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Day 3 - Practicing Love

Getting real love isn’t easy. Today I’d like to talk about two barriers we have to practicing real love in our lives: our modern understanding of dating, and that little voice inside our head that seems to take dark pleasure in sabotaging our relationships.

There are so many barriers to love that it can feel as if real love just isn’t possible. Luckily, there’s hope. Once you face them you’ll find that they’re like the bogeyman in the closet that vanishes once you shine a light inside. Seeing what is actually happening in your relationships with the true light of self-knowledge will shine your way to love.

Barrier #1: The Dating Scene

The first barrier to love is one that we simply must accept: the social scene of modern dating. Modern dating seems to be much more about infatuation than love.

Real love takes WORK. Infatuation (“falling for someone”) is easy. In our fast food world with instant access to life’s pleasures, infatuation satisfies our emotional hunger pangs with a flood of good feelings. Unfortunately, it is no substitute for the lifelong “good nutrition” of real love.

All of us have probably felt tempted to take the effortless route to relationships. When everyone else around us is ooo-ing and aah-ing over handsome guys, hooking up, and getting the rewards of hot sex and passionate dates, we can’t help ourselves for believing that THAT is the how the path to lifelong love should begin.

One of the greatest myths of our culture is the romantic notion of two handsome strangers bumping into one another—in a bar, on the street, at the supermarket—looking into one another’s eyes, and knowing that they’re destined to be together for life.

The reality is much more prosaic. You are much more likely to meet your future husband by being introduced by someone you both know. According to Sex in America: A Definitive Survey (Michael et al., Warner Books: 1994), the majority of people who end up in a sexual relationship were already part of the same social network. Nearly two-thirds of married people were introduced by people they knew in common (mutual friends, family, coworkers, classmates, neighbors). And 60% met at school, work, a private party, or church. A mere 10% of married couples met in a bar, on vacation, or through the personals.

Sex and the City to the contrary, investing time in making friends and getting to know more people will get you closer to your future husband than been seen in the city’s coolest watering holes. Social networking may not be as glamorous as dressing up in Manolos and squeezing the ripest fruit in the organic grocers, but statistically speaking it will bring you closer to enduring love.

Many singles prefer to look for love by a more direct route, and they find it in the clubbing scene. An acquaintance of mine characterized the dating strategy of young people in my city in this way:

Go out to the clubs, get completely drunk, wake up with someone in your bed the next day, assume that this now means you’re dating, then stay together so long that it’s easier to get married than to break up.

Relationships begun in bars under the influence of alcohol rarely survive the reality check of different hobbies, personalities and lifestyles. Attractive looks may be helpful in sparking a potential relationship, but unless the two people have a lot more in common than looks, the relationship won’t mature into deeper love.

Harville Hendrix, author of the thought-provoking book Keeping the Love You Find (Atria Books: 1992), sees another problem with modern dating:

"So many singles concentrate all their efforts on perfecting the outside trappings and strategies of singleness, in order to stand up to the scrutiny of the mating game, while their inner selves remain unexamined and neglected. They want to find the perfect partner, get married, and then worry about being happily married." (p.13)

He’s absolutely right. Dating has become about having fun and competing for the most desirable men in the cutthroat singles scene. Very few people go out on dates with the intention of seeing how well they connect as potential partners rather than seeing what a catch he would make.

I believe that much of what we’ve been led to believe about dating is wrong. We’ve been led to believe that dating is about finding the perfect man. It’s not. Does that surprise you?

Dating is NOT about finding the perfect man.

It’s not about finding your soulmate.

It’s not about stumbling upon Prince Charming.

It’s about DISCOVERING more about yourself through relationship with others. It’s about BRINGING OUT THE BEST in yourself and others through exercising that most beautiful of all human muscles: the heart. The more you love, the more you succeed.

Think about it. Really, it’s not about getting the greatest looking guy, or the richest guy, or the guy that every other girl wants. It’s about getting the guy who makes your best TEAMMATE in the harsh obstacle course of life.

But to get a great teammate, you’ve got to be a good team player. And to be a team player, you’ve got to learn how to work WITH him … not against him, and not for him.

In most relationships, partners compete against one another to get their needs satisfied. You want Chinese, he wants Mexican, and both of you argue in an attempt to get what you want.

In other relationships, one partner does everything for the other partner. She tries to make him so happy that he won’t leave her. She’s committing an equally grave error: that of doing everything FOR him rather than WITH him.

Your goal in a relationship is not to make him want to stay with you. Your goal isn’t to be the best girlfriend he’s ever had. It isn’t even to make him happy.

Nor is it the opposite. If you’re in a relationship for your own sake—to keep from feeling lonely, to feel the status of having a great boyfriend, or to get an engagement ring–-then you’re also missing the point.

The point of a relationship is THE RELATIONSHIP. That’s right … the bond, connection, and interaction between you and your partner. Both of you make up the whole.

It isn’t about him. It isn’t about you. It’s about WHAT YOU CREATE TOGETHER.

When you value what you create together over your individual needs and desires, you can make healthier decisions about love. You’ll be able to make better decisions about when you should keep a relationships and when you should let it go.

For example, say that you fall in love with a man who, for whatever reason, clashes with you everywhere but the bedroom. If you realize that the point of a relationship is the RELATIONSHIP, not the good feelings you get by being with him, you’ll be able to let him go with strength and grace. You deserve a relationship that is greater than the sum of its parts.

Barrier #2: Your Internal Voice

You yourself are the greatest barrier to getting the love you desire.

“How can that be?” you might ask. “I go out, I meet guys, I date. I’m not doing anything to push guys away.”

But if you’re like most women, you’ve got an internal voice that keeps…

• telling yourself that you’re not pretty enough,
• worrying that he doesn’t like you enough,
• wondering what he’s really thinking,
• bringing up every past mistake,
• fearing that you’ll always be single,
• doubting that you have what it takes to find true love.

That voice is the single biggest reason that most women don’t find the success they’re looking for.

Susan Jeffers, in Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (Fawcett Books: 1987), tells a story about an exercise she has her students perform. She asks a person to stand next to her and hold out his arm to the side. She asks the person to keep holding his arm straight while she tries to push down on it. He can usually keep his arm up with no trouble.

Then, she asks him to repeat the negative thought, “I am a weak and unworthy person,” ten times in his head. Jeffers then tries to push his arm down. Surprisingly, his arm falls down easily.

Finally, he is asked to repeat the positive thought, “I am a strong and worth person,” ten times in his head. This time, when Jeffers tries to push down his arm, he resists with even more force than the first time.

It’s an incredible experiment that proves how the words in our mind affect our world.

If you think negatively about yourself, others will pick up on your negativity and respond by mirroring your negative self-perception. In other words, people will think about you in the same way that you think about yourself.

I’ve heard so many men talk about how much they dislike it when their partners point out their body flaws. “She’s beautiful,” one man said. “But she’s always telling me how much she hates her butt. I don’t see anything wrong with it—at least, I didn’t until she brought it up—but now I feel like I have to agree with her just to keep her from going on about it.”

If you often talk about how you haven’t been able to get a man because you’re divorced/have children/are too old, then people around you will start seeing you as someone who can’t get a man. You’ll have earned an identity as that person who never gets a date, and the only person to blame is yourself.

Words can be poison, so watch them. For one week, try to put into practice this version of the old saying:

If you can’t say something nice about yourself, don’t say anything at all.

Give yourself a break. Even if you’re having a bad hair day, or a fat day, or PMS-ing, don’t say anything about it—either to others or yourself. If you have to avoid looking in mirrors, do so. Forgive yourself for not being at tip-top shape. Do whatever it takes to feel okay with how you’re feeling and looking right now.

One technique that I use when I’m feeling less than my best is taking a quick read of the international news. Just reading a few articles about the difficult conditions in other parts of the world that suffer from war and famine makes me realize what a minor thing my own annoyances actually are.

Don’t just give yourself a break: also forgive yourself for not being perfect. We women put higher expectations on ourselves than anyone else puts on us. I read an article in a magazine that stated that while women tend to compare their looks against the appearance of models in magazines, men tend to compare women’s looks against other women’s. In other words, if anyone is comparing you, it’s against the girl next door—not against supermodels.

(And, by the same token, forgive others for not being flawless as well. The girl that all your friends mock for being “fat” or poorly dressed is wonderful and lovably perfect, just as you are.)

If you truly start looking at the women around you, you’ll realize how many shapes and sizes and colors we come in. Whereas magazine models all tend to look the same, real women have much more variation. I will bet that if you can take an honest look at yourself from the perspective of the women around you, you’ll realize that your looks aren’t flawed at all: they’re what makes you uniquely you.

When someone gives you a compliment, accept it with a “thank you.” Learn to accept tokens of appreciation and gratitude with grace.

When you allow others to value you, they see you as valuable. When you allow others to compliment you, they see you as beautiful. It is amazing how our ability to accept the positive opinion others have of us actually REINFORCES that positive opinion. Think about it … if you’re always complimenting someone who deflects those compliments back, then you start to get the feeling that perhaps the person wasn’t worthy of the compliment after all.

The voice in your head is just as bad as your voice out loud. For example, when you’re on a date, you may make sure that everything you say is positive and light-hearted, but if you’re worrying in your mind about whether he’s enjoying himself, whether he’ll ask you out again, or whether he thinks that you’re what he expected, you’ll communicate that insecurity to him.

Our thoughts are not as private as they may seem. Our thoughts affect the tone of our voice and our body language. Men can pick up on these subliminal signals.

It may seem strange to make a concerted effort to think positive thoughts. We’re used to allowing ourselves to think whatever crosses through our mind. Yet unless you stop thinking in negative ways about yourself, or worrying so much, or doubting your future, you’ll keep finding that bad patterns keep getting repeated. Even if you don’t feel good about yourself, you can at least stop bringing yourself down with critical thoughts.

Self-love is a prerequisite for getting the love you deserve. As you develop a deeper sense of love in yourself for all your wonderful, quirky flaws, you’ll be amazed to see that the love in your heart is reflected in others. Why? Well, a woman who loves herself doesn’t have to hurt, hate, or put down others to make herself feel good. A woman who accepts herself for who SHE is also accepts others for who THEY are. Loving thoughts are like a perfume that draws others to you.

EXERCISE – Be Your Best Self

When next Monday rolls around, I want you to try the following.

1. Smile at three strangers.
2. Compliment three people.
3. Thank three people.

Repeat as necessary.

The point of this exercise is to shower good feelings on other people. Happy people are the most pleasant company, because a happy person brings everyone’s mood up. Even if you don’t feel happy—EVEN if you’ve got a case of the Monday blues—you’ll be amazed at what happens when you make an effort to smile at, compliment, and thank people. People will smile back at you. They’ll feel good at being noticed. They’ll feel appreciated. And as a result, they’ll be nicer, more thoughtful, and more complimentary back to you. Even if you didn’t feel happy before, the act of being kind to other people will bring your spirits up. And you’ll notice a magical thing: happy women are also beautiful women.

When you’ve feel that you’ve mastered this, add two more steps.

1. Don’t say anything negative about anyone.

If you have to criticize someone, frame your criticism in terms of an objective description of what has been done. For example, say, “My ex and I didn’t get along, so we decided to separate,” rather than, “My ex was such a jerk that not even his mother loved him.”

2. Don’t think anything negative about yourself.

This is even harder. Every time you hear a negative thought slip through your mind, like, “I am so stupid,” “Why can’t I do this?” or “What’s wrong with me?”, catch yourself and replace it with a positive thought such as, “I am learning,” “I’ll figure it out,” or, “Everything takes time.”

Got a Question of Your Own?

I hope that this lesson has taught you to feel better about yourself and communicate your joy to others. Tomorrow I’m going to show you three beliefs that might be sabotaging your love life … and how to stop them!

As I take you through this course, you may have lots of questions and want to know more about certain topics. My full "How to Be Irresistible to Men" course goes into all these subjects and much more in further detail! Plus you'll receive Sarah Paul's original "How to Be Irresistible to Men" guide as well as FOUR HOURS of online instant-access video on having healthy relationships and understanding how the push-pull dance of dating can work to your advantage ... or disadvantage. That's not all. You'll also discover how to transform your mindset with the secrets of self-hypnosis, overcome shyness, even gain the body of your dreams!

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All the best in life and love!

Amy Waterman
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About "How to Be Irresistible to Men"

"How to Be Irresistible to Men" has been teaching women the way to greater success in love (and life!) for seven years. It is part of the 000Relationships Network, the leader in downloadable dating & relationship products! My customers love the information they get from the "How To Be Irresistible To Men" program, a comprehensive collection of attraction resources that includes my Premium Course, comprehensive supporting workbook, audio series, original e-book, numerous bonus books, and members-only email consultation.

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