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Welcome to My MiniCourse on Attracting Men!
Hello!
Welcome to Day 4 of the How to Be Irresistible to Men 6-Part MiniCourse. If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of "how to attract men" advice ever crammed into a newsletter course, then read on!
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Day 4 -
Attraction Killers
© 000Relationships.com
and Amy Waterman
Let’s start out today with a quiz. Answer with the first response that comes into your head.
True or false?
1. There are no good men out there.
2. I can’t find anyone I like.
3. So many men are jerks.
4. Guys are only after one thing.
5. Dating is stressful.
6. I just want to find my Mr. Right.
7. I want to live happily ever after.
8. Men don’t notice me because I’m not pretty enough.
9. Every time I go out with someone new, I wonder in the back of my mind if he’s the One.
10. It’s going to take a miracle for me to find a husband.
How many did you answer True to?
If you answered True to five or more, your expectations may be suffocating your relationships before they begin.
I’m going to group the above beliefs into three categories and show you why these beliefs can be more deadly to your love life than you imagined.
1. The Belief of Scarcity
2. Man-Bashing
3. Victimhood
The Belief of Scarcity
The belief of scarcity is the belief that there aren’t any good men out there, or that all the good men are either taken already or gay. The best description I’ve heard of this attitude comes from a discussion on the Members-Only Forum of “How to Be Irresistible to Men.” A friend had told one of the women on the forum that, “There’s no one out there but losers and jerks. If they’re still single, there’s something wrong with them.”
Do you believe that?
I’ve heard women say that for whatever reason, there aren’t any men out there for THEM. Maybe they have a special situation. Maybe they’re older; maybe they have children. Maybe they live in a small town or don’t have money to go out.
NO SITUATION justifies the belief that there are no available men out there. According to the US Census Bureau 2004 report, 44.5% of the American population over 15 years of age is unmarried. This means that there are 47,513,000 unmarried men out there, most of whom have never married.
You just have to browse the online dating sites to realize the wealth of single men out there. The constraints of geography don’t apply anymore. Even if you live in a remote area, you can still find dating opportunities via personal ads or online dating sites.
The world has gotten smaller and smaller. Our grandparents never had the kind of choice we do with respect to potential partners. They were limited to the people they met via church, school, or in their community. Their choice was often limited even further by the expectations of their family, culture, and social rank. Truly, we are the luckiest women in history when it comes to having the freedom to select a partner.
And yet it seems that in the midst of all this choice, we’re paralyzed. Some of us have become so picky that none of the men in our community seem good enough to us. We create exhaustive lists of specifications: he has to make so much, have this kind of family background, enjoy these hobbies, want these goals…. Instead of seeing the abundance of men around us, we’ve developed binocular vision that picks apart the flaws in every man we meet.
If you are going to meet more men, you have to begin by opening your eyes. Look around you. Promise yourself that the only criteria you’re going to use to disqualify men from further consideration are that (1) they’re married or otherwise taken, (2) they’re either too young or too old, or (3) they are not “good” men (e.g., they have a drug or alcohol dependency, are known players, abusive, etc.).
Once you’ve eliminated every man who fits in the above categories, who is left? Anyone?
Most women will find that they’re left with a lot of guys who are really nice (who probably even have a secret crush on you), but who get left out of consideration because they’re “too” nice, not good looking enough, or don’t have a high-status job.
You may not feel any chemistry with these men, but the fact is … they’re there. They belong to the vast number of single, available men who are also searching for love.
So the next time you feel yourself tempted to complain about the lack of available men, change your tune. I have a friend who always seems to be complaining about the lack of good guys out there … while the only one willing to listen is her best male friend, who’s been secretly in love with her for years.
The problem is NOT that good men are scarce. The problem is that our image of Prince Charming is so darn specific.
It may be that you’re looking for such a particular kind of man that you’re blinding yourself to other possibilities. I am not saying that you should date men that you have absolutely no interest in. (Chemistry IS essential!) But as far as you feel able, give men a chance. Flirt with men that you’re not particularly interested in. Have the self-confidence to chat with men that you wouldn’t be seen with in a million years. Be polite, friendly, and warm to everyone you meet. You may very well find that your “type” wasn’t at all what you thought it was.
Man-Bashing
Alison Armstrong from PAX Programs runs some incredible seminars on “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women.” The premise is that by learning to appreciate the ways in which men are different from us, we can have more satisfying relationships. Alison asks her participants to begin their voyage of discovery by vowing to STOP MAN-BASHING. You know what I’m talking about. We man-bash when we get together with our female friends and talk about what jerks all men are, why men don’t have a clue, why men can’t seem to clean up after themselves, and why men can’t get it.
Any time that you generalize about men as a whole, you create a stereotype that affects all your interactions with men. If you believe that men can’t be trusted, you’ll act suspiciously towards men, causing them to respond to you in such a way that feeds your belief. If you believe that men are only after sex, you may end up acting defensive, which will wound genuine men while exciting players who thrill at the chase.
Your beliefs about men affect not only your behavior towards them, BUT ALSO their behavior towards you.
If you are negative, suspicious, and critical of men—no matter what your reason—you will have a hard time finding love.
If you’ve been hurt in the past and have allowed that to affect how you treat men now, you will have a hard time finding love.
Men don’t want to be associated with a source of pain and hurt. They don’t want to feel like they have to defend all men against the actions of a few.
Remember that it is your EX who let you down, not men in general.
On the whole, men deserve the benefit of the doubt. Why not, instead of believing that all men are jerks until proven otherwise, believe that all men are good and decent until proven otherwise?
The first benefit of this belief that your life will be much happier. It takes a lot of effort to always be suspicious of every stranger that enters our life. We should have enough confidence in our own powers to judge another’s character that we’ll be able to sense immediately when someone is not worth the trust we have put in them and revoke it.
The second benefit of this belief is that men will feel highly attracted to you. A woman who willingly and generously gives her trust to men draws others to her with her openness and warmth. Men can sense when a woman enjoys the company of men. A woman’s pleasure in a man’s company is beautifully evident—not just to him, but also to other men who might be watching.
Intimacy must be built on a foundation of trust, but too many women believe that it is the man’s responsibility to prove his trustworthiness. Think about how you would feel if every man you met was suspicious of your motives until you proved that you weren’t after his money or a wedding ring. You’d feel like no one trusted you, right? Do you think it’s fair that we make men feel this way?
If at all possible, avoid speaking in a negative or critical way about your ex. Merely repeating the old story will bring your heart rate up, make you feel tense, and allow negative feelings to intrude into what should be a positive moment. Also, some men will wonder if, by starting a relationship with you, they’ll be in the same position as your ex someday: as the object of your anger or disgust.
Victimhood
That point brings me to the final category that we have to watch out for: the feeling of victimhood. So many of us believe, in our weaker moments, that we were singled out by the universe for particular hardship. We may wonder, “Why does it always happen to me? Why does everyone else have a great boyfriend and I don’t? Why can’t I ever seem to meet someone new?”
These thoughts of victimhood are deadly to our dating lives. They make us feel discouraged, lead us to expect that things will always be like they are now, and put us into a negative mood that elicits more sympathy than positive male attention.
Things will happen in your life that will require a period of grieving, expressing negative feelings, and getting in touch with your pain and fears. This is normal and healthy. We all get hurt, and we all need time to recuperate and process those emotions.
However, when fear and discouragement become the major mode by which you live your life, you drive men away. Men are attracted to the life force in a woman: her energy, vitality, and irresistible warmth. When a woman pulls back, closes herself off to those trying to help her, and plays the role of the powerless victim, she is no longer attractive: she is a woman in need of healing.
It can be difficult to tell that we’re playing the victim. We may believe that we’re simply stating the truth when we say that we’re the one for whom things never go right, who always loses everyone she loves, who keeps driving men away. Maybe we even say that it’s all our “fault” that things are the way they are. We tell everyone that WE are the reason our life is a mess, that it’s nobody’s fault but our own.
But the truth is that you were made as perfectly as everyone else. We all have challenges particular to our situation. Things are easy for NONE of us. ALL of us make mistakes. ALL of us get stuck into ruts where it seems nothing is going right. We’re all human, and we find it difficult to overcome habits. Of course it is hard to change the way we’ve always been. But that doesn’t mean it is impossible.
If you continually bring yourself down to earth in an attempt to be “realistic about your chances,” you’re actually diminishing whatever chance you had in the first place. Who knows? Maybe your future husband was ordering a coffee at the same coffee shop you went to this morning, but because you were so convinced that you’d never meet anyone in your home town, you completely missed him. Maybe you were so certain that there would be no men of your age at a singles event that you didn’t go, while the man of your dreams was actually there but ended up going home early, alone and lonely.
Susan Jeffers makes an excellent point when she tells us, “There is an automatic assumption that negative [thinking] is realistic and positive [thinking] is unrealistic. Upon inspection, that is pure madness” (Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, p. 72).
There is NO reason or excuse great enough to prevent you from feeling hope.
All you have to do to break out of the cycle of victimhood is to start hoping. Believe in the possibility of meeting a wonderful man. Believe in the possibility of being married in two years. Believe in what COULD happen.
Positive thinking can work miracles.
EXERCISE - Invisible Beliefs
To get a better understanding of how the beliefs you hold about men are affecting your dating life, complete the following statements with the first words that pop into your head.
1. Men are _________________________________________________________.
2. My last partner was _______________________________________________.
3. I wish that men were more _________________________________________.
4. I wish I could find a man who was ___________________________________.
5. A good man is ____________________________________________________.
6. Finding a man is ___________________________________________________.
7. Complimenting a man is ____________________________________________.
8. When I meet a man, the first thing I usually notice is ____________________.
9. If I were to describe what most of my friends’ relationships are like, I’d say they are _________________________________________________________________.
10. All my relationships seem to end ____________________________________.
Looking back at your answers to those questions, do you see any patterns? Are they generally positive in tone or negative? Do any of your answers reflect a belief of scarcity, a man-bashing attitude, or a sense of victimhood? If any of them do, put a star by the question.
Make a promise to yourself to replace negative beliefs with more positive beliefs. For example, if you believe that a good man is hard to find, then make an effort to look for the good in the men around you. If you keep seeing your ex’s habits in every new guy, make an effort to appreciate the ways in which your partner is NOT like your ex.
Rather than looking for ways to criticize men (e.g., dismissing a man with, “He’s not good enough for me,” or, “He’s just not X enough for me”), try looking for ways to appreciate and compliment men. Allow yourself to feel appreciation, respect, and admiration for the men in your life. You may just find that men find your attitude irresistible.
Got a Question of Your Own?
That’s it for this lesson. Tomorrow I’ll show you how to take all these ideas you’ve been learning and create a world of new possibilities for yourself, where anything can happen!
 As I take you through this course, you may have lots of questions and want to know more about certain topics. My full "How to Be Irresistible to Men" course goes into all these subjects and much more in further detail! Plus you'll receive Sarah Paul's original "How to Be Irresistible to Men" guide as well as FOUR HOURS of online instant-access video on having healthy relationships and understanding how the push-pull dance of dating can work to your advantage ... or disadvantage. That's not all. You'll also discover how to transform your mindset with the secrets of self-hypnosis, overcome shyness, even gain the body of your dreams!
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All the best in life and love!
Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"
About "How to Be Irresistible to Men"
"How to Be Irresistible to Men" has been teaching women the way to greater success in love (and life!) for seven years. It is part of the 000Relationships Network, the leader in downloadable dating & relationship products! My customers love the information they get from the "How To Be Irresistible To Men" program, a comprehensive collection of attraction resources that includes my Premium Course, comprehensive supporting workbook, audio series, original e-book, numerous bonus books, and members-only email consultation.
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