Are you wondering whether you should stick with a relationship? Are you tired of crying over men? Are you having a hard time finding a guy due to a particular circumstance, such as being divorced, a single parent, or being over 50? To find the solution, visit How to Be Irresistible to Men and discover the answers to your problem and other common dating and relationship concerns. Get the answers here!
My colleague Andrew loves Dr. Phil for his no-nonsense, get-real approach to relationships. Friday, as I was leaving the office, I passed Andrew's desk. My attention was caught by a book with a big red heart on the cover and a familiar smiling face. It was Dr. Phil's Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got.
"Andrew won't notice," I thought, as I picked up the book and slipped it in my bag. "And I need some weekend reading."
Now, to be completely up front, I am not a Dr. Phil fan. I feel that Dr. Phil tends to make gross generalizations in his attempt to be "real" with his clients. Personally, I prefer to empathize with people first, understand them, then encourage them towards a new perspective or way of behaving. The shock treatment of a cold splash of reality in the face just seems, to me, unnecessarily cruel.
My personal opinion notwithstanding, I was excited to learn what Dr. Phil had to say about relationships. So, on my commute home that night, I opened the book with anticipation.
A half hour later, I'd had enough. I put the book down and stowed it carefully in my bag to return to Andrew on Monday. I didn't even want to look at it again.
What happened? It all started on page 6.
Dr. Phil tells us that dating is a game, and the only reason any of us is single is because we don't know how to play it. Let's listen to him in his own words.
Let me start us off by telling you two things that I know for absolute, drop-dead certain. First: if you do not have what you truly want in a relationship, then you are right, something is seriously wrong. …[T]he problem is not you. You are not a bad person…. (pp. 5-6)
Whew, glad we got that out of the way. So none of us are bad people, but if we're still single (when we wish we weren't), then something is "seriously wrong." Oh dear. Never fear: Dr. Phil can fix us.
The second thing I know for absolute, drop-dead certain is that you are not thinking right or playing the game well; otherwise you would have what you want. (p. 6)
So the reason we're not in good relationships is because we're lousy at playing the dating game?
Yep, says Dr. Phil. In fact, the only reason you're not married right now is because "you apparently don't know how to get in the game or play the game once you do" (p. 6).
I disagree … quite vehemently.
I'll talk about my own beliefs in a moment, but right now let me share the perspective of Dr. Barbara De Angelis. In her wonderful book, The Real Rules, Dr. De Angelis describes an unhealthy belief that sounds suspiciously like Dr. Phil's.
The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you. You are the hunter, and he is the prey. Your goal is to catch him. But THE OLD RULES say that a man won't naturally want to make a commitment to you–he doesn't want to be caught–so somehow, you have to trick him into it…. (p. 19)
In other words, to get a man, you have to play the game.
Even though Dr. Phil may not agree with the Old Rules (as described in Ellen Fein's and Sherrie Schneider's book The Rules), his language sounds suspiciously Rules-esque. For example, we learn in Chapter 10 of Love Smart how to "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, Take 'em Home." True hunter language.
Marriage seems to be the natural culmination of the dating cycle for Dr. Phil. It's the happy-ever-after ending that is our reward for playing the game well. In fact, his five-step series of goals to CLAIM what we want includes: envisioning our perfect relationship, finding the perfect person, seducing him, getting him to "want what you want long term" (p. 5), then marrying him and getting "busy being happy!" (p.5).
Does this match Barbara De Angelis' description of the Old Rules, in which "the goal of a woman's life is to find a man and get married" (p. 11)? Sounds like it to me.
Barbara De Angelis explains the problem with game-playing beautifully when she says:
Playing games is for women who've been convinced that they aren't intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead must memorize absurd lists of do's and don'ts…. Playing games is stupid, and you're not stupid. (p.39)
So, Dr. Phil, I won't be learning how to play the game better so that I can get the relationship that I can deserve. Instead, I'll be taking a leaf from Barbara De Angelis' book. I'll be focusing on learning how to become emotionally generous, being honest (with myself AND others) about my feelings, and remembering that everyone (even men) needs love and reassurance.
As for myself, I believe that the reason that most of us are not in good relationships yet is because we still have some growing and learning to do. The time isn't yet right. Forcing things will just hook us up with the wrong men and hold back our own personal growth and development.
This doesn't mean that you should sit back and assume that the universe will bring Mr. Right into your life (though, if you've done your spiritual homework, you've got a very good chance of this happening). What it does mean is that instead of focusing on how you can get Mr. Right, you should be focusing on how to grow as a person: how to become more open-hearted, loving, and caring to EVERYONE you encounter.
When I focus on becoming a more open, genuine, and loving person, I know that I will naturally draw the right man into my life. I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to waste time envisioning, judging, or evaluating men based on my character profile of Mr. Right. I believe in the law of the universe that states that we attract what we are. I feel confident knowing that my ability to attract the right men into my life is proof that I am developing my character in the direction that I want to go.
Best of all, because I am not focused on getting a relationship, I have faith that the right relationship will just happen. Have you ever noticed how the best things happen when you're not looking for them? If you follow the advice of other dating gurus and focus all your efforts on meeting and interviewing dozens of potential mates in the attempt to find the "right" one, then judge your success on whether you can "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, [and] Take 'em Home," you're almost ensuring that you won't get the best possible relationship that the universe has in store for you.
One of my favorite songs is one by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers," in which he tells the story of meeting his high school sweetheart after many years have passed. By this time, he is married to another woman. Yet such is the power of first love that he can still remember how he used to pray to God every night to make this other woman his forever.
At first, it seems that he'll be tempted to reconsider his marriage vows. Yet as they chat, he realizes that they don't have much in common any more. He looks at his wife by his side, and such is his gratitude and appreciation for her presence in his life that he thanks God for unanswered prayers.
We don't always know what is best for us. Sometimes the greatest tragedy is actually a blessing in disguise. And that, I suppose, is the message that gets lost in Dr. Phil's Love Smart. Sometimes, the smartest thing you can do with love is to simply allow it to happen as it should.
Comment by Renee
April 19, 2006 @ 1:57 am
My ex-boyfriend and I split up about 2 years ago and I have felt like a failure ever since. I always figured I wasn’t good enough. But as I read your story today, I realized that God had a lot to do with the breakup. We were together for almost 2 years and it seemed like an eternity. I was constantly trying to win his love with gifts and “everything else” he wanted. He lacked for nothing. I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t love me back. I thought I was so madly in-love with him. Needless to say, our relationship was purely “sexual”. Yes, there was a lot of passion there, but that’s where it stopped. W e ended very badly. I begged, cried, pleaded for him to not leave me. But he didn’t love me and went his way. I prayed every night for God to give me another chance with him. That way I could be what he wanted me to be. I didn’t realize at the time how pitiful I was being. I was trying to make someone love me. My self-image was down the drain. During that whole time I was with him, I didn’t realize that I had lost my identity. It wasn’t his fault. He wanted to date other people. I was in such a denial, that I just couldn’t accept that. Well, I lived miserably for about a year and a half. Until, one day I started to otice that guys were paying me attention. See, I was so depressed that I wouldn’t look at anyone. I didn’t think anyone would want anything to do with me. I had a failed marriage. My boyfriend had left me too. I just knew that I wasn’t any good for anyone. But something changed when I started a new job. I started allowing myself to open up again. It felt good. Anyways, to make a long story short, we can’t make someone fall for us. When we pray to GOd, we have to realize that He knows what is best for us. I am so glad tha He didn’t answer my prayer. I would have been miserabe with that man right now. But thank you God, that I have found my identity again. I am a new person. I don’t look for my identity in men anymore. My self-image is where it should be now. We don’t depend on men for everything. Yes, they are nice to have as partners in life. But we shouldn’t depend on them for our every need. We shouldn’t feel that who we are depends on how they feel about us.
This message of yours touched a big part of me. Thank you for people like you who take the time to help people like me.
Comment by Valerie
April 19, 2006 @ 2:27 am
I like the article but disagree on one point.
If my son goes to college and doesn’t figure out what his major is, he will take needless classes (which may not be a bad thing), be there for extra semesters, and end up with a degree in liberal arts when the college forces him to graduate.
Without goals we flounder, making decisions with no direction or guidelines. I don’t believe in going through life without goals and a plan to get there. I don’t believe if I sit at home that the universe will bring my soulmate to my door. If I puruse my goals and do things that I enjoy, maybe the universe will bring us together at the art museum or classes I take, or even from the dating service I am on.
I also don’t believe we can make good decisions about the guys we date if we don’t have some idea of what we want (or what we don’t want). If I want kids and he is deadset against it, why would I go out with him? This would be a waste of time (his and mine) and money (his).
I know what I want in life and I want a guy that knows what he wants in life.
Comment by Gloria Guse
April 19, 2006 @ 3:59 am
I have made many mistakes in my relationship with my man. I want him to know that I am sorry for all of the pain I have caused him and only want to make our relationship better than ever. I want him to trust me again and for us to build a trusting and loving relationship. I love him dearly and feel terrible for all of the pain that he endures on a dily bases.
I like Valerie know what I want in life..I want to love honor and cherish the love I do have.
Comment by Nita
April 19, 2006 @ 5:32 am
Thank you so much for this article, it has really helped to build to another level the part of me that you have been building through your emails to me. You have really been of great help to me as an individual. Its amazing to note that the world has people like you who give advice with such a great depth of wisdom and knowledge.How I wish every woman would read this article and be enlightened as I have been.My favourite part of this artcle has been this words “Playing games is for women who’ve been convinced that they aren’t intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead must memorize absurd lists of do’s and don’ts…. Playing games is stupid, and you’re not stupid”. Thank you so much for these words for every woman needs to know that they are intelligent, worthy beings who deserve nothing less than the best. And I also wish to thank God for unanswered prayers He really does know whats best for us. My aim now is to try my level best at being good to myself and to other people, to look good, smell good, act good, have fun for myself and thats really how I met my current boyfriend, I was having fun and laughing and he heard my laughter and instantly fell inlove with me. He said and I quote ” I love people who laugh”. So thank so much.
Comment by beverley
April 19, 2006 @ 7:44 am
I believe the only rule for dating is to go out and have fun.Dont go out with the intention of bagging someone. I myself have split with my ex after a long long relationship and is now trying to find myself again . I find that guys are attracted to someone who is having fun and comfortable in their own skin.Its draws them like moths to the light.
Comment by LorraineR
April 22, 2006 @ 10:40 am
Why does dating have to lead to marriage? Why can’t we just want to lead our own independent lives with the occasional company of a man? Does wanting male companionship have to lead to commitment?
If so then I may as well stop looking because I don’t want forever, I just want some fun company now.
Comment by sonia
May 13, 2006 @ 5:21 am
am really greatful for your sites as it really helped me in a lot of ways.i broke up with my boyfriend early last year and i was a wreak for a while.it was one of the most painful experience i ever went through.i just wouldnt let him go as he was my everything even though i knew he was cheating behind me and at times said some very hurtful things,i still had hope that it will work out if i was always there for him.it didnt, so it ended.i always compared the guys i met to him and hated all of them for wht he did to me. i was a mess till i found this site which taught me to learn to love and except myself for who i am, so i cld extend that love to others. i go out and have fun and meet men of all kinds who i except for who they r and wht they r made up of.to cut a long story short, am greatful for people like you who have time for people like us to guide and direct us in our relationships.
Comment by Marie Jacquelyne
September 7, 2006 @ 2:52 am
My girlfriend just broke up with her fiancé and said..I’m ready to move on because he made me be ready” I answered.” Never give credit to him, it’s because you woke up and smelled the coffee that made you ready.”
People make millions on how to snag a man, well I sure don’t need a book for that. People have been doing it for thousands of years without any how to book and even the how to book cannot guarantee..happy marriage.
No guarantees out there..if there were..I would be selling them and making a fortune.
Comment by Megan
January 13, 2007 @ 3:22 pm
Wow!
You are so right. Things always tend to happen in our life when we’re not looking for them.
It always seems that just when you’ve forgotten about your ex and moved on with your life they all of a sudden are begging to have you take them back, etc.
I’ll check out “Unanswered Prayers” right now, thanks. 🙂
RSS feed for comments on this post.
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your ability to attract men! My How To Be Irresistible To Men course has helped thousands of women just like you to meet and attact fantastic men. If you're on the verge of giving up because all you've been meeting is Mr. Wrong or Mr. Unavailable or Mr. Only-After-One-Thing, then you owe it to yourself to take one last chance. You CAN develop the relationship you always dreamed about. My course is guaranteed to deliver real results and change your life!
Most women give up on their love life because they don't know what they're doing wrong with men. They don't know why he stops calling, why he loses interest, or why the love dies. You have to learn what it takes to attract men WITHOUT compromising your integrity with mindgames or wasting time and effort. Get the whole package that gives you REAL results guaranteed. Right Now!
Get my course on attracting men and put an end to your man troubles!
Want to learn more dating
& relationship secrets?
Discover my complete
attraction course!
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | ||||||
| 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
| 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 |
| 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 |
| 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 |
| 30 | ||||||
MORE Fantastic Products
