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You are meant to be single right now.
What a strange thing to say! Isn't our natural state to be in a relationship, and when we're single we're … well, lacking?
Of course not. That isn't true at all. But as a woman I am still very conscious that all the models of happiness I see in society – from Hollywood movies to family pressures – involve being matched up with a man who is one's soulmate. (One's soulmate, of course, has to be a man according to this ideal. It can't be a female friend, or a mentor.)
Wait a moment!
Although many of us enlightened women like to think that we celebrate our single status and desire a relationship as an extension of our happiness, rather than the purpose and cause of it, we still respond to the cultural programming that tells us that we are incomplete if we don't have a man.
That same cultural programming shames the woman when her man cheats. That same cultural programming blames the woman for not holding the relationship together.
Although we know in our minds that it's all a bunch of baloney, I don't think that there are many of us who can honestly state that we don't respond to those beliefs on a heart level. Emotionally, we still feel shamed if we can't "get" a man. We feel shamed if he leaves us. We feel that it's our fault, somehow.
Our cultural programming is so powerful that many of us end up seeking out a relationship just because all of our female friends in relationships seem so happy. We want to have what they have.
Yet what if you told yourself that, unlike them, you were meant to be single right now? You were single because there was something that you had to do. God is giving you the chance to be on your own because He wants you to learn something, or to develop a new skill, or move to the next level spiritually … and being single is the only way you can do it.
Wouldn't you want to know why you were single, and then take advantage of it?
Very few of us spend any time examining our belief systems about what it means to be single. Socially we're told that being single is merely the limbo period between relationships. But is it?
What if you were meant to be single right now?
What if it was your job to figure out what you're supposed to be doing with your single time and doing it?
Wouldn't you feel a lot more okay about being single?
Wouldn't you feel a greater sense of meaning and purpose in your life right now, rather than waiting for the time in which you have a partner?
You aren't single because you can't get a man. You aren't single because you're not enough. You aren't single because you're bad at dating.
You're single for a reason … and it's your job to find out that reason.
Once you do, then you'll have completed the reason for which you were single. And then, magically, you'll find that relationship opportunities open all around you.
Does that sound too airy-fairy? Perhaps. But it can also make your single life much more wonderful and meaningful than an endless search for a partner.
Comment by Grace
May 18, 2006 @ 6:39 am
Hi,
Just wanted to comment on being single…there is nothing wrong with being single, as long as your happy with yourself and where your life is headed with or without a man in your life. Women need to learn to be independant. I see alot of women wanting a man only for the men to fulfill their needs but then when the man leaves the women are torn apart big time because they feel incomplete without a man in their lives. Be happy for yourself, once you know how to be strong for yourself and do things for yourself, men will see that glow and admire you for your strengths instead of being clingy. Celebrate you..celebrate single-hood.
Comment by Jackie
May 18, 2006 @ 10:55 am
i’ve never posted a comment before but felt compelled to do so after reading the celebration of the reasons for being single. i strongly agree that there is a reason for being single. we live in a couples world where single women are made to feel inadequate. it was so refreshing to read the article by amy. she turned conventional thinking on its head by saying that being single gives women the opportunity to feel at peace with themselves and to cultivate a healthy independant approach to life. some people seem unable to function without a partner and in my experience, these are the ones who settle for the mundane (or worse). i have first hand experience that there’s nothing more lonely than being in the wrong relationship. being single and working towards happiness and fulfillment within yourself creates a sense of hope for the future. i believe that everyone desires a soulmate. being single and feeling at ease with that opens the door of possibility for the real thing! i’d rather have my ups and downs on my own – they’re going to happen anyway – than have to deal with them AND a disappointing man! i’m single and have realised the importance of taking a rest from men. i now know that i will fall in love in the future, i’m not in any rush. i just know that it’ll happen one day. think my point is, that even if it doesn’t i’m no longer lonely, sad, insecure or frightened because i’m attached to mr wrong for fear of being alone. being single and ok with yourself creates hope and a certain anticipation!
Comment by Vivian
May 19, 2006 @ 4:11 am
What you said makes lots of sence to me. I had a big decision to make 24 years ago after my husband died. I had 6 kids and by myself. I asked myself should I find someone to help me with the kids or should I do this by myself? Well I decided to go it alone and go through my morning time, of my housbands death, and get myself back to gether.It took a very long time but I did it. Then I decided to finish raising the kids. This wasn’t an easy job but it is now done an Iam satisfied. The kids are gone and have families of their own now. I got them all together and had a long talk with them.I told them I learned a lot the last few years and now I need to have someone in my life besides them. I was surprised to hear them say,” mom, what ever makes you happy, you did a good job with us and you deserve to be happy.” Its been a few years sence I’ve been looking,I found a lot of good friends. One of these friends seem to be very special to me, so how knows what will come of that.
Comment by Linda Elliott
May 25, 2006 @ 12:17 pm
I just read your article about being single. I wholeheartedly agree with your insight. I just broke up with my steady boyfriend of just over 2 years. We had different beliefs and eventually we just grew apart. Well I finally realized he was never going to change and that he defintely did not want what I wanted in life. I did not want to be attached to Mr. Wrong. I did not want to stay in this relationship for the wrong reasons.
I believe that God has a special person for me somewhere. I am thankful for the learning that I had from this past relationship. All my relationships are getting better and better.
I am changing my careers and I am going to work full time for the ministry. I do believe I am going to get stronger spiritually by my decision. I am going to enjoy being single now without a boyfriend. Life should always be enjoyed. God created life to be a beautiful journey.
Comment by Kate
June 12, 2006 @ 4:04 pm
Regarding being single, I once had a relationship with this guy for almost 2 years and keep on holding on to the relationship because I was too afraid to grow alone even if it’s really obvious that we are not really meant to be. When I finally let go, it feels great!!! I learn to enjoy life fully and enjoy the company of my friends!!! Now, even if I’m still single, I enjoy every minute of my life hanging around with my friends and new found friends… Being single doesn’t mean you enjoy life less and there’s always fear that you might end up with no one, rather, being single gives you so many opportunities to meet new people and appreciate those around you… it gives you freedom and enjoy what you really want to do without thinking that somebody might get disappointed with your actions or your decisions or worse, someone will get hurt… Being single gives you chance to focus on yourself first, your happiness, your goals and dreams and what will really make you feel fulfilled…
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