Raise your hand if you've never been cheated on and you don't know anyone who's been cheated on.
Did you raise your hand? If so, you are very lucky. You still have that beautiful innocence that so many of us once had, when we still believed that what men told us in the heat of the moment was fact and not passion.
In the innocence of our first relationships, many of us would have built a future on a man's words, simply because we believed the literal truth of what he said.
Later, many of us experienced the hard lesson that a man can tell you that he loves you with all of his heart and that you're the only woman for him … but what he is expressing is the degree of his emotion at that moment through the inadequate vehicle of clichés that he knows you want to hear.
We women know that words come more easily to us than to the average guy. We're brought up to communicate, express our feelings, and connect through words.
Words don't come that easily for many men. For many, their actions speak louder than their words. A man who truly loves a woman will often show her how he feels through what he does for her, more so than through what he says. But others see words as tools to achieve a purpose. They know the words that women want to hear and can use that knowledge to their advantage.
It will always feel like a terrible betrayal to believe someone when he tells you that you are his one and only, that you occupy the entirety of his heart, and that he wants to be with you more than anything … and to find out that he's told other women the same thing.
It leaves us thinking that we can't trust any man with our hearts.
But things are rarely that simple.
There are many situations where it's clear to everyone but the woman involved that the man is cheating. She could see the signs herself, but she refuses to look.
That's because we so often see what we want to see. We hear what we want to hear.
There's no way to predict whether a man will cheat, but there are ways to minimize the chances of it happening.
1. Make sure your expectations and intentions – and his – are clear from the start. Don't assume monogamy is a given. If you haven't spoken about whether you're exclusive, then assume you're not.
2. Don't let the first flush of romantic love (that potent combination of infatuation and lust) blind you. He is who he is. If he enjoys the attention of other women, has had lots of casual flings in the past, and is a "bad boy," then don't assume that the love of a good woman will transform him. Remain as realistic as you can. If you can't see him clearly because of the power of your emotions, then ask your friends or people who've known him a while to give you an honest assessment of the situation.
3. Don't assume that because he treats you like a princess, he isn't treating another woman the same way. We often feel so flattered, pampered, and happy when a man spoils us that our reasonable self goes out the door. Reason's caution lights get blinded by lust's neon glow. We can't imagine that anyone who would treat us that well would be capable of doing it for more than one woman. Remember to keep your head on straight even when your heart is racing.
4. Always keep in mind that whatever he says to you, he has probably said to another woman in the past. It is so hard to recognize that we aren't our boyfriend's first and only lover – or, at least, the only lover that matters. All of us want to believe that he's never experienced this with another woman, that we're teaching him new depths of love and passion. But if you're going to be realistic about a relationship, you have to recognize that you're both adults with histories. You also both have personal goals and beliefs about what you want out of a relationship that might not be compatible – even though the relationship feels oh so right. Have the courage to leave a relationship that isn't mutually respectful, no matter how great it might feel.
If you have been cheated on, remember … the proper response is not to distrust all men. It's not to say that all men are liars. Rather, just be wiser the next time around. A bit more realistic. Eyes a bit more wide open.
It's sad but true that relationships don't just take love. They take smarts, too.
