A while back, Sarah received a consultation from a woman who wanted to how her particular disability was going to affect her search for love. I very much liked the way Sarah responded to the question, so I've included her response (edited to removed identifying details) below.
It's a difficult situation to have a "special need" (or whatever politically correct term is the current currency) and explain the implications of your need to a man who is considering making a future with you. A physical disability that prevents you from enjoying the same activities he enjoys or prevents you from co-creating the kind of future he has always imagined can be grounds to end the relationship.
But luckily, a man who can see past the "dis-" in "dis-ability" is the most wonderful sort of man of all: a man who sees a woman's soul and falls in love with who she is, not what she is or isn't able to do.
As Sarah points out, though, the biggest challenge for persons with special needs is to avoid the victim mentality. If you see yourself as a victim or as someone beleagured by an overwhelming challenge, you'll attract men who'll feed into your low self-esteeem and keep you in your victim state.
A wonderful friend of mine is in a wheelchair. Certainly doesn't hurt him at all in his search for love! He's such a positive person that his wheelchair serves as an ice-breaker and an attention-drawer.
Another wonderful friend of mine is blind. Her resentment and pride pushes many men away. But, at the same time, her passion for causes and acute sensitivity attracts other men.
In the end, it is our attitude about who we are that will affect our love life more profoundly than our physical or environmental conditions. That's because relationships are about love … and none of us were born with disabled hearts.
From Sarah:
I feel encouraged by your email and the way you describe yourself as attractive and self-confident, professional and well-traveled. It sounds as though you have filled your years with lots of life-changing experiences as well as life lessons, so that by the time you have reached "seniority" you can say you have lived well and have a depth of life experience. I myself am a firm believer that our lives are a precious gift, and a positive attitude is the key to unlocking life’s many treasures.
No matter what age or depth of life experience we achieve, we all have our stumbling blocks. Rather than viewing divorces as setbacks, I encourage people to use them as opportunities for growth. No matter who you have experienced life and love with, there is the opportunity to learn something about them, something about life, and most of all the opportunity to learn something about yourself.
A disability can be seen as a special challenge; however, it is only a challenge in as far as you wish to make it. Sometimes our focus on our weaknesses and faults can result in our fears becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. The person who thinks they are fat will eventually let their weight or body image prevent them from meeting men. I converse with people who have a range of challenges or issues that they believe present difficulties in their search for love. Even people without physical challenges can have internal challenges they need to overcome such as depression, self-esteem issues, and shyness. They are only challenges if you choose to make them that.
If you have a disability, remember that this is an aspect of you that may be different to the norm, but it makes you no less special or capable of nurturing and developing relationships.
