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Okay, let's take a survey…
Hands up if you've ever gotten mad at your man?
Hands up if you've ever found it fun to get mad at your man?
Hands up if you've started to find it really easy to get mad at your man?
Now, before we analyze those results, I'm going to tell you a little story.
When I was a teenager, I had a really great guy friend that I used to hang out with all the time. We played video games together, watched movies together, and went to one another's houses for holidays. When I got irritated at him, he didn't take me seriously at all. He turned it into a joke. He'd make fun of me and poke me until I laughed again.
Then one summer I discovered the power of getting mad.
I don't remember why I got angry at him … but for the first time, he didn't laugh. He got upset, shut down, and went home without another word. I felt half-horrified, half-fascinated. I still felt like I had every right to be mad at him, but instead of playing the game he'd taken my shot right in the face.
Sometime, getting mad can be fun. Othertimes, it can kill a relationship. And you don't always know which is which.
I've seen too many long-term relationships where the wife will scream and yell at her husband, doing the only thing she knows to make him understand how she feels, while the husband just gets quieter and thin-lipped and ends up storming out of the house or retreating emotionally.
Throwing a fit never helps things, but it can feel sooo good.
Often our men hate facing conflict. They will do anything to avoid having to face the fact that someone's feelings were hurt or that a mistake was made. As a result, they don't want to talk about problems. The only way we feel that we can get through to them is to throw a fit. Even if they don't end up hearing us, at least we feel better afterwards.
Getting mad at your man can become a habit. Every time he does anything annoying, or forgets something, or acts insensitively, it can feel oh-so-tempting just to let loose.
Although it can feel fantastic to let our emotions rip, very few of us realize how our habit of "getting mad" is actually less endearing than destructive.
I fully admit that I give into my emotions. When I feel something, I need to express it rather than hold it in.
But when is it okay to get mad? When is it okay to throw a tantrum simply because we need to feel heard?
According to clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler, the answer is never.
It's never okay to get mad at your partner. It's never okay to yell, or throw things, or call him names. It's never okay to blame him for every time he's been late for a date with you or every time he's forgotten a special occasion.
When I heard that advice for the first time, I was amazed. But what do you do if you can't get mad at someone? How do you show your partner that you felt hurt? Isn't all that anger harmful if you keep it inside?
Learning how to express yourself in a healthy way when you're angry may be one of the most important lessons you ever learn when it comes to keeping your man's love and respect.
Here are some suggestions for what to do when you're about to get mad:
These techniques will not only help you forge an amazing connection with your partner; they'll also help you with life.
As anyone in management can tell you, blowing up and blaming others and nursing hurt feelings are actions that break teams apart. For a team (like a relationship) to succeed, people have to be willing to cool down, talk things through, and accept decisions made for the sake of the team rather than the individual.
The great thing in a relationship is that there are only two of you with needs to balance. For some, that's one too many.
If you want an okay relationship, go ahead and experience the pleasure of getting angry and making up. But if you want a relationship to last a lifetime, learn healthier ways to get mad – and give up getting even.
Comment by kinu
August 23, 2006 @ 1:29 am
Hi Amy,
First of all hands up for all of the above. You are so right sometimes it does feel great to just vent it all out on him but later on when all that anger has subsided you regret everything. And when i started realising this I did just what you have mentioned in your article and i would say it has helped us so much now we spend more time saying sweet nothings to eachother rather than yelling at eachother. I guess our yelling match has come down to once in 2 months. So much so that later on we laugh it off, when we see our reddened faces and smoke coming out of our ears. For all those out there do take this advice believe me it does help. I have a beautiful relationship with my guy who is more than a thousand miles away in a different country for work purpose for the past 2 and a half years.
Love always
Kinu
Comment by Kate
August 23, 2006 @ 1:36 am
I don’t fully agree with this article. First, it is completely unrealistic to tell someone not to get mad when someone has does something that hurt or angers them. People can’t control their emotions. What they can control is their actions, which can be tuned down by choice despite being angry. Second, the #1 advice seems a little idealistic. If your man is constantly late to whatever it may be, don’t forget that! That shows blatant disrespect to you and your relationship. If he has an irritating pattern, he needs to know about it because most men want to fix what is causing their partner grief. Furthermore, most men want to know when something is wrong so they can be aware of it which, in turn, allows them to avoid an angry ambush when we’ve had it up to our eyeballs with their behavior. We don’t like being decieved or ambushed either and complain when our men don’t communicate to us so why would we set ourselves up to do the same? I think the real issue is that many women get high on being mean when we are hurt. That is not OK and we must learn to deal with things WHEN THEY COME UP and clear things up sooner than later by having a conversation, not yelling match, with our men. Let’s be fair to ourselves as much as we are to our men.
Comment by Catherine
August 23, 2006 @ 2:54 am
I really don’t agree to what clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler says. of course he’s gonna say that we shouldn’t shout at men– because he’s a man.. Duh!!!
It is impossible not to get angry if your partner turns up an hour and a half late after footie practice Because he ” lost track of time” or he forgets what plans you have for most if not all special occations. If men don’t like being shouted at maybe they should start to treat women right.
Comment by Alexandra
August 23, 2006 @ 3:12 am
Hy Amy
I read your article and in my opinion I thought it excellent, there is always a way out in not to be mad, this article is gorgeous because I have an healthier option to solve my madness whithout being hurtfull, in my opinion I can balance my behavior, everything around me becomes easier and more disirable, not only for myself but everybody around me, I never thought about it, but in truth has much to do with day by day quality of life.
Comment by Deb
August 23, 2006 @ 3:29 am
First of all this article is awesome… I think that it is so vital to understand the whole dynamic of “getting mad”. I could not agree with the article more!
However, I do have to say that I have not always felt this way… I read some of the other comments and have honestly felt in the very same way. I thought I had a right to be mad, he wronged me!!! As I get older and have had more relationships I have really come to realize that most of the time when I feel “mad” it’s usually not because of something that my partner has done or not done, but an expectation of my own that has not been met.
My man is very considerate, loving and understanding. This is his character, and when I start to feel mad, all I have to do is think about his side of things, and 99% of the time I’m mad because of an expectation that I had and didn’t tell him or didn’t relate, to him, the importance of whatever the situation was. I have been in this relationship for over a year now and I can honestly say, we don’t “fight”. We are both respectful toward each other and value the others opinions, thoughts and feelings.
When I start to feel “mad”, I try to look at the whole situation, do some evaluation of why am I mad and take responsibility for what I could have done differently. If there truly is valid reason for me to bring it up to my guy, I definitely do, with respect and with understanding of his feelings. It’s never a bashing session, and usually his true character is revealed… he is a considerate, loving and understanding man. If I ever found myself in a relationship where my man showed character traits that, in general, not what I wanted… I would find a new man… not get mad.
Comment by Sarah
August 23, 2006 @ 3:57 am
Wow. Just what I needed! Two days ago I was soooo disappointed that once again my boyfriend had cancelled our plans (due to work as always – so how mad could I be, right? Right! I wasn’t justifiedly mad. I was just disappointed yet again! His “I’ll call you tomorrow sweetie” was met with a self-centred “whatever”. Of course this prompted his asking if I was mad at him, and I replied in the affirmative instead of focusing on the situation (our inability to keep plans because I had a great well-respected guy in my life who not only works hard but whose work deserves to be admired). When did love become selfish??? Somebody slap me next time before this old lioness lets her ego take over her senses. I know he felt slapped in the face because he hung up on me. Will he be back? That’s a tough call to make. I only know after many tears that I will not lose the lesson. Thanks Amy.
Comment by Karen
August 23, 2006 @ 4:46 am
The article on Getting mad at your man, is absolutly fabulous! We women sure need to know these things as it pushes our loved ones away not closer, dur! I’ll be making better decisions after reading this!
Thanks a million!
Karen
Comment by Chuck
August 23, 2006 @ 10:06 am
I recently broke off a year-long relationship with a woman because she wouldn’t stop fighting about stupid stuff. I would shut down after 15 minutes (I always tried to listen for a while first) and then not want to see, touch, or hear from her afterward. Eventually I decided that the relationship didn’t have anything to offer me. She tells me we should be together again, but I am happy for the first time in many months and want no more to do with her.
Comment by Gina
August 23, 2006 @ 5:00 pm
This was definately the BEST article i’ve read!The next time a problem occurs in my relationship im definately going to rethink before i act.
Thanks so much Amy!
Comment by Lavina
August 23, 2006 @ 5:46 pm
Amazing article AMY!!! True to life….
I have just gone through this whole bit last week. I wish I had got to read this a week ago… I would have probably been a little more forgiving. But hey… it was just a superb article! Thanks!
Comment by Marie
August 23, 2006 @ 6:13 pm
Reading this just put me back about 4 years ago, when my mother inlaw told me to YELL! at hem. That is the only thing he knows. We are divorced. And I love hem still. Trying to move on is hard.
Comment by Jane
August 25, 2006 @ 3:43 am
Hello Amy,
Thanks very much.
You made my day.
Am glad to have read this write-up.
You know what, this morning I was just angry with my partner and was kind of having a hard time overlooking his behaviour, I sent him a text (not offensive text), and later we talked and sorted things out.
And when I read through your article for the week I can’t help but smile.
I agree with you all the way.
It’s good to be angry with your partner but it’s not good to scream or shout at him. Because you do not know what prompted his behaving in the way/manner he did. Although sometimes, its difficult to overlook but if only one can take a deep breath before reacting, you will be able to win him over and over to yourself and make it easy for your partner to trust you and want to share his feelings all the time with you.
Amy thanks once again.
Love.
Comment by Riley
August 25, 2006 @ 12:05 pm
This article is everything i needed!! Me and my fiance were just in a yelling match earlier in his car. Sometimes, when im mad, i stop to think about how good it feels to just yell…not thinking about WHO im yelling at. Im also a girl that has sooo many insecureties, that sometimes i feel good and empowered when i yell at him….but when i think about it later, i realize i felt empowered, but i make myself look weak, like i cant handle things properly…i love you for posting this!!!!!!!
Comment by sibo
August 25, 2006 @ 10:59 pm
waal this is juss good advice coz i have juss got angry with my boyfriend so ihave not been talking to him for three days so now ithink iwould swallow my pride and go talk things over with him .what do u think about that but ,the problem that ihave is he is not phoning me as well
Comment by swettha
August 26, 2006 @ 6:28 pm
hi,
its such a wonderful mail.i was really one of dem who gets mad at my guys for his carelessness.n it many times made me feel im going to loose the relationship too.but godforbidden it never happened or it should.but after reading your mail i feel how important he is to me dan his carelessness,for he loves me so much n i know dat.guys r such who need more gap in a relation dan we girls.n its nothing wrong i really understood many things by ur mail.thnks a lot for ur advice n im sure our relation will last forever.thaks again for this wonderful advice.n u know wat i love him a lot.
Comment by nike
August 29, 2006 @ 7:44 am
hi amy…
very interestn mail i must say.but on the other hand,we’ll all admit that guys love this over pampering nature,like one must pet them all the time like an overgrown baby..i understand the fact that pride spoils a lot in most relationships;but if the lady is faulty,let her own up to it…so if the dude is on the wrong side,what stops him frm apologising…we all have the right to flare up at any given time over any given cause…but anyone who is stubborn and sees it as a virtue,has a long way to go in life’s sojourn…i’ve been into a few relationships and i’ve always been at the recieving end of them all.cos they are all used to me apologising even when they’re wrong!!! Enough of all that crap plsssssss!!!!! this cutie aint cut for that anymore…
Comment by Lauren
August 29, 2006 @ 5:40 pm
Hi Amy,
I have read all of your articles everytime you sent to me. Thanks for keep on reminding us don’t think that all guys are look after sex. But I have had many experience that to prove that they are really all look after sex, they don’t even know what true love is all about. Can you help me to over come this? I know this page is for comment about your article but I don’t know how to contact you or will you help me on this?
Hope to hear from you and your answer to my email is very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Regards,
Lauren
Comment by liz
August 30, 2006 @ 2:07 am
am a culprit here! infact, that day, i was so mad at my man, yelled at him for an offence.
now, i know better. there are better ways of resolving issues than getting mad at each other.
Amy, thanks for the insight.
liz
Comment by Marie Jacquelyne
August 30, 2006 @ 5:45 am
OH Boy! Am I guilty at that one! Yep,I did all that and more..but then as I got older, I realized that men just clam up and you get nowwhere so I started doing the opposite.
Instead of getting mad, I don’t say a word & wait until I get an explanation as what I think happened and what maybe the truth can be a whole different thing.
Not easy, but I found out by doing this, I get to know EVERYTHING right down to the very last detail, as by getting mad, I got nowhere.
Sure I still get mad, but I get over my madness by writing what I am mad about and then read it over and end up laughing at myself and I wouldn’t answer myself either if anyone spoke to me like that.hahaha..Then I just erase everything and I feel much better to handle the situation.
Of course, not always can one do this as sometimes things happen on the spot but I am getting much better results and I do this not only with a man, but with everyone.
Comment by Ene
August 30, 2006 @ 11:25 pm
Thanks a million times for posting this mail to me, it brought changes to my thinking patern. I will definately apply this to my present ralationship which is eating me right deep insight.
I have this guy in my life whom I love so much but he has proven himself to be so selfish no matter how much I try to show him care. He is so conservative, so stingy that I don’t know exactly how to handle him.
I want to be with me everyday, he always want to take from me eventhough he earns a salary that is twice more than what I earn and h knows exactly that. He recently complained that i’m chaning my behavior towards him and I sincerely told him that i’m aware of the change in my behavior towards him.
I went ahead to tell him that I have reduse my care for him because he has been selfish. He flared up to say that I have been self-centered.
He has asked me to marry him and I accepted. This happened before I got to know that he is so selfish. He has not been spending his money o me with the excuse that he is making plans for our future. But he collect his salary at the end of every months and spend it on his family members. (parent, brothers, sisters)without giving anything to me and he comes back to eat in my house, asking me for little money every now and then. Recently I have also refuse to give him my money but I still cook food with my money for him. He will always want to eat whatever he sees in my refrigerator without leaving some for me or he will leave so little for me.
On the other hand; he is faithful, the much I know,his patient and his spense almost all of his free time with me.
Finally has promised to marry me evnethough he knows that I have a child and he has none.
I’m so confused, not knowing if I should continued with this guy or not. As I write this mail my heart is in pains. This is because I love him and he is not just doing things right.
Amy, I need you to advice me on what to do. My heart is in pains.
Thank you and God bless as you reach out to me.
Here is my E-mail: bridget_ene@yahoo.com
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