One of the crazy things I have to do in this job to keep on top of the latest dating and relationship trends is to read books written by guys on how to seduce women.
As you can imagine, it's a real eye-opener!
It's so easy to forget that as much as we want to find that perfect guy and feel hopelessly incompetent at attracting cute men, there are just as many guys out there who feel hopelessly incompetent at approaching a woman they're attracted to and asking her out.
That's why one of my biggest pieces of advice to women is be approachable! Make it easy for guys to catch your eye, exchange smiles, and make small talk with you. You'll discover that what you once thought was a barren landscape without a single available guy has become a sea of men ready and willing to spend time with you.
But that's not the focus of today's article. Instead, what I want to talk about is a concept called "Oneitis."
Oneitis is a concept developed by the men's seduction community to describe "an obsession with a girl whom one is not dating; pickup artists believe that such an extreme fixation on one woman significantly lowers a man's chances of dating or sleeping with her." (The Game p.444). That definition, by the way, comes from one of the most respected pickup artists in the world: Neil Strauss, New York Times bestselling author and journalist for Rolling Stones magazine. His book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists is the gold standard for information about the seduction community, its history, its lingo, and its key players.
The idea is that when a man is fixed on learning seduction techniques to attract one particular girl because he worships the ground she walks on, he will inevitably fail, because she will sense his desperation-tinged adoration. There's nothing less attractive than a man who acts like a puppy dog, following you everywhere and leaping to do whatever he thinks will please you.
Once a man realizes that he has oneitis, he can shake off his infatuation by focusing his efforts on dating other women. Although he may kid himself at first that he is practicing flirting to hone his skills for "the One," he often finds in the process that the other women he's seeing have much to offer him. He starts enjoying himself and feeling more comfortable interacting with women. Soon, his preoccupation with "the One" is revealed for exactly what it is: an immature infatuation with a woman who in all likelihood isn't the best match for him. Although he still may enjoy her company, he won't live or die based on her acceptance or rejection of him. Strangely enough, this often triggers a turning point in their relationship: she will find him more interesting and attractive when his self-esteem is independent of her opinion of him.
Although this concept has been developed particularly for the male seduction community (see UrbanDictionary.com's definition of oneitis for a more crude description of the term), it is interesting to consider whether it has any relevance to us women.
In my last article on "Stop Him from Cheating," Kate wrote a comment where she said:
"'You deserve someone who’s into you.' – yeah great idea – but what if he is the only man you are interested in? You just dump him and move on? … I am not interested in just any guy. If he’s just not that into you I would like to know what to do so that he is into me. Chances are if he isn’t other guys aren’t into you either."
Being keenly interested in a man, to the point that you won't even look at other men because you're so certain that he's the one for you, certainly sounds like oneitis.
But doesn't labeling it as a "social disease" make a mockery of our very real feelings of attraction? Whereas men might be able to say that the cure for being obsessed with one particular girl is sleeping with ten others, most women aren't made that way. We usually fall in love with one man at a time. We have the right to be interested in one particular man and want to know how to make him feel the same way … don't we?
I went to seduction expert James Brito to ask how oneitis might apply to women. His answer was simple.
"If you're determined to get him, worrying night and day whether you're going to lose him, and obsessing over him, HE'S NOT THE ONE!"
Having an extreme case of oneitis is in itself proof that any relationship based on such an unequal distribution of attraction will be fatally flawed. If you like him a LOT more than he likes you, then you'll have more invested in the relationship than he will. You may find yourself changing yourself, giving up your own interests, and allowing him to control the relationship because you don't want him to leave. That's a recipe for disaster.
It's healthy to start out a relationship with a neutral caution. Avoid giving into your feelings of infatuation, adoration, and love for the first few months. Allow yourself to get to know him better. See what it feels like to actually be together. Ask yourself at each stage how you feel in the relationship. Don't allow your admiration of his personal qualities to override the more important question, which is how you both interact as a couple.
Easier said than done, I know. It's so much fun to fall head over heels for a guy. It's so hard to step back from how wonderful he is as a person to see how wonderful or not we are as a couple.
But remember your goal in the first stages of dating: it's to evaluate your relationship potential. It's not to confess your undying love. Leave that for once you're already in an established relationship moving towards greater intimacy and commitment.
And that, I think, is the sound principle behind the concept of oneitis. The purpose of dating isn't to find the "perfect" man; it's to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship.
