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Is Your Guy the Marrying Kind?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

posted by amy

Many of us have no clue what a man wants in a relationship.  If we're cynical, we may think he just wants sex, someone to keep him from feeling alone, or the status of having a girlfriend.  If we're romantic, we may think that he wants love, a life companion, and a mother for his children.

And if we look into our own hearts, into the many complex reasons we want a man in our lives, we often find a little bit of all of the above.  The proportions may be different, but none of us can deny that the benefits of a relationship include companionship, intimacy, a change in status from "single" to "couple," love, partnership, and a shared future.

But what most of us don't know is how important relationships actually are for men.  According to the National Marriage Project (supported by Rutgers University), marriage transforms men's lives in positive, healthy ways.  Married men are more productive, earn more money, get sick less, think more about the future, are happier, and even have better sex lives.  According to sociologist Steven Nock, marriage is also a rite of passage from boy to man.

The National Marriage Project 2004 study on "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why" reveals that the type of man most likely to look forward to a future of marital bliss is religious, has grown up in a family with both parents, and feels it's time to settle down.  Surprisingly, most men (more than two out of three) do not believe that the purpose of marriage is having children.

Most of these men are married for the first time by the time they're thirty.  Which brings us to the second group that the study examined: the non-marrying kind (22% of those surveyed).  These are men who believe that marriage is not for them: they are significantly more likely to distrust women, fear losing their personal freedom, focus on the high divorce rate and bad marriages, and not want children.  The study suggests that the notion of the thirty-something bachelor who's finally getting ready to settle down after sowing his wild oats is, in fact, a myth.  Many thirty-something single men are undecided or even opposed to the idea of getting married anytime soon.

Therefore, if you're seeking a partner with long-term potential, here are 3 things you should look out for:

  1. He speaks positively of marriage or other people's marriages.   If, on the other hand, he often predicts that a trouble marriage will end in divorce or points out the disadvantages and troubles in other people's marriages, then he may not hold a positive enough belief in marriage to want to make that commitment himself.
  2. He trusts women in general.  Men who've had positive, healthy relationships with other women (such as his mother, sisters, female friends, co-workers) have often developed the skills needed to build and maintain a relationship with a partner.  These men have a greater understanding of women, or at least have come to peace with gender differences, and are less likely to see women as the enemy.
  3. He's passed the stage in life where "fun and freedom" were his main focus.  Even though most men will admit that their freedom is important to them, a man who's settling into the stage in his life where he can think about marriage will find that other goals appeal to him.  He may think more about finding a soulmate.  He may be more interested in building something lasting, such as a career, a house, or public service.  If, on the other hand, he often jokes about the "ball and chain" of marriage and urges friends to treasure their freedom above a woman, he may not be the marrying kind.

To learn more about how you can attract the right kind of man for lasting love, click here and discover "How to Be Irresistible to Men," the ultimate guide for attracting your soulmate.  Stop wasting your time with men who aren't worth it.  Discover how to tell when a relationship is right for you.  You'll be amazed at the quality of men you'll attract.  Get it now at:

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9 Comments

1881

Comment by Janice

October 25, 2006 @ 8:57 am

While I love all your e-letters about relationships, and have purchased the on-line book about How to be Irresistable to Men…..I would like you to address the older set here. You know, the “boomers” who have now divorced and are out there searching. Most all of your advice is geared toward the younger person…which is great…but give us older generation a little help and direction, too….We might just be in a different place than those “young-uns”….Many thanks.
Janice

1882

Comment by Linda

October 25, 2006 @ 9:17 am

I totally agree with Janice we could really do with a little help for the older generation as a lot of the stuff which I would have agreed with at a younger age doesn’t apply now.

1884

Comment by Elizabeth

October 25, 2006 @ 10:31 am

I’ve been dating a wonderful man for 7 months. We’re very much in love with each other, but I’m thinking of ending the relationship because he’s terrified of marriage. His parents had a miserable and abusive marriage, but he is sweet and gentle (and fun, smart, handsome, generous, loving, etc.) He fits the criteria of 2 and 3 above, but not 1. I don’t know if I’m wasting my time, but he’s the kindest man I’ve ever met. He’s not the player type at all (we have many of the same acquaintances so I know a lot about him more than what I know personally of him)

1891

Comment by Louise

October 25, 2006 @ 1:07 pm

I too am looking for advice regarding the older generation. Are there different characteristics that determine whether an older man who has been married before and already has a family is a candidate for re-marriage?

A little more than curious,
Louise

1895

Comment by Fay warders

October 25, 2006 @ 4:59 pm

Amy- Iam seeing a man that has been divoriced and was married for 18 years. And I myself just went through a divorice of 23 years. I have not been around my x-husband in well over 4 years. I have a proublem the guy I am seeing now his x-wife calls all the time and comes over without being invited and he does not find this to be a proublem of any kind, Am I over reacting? He is the only other man I have been with otheer then my ex-husband. Heip me please to understand this.

1896

Comment by Ayanda

October 25, 2006 @ 8:56 pm

Hi

I have to say. I think i am one of those who has seen it all, the dumoing and the being dumped. As a amatter of fact, i had kinda turned into a sour p…. and said its time to play. However, the guy i am with now, he is all and more. The three qualities you have mentioned above, the praise of others, appreciation of women and positive talk, he has them all. My one worry is how do i go about making sure that i do not keep doubting all he says to me. I am scared that i will jeorpadise this one.

Help!

1897

Comment by Adela

October 25, 2006 @ 10:05 pm

Hi everyone! I find very interesting this article and from my personal experience I can say that it’s true that guys who have had positive relationship with other important women for them or female friends tend to build a lasting relationship with their partner. I think that once they found the woman of their dreams she is the only important thing that raelly matters.

1898

Comment by KS

October 25, 2006 @ 11:17 pm

The concept of the marrying kind makes sense. However, in our world, it’s very unrealistic. I agree about the older set…this info has no bearing on us. We’re dealing with men who have been divorced, widowed, have children, have had other relationships (possibly bad ones). As for men who are younger, we’re dealing with a generation where divorce was commonplace. If you take the criteria of the Marrying Kind, there are very few people like this and often even younger women in their 20s prefer men who are over 30 for their maturity. These days, it’s not cynical to accept and realize that we ALL have baggage. I feel a better to way is to accept and learn positive ways of dealing with it.

1902

Comment by Elizabeth

October 26, 2006 @ 5:37 am

KS, I like your comment: “These days, it’s not cynical to accept and realize that we ALL have baggage. I feel a better to way is to accept and learn positive ways of dealing with it.”

I just hope I can figure out those positive ways, but it reminds me that it’s not that unusual to be with a very loving man whose broken home made him very uncomfortable with the idea of marriage (as opposed to me – my parents are together 42 years now and are very happy still) But I’m not perfect – I have baggage, just less of it and different types.

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