I've been reading a lovely little book over the Christmas Holidays: Peace is Every Step by Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh (Bantam Books: New York, 1992). Nhat Hanh was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1967 by none other than Martin Luther King, Jr., himself. Although Thich Nhat Hanh did not receive the award, he has done more to promote the cause for peace than many world leaders. For him, world peace begins with peace in every heart.
Few of us are mindful of how our emotional states affect those around us. If we are grumpy, others around us may start to feel irritated without knowing why. If we are gloomy, our frowns will often dampen the smiles of those around us. If we are angry, we find that our partners soon become angry, too.
That is why Thich Nhat Hanh teaches a simple technique to bring us back to the moment and uplift our spirits again: breathe and smile.
Smiling, even if you don't feel like it, is often enough to make you feel better. Breathing calms you, brings you back to your center, and drives disturbing thoughts from your mind temporarily. On a deeper level, smiling is an expression of love, while breathing is connected with mindfulness.
Nhat Hanh has many beautiful passages on how his technique can even make washing the dishes or the annoying ring of a telephone into a meaningful experience. But the most beautiful passage of all, to me, was this one, on the meaning of "Real Love."
"We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we only know our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love. We must look deeply in order to see and understand the needs, aspirations, and suffering of the person we love. This is the ground of real love. You cannot resist loving another person when you really understand him or her.
"From time to time, sit close to the one you love, hold his or her hand, and ask, 'Darling, do I understand you enough? Or am I making you suffer? Please tell me so that I can learn to love you properly. I don't want to make you suffer, and if I do so because of my ignorance, please tell me so that I can love you better, so that you can be happy.' If you say this in a voice that communicates your real openness to understand, the other person may cry. That is a good sign, because it means the door of understanding is opening and everything will be possible again."
"…We need courage to ask these questions, but if we don't ask, the more we love, the more we may destroy the people we are trying to love. True love needs understanding. WIth understanding, the one we love will certainly flower." (80-81)
