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I stopped to get a coffee this morning at a different coffee shop than usual. The cafe was narrow and humming with businesspeople standing and reading newspapers while waiting for their coffees to go. Steam poured from the bar where a slender man with thinning hair scooped froth and poured milk with the delicate hands of a musician.
A few of the guys from the office at the end of the hall were waiting for their coffees as well. They are all aspiring musicians, and to fund their creativity they've created online kits to teach people to play the guitar, piano, and other instruments. Their office has bare brick walls, framed prints of the Beatles, black leather sofas, towers of coffee cups, a jumble of instruments in the corner, and a sound studio behind a discrete door. It's the feeling of geniuses at work.
I chatted with the guys as they waited for their coffees, then three of them left, leaving the last guy behind to wait for an extra order. He brushed his hair out of his face and asked, "So, any exciting weekend plans?"
"Not much. Having a barbecue this Friday with at a friend's house. Then we're going out on the town."
"A female friend?"
"Nope, a guy friend."
"Right…" He laughed. "Not just a friend, then."
I didn't understand. "Why do you think he wouldn't just be a friend?"
"Because you don't hang out at a guy's house and go partying with him unless there's something going on there."
It was the old Harry Met Sally conundrum.
Women find it easy to think of a man as "just a friend." We can hang out with a guy, share our thoughts and feelings, enjoy activities together, and take pleasure in his company without ever thinking of him in a sexual way. Similarly, we can even find joy in a merely platonic friendship with a man that we're sexually interested, if that's the best we can get.
Men, on the other hand, find that sexual desire often gets in the way of a platonic friendship with a female. If they are sexually interested in a woman, it can be painful for them to continue a merely platonic friendship with her. Some men even cut off friendships with women to whom they're attracted, because they don't want to torture themselves with sexual frustration.
One popular folk theory that explains this phenomenon is Ladder Theory. Developed by Dallas Lynn, Ladder Theory is a crude, unscientific concept that purports to explain how male-female sexual attraction actually works.
According to Ladder Theory, when a woman meets a man, she subconsciously puts him on one of two "ladders." On the first ladder, she ranks men that she would potentially be interested in as a sexual partner. On the second ladder, she puts men that she considers friends.
The theory states that men can never jump from the "friends" ladder to the "real" ladder. In other words, if a man is a woman's friend, she won't think of him sexually. If he tries to upgrade his status from friend to lover, she'll spurn his advances with, "But I don't think of you that way!", causing him to fall into the abyss.
This concept makes sense on a certain level. We all know lovely men who will make a great catch for a woman someday but, for whatever reason, don't turn us on. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about, the kind that–no matter how hard you try–you can't think romantically about. The kind that makes you say, "He's a nice guy, but he's my friend."
Most nice guys have had to deal with the fallout from Ladder Theory time and time again, when they become friends with a girl in hopes of eventually developing a relationship with her. They don't realize that by placing themselves on the "friends" ladder, they've ensured that she will find it difficult to think of him "like that."
Now, I'm not saying that Ladder Theory is true! I'm simply saying that this is one way that men explain women to themselves.
What is even more revealing is how Ladder Theory explains male attraction.
Ladder Theory states that unlike women, men just have one ladder, and it's not the friends ladder. In other words, men will consider sleeping with anyone, including women they consider "just friends."
This can be hard for some women to accept. I'm one of them. I like to believe that my male friends see me as friends and nothing else.
But others believe Ladder Theory. As I talked with the young musician at the coffee shop, I realized that even though he probably didn't know what Ladder Theory was, everything he was saying supported it.
He told me, "If you ask any guy what he would do if one of his female friends walked into the room completely naked and said, 'I want you,' I don't doubt that he would have sex with her. If there's an opportunity for sex, a guy is going to take it."
So is impossible for a man and a woman to just be friends? According to Ladder Theory, it is easy for a woman to be friends with a man, but a man will always hold out some possibility of sleeping with a female friend.
Whether or not you believe this theory, it is interesting to consider. For me, I believe that Ladder Theory-style thinking is characteristic of less mature men. As men mature, they are less driven by their hormones and more driven by a need to find meaning and satisfaction in their relationships.
What do you think?
Comment by MF
April 13, 2006 @ 5:33 am
Sorry…
Actually agreed with the Ladder Theory! Even though am a female myself.
I think the Ladder Theory is put in a Clear & No-nonsen manner, even to being overly brutal / gross for most girls.
Still it is straight talk and most women can handle it.
Regards.
Comment by Fatema
April 19, 2006 @ 2:03 am
Hi!
I totally agree with this Ladder concept. However platonic a relationship – a MAN tends to want the woman physically because the reason the MAN has got attracted to the woman is because she is a woman otherwise he would be better off having a guy as his friend coz they have everything in common. I’ve been frends with many men and most of them did back out for various reasons but now I know what that is – they SIMPLY cannot live a platonic friendship, it does get painful for them to hide their feelings and emotions and they are equally scared of loosing the person by telling the truth so they just back out.
Comment by Tracy
April 19, 2006 @ 3:12 am
I agree with the theory for the most part but there are exceptions to every rule. I am a female who wanted more from a friendship and he said that even though he thought I was amazing and had a great time with me he just was not attracted to me “in that way”. I have since distanced myself from the friendship. It goes both ways.
Comment by Sarah
April 19, 2006 @ 4:05 pm
That is unless your male friend is gay. If this is the case as it is in mine you can have the greatest male/female friendship ever. No threat of sexual activity or that getting in the way because there is simply no opening for it.
Comment by Heather
April 26, 2006 @ 1:48 pm
I totally disagree with this theory.
My current boyfriend was originally my totally platonic friend for a year before we started dating. When he was just my friend, I had absolutely no romantic interest in him at all.
Then, for some reason I changed and now he is my boyfriend. Ladder Theory would say that this is impossible, especially since I put him in the just friends category for over a year (with no romantic interest or feelings).
Similar things have happened before. Men who I though of as just friends and had absolutely no romantic interest in, later changed in my eyes, and I DID become interested in them.
So, at least in my experiences, a man who is in the just friends category (and absolutely nothing more) CAN change to the dating category.
Comment by Sherelle
April 28, 2006 @ 12:32 pm
Hi have to agree with this theory too. I have just experienced it. I was friends with a wonderful couple we had great times together and a lot of fun. To my great shock, they broke up. As I was friends with both of them I maintained my friendship with both of them. Next thing I know however is that HE has a crush on me and was asking me how I felt about his son! OH BOY. Well I had to say that nothing could ever happen as 1. His wife is one of my best friends and 2. I am in love with someone else. Well the good news is that he and his wife are working things out but it does go to show that these things happen. Both of them say that I had nothing to do with Him walking out but I have to wonder. I think guys will take an interest in women who are friendly even if they are in or just coming out of a relationship.
Comment by Stefany
April 28, 2006 @ 4:17 pm
I couldn’t say I agree…I believe that men are looking for a woman that will be their best friend as well as their lover! Someone that they can play basketball with and be freaky with! I believe that a great long friendship is the key to a long lasting relationship!
Comment by Becca
May 10, 2006 @ 1:53 pm
I have a guy friend, and when we met I thought of him strictly as a friend. After a few months I started to like him, and after flirting on his part I decided to ask him. He told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he was too old. But we continued our friendship and after a bit of time it felt like before, and he was still flirting and sometimes talking about us in relational terms. He still says there is nothing there and that it’s luck of the draw who we are attracted to. I’m not sure what to think about him.
Basically, I’m saying I think Ladder Theory is true for a lot of people, but of course it isn’t a fool proof theory.
Comment by Maureen
May 20, 2006 @ 6:07 am
I agree that mostly men wont commit before they are fully cinvinced that you are the woman they want in there lives so a possibility of friendship without any seriouse commitment is very much possible.
Comment by Patty
May 24, 2006 @ 2:08 am
I think the ladder theory doesn’t always work, as in my case. I was physcally attracted to my boyfriends best friend as he was attracted to me. But we never hooked up, we both got married had children and moved on with our lives,(we remained friends,the attraction was still there). He divorced and moved on with his life. Shortly thereafter I divorced…we eventually got together and started seeing one another, it was really hard to cross the line or jump from one ladder to the other but it eventually happened and we loved it and loved being together, our children grew up together so they knew one another. Again our lives took a turn and we eventually found another person, we still have deep feelings for each other but we have jumped back to the ladders where we belong (friends).We have both remarried and are getting along fine in our new marriages, we still see one another every now and then but only on a friendship level, we will always know that there is something there and will never die. We have told one another that if we ever find that when we are old and gray and alone that we will find one another again be happy and never part again.
Comment by Joku
August 31, 2006 @ 12:03 am
First of all.. What does it matter if someone sees you sexually as well as a friend? I don’t mind lesbians as friends either if they don’t come on to me…
Same with men, if he is attracted but we both know that that is that and no more.. then why not be friends?
I have a male friend, I was in love with him for years, (not nowadays though) but he knew that our relationship would never work, so we never did it… he just wasn’t into me in that way… =)
And he is definitely a friend – if I have trouble or something in my mind, and I sms to him that I’d need someone to listen, he calls me.. and he knows that he can rely on my friendship.
The ladder theory. Well, that can be true with normal situation but it can be overcome, IF a man has enough psychological eye.
This book http://www.seductionbook.com/ .. I’ve read the actual book, and I know that at least it works on me… Even now after reading how it is done, it would work, if a man had enough skill to work on seduction.
Comment by Marie Jacquelyne
September 7, 2006 @ 1:41 am
Well girls, learn something..men are men and even as friends they will think of you “sexually” and won’t only “if” they are not “into you” or gay!
In my life time I have slept with “friends” which now they call “fuck friends” sorry to be crude..but that is the reality. We stayed friends but had sex without the committement.
Some guys I would have never slept with and they would never sleep with me. I was so friends with one guy that when we did end up in bed together. We both started laughing because he couldn’t get it up and I wasn’t interested either..so we remained just that..”Friends”.
I know how to handle that situation when I meet a man and if his sexual attraction to me is too strong then we don’t remain friends because it is frustrating..same way for women. I have a high attraction for one man that I know isn’t right for me and everytime I see him my hormone gland goes out of whack.
But am a woman who doesn’t like anything to control me. So I stay out of his way and do everything not to see him.
I will always be attracted to him but am not letting that stop me from falling in love with the “right” guy. I laugh at all these ladder or gland theories..because that is all they are. You know yourself, know what you want, know what you don’t want and get what you want. So you make a mistake now and then, so cry, wipe the tears and move on. No man is worth crying for than 3 seconds. I don’t care who he is. Of course there is the exception..if he was great and he died..but then life must go on.
I love the way I think and I learned it from all experiences I had good and bad and put it on the positive outlook. All negative has a positive side to it and that is how I look at it.
I know men want me when I meet them, but I know how to handle that and am upfront with it. So going for a cup of coffee..means sex to men after..but not to me..unless that is what I want.
Men and women are not that complicated..its the male society who want to make us think what they want to think but then..who gives birth..hah..let them try that! We dont even need them to have children now..but they always will need a womb! So who has the upper hand..we do and don’t forget it.
I have had men say that they hate women because we give birth and they are jealous because they can’t be without a woman to have a child and I reply..”Yep, we are in control and don’t forget it.” 🙂 Look in the news, look at different societies what men do to women, burkas, tying of the feet to make them small..chinese, veils etc etc..why do you think and trust me it has nothing to do with religion..that is just an excuse.!!!
Comment by Vivian
January 2, 2007 @ 1:36 am
I had the same mentality as Amy’s. However, I did one time had this discussion with my boyfriend and what he said actually verified the male Ladder Theory. He said men and women can never be friends. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship that a man have with a a woman, if he waited patiently enough and everything was right, then the man will have sex with the woman whether or not they are friends. So he said don’t be so naive about men. 😉
Comment by Hanna
February 22, 2007 @ 12:59 pm
If You want to check what really guys try to do all the time just check
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