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Getting Over the Ghosts

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

posted by amy

When we start out as teenagers loving boys and hiding our crushes with blushing smiles, we're acutely sensitive to whether they like us back.  Teenagers can be cruel.  The most popular boy in school may not know that we exist, but that's better than confessing our feelings and hearing him laugh in our face.

As we grow older, we find out that our adult lovers may be more tactful, but their rejection doesn't hurt any less.  In my work with Save My Marriage Today!, I hear stories about partners who are trapped in a cycle of hurting one another, building walls of silence and indifference to defend themselves against the person who's supposed to be their ally in love.

None of us like to think about the painful consequences of loving someone.  But when we have feelings for someone, their critical opinion can wound us like no one else's.  Healthy relationships require us to understand our own reaction to such criticism.  We must learn to develop a healthy response to wounding words.  Otherwise, those rejections will carry over to future relationships and negatively impact our interactions with a loving man who doesn't understand why his casual remarks trigger such anger.

Recently I've been reading a novel by my favorite romance writer Nora Roberts, and one of her female characters illustrates this point perfectly.  In Suzanna's Surrender, the main character is a single mother who's been recently divorced from an ambitious corporate lawyer.  He constantly told her that she disappointed him and couldn't measure up to the other society wives.  She accepted the humiliation because of her love for him.  It took years – and his infidelity – before she could recognize what their marriage was doing to the children and her self-esteem, and escape.

We'd all like to believe that those experiences – if we're aware of them and how they've affected us – won't carry over into our future relationships, because we know enough not to make the same mistake again.  But they do.  We develop habitual patterns of reacting to abuse or rejection, and those instincts kick in whether or not they're merited.

In Roberts' novel, the main character learns to grow out of her past through the healing love of a man who shows her just how much he needs, wants, and admires her.  But not all of us are that lucky.

We don't leave the past behind every time we enter a new relationship.  Every new relationship is affected by the ghosts of past relationships – his and yours.

And, sadly, what sticks with us most about past relationships are often the parts we disliked or that hurt us the most. 

It's funny that I still remember the guy who told me that everything about me was perfect except for my personality.  Or the man who told me that I didn't look like a model, "you know."  Both were men I cared for deeply, and those critical comments stuck with me longer than all the loving compliments they'd given me.

If I review my relationship history, those incidents are anomalies.  Almost all of the men I have been with have been loving, complimentary, and appreciative.  But I can't remember any compliments as clearly as I remember those two criticisms.

I'm not unique.  Studies have shown that negative experiences are better remembered than positive experiences.  When an experience carries a strong emotional charge, we remember it more vividly.  When something someone says hurts us in a powerful way, it sticks in our memory in a way all the "I love you"s in the world can't.

So what do we do about it?

First of all, don't accept hurtful criticism or abuse in silence.  If you can tell your partner that you felt hurt by his comment in a calm, un-accusatory way, then there is the chance that the emotional impact of the situation can be defused.  A situation that started out with angry words might evolve into an honest discussion.  The key is to express how you feel with "I" statements rather than hurling "you" statements in self-defense (e.g., say "I felt hurt by your comment" rather than "YOU hurt me when YOU said that").

Second, if your feelings seem out of proportion to the situation, ask yourself whether you're responding to the particular person you're with, or whether a past experience is haunting you still.  Sometimes simply becoming aware that we're sensitive about an issue because a previous partner used to criticize us is enough take away its charge.

Finally, forgive yourself for not being perfect.  It's okay if you don't look like a model or aren't perfectly compatible with someone else's idea of the perfect woman.  You're you.  And that's all you need to be for the right man.

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6 Comments

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Comment by Stana

July 26, 2006 @ 2:58 am

Hi your article was right on .I think near all of us can relate to the fears and ghosts of the past..and the present!…if we can’t we prob need to see a counselor bout getting in touch!…If i read between the lines (or between you and the car belt!)you are expecting a little one?! Congrats….I can remember 2 things esp when i had my first…one was i was afrad we would somehow break her on the way home in the car first auto trip! and also i remember looking at her and saying out loud …ahhhh they say we are suppose to talk to you…so ahhh here we go I hope it works…she went on to become a psychologist!Didn’t break! and the talking must have worked !Enjoy ~!Our children are the greatest gift we give our selves and to the world…nothing like it you are in for a real education Lady so undo your seat belt…and hold on!..here we go!! To blessed life! Been there done that and would not have missed it for the world! well on the other hand!! Just kidding….thanks Stana

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Comment by Alison

July 26, 2006 @ 4:26 am

Your article was incredibly well timed. I have been seeing the most wonderful man, who has shown me more love and respect than any of my previous partners combined. Yet, my ghosts still haunt me. Even though i am in counselling (I’m trying to undo the emotional damage left by a violent previous LTR) there are still times when I let doubts and fears creep in. Only today, I feel my reactions to some of his remarks, however innocently made, are due to an ongoing lack of trust where men are concerned. I’m just hoping it hasn’t ruined what was the best relationship I’ve ever been in.
There’s no easy answer. Trying to rid these demons from our pasts is like trying to remove scar tissue. If you’re used to taking abuse…you are naturally going to anticipate it..or is that just me?

I know I’m sick of being haunted. Maybe an exorcism would do the trick? hehe

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Comment by Renee

July 26, 2006 @ 4:29 am

I do believe we need to look inside ourselves before we enter a relationship. We need to make sure we are not holding on to our pasts. Whatever we keep in our hearts will hurt our relationships and us. W ehave to be very careful and examine our hearts. Always learning to let go of the painful words and actions done by others. If we learn to let go of these things, we will be so much better off. If we could just learn that we are not perfect and we will never fit anyone’s picture of perfection. We are unique. We are all beautiful however God made us. God did not make any mistakes. We must accept the beauty that is within us and it will show on the outside. Always being confident in who we are (not arrogant or conceited), and never letting negative things get us down.

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Comment by Ty

July 26, 2006 @ 9:45 pm

Excellent article, thank you. I am in a new wonderful relationship and I have realised some weeks ago that we can at times be haunted by ex relationship gosts. Hurtful comments made by my ex fiance during our 4 years together did bring doubts in myself.
Comments such as “you are lovely, but it s a shame that you re not a 90 C!” (he even suggested for me to go through surgery) made by the man you love can suddenly make you feel that you re not beautiful and worth loving. I didnt use to have much complexes before that but this hurtful comment created a block with him and in my future relationships. However the man in am now dating has been wonderful and very considerate, and I can see through his eyes how beautiful he sees me. This has allowed me to feel more confident, sensual and sexy, I now once again love the way I look and can in return share this with him.

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Comment by trishs

August 1, 2006 @ 2:33 am

Hi! I just wantwed you to know that I highly appreciated your articles and the latest email you sent to me/us. I loved it. Thank you so much for you wonderful wisdom and insights into relationship / life.

Trisha

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Comment by Melissa

August 14, 2006 @ 4:17 pm

Your article points out the mechanisms for getting over wounds that were inflicted by past partners. What I’m struggling with is healing the wound created by my husband, my current partner.
Over a 6 month period of depression I gained 60 pounds, due in part to the medication I was taking. I have stopped taking the medication but have only lost 10 of the 60 pounds. I am 5’8″ and currently weigh 205.
My husband told me just yesterday that he feels our sex life is restricted by my extra weight. He said we cannot make love in certain positions because parts of my body are too large and get in the way. He said he cannot fully penetrate me and therefore the sex is not as pleasureable because of “the thickness of my skin.”
I am wounded so deeply by these comments. So much so that I doubt even time will heal them.

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