Okay, let's take a survey…
Hands up if you've ever gotten mad at your man?
Hands up if you've ever found it fun to get mad at your man?
Hands up if you've started to find it really easy to get mad at your man?
Now, before we analyze those results, I'm going to tell you a little story.
When I was a teenager, I had a really great guy friend that I used to hang out with all the time. We played video games together, watched movies together, and went to one another's houses for holidays. When I got irritated at him, he didn't take me seriously at all. He turned it into a joke. He'd make fun of me and poke me until I laughed again.
Then one summer I discovered the power of getting mad.
I don't remember why I got angry at him … but for the first time, he didn't laugh. He got upset, shut down, and went home without another word. I felt half-horrified, half-fascinated. I still felt like I had every right to be mad at him, but instead of playing the game he'd taken my shot right in the face.
Sometime, getting mad can be fun. Othertimes, it can kill a relationship. And you don't always know which is which.
I've seen too many long-term relationships where the wife will scream and yell at her husband, doing the only thing she knows to make him understand how she feels, while the husband just gets quieter and thin-lipped and ends up storming out of the house or retreating emotionally.
Throwing a fit never helps things, but it can feel sooo good.
Often our men hate facing conflict. They will do anything to avoid having to face the fact that someone's feelings were hurt or that a mistake was made. As a result, they don't want to talk about problems. The only way we feel that we can get through to them is to throw a fit. Even if they don't end up hearing us, at least we feel better afterwards.
Getting mad at your man can become a habit. Every time he does anything annoying, or forgets something, or acts insensitively, it can feel oh-so-tempting just to let loose.
Although it can feel fantastic to let our emotions rip, very few of us realize how our habit of "getting mad" is actually less endearing than destructive.
I fully admit that I give into my emotions. When I feel something, I need to express it rather than hold it in.
But when is it okay to get mad? When is it okay to throw a tantrum simply because we need to feel heard?
According to clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler, the answer is never.
It's never okay to get mad at your partner. It's never okay to yell, or throw things, or call him names. It's never okay to blame him for every time he's been late for a date with you or every time he's forgotten a special occasion.
When I heard that advice for the first time, I was amazed. But what do you do if you can't get mad at someone? How do you show your partner that you felt hurt? Isn't all that anger harmful if you keep it inside?
Learning how to express yourself in a healthy way when you're angry may be one of the most important lessons you ever learn when it comes to keeping your man's love and respect.
Here are some suggestions for what to do when you're about to get mad:
- Get some perspective. Is it really such a big deal that he was 15 minutes late? Is it really such a big deal that you'd planned something together that you were really looking forward to and he canceled? How much does this matter to your relationship? Can you laugh at this?
- Deal with the situation at hand. Don't bring up the past (e.g., every time he's done this before) or the future. Keep yourself focused on this specific event.
- Express your feelings completely. If you don't tell him how you feel, you'll become resentful and bitter. Make sure that you tell him how his actions made you feel in a way that's non-accusatory and non-confrontational. Remember that it's not about what he did – it's about how you felt about it.
- Care about his point of view. Don't have a shouting match where you're trying to drown one another out. The problem with most arguments is that each side is focused on what they're going to say, not on understanding the other person's point of view or resolving the conflict. Maybe he was just as upset as you were when he had to cancel your special date night; maybe he sped to get home on time and sat cursing at the stoplights, knowing he was going to be late. You don't know. Give him space to tell you.
- Give up being right and get closer. When you're focused on being right, your relationship loses. Don't hold the pain of being hurt so tightly to you that it forms a barrier between you and your partner. Allow him to make amends, and allow yourself to forgive. You know when your partner's heart is genuinely in the right place.
These techniques will not only help you forge an amazing connection with your partner; they'll also help you with life.
As anyone in management can tell you, blowing up and blaming others and nursing hurt feelings are actions that break teams apart. For a team (like a relationship) to succeed, people have to be willing to cool down, talk things through, and accept decisions made for the sake of the team rather than the individual.
The great thing in a relationship is that there are only two of you with needs to balance. For some, that's one too many.
If you want an okay relationship, go ahead and experience the pleasure of getting angry and making up. But if you want a relationship to last a lifetime, learn healthier ways to get mad – and give up getting even.
