I love receiving emails from readers.  Everyone has their own unique story and particular question they want answered.  Despite the variety of situations, however, I've noticed some of the same themes recurring.

• How do I get him to propose?
• How do I get him back?
• My man is cheating. How do I save our relationship?

Whenever I read about a woman's heartache when she has found out that her husband/boyfriend/partner is cheating on her but she can't give up on him or the relationship, I feel my heart go out to her.  Being cheated on is one of the most painful, humiliating, and heartrending experiences we can have in a relationship.  But what should we do when it happens to us?

My gut instinct is always to go with Greg Behrendt's advice:

"He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else." (He's Just Not That Into You p. 73)

If you haven't got a copy of Greg's book, He's Just Not That Into You, I highly recommend it.  Among Greg's other pearls of wisdom are:

"100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone." (p. 83)

"If something is wrong in a relationship, here's a bright, mature idea: talk about it.  Don't let any man blame you for their infidelity.  Ever." (p. 78) 

For Greg, it's cut and dried.  Even if your cheating man says that it was an accident, or that he was drunk, or that it was your fault because you weren't filling his needs, take it from Greg: those are excuses.  Dump him and move on. You deserve better.  You deserve someone who's into you.

Yet for many women, Greg's response doesn't seem like a good enough answer  When it comes to relationships, it is hard to see the situation in black and white.  We women excel in seeing shades of gray.  We excel in understanding someone's point of view and overlooking behaviors that should be unacceptable for the sake of our love for our imperfect man.

Unless said behavior happens to someone we care about.  I protect my female friends fiercely.  When they get cheated on, it's out with the jerk and in with someone who cares for her as much as I do.

I've seen female friends cheated on and end up staying with the guy even when the girl he was sleeping with on the side became his new girlfriend, making my friend the woman he's cheating on the new girlfriend with!

Confusing?  Yes.  And when children are involved, the cheating situation becomes much more complicated.  Greg's guide is designed for people who are dating, not married.  What happens if your man cheats on you in the course of your marriage?  Shouldn't you try to save your marriage for your children's sake?

Forgive me for a diversion into evolutionary biology, but according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, human beings are designed to be serially monogamous, with human "pair-bonds" lasting only four years before they naturally end.  Why?  Because four years are necessary for a man and a woman to stay together to raise a human child to the stage where it can survive without the mother being in constant attendance.  At that point, Fisher's theory goes, the craving for sexual variety overcomes the need to stay together.

Infidelity has been a feature of human relationships since the dawn of time.  Keeping a marriage together for 10, 25, even 50 years may be a fight against nature, but that doesn't mean that we're biologically driven to stray.  Culture, environment, upbringing, and so on are equally powerful forces.  A young person raised to value being faithful will find that he or she can easily overcome impulses to cheat because of his or her strong moral stance.

Ultimately, most of us find that all we can rely on when it comes to keeping a man from cheating is the folk wisdom passed down from our grandmothers.  One timeworn theory tells us that to keep our man from straying, all we have to do is give him unlimited:

• food
• sex, and
  
• praise.

Feed him, keep your sex life active and interesting, and stroke his ego with compliments, and your man will be so over the moon that he'll never look elsewhere for companionship.

On one level, this tried-and-true folk wisdom is good – food, sex, and praise are balms for the male spirit – but on another level it feels unfair.  It places the entire burden for a man's fidelity on the shoulders of his partner.  Are we as women to be responsible for keeping our men from straying?  Aren't some men more likely to stray anyway, no matter how perfect their partner?

Personally, I've made my decision.  If a man cheats on me physically or emotionally (since many affairs begin well before they reach physical intimacy), the relationship is over.  I deserve more than that.  As much as I may care for that person, I remind myself of what I am aiming for: the kind of love that endures over a lifetime.  We're not a good match if his eye keeps straying.

And I hold myself to the same standards: I never use the "male attention" trick to spur my partner into being jealous.  Letting my partner know that other men are interested in me in order to keep him keen is a form of manipulation.  It comes from insecurity, not love.

Ultimately, it's up to you.  All of us have the power to interpret infidelity in a different way.  For one person, it may be a betrayal of the relationship.  For another person it may be an all-too-human mistake.  For another person it may be the ultimate form of rejection.

But be aware that you have a choice. What will you accept?

A lot of women have asked me recently what I thought of Christian Carter’s book, Catch Him and Keep Him.  Should they buy it?  What was it like?  Is he cute?

Let me answer the most important question first: yes, Christian Carter is cute!  He’s fair-haired and good-looking in that sunkissed California kind of way.  For any of you who’ve seen his DVD series on "Natural and Lasting Attraction," you’ll know what I mean.

He’s a genuinely great guy who also happens to be a great catch.  He’s the kind of guy that you imagine would have been nice to the girls who liked him in school, even if he didn’t like them back.  This guy has his life sorted, amazing women around him, and an enormous heart that’s truly concerned about why women out there aren’t getting the relationships they want.

On to the next question: what is the book like?

It’s an inside look into how men think, from the perspective of a good-looking guy who’s been there, done that.

I find the maleness of the book overwhelming.  This isn’t written by a fatherly counselor or a gay best guy friend: Christian Carter is very much in touch with his masculinity, and he pulls no punches.  He tells you what guys are like: the bare bald facts that most of us don’t want to hear.

In our hearts, I think many of us wish that men could be more like women.  We wish that men could enjoy talking about their feelings more, could give up their addictions to toys and start getting hooked on family, even enjoy shopping with us more than a few times a year.

According to Christian, that sort of thinking has to stop.  Men live in a different reality, and it is our job as women to understand where men are coming from without judgement. 

In order to assist you with sorting the wheat from the chaff, Christian gives you a valuable taxonomy of the kinds of guys out there who’ll steal your heart.  Learn how to recognize a Player and the motives that drive them to play with hearts.  Find yourself challenged to consider why you’re attracted to strong, dominant unavailable men and bad boys … exactly the sort of men who will not make good relationship material.

One of Christian’s central themes is the importance of understanding your emotional responses and acting on them appropriately.  He challenges women to look at how flimsy their intuitive sense of a "connection" with a man really is: e.g., while the woman is sure he’s "the One" and planning their wedding invitations after the first date, he’s just thinking what a great gal she is and how great the sex will be.  Christian injects a note of reality:

"You’d be crazy to take the close relationship and love you want to find and gamble it away by betting on a guy whose greatest qualification is that he makes you feel attracted to him." (p.33) 

Christian challenges you to be realistic about your expectations and assess your "emotional fitness."  Do you take responsibility for your life, or do you play the victim?  Are you a "cool girl" or a "hysterical woman"?  His list of Cool Girl Do’s and Don’ts struck home.  He’s right on the money about the kind of girl guys think is a great catch.

He spends a great deal of time detailing the difference between the kind of girl guys see as casual hookups and the kind of girl that men will view as long-term relationship material.  Girls, if you let yourself get walked all over by guys and sleep with them in hopes that your sexual intimacy will lead to emotional intimacy, you need to read this.

Finally, the question is: should you buy Christian Carter’s book?

I would give it my thumbs-up for one reason in particular: the fantastic "Interviews with Dating & Relationships Experts" CDs included free as a bonus with the Catch Him and Keep Him e-book.

Why?  Well, I’ve read a lot of dating books.  I prefer the hard science of Helen Fisher or the psychological insight of Harville Hendrix, both Ph.D.s in their respective fields.  Yet for an e-book, Christian Carter’s publication stands out: Catch Him and Keep Him is professional, well-written, and great value for money (it’s 183 pages).

What Christian Carter’s package does offer that other hardcopy books don’t is an amazing set of audio CDs in which Christian interviews dating and relationship experts and asks them the most common questions women have.  The audio experience adds a dimension to the information that you can’t get from a book.  And you get a month’s subscription to the CD series FREE when you buy Catch Him and Keep Him.

So if you’re keen to learn more, visit the Catch Him and Keep Him website here.

My colleague Andrew sent me this joke, and it was illustrated the differences between the sexes so aptly that I had to laugh and share it with you!  Enjoy.

___________________________
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.

Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

_________________________
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a  pile on the floor.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the  "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

 

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE!!!

Today is the fifth anniversary of September 11.  It's a date that needs no identification.  Like the assassination of President Kennedy, it has marked a generation and defined the young 21st century.

It goes without saying that today should be a day of remembrance.  As you go about your day – getting breakfast made, commuting to work, picking up the kids from school – I hope you find time for a moment of silence.

Even as all of us search for love, it's important to remember that all we have in life is the present moment.  Even as you search for Mr. Right, life holds no guarantee that you'll be able to keep him forever.

If you have a man in your life right now, enjoy him.  Enjoy every evening you spend together.  Enjoy the silly conversations and the easy way you share the details of your day.  In the midst of reminding him to get the groceries or arranging your weekend plans, give him a hug and thank him for being in your life.  You're lucky to have him, just as he's lucky to have you.

There's a fantastic story in the New York Metro about the 9/11 widows and how they've accepted the challenge of moving on with their lives.  For those of us who've had to confront life after the loss of a partner – whether through death, divorce, or a breakup – the widows' grief reminds us of the stages of grieving and the mental tricks the mind will play to keep from having to confront the ugly reality of life without our beloved.  The way the widows came together to support one another in groups like the GW ("Grieving Widows") reminds us how deeply we can rely on our female friends and family members to understand what we're going through and offer us their ears to listen and shoulders to lean on.  And the widows' resilience as they began laughing again, vacationing again, and – yes- dating and loving again, reminds us that we don't have to carry our grief with us forever.  Even though you may have loved your previous partner beyond belief, you honor him most by taking that fierce, deep love and sharing it with others.

According to Dr. Judy of the New York Daily News, the meaning of 9/11 is greater than tragedy: it's also about reminding ourselves what's important and finding new resolve to connect with our loved ones.  She believes that, "like a wedding anniversary, birth of a child or death of a loved one, September 11 is a 'marker' date that can serve as a turning point to turn your life – and your relationship – around."

Life is too precious – as is love – to live each day on autopilot, repeating the same old patterns and having the same old arguments.

If you're seeking a way to honor those who died in 9/11 in a way that reflects the lessons learned in the five years since it happened, then might I suggest that you think of one person in your life whom you've been unable to forgive, and give them a call?

Forgiveness frees us.  In forgiveness, you let go of the baggage that keeps poisoning the present.  Forgiveness – of ourselves as well as others – allows us to move on.

And that, ultimately, is the best way to honor the dead: to appreciate, respect, and honor the gift of life.

I want to thank Lauren for sending in this question:

"I have read all of your articles everytime you sent to me. Thanks for keep on reminding us don't think that all guys are look after sex. But I have had many experience that to prove that they are really all look after sex, they don't even know what true love is all about. Can you help me to overcome this?"

As a woman, this is one of the biggest challenges you will face in relationships: negotiating a man's desire for sex with your desire for the "something more" of true love.

Yes, all men want is sex.  Let's get that fact out into the open.  Men are wired to have a super-high sex drive in comparison to women.  According to Barbara and Allen Pease's book, Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, the human sex center has a specific location in the brain (the hypothalamus) and can be weighed and measured.  Lo and behold, the part of the brain responsible for sex drive is larger in men than in women.  Added to the fact that men have 10 to 20 times more testosterone (a hormone responsible for stimulating the sex drive) than women, it's easy to see why over half of all men think about sex every day or several times a day (Source: Sex in America).

One commonly-given reason for the high male sex drive emerges from the cloudy history of human evolution, in which the aim of our ancestors was to procreate and ensure the survival of the species.  Men were driven by a biological imperative to spread their seed far and wide.  Women, on the other hand, knowing that they would need a supportive partner during the years it takes to raise a human infant to adulthood, tended to hold off casual sex in order to search for commitment.

So that's the science, but what does it mean for us?  Knowing the "why" and "how" of the human sex drive doesn't help us much when it comes to interpreting our experiences today.  Yes, men may have a higher sex drive, but they live in a modern world where culture privileges monogamy.

Here's one hopeful fact: the male sex drive peaks at age 19, while the female sex drive doesn't peak until age 36 to 38.  Could it be that if we just wait long enough, we'll meet a man more interested in love than sex?  Or will we be the ones at that point wanting sex more than love (e.g. Desperate Housewife syndrome)?  Here's what Barbara and Allen Pease have to say about such "December-May" pairings:

"A man's sexual performance level at age 19 is more compatible with a woman in her late 30s to early 40s … [while] the sex drive of a man in his 40s is compatible with a woman in her early 20s….  There is usually around a 20-year age difference between these older/younger combinations." (p.194)

Yikes, but I don't want to date a man 20 years older (or younger).  So what am I supposed to do?

Here's the answer.

1. Don't expect a young man to be as interested in monogamy as you are.  In his late teens and early twenties, it will take a special man to be less interested in sowing his oats than in having sex with the same woman for the rest of his life.
2. Respect your man's sex drive.  If your man told you that PMS was all in your head and that you shouldn't have wild mood swings/cravings/cramps, you would tell him he didn't know what he was talking about, wouldn't you?  Well, just as hormones can cause you to go a bit batty, so his hormones can control him at times.  Understand that his sex drive is part of his biology and not an indicator of immorality or licentiousness.  Women are not the "purer" sex because we have a smaller hypothalamus and lower levels of testosterone.
3. Realize that his sex drive does not define him.  This, I think, is the most crucial fact of all: your man is more than his sex drive.  I love what Alexandra Penney has to say about this is her book How to Keep Your Man Monogamous:

"A woman must recognize that her mate is part boy, part adolescent, part man.  The boy in him wants to know that she really cares for him and his well-being.  The adolescent wants to know that he's the object of her whole sexuality; the mature man wants to know that she's proud of him, approves of him." (p.90)

Understand and respect your man's sex drive, but if he is truly a man (and not a boy), he'll have a focus and a purpose in life.  He'll want to advance in his career and contribute to his community.  He'll appreciate the stability of a partner who supports, respects, and challenges him in his journey through life.  He may even find that he desires the respect and status that marriage can give him.

As you begin to attract higher-quality men, you'll find that these men are about much more than sex.  In fact, highly successful men in business learn how to channel their sex drive into their pursuits and passions.  (Napoleon Hill's seminal book on achieving success Think and Grow Rich, encourages men to do just this.)

As long as you keep these concepts in mind – that younger men are the least likely to be interested in monogamy, that your man's sex drive is part of who he is but does not define him, and that a man who hasn't learned to "transmute" his sex drive into other forms of achievement may remain at a lower level of growth – then you'll be able to make honest, informed decisions about whether a man is a suitable candidate for a long-term, monogamous partnership.

Quick … find the closest mirror to you and take a quick glance.  What do you see?

Did you see the blemishes in your beauty routine?  Did your makeup need freshening up?  Was your hair out of sorts?

Were you smiling?

All of us have a habitual expression.  It's the expression our face falls into when we are absorbed in a task.  When you are washing dishes, watching television, or even reading your computer screen, your face is composed in a particular expression that is unique to you.

It is very hard for us to actually see that expression.  When we look at ourselves in the mirror, we tend to focus on particular parts of our face, usually the lips, eyes, general skin condition, and hair.  I don't know many women who won't glance in a mirror on a trip to the bathroom to check that their lipstick, eyemakeup, powder, and hair is in order.

What we don't realize is that the most important aspect of our face isn't our makeup.  It's our expression.

When you are tired, no amount of makeup can make your eyes look bright and lively.
When you are sad, no amount of lipgloss can make your lips turn up in a happy picture-perfect bow.
When you are stressed, no amount of foundation can keep the worried wrinkles from showing through.

The powers of makeup are extraordinary, but they can't make us look happy, well-rested, and relaxed if we're tired, stressed, and unhappy.

So take a look in the mirror again.  This time, ask yourself…

Do you look happy? 

Looking happy will make you more beautiful than all the beauty routines in the world.

The times when a woman is most radiant, such as on her wedding day, or when she is about to become a mother, are those times when she is most blissfully happy.

When I think back on the times that men have told me that I am beautiful, it is often when I least expect it, in those moments that we have shared some intimacy and I am completely content and happy to be with him.

When you're happy, you glow.  It's a glow that can't be replicated by makeup, facials, or a summer tan.

To look for evidence of how our inner state affects our facial expressions, look no further than your fellow commuters as you travel to work in the morning.  As I walk through the inner city, I often am amused at how easily I can tell who is looking forward to a good day and who is not.  Those who are in a hurry, with heads down and faces grim, don't invite a second glance.  It is those women sashaying to work, as though on a fantasy catwalk, who draw the eye.  When I see a woman with her head up and a smile on her face, I smile back at her involuntarily and take a second look, trying to guess the reason for her good spirits.

So before you invest in that next beauty treatment, try something new: a beauty treatment for the soul.  Spend some time doing something that makes you feel more peaceful, happier, and more fulfilled.  A walk in a park, a few moments spent sitting quietly in a church, a good deed done for someone, a message read in an inspiring book … there are so many ways that we can beautify the spirit.

Because ultimately your face will change into a wrinkled version of itself, and age will wipe clear those beautiful features that you so carefully drew attention to.  But the beauty that comes from a soul-level peace and joy with life will continue to radiate.

And the next time you look in the mirror, don't feel too fussed about the state of your hair or makeup.  Instead, ask yourself if you look happy, rested, peaceful and content.

I hope your answer will usually be yes.

Okay, let's take a survey…

Hands up if you've ever gotten mad at your man?

Hands up if you've ever found it fun to get mad at your man?

Hands up if you've started to find it really easy to get mad at your man?

Now, before we analyze those results, I'm going to tell you a little story.

When I was a teenager, I had a really great guy friend that I used to hang out with all the time.  We played video games together, watched movies together, and went to one another's houses for holidays.  When I got irritated at him, he didn't take me seriously at all.  He turned it into a joke.  He'd make fun of me and poke me until I laughed again.

Then one summer I discovered the power of getting mad.

I don't remember why I got angry at him … but for the first time, he didn't laugh.  He got upset, shut down, and went home without another word.  I felt half-horrified, half-fascinated.  I still felt like I had every right to be mad at him, but instead of playing the game he'd taken my shot right in the face.

Sometime, getting mad can be fun.  Othertimes, it can kill a relationship.  And you don't always know which is which.

I've seen too many long-term relationships where the wife will scream and yell at her husband, doing the only thing she knows to make him understand how she feels, while the husband just gets quieter and thin-lipped and ends up storming out of the house or retreating emotionally.

Throwing a fit never helps things, but it can feel sooo good.

Often our men hate facing conflict.  They will do anything to avoid having to face the fact that someone's feelings were hurt or that a mistake was made.  As a result, they don't want to talk about problems.  The only way we feel that we can get through to them is to throw a fit.  Even if they don't end up hearing us, at least we feel better afterwards.

Getting mad at your man can become a habit.  Every time he does anything annoying, or forgets something, or acts insensitively, it can feel oh-so-tempting just to let loose.

Although it can feel fantastic to let our emotions rip, very few of us realize how our habit of "getting mad" is actually less endearing than destructive.

I fully admit that I give into my emotions.  When I feel something, I need to express it rather than hold it in.

But when is it okay to get mad?  When is it okay to throw a tantrum simply because we need to feel heard?

According to clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler, the answer is never.

It's never okay to get mad at your partner.  It's never okay to yell, or throw things, or call him names.  It's never okay to blame him for every time he's been late for a date with you or every time he's forgotten a special occasion.

When I heard that advice for the first time, I was amazed.  But what do you do if you can't get mad at someone?  How do you show your partner that you felt hurt?  Isn't all that anger harmful if you keep it inside?

Learning how to express yourself in a healthy way when you're angry may be one of the most important lessons you ever learn when it comes to keeping your man's love and respect.

Here are some suggestions for what to do when you're about to get mad:

1. Get some perspective.  Is it really such a big deal that he was 15 minutes late?  Is it really such a big deal that you'd planned something together that you were really looking forward to and he canceled?  How much does this matter to your relationship?  Can you laugh at this? 
2. Deal with the situation at hand.  Don't bring up the past (e.g., every time he's done this before) or the future.  Keep yourself focused on this specific event.
3. Express your feelings completely. If you don't tell him how you feel, you'll become resentful and bitter.  Make sure that you tell him how his actions made you feel in a way that's non-accusatory and non-confrontational.  Remember that it's not about what he did – it's about how you felt about it.
4. Care about his point of view.  Don't have a shouting match where you're trying to drown one another out.  The problem with most arguments is that each side is focused on what they're going to say, not on understanding the other person's point of view or resolving the conflict.  Maybe he was just as upset as you were when he had to cancel your special date night; maybe he sped to get home on time and sat cursing at the stoplights, knowing he was going to be late.  You don't know.  Give him space to tell you.
5. Give up being right and get closer.  When you're focused on being right, your relationship loses.  Don't hold the pain of being hurt so tightly to you that it forms a barrier between you and your partner.  Allow him to make amends, and allow yourself to forgive.  You know when your partner's heart is genuinely in the right place.

These techniques will not only help you forge an amazing connection with your partner; they'll also help you with life.

As anyone in management can tell you, blowing up and blaming others and nursing hurt feelings are actions that break teams apart.  For a team (like a relationship) to succeed, people have to be willing to cool down, talk things through, and accept decisions made for the sake of the team rather than the individual.

The great thing in a relationship is that there are only two of you with needs to balance.  For some, that's one too many.

If you want an okay relationship, go ahead and experience the pleasure of getting angry and making up.  But if you want a relationship to last a lifetime, learn healthier ways to get mad – and give up getting even.

Sometimes it is easy to find a man that meets our criteria for being a suitable marriage partner.  We can convince ourselves that he is perfect for us simply by his qualifications on paper: handsome, wealthy, honorable … and, of course, highly interested in wooing us.  What can we do to not mess it up?

Today's question from a reader tackles this very issue.

I'm 33 years old, beautiful, and always attract men.  I'm divorced and have a daughter.  The problem is all the men I know are not serious.  I mean they don't want any kind of commitment.  Lately I have met a guy and as usual he likes me sooooo much. He is as old as me, successful, he has a very very strong character and he is very rich.  I'm trying to follow some of your rules of not being so available.  How can I marry him?….help me please I think it is my last chance.

Name Withheld, Saudi Arabia

This is such a wonderful question, especially because it reveals the challenge of turning attraction into a committed relationship.

Women who don't believe they're particularly gifted in beauty or charm often despair of ever "capturing" a man to marry.  They believe that it is their lack of skills that keeps them from getting the man they desire.  Yet what they don't realize is that all women – even women who are gifted with beauty, charm, and attractiveness – feel self-doubt when faced with an attraction that they want to transform into marriage.

Making the decision that you want to marry someone is no light matter.  Often we are more in love with the idea of marriage than with the person we want to marry.  For example, in an article in the Washington Post ("How cell phones changed courting in Saudi Arabia," Kevin Sullivan, August 13, 2006), a young Saudi man explains:

"It's really rare to meet girls here in Saudi Arabia …  And to feel great in this country, you have to be married. We all want to be married. It makes you comfortable, it makes you happy. I want to be in love."

Those are a lot of expectations to place on marriage.  Yet we often make them unthinkingly.  We believe that marriage (like more money, or a better figure, or more expensive clothes) will make our lives better than ever before. 

Leaving aside for a moment the issue of whether or not marriage can make life better, be aware that marriage-minded women often turn off men.  Why?  Because the man can sense that the only thing the woman wants is a diamond ring.  Some men use this expectation to their advantage and lead you on with the promise of a proposal until they've had all they wanted of you.  Other men feel pressured or used and end the relationship.  They prefer to be with a woman who's truly into them rather than their status or potential as a husband.

Worst of all, the minute you turn away from the pleasure of courtship into the expectation of a proposal, you hinge your happiness on whether or not he marries you.  You stop being happy with your interactions such as they are.  You forget to focus on what should be the most important thing for you during the courtship phase: whether or not he's right for you. 

A man can never be right for you "on paper" alone.  No matter how wealthy, successful, or compatible he is, if he doesn't make you feel fantastic when you're with him, then he's not right.

Any man can behave like a perfect gentleman during the courtship phase.  That's why I recommend knowing a man for a while before plunging into marriage.  The more comfortable he becomes around you, the more he'll show his true colors.  It is this real man that you want to get to know.  Remember that you have a lifetime of happiness or unhappiness at stake.  If you choose a marriage partner based on admirable qualities alone – rather than how he makes you feel – you may end up in an empty marriage where you both respect and care for another but do not truly love one another.

So why you want to marry this man?  Is it because of how he makes you feel, or is it because he's such a catch?

Any decision made from a place of lacking (e.g., "This is my last chance," "I'll never meet someone like him again," "I'm getting older and need to get married now") is likely to backfire.  If you want to marry a man because you think that it's your last chance at love, pull back.  Take a good hard look at him.  Take a good hard look at yourself.  Ask yourself if this man can add anything to your life, or whether he's simply filling a hole.

Once you've found the right man, the man who adds so much to your life that your joy is overflowing, the man that you know you want to spend the rest of your life with, you can be overcome by your wanting.  Normally you're perfectly able to play cool and let things develop, but – you think – this man is special.  I can't lose him.  All those characteristics that worked on men in the past may not work on this man.  How can I prevent the unthinkable: the loss of his interest?

Here are some techniques that I've found to be successful.

1. Let him set the pace of the relationship.  As women we have a tendency to want to push everything faster and faster until we reach our wedding day.  But if you make a vow to yourself to go at his pace, you never push him further than he's willing to go.  This may even mean holding off talking about your feelings or teling him that you love him before he introduces the subject.  But one thing that I learned from Greg Behrendt (author of He's Just Not That Into You) is that when a man is truly interested in you, he'll have marriage on his mind.  If he's not proposing according to your timetable, or if you suspect that he enjoys the situation too much as it is to want to marry you, then thank him politely and lovingly for the time you have shared together, let him know that you're seeking a husband rather than a boyfriend, and move on.  Losing you may be the kick-in-the-pants that he needs to confess his love.  But if he doesn't come running after you, then you know that he wasn't that into you.  It's really that simple.  (Although, admittedly, it can be terribly hard to accept.)
2. Enjoy being with him.  I know it sounds obvious.  But the one thing that men want to know is that they will enjoy a woman's company for the rest of their lives.  If you are often unhappy, aloof, or complaining around him, he may feel the interest of pursuit, but he won't be as keen on marriage.
3. Keep cultivating your own life.  Never drop your own activities for him.  If you move to accommodate him in everything, he'll see you as a doormat with no life of your own.  Don't be afraid to turn him down a time or two if you have other things going on.  Cultivating new hobbies or attending exciting social events will give you something to talk about with him when you meet.
4. Listen to the hidden messages.  Men aren't good at hiding what they're thinking … at least, not in a way that any aware woman can't read!  The problem is that many of us only hear what we want to hear.  Listen to his hidden messages.  He may be telling you through his chance comments, gestures, or behaviors that he's not ready for a relationship – or he may be telling you that he's interested in you purely because you seem unavailable and therefore a challenge.  Hone your ability to read his intentions, and don't lie to yourself.  Better that this man passes you by than that you're locked into a relationship with a man who can't reciprocate your love.

All the best to you, and remember that you will have a wonderful and fulfilling life whether or not you marry this man.  It's up to you to stake your happiness on the chance of a future with him or make your own happiness now in the present.

I've discovered a pretty funny thing in my time here on Earth.  Maybe it only applies to me, but it's certainly been proven true in my experience.

• The more I think about how much I want something, the less likely I am to get it.
• The more I focus on the process of getting something (without thinking too much about the object of my goal), the greater chance I have of getting it.

Case in point:

I'm looking for a home.  After much hunting, I found the perfect place – a 10 out of 10 in my scale of perfect homes – perfect price, perfect location, and perfect size.  I wanted the place sooo badly.  I put an offer in, but someone else wanted that perfect place, too.  When the dust settled, the other person's offer was accepted.

How do you think I felt?  How would YOU feel?

Sad? Angry? As if the world was unjust?  As if you'd missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and would never find anything that perfect again?

Or would you feel acceptance, knowing that you did everything you possibly could and that this was simply the way things turned out?

I don't think that any of us are really good at accepting that we aren't going to get something we desperately want.  When it comes to things we really, REALLY desire, it's hard to be philosophical about the matter.  Friends say kindly, "If it didn't happen, then it just wasn't meant to be."  Others tell us to look at it as a learning experience: "Look how much you know now!"  Still others might say, "There was probably something wrong with it anyway, so it's best that you didn't get it."

Do any of these mindset ring true when it comes to your dating experiences?

If there's a man you really, REALLY like, how do you react when it appears that he doesn't feel the same way?  Are you philosophical about it, or do you focus on the pain of not getting what you wanted?

If you really, REALLY want to find a man and get married, how do you feel when it seems like every man you date turns out to be a dud?  Do you feel discouraged and decide that fate is telling you that you're never going to get a man, or do you feel like you're getting somewhere by learning something new from each experience?

I'm not saying that you have to be a Pollyanna.  What I am saying is that there's more than one way to look at every situation, and some of those ways make life a lot more fun and enjoyable than others.

It seems to me that the mindset you adopt when you try to achieve your goals matters as much as your actions.  When you do anything from a place of wanting, you can jinx yourself.  In your blind pursuit of what you want, you can miss something important, such as a clue telling you that what you want isn't actually what's best for you at all.  You end up focusing on the object of your desire so much that your wanting grows out of proportion.

For example, have you ever "kind of" liked a guy, but then after talking about how cute and smart and funny he was with friends and family, you suddenly decided that you HAD to have him and that your life wouldn't be worth anything unless he noticed you?

I've known students who've focused so much on how MUCH they want to get into a particular university that they erased from their minds any possibility that they might not get in.  Rather than remaining realistic, asking a lot of questions, and getting an honest assessment of their chances from the recruitment officer, these students assume that the magnitude of their desire would be enough.  When the university sends them a rejection letter, they can't believe it.  "But I really, REALLY want to go there! Why won't they let me in?  Don't they know how much I want to go there?"

Do you see where I'm going with this?  Of course you do.

Really, REALLY wanting something (a boyfriend, a man, a husband) isn't going to do you any good when it comes to actually getting yourself one.

Just because you want a man doesn't mean that you'll get one "just because," any more than you'll lose weight by thinking how much you want to lose weight.

Focus on what you need to do to get the results you want.  Then do it.

If you want a man, then think about the steps you need to take to meet more attractive, available men.  Make a plan.  DO SOMETHING.  Don't just lie alone in your bed at night and dream of a fantasy man or hate yourself because you're still alone.

Focus on what you need to do.  Focus on what you CAN do.  If it's unrealistic for you to buy designer clothes and hit the town every weekend, then don't waste time imagining how those activities would really bring you the man you want.

If there's a particular guy who's caught your eye, then spend less time gazing at him from a safe distance, talking to all your girlfriends about him, and more time getting to know him and creating that first connection (withOUT tripping yourself up by thoughts of what it would be like to be his girlfriend).

Easier said than done, I know. 

When the dust settles, all that matters is that you're able to honestly tell yourself, "I did my best."

And you can be sad afterwards.  I was.  You can wonder briefly if you'll never be able to find the perfect place (or man).  But don't wallow in those thoughts.  You can spend your time in better ways.

Like deciding what you're going to do next. 

Whew … what a day at 000Relationships.com!  We finally launched the 2006 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men."  I've put my heart and soul into it, and I truly believe that today marks the day when women are finally going to have the chance to take a course that respects them as women, that empowers them, and that achieves more than just getting men to dance at their heels – a course that teaches women to get the kind of love they've always dreamed about.

After working with Sarah for the past six months, I've seen women being happiest when they've found a man who really loves them for who they are inside, at the soul level.  It can be fun to play the dating game and learn how to press men's buttons.  They're so easy to infatuate!  But ultimately, knowing how to get a man trailing after you feels like a hollow sort of victory.  What I want, and what I think so many of us want, is the kind of great love that endures time and tests.  Being able to conquer a playboy is fun but not really satisfying for me.  I want to be a gray-haired lady someday with my gray-haired husband, both of us swinging in a rocking chair and watching the sunset.

The problem is that most dating & seduction courses will teach you the basics of flirting, dressing, and being "light and breezy" to attract a man.  Of course those things attract men!  But what happens if you want more than that?  What if you want to attract higher quality men, the kind of men who know the game is played and won't have any of it?  What if you want to re-ignite the fire between you and the partner you currently have?  All the first date advice in the world won't help you that much!

That's why we created the 2006 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men," available now at www.000relationships.com/tomen.  It's a 2-hour video course, broken into 12 lessons on important topics that will utterly transform how you look at relationships.  I'm so proud of the workbook, too, that I wrote to accompany the lessons.  It's got reviews of the key concepts, exercises, and recommended reading lists.

Honestly, this stuff could change your life.  Even if you've bought all the other e-books out there on dating and relationships, you've just scratched the surface.  I'm amazed at what we managed to create.

So go ahead!  Check it out!  The wonderful thing is that we're able to offer a 60-day no-questions-asked moneyback guarantee, so even if you think that it's not something you'd really be interested in, give it a try!  If it doesn't transform your thinking on dating and relationships, email me.  I'll give you a refund immediately.

I just really, really want every woman out there who can try this course to do so.  We need more love in the world!  We women deserve more than relationships where we have to play games to feel like we've earned male attention.  We deserve to be happy with men who truly love us, and that's what my course will teach you to get.

So thanks for supporting us here at 000Relationships.com through this long "birthing" process of the new edition, and don't forget to check it out!   Again, it's at:

www.000relationships.com/tomen