Is time running out for us?

So many women I talk to, no matter how young they are, have the sense of a ticking hourglass.  They feel, deep inside, that if they don't find the right man soon to marry and settle down, the bloom of their youth will have passed and all the single men will have been taken.

It is such a deep rooted fear for all of us.  In the most primal regions of our hearts, we believe that we will die if we don't find love.

It is only very recent in human history that men and women have been able to live alone.  In indigenous societies, complementary male and female roles are vital for survival.  Without a man to hunt, there is no food.  Without a woman to tend to the home, there is no safe place to return to.  A woman with no man has to rely on the goodwill of others to survive.

Even though we now eat take-out instead of deer, come home to houses instead of shelters, and wash our clothes with machines instead of river rocks, we are not that far removed from our ancestors.  Thousands of years of human history cannot be overwritten in a few generations.  We were meant to pair up.  It is such a strong conviction that mere sexual need cannot explain it.

For most of us today, marriage is a choice.  We make a living on our own without much difficulty.  We don't need men.  As a result, we can afford to be picky.  We can afford to wait until the perfect partner comes along.

Yet we still feel that ticking clock.  We feel the need to find love and partner with someone.  Even though marriage is a choice, even though the divorce rates are sky-high, we STILL get married in overwhelming numbers.  Most of us will marry at least once during our lifetime.

We need marriage.  Though some believe that marriage is merely a way to rein in promiscuous behavior and control reproduction, it is too widespread as a human behavior (in nearly all societies across history) to be merely a method of social control.

Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, believes that marriage has a crucial part to play in modern society.  Through marriage, he believes, we heal one another.  No other relationship teaches us so much about ourselves and being better human beings.  Commitment is not constriction or constraint: rather, it disciplines us to resolve our conflicts, express ourselves freely without fear of rejection, and increases intimacy beyond what is possible in a de facto relationship.

As much as we'd like to believe that we can live without men, we know we can't.  Masculine energy balances us.  Men need us to love them; we need them to love.

One of men's deep-seated fears is that women will decide they no longer need men.  Men cannot survive without women.  In fact, marriage is so healthy for men that they will live longer, stay healthier, and even earn more money as a husband than as a bachelor.

Men adore women who fully and warm-heartedly admit that they need men.  Although "needy" has become a dirty word, too many of us are tempted to the other extreme.  We try to be so independent that we don't leave the smallest space for a man in our lives.  When we do date, we suppress our needs so that we appear as un-needy as possible.  As a result, the men in our lives feel emasculated.  They feel that they can do nothing for us that we can't do for ourselves.  In many cases, they end up leaving us for a woman who is much more childlike and needy for his affections.

Can you admit to yourself that you need men without feeling ashamed or embarrassed?  I am not asking you to admit that you need "a man" — just that you need men.  It's not hard.  Yet it's amazing how that admission brings such a feeling of shame to the modern woman.

I love men.  I love them as friends and colleagues, as boys and old men, as strangers and lovers.  I am glad that men share our world with us.  Aren't you?

Last Saturday, I went to a birthday party for a friend.  It was in a lovely house in a quiet cul-de-sac in the outermost suburb, the sort of peaceful environment that you'd imagine full of kids and dogs, wine and dinner parties, healthy living and marital bliss.

As the guests arrived, I stood and shook hands, realizing that I was woefully underdressed in a tight pink tee and biker jacket.  I'd expected the party to be about jeans and t-shirts, but instead it was all slacks and conservatively cut skirts.  I sipped my red wine and convinced myself that the difference meant I was cool.

My friend's brother was there with his new wife.  I'd met him briefly a few months ago.  He wore spectacles and a goatee that seemed at odds with his effeminate blond hair.  He was skinny and wore rumpled clothes, as if his mother still dressed him.

His new wife was lovely.  She was in her early twenties with brown hair streaked with blond highlights.  She wore a camel skirt with a brown cardigan, soft and expensively cut.  If I hadn't known what she did, I would have taken her for an office administrator from her efficient manner, prim horn-rimmed glasses, and lingering perfume of command.

She sat herself properly on the floor by her brother-in-law and addressed herself to me.  "You're from the United States?"

"Yes," I said.

"I'm going there next fall."  It was a statement, the emphasis falling perceptibly on the I.

I knew what she wanted me to ask next.  I complied politely.  "Where are you going?"

"Chicago.  I have familiy there.  Then we're going to Prince Albert Island in Canada."

In every statement she spoke, she stressed the I and the we.  I was supposed to be impressed, I knew.  She then spent the next fifteen minutes telling me everything they were going to do.  It was all about her and her family and the epic nature of the journey.

After she went to the kitchen to pour herself a drink, my escort (who'd never met any of these people before) turned to me and whispered, "Do you like her?"

I shook my head wordlessly.

Have you met people like that before?  People who are so afraid that you won't notice them that they have to insert themselves into every conversation?

She wasn't consciously being rude.  There was a lot more going on behind the surface.

She was a woman with a fear of being invisible.  Unless she made sure that people noticed her, she feared that no one would pay any attention to her.  And that fear was kept well-fed by her partner, who kept shushing her when she was talking or telling her to sit down when she was dancing, telling her that she was making a fool of herself.

Before they got married, her partner gave her a Valentine's Day card that said,

You may think you're fat and ugly,
but I love you anyway.

She didn't take offense, or if she did she merely accepted it.

Because her partner didn't accept her, didn't see her, and didn't listen to her, she reached out in the only way she knew.  She became the person who always makes every conversation about herself, who speaks a little too loud and a little too shrill, and who displays no genuine interest in other people.

Unless you get the love you need at home, you take that need into all your social encounters.  She was crying out to be noticed, and not even her own husband noticed her.  He rarely gave her physical comfort or the benefit of his full, undivided attention.  To him she was the child.  So, like a child, she grew used to making a scene until someone noticed her discomfort.

I know so many women in a similar situation.  Some women deal with their invisibility better than others.  Others simply accept what their husbands tell them and fade away.  Luckily for her, she was fighting back, even though her tools were less than adequate.

We all deserve to be noticed without having to fight for attention.

Last weekend, my colleague Andrew (co-author of Save My Marriage Today!) and I had a fabulous night out at a local hotspot, the Mexican Cafe.  We were attending a mutual friend's birthday party, and we got into the Mexican spirit by trying on some hats.

Sometimes it is great to simply act silly and make fun of oneself!  Especially when there's a digital camera around.

I just got my first digital camera five months ago.  Before then, I'd always envied my friends who could whip out their cameras and take a photo at any opportunity.  I was using my film camera less and less as the hassle of dealing with finishing off rolls and taking them in to be developed became too much.  Because I travel often, digital cameras are ideal: digital photos take up no space and can be shared with as many friends as I like.

One lovely woman I know periodically sends inspiring and informative emails to her group of friends, keeping in touch with words and a picture.  At the bottom of her emails, she attaches a picture of herself, usually taken at one of the many events she attends.  Even though she lives across the world, seeing her picture along with her email makes me feel more connected to her.

I've noticed the same phenomenon in internet dating.  Profiles with a picture get many more responses than profiles without a picture.  As the initial emails go back and forth, the profile picture ends up standing in for the real person. When we eventually meet up, if the guy doesn't look exactly like his profile photo (and few do), there's some hesitation and feeling at a loss … even if he's better looking!

Pictures create connections.  I've heard of men who take a digital camera along to all of their dates.  They'll whip out a camera and ask their date to pose with them for a picture.  The act of having one's picture taken with someone else creates a bond.  After the date, these men will email the photos to their date, thanking them for a good time.  If they're lucky, their dates will associate the pictures with a positive experience, one that they'd like to repeat.

Yet pictures aren't all fun and lightness.  The degree of comfort you feel with your picture being taken is a good indication of your degree of body love.  Something about mugging for the camera brings out all of our feelings about our bodies.  Those of us who are embarrassed or uncomfortable about our appearance in some way often shy from the camera, never realizing that the point isn't to take a good photo: it's to simply be in the photo with our friends.  Someday that photo will become an irreplaceable memory.

So take all the pictures you can, while you can, and forget about whether you look silly or are smiling too wide.  Be as unselfconscious as you can, remembering all the time that every click of the camera preserves a memory to be cherished.

A friend recently sent me five simple rules to be happy, and I found them so beautiful that I wanted to share them with you.

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Although these five rules are simple, they can be so difficult to practice.  Take the first rule: to free your heart from hatred.

It can be so hard to release the angry feelings we have when someone we've cared about treats us badly or rejects us rudely.  I know so many women who hang on to angry feelings about their ex-partners.  Every time dates are discussed, the old stories are brought out: reasons not to trust men, the shortcomings all men have, and why being single is better than risking getting hurt again.

By being unable to forgive and let go, these women end up blaming or being suspicious of all men.  In their hearts, they've judged the male race and found them guilty.  Yet buried beneath that hatred is a part of them that wishes their judgment wasn't true: a part of them that longs for harmony and intimacy.

Alison Armstrong from PAX Programs teaches a seminar called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women.  In the seminars, women are asked to make a vow.  No more men-bashing.  No more generalizing about all men on the basis of a few individuals.  No more making sweeping assumptions about "all men."  No more treating men as the enemy.

A friend of mine who frequently attends the PAX seminars told me that the vow is oddly liberating, yet challenging.  She said that she never realized until that day how often she spoke negatively about men.

Think about it.  How often have you said one of the following?

"Men don't have a clue what we women do for them."
"Women have to do everything for men; they're incapable of taking care of themselves."
"All men want is sex."
"Guys are just looking for a good time; they don't care about who they hurt in the process."
"Men are so stupid sometimes."
"Why can't men be more like women?"

When you prepare your heart for happiness, the first step you need to take is to free your heart of all lingering negativity towards men.

Forgive your exes.  No matter what they did to you, it is in the past.  Don't allow them to continue to damage your life by leaving you with a lingering suspicion or distrust of men.  Realize that your exes were simply human; like all humans, men and women alike, they made mistakes.  Forgive them and let it go.

Consider attending one of Alison Armstrong's seminars.  If you can't attend, then at the very least make a promise to yourself: you will stop men-bashing.  Even if a group of your female friends start talking about the 101 ways in which men fall short of perfection, make a vow to yourself that you won't join in.  Men aren't perfect, but neither are women.

As you learn to enjoy the company of men, appreciating the ways in which they are different from women, not holding a grudge against any man, you'll find that something incredible happens.  Men will start seeking out your company.  You'll find strange men striking up conversations with you.  Men can tell when they're in the presence of a woman who loves and appreciates men.  In fact, it's one of the most attractive traits women can have.

And if it makes you happier, why not give it a try? 

My colleague Andrew loves Dr. Phil for his no-nonsense, get-real approach to relationships.  Friday, as I was leaving the office, I passed Andrew's desk.  My attention was caught by a book with a big red heart on the cover and a familiar smiling face.  It was Dr. Phil's Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got.

"Andrew won't notice," I thought, as I picked up the book and slipped it in my bag.  "And I need some weekend reading."

Now, to be completely up front, I am not a Dr. Phil fan.  I feel that Dr. Phil tends to make gross generalizations in his attempt to be "real" with his clients.  Personally, I prefer to empathize with people first, understand them, then encourage them towards a new perspective or way of behaving.  The shock treatment of a cold splash of reality in the face just seems, to me, unnecessarily cruel.

My personal opinion notwithstanding, I was excited to learn what Dr. Phil had to say about relationships.  So, on my commute home that night, I opened the book with anticipation.

A half hour later, I'd had enough.  I put the book down and stowed it carefully in my bag to return to Andrew on Monday.  I didn't even want to look at it again.

What happened?  It all started on page 6.

Dr. Phil tells us that dating is a game, and the only reason any of us is single is because we don't know how to play it.  Let's listen to him in his own words.

Let me start us off by telling you two things that I know for absolute, drop-dead certain.  First: if you do not have what you truly want in a relationship, then you are right, something is seriously wrong.  …[T]he problem is not you.  You are not a bad person…. (pp. 5-6)

Whew, glad we got that out of the way.  So none of us are bad people, but if we're still single (when we wish we weren't), then something is "seriously wrong."  Oh dear.  Never fear: Dr. Phil can fix us.

The second thing I know for absolute, drop-dead certain is that you are not thinking right or playing the game well; otherwise you would have what you want. (p. 6)

So the reason we're not in good relationships is because we're lousy at playing the dating game?

Yep, says Dr. Phil.  In fact, the only reason you're not married right now is because "you apparently don't know how to get in the game or play the game once you do" (p. 6).

I disagree … quite vehemently.

I'll talk about my own beliefs in a moment, but right now let me share the perspective of Dr. Barbara De Angelis.  In her wonderful book, The Real Rules, Dr. De Angelis describes an unhealthy belief that sounds suspiciously like Dr. Phil's.

The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you.  You are the hunter, and he is the prey.  Your goal is to catch him.  But THE OLD RULES say that a man won't naturally want to make a commitment to you–he doesn't want to be caught–so somehow, you have to trick him into it…. (p. 19)

In other words, to get a man, you have to play the game.

Even though Dr. Phil may not agree with the Old Rules (as described in Ellen Fein's and Sherrie Schneider's book The Rules), his language sounds suspiciously Rules-esque.  For example, we learn in Chapter 10 of Love Smart how to "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, Take 'em Home."  True hunter language.

Marriage seems to be the natural culmination of the dating cycle for Dr. Phil.  It's the happy-ever-after ending that is our reward for playing the game well.  In fact, his five-step series of goals to CLAIM what we want includes: envisioning our perfect relationship, finding the perfect person, seducing him, getting him to "want what you want long term" (p. 5), then marrying him and getting "busy being happy!" (p.5). 

Does this match Barbara De Angelis' description of the Old Rules, in which "the goal of a woman's life is to find a man and get married" (p. 11)?  Sounds like it to me.

Barbara De Angelis explains the problem with game-playing beautifully when she says:

Playing games is for women who've been convinced that they aren't intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead must memorize absurd lists of do's and don'ts….  Playing games is stupid, and you're not stupid. (p.39)

So, Dr. Phil, I won't be learning how to play the game better so that I can get the relationship that I can deserve.  Instead, I'll be taking a leaf from Barbara De Angelis' book.  I'll be focusing on learning how to become emotionally generous, being honest (with myself AND others) about my feelings, and remembering that everyone (even men) needs love and reassurance.

As for myself, I believe that the reason that most of us are not in good relationships yet is because we still have some growing and learning to do.  The time isn't yet right.  Forcing things will just hook us up with the wrong men and hold back our own personal growth and development.

This doesn't mean that you should sit back and assume that the universe will bring Mr. Right into your life (though, if you've done your spiritual homework, you've got a very good chance of this happening).  What it does mean is that instead of focusing on how you can get Mr. Right, you should be focusing on how to grow as a person: how to become more open-hearted, loving, and caring to EVERYONE you encounter.

When I focus on becoming a more open, genuine, and loving person, I know that I will naturally draw the right man into my life.  I don't have to worry about it.  I don't have to waste time envisioning, judging, or evaluating men based on my character profile of Mr. Right.  I believe in the law of the universe that states that we attract what we are.  I feel confident knowing that my ability to attract the right men into my life is proof that I am developing my character in the direction that I want to go.

Best of all, because I am not focused on getting a relationship, I have faith that the right relationship will just happen.  Have you ever noticed how the best things happen when you're not looking for them?  If you follow the advice of other dating gurus and focus all your efforts on meeting and interviewing dozens of potential mates in the attempt to find the "right" one, then judge your success on whether you can "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, [and] Take 'em Home," you're almost ensuring that you won't get the best possible relationship that the universe has in store for you.

One of my favorite songs is one by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers," in which he tells the story of meeting his high school sweetheart after many years have passed.  By this time, he is married to another woman.  Yet such is the power of first love that he can still remember how he used to pray to God every night to make this other woman his forever.

At first, it seems that he'll be tempted to reconsider his marriage vows.  Yet as they chat, he realizes that they don't have much in common any more.  He looks at his wife by his side, and such is his gratitude and appreciation for her presence in his life that he thanks God for unanswered prayers.

We don't always know what is best for us.  Sometimes the greatest tragedy is actually a blessing in disguise.  And that, I suppose, is the message that gets lost in Dr. Phil's Love Smart.  Sometimes, the smartest thing you can do with love is to simply allow it to happen as it should.

I got my hair cut last night at my favorite hair salon, the one where all the stylists are quirky over-30s with piercings and a vast knowledge of the latest celeb and local gossip.  As the stylist blowdried my hair with practiced flips of the brush, she told me about a woman who had come in earlier to accompany her teenage daughter for a haircut.  The stylist had asked the daughter, "What sort of style would you like?"  The daughter wouldn't even look up.  Her shoulders were hunched.  She mumbled, "Dunno."  The stylist was surprised; usually, teenagers have a very clear idea of what they want.  There was an awkward silence, which the mother quickly filled.  "She'll have her hair like this and like this."

The stylist shook her head as she was telling the story.  "The mother was a control freak," she said.  "She kept telling me how to cut the girl's hair as I was cutting it.  'I'm a professional,' I told her.  'I've been doing this for 20 years.  I wouldn't presume to tell you how to do your job, so please trust me.'

"She's not the only one like that.  Another woman came in with her husband.  They were both getting haircuts.  She told the stylist exactly how she wanted his hair cut.  She wanted it like Hugh Grant.  Then her husband went off with one stylist, and I started doing her hair.  Once her husband was out of earshot, he told the stylist, 'I really don't want it like that.'   So they compromised with a softer cut.  When the wife saw it, she was furious.  She raised a huge fit. 'I didn't ask for it to be like that!'  'No,' the stylist said, 'but he did.'"

I shook my head.  "So sad.  But it's so common, partners needing to be in control."

The stylist continued.  "I was just thinking, 'So what if he wants a different haircut?  You married him for better or worse, right?  How is his haircut going to harm you, especially if it makes him feel good?'  Women like that end up trying to control everything.  Someday he's going to have enough of it.  Five, ten, fifteen years down the road he's going to say, 'Hold on a minute. What's happened to my life? You're trying to turn me into you.  I'm out of here.'"

I added, "It's that need to change a man.  The fixer-upper attitude."

"Exactly.  And when she can't turn him into the man she wants, she acts like he has let her down.  He gets sick of her nagging and goes off to find someone who appreciates him for who he is."

It was a fantastic conversation for the price of a haircut.  In a hair salon, stylists see a cross-section of the world come and go every day.  They listen to the woes and tribulations of their clients.  Much like bartenders, they get an inside peek at people's lives that few professions have access to.  They see patterns that we can't see, because we're so immersed in the particular details of our own lives.

The stylist had hit on a very important concept.  Women who are used to being in control of their lives often feel as if they're helping their partners by "guiding" or "directing" them.  It can be quite scary to let go and allow their partners to make choices without offering any input or advice.

Beneath a person's need for control is the fear that everything will turn into a mess unless he or she is directly involved.  It is a simple equation.

Fear = Need to control = Lack of trust

And, as we all know, lack of trust in one's partner is poison for a relationship.

Men, in particular, find their wives' direct or indirect attempts to shape them stifling.  To marry, most men have to overcome a natural distaste for giving up independence and being accountable to someone.  When a wife begins to mother him and tell him what he needs to do for his own good, he begins to feel that she's questioning him.  He was good enough for her when they were courting; why isn't he good enough for her now?

One lesson that we can all learn is to let go of our need to control every aspect of our lives.  Let go and allow life to happen.  Don't give in to your fear of not knowing what's going to happen.  Enjoy the unpredictable nature of life and laugh when things don't turn out as you expect.  Learn to accept and love your partner as he is, even when his preferences and opinions are nothing like your own.

Best of all, when you let your partner be himself, make his own decisions without "helpful" suggestions from you, and choose options that you would never have considered, you get the wonderful benefit of a relationship that is surprising, spontaneous, and much more interesting than one controlled down to the dot on every 'i.'  You discover that you're not in a relationship with yourself; you're in a relationship with another human being whose internal world is vastly different from your own, and equally valid.  Because you no longer fear that he'll make the wrong decision, you will be able to relax and trust him in a way that you may have never been able to before.

Love and let go.

Today while I was at the gym, I was suddenly struck with amusement at the thought of how an outsider to our culture would see this.  Here is a room full of scantily attired people puffing and sweating as they work energetically to move plates of metal and run on spinning belts that take them nowhere.  I could just imagine a newcomer to Planet Earth stopping the nearest treadmill runner and asking them, "Don't you realize that you're going nowhere?"

Of course, the point of running on a treadmill isn't to get somewhere.  It's to improve fitness so that we stay healthy despite sedentary lives.

In some ways, I think that studying relationships and dating is a lot like running on a treadmill.  We can learn tons and tons about how to be more attractive, how to carry on a perfect conversation, and how to keep a relationship's fire burning, but we end up in the same place that we started: still single.

"But all these dating books and seminars and experts were supposed to get me a boyfriend!" comes the protest.

But learning about dating and relationships in isolation is just like running on the treadmill at the gym.  Unless you are out and about in real life, actually practicing what you've learned, you are not going to get anywhere.

That doesn't mean that all your research and study is going to waste.  Just as people have to go to school to become doctors or lawyers, so you are learning relationship skills that will serve you well in your future relationships.

I think that it's unfortunate that relationship skills are not taught in school; such skills are just as important for future happiness and success—if not more so—than knowing math and English.

Learn as much as you can about attraction, dating, and relationships, but realize that doing so won't automatically "get" you a man.  That isn't the point, anymore than running on a treadmill will help you reach a destination.

Instead, learn about dating and relationships to become a more fulfilled, healthy, and loving individual.  Do it to become irresistibly attractive in body, mind, and spirit.

But be careful to remember that such attractiveness is dependent on what you invest in yourself for your own sake, not for the sake of a man you hope to attract.

True attractiveness blooms naturally from a woman who is fulfilled, healthy, and loving for her own sake—not for the sake of a man.

So if you feel that sometimes you're spinning your wheels and getting nowhere, just remember that you are making progress.  You're investing in your own emotional fitness.

Like most women, I always thought that becoming more attractive to men was about improving my appearance.  As a teenager I was desperate to lose weight, get the perfect haircut, and wear the styles in the latest magazines.  I wanted boys to pay attention to me, and I knew that the girls to whom they DID pay attention had obvious physical assets.  It wasn't about being smart or interesting or nice: it was about looks.

What I didn't know then is that most boys grow up.  The hormone-driven stage of youth, made anxious by popularity and social validation, creates entirely different creatures than the mature workplace of later years.

Luckily for women, most men seek entirely different characteristics than boys.  They learn to appreciate emotional warmth, depth, and generous loving.  Although they still turn their heads to watch beautiful women pass, they're mature enough to appreciate a beautiful form without having to possess it.

Not all men grow up, of course. 😉  We all know playboys at the age of 40 who haven't yet learned the pleasure of settling down with one woman.   Those men still tend to be attracted to looks, seeking out what is new, different, and unobtainable.

Yet instead of realizing that immature men are the exception, not the rule, many of us women remain stuck in the high school mentality, believing that ALL men—not just the immature ones—seek nothing more than a pretty face.  We believe that we must dress sexy, look sexy, and act sexy for men to feel attracted to us.  And when our bodies rebel (as not all of us were made to look like models) we bury our heads in despair.  We think that we'll never be able to attract men.

Guess what?  The good news is that although you may be unable to attract immature men (who are focused on superficial appearances above all things) you may be just what a mature man is looking for.

Mature men seek women who are fun to be with, around whom they feel they can be themselves.  The mature man realizes that if he is going to spend the rest of his life with a woman, he needs to have more discerning criteria than good looks.  A woman who is in touch with her body, even though it isn't perfect, is preferable to a woman who goes into hysterics if her hair or clothes aren't perfect.  A woman who is uninhibited, passionate, and loves life is preferable to an aloof, cool woman who lives life on display.

For the man who looks beneath the surface, a woman is an entire package: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.  He must fall in love with all of those parts before he'll invite her to spend a lifetime with him.  What this means for us is that developing ourselves mentally, spiritually, and emotionally is just as important as perfecting our appearance.  What we look like is just a quarter of the entire package.

Best of all, if you start focusing on developing yourself spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, you'll find that you reap enormous personal benefits.  Your life will be happier.  You'll feel more content.  You may even find that male attention seems less important to you.

So the next time that you feel overlooked because of your appearance, or you're having an "ugly" day, just put on your most beautiful smile and realize that the only men who'll be ignoring you are the ones you don't want anyway. 

On Friday night a friend and I went out on the town.  In my city, the nightclubs and bars don't really start humming until 1am, so we waited until nearly midnight to head out.

Our taxi dropped us off on the Strip, a series of bars along the river, with outdoor seating warmed by gas torches and lit by strands of Christmas lights.  We were disappointed to see that despite the warm night, the bars weren't packed.

We chose the busiest of the bars to start the evening: the Tap Room, the bar of choice for businessmen and professionals.  The average age of patrons at the Tap Room was mid-forties.  Most were dressed in slacks and button-up shirts, as if they'd just come from work.  The women at the Tap Room were wives or girlfriends with expensive jewelry and exquisite accessories.  Everyone stood in small groups, drinking wine or glasses of rum and coke, intently focused on their own conversations.

We felt rather left out at our quiet outdoor table, so we filled the time by people-watching.

The best part about the Strip is that you can watch the parade of passers by.  On the street in front, taxis stopped, letting out pairs of beautiful women.  Groups of young men strode past, drunkenly laughing and shoving one another.  Couples paused in front of the bars, discussing whether they wanted to stop.  It was so much fun to watch this cross-section of the city on parade.

After some time, I began to notice a curious pattern.  The most beautiful women—the ones with perfectly straight blond hair, slender bodies, and gorgeous clothes—acted as if they were the stars of the show.  They tossed their hair back for the benefit of everyone watching them.  They leaned over and kissed the taxi driver for the voyeuristic young men.  They walked arm in arm with their female friends, presenting a unified front against anyone who might approach them.

My friend who was with me said, "No normal guy would even have a chance with one of those girls.  He'd get shot down!"

"But look at that girl," I said.  One girl, who looked like a model, was talking to a large, flat-faced man the size of a football player without the benefit of muscles.  Even though he was not even close to her in the looks department, she held his arm, whispered in his ear, then touched his chest flirtatiously.  "Do you think they're together?" I asked.

My companion mused, "Maybe they're just friends."

As we observed, we noticed that the guy kept glancing at the crowd around them, as did she.  Even though she was talking to him, both of them seemed more interested in watching who else was around them … and perhaps who was watching them.

The scene illustrated the fact that beautiful women don't always date handsome men.  Instead, women who are aware of the status that their beauty affords them tend to date men who are equally status-conscious.  In other words, (please forgive the language) "bitches attract jerks."

It is a strange phenomenon.  For some reason, women with aloof, stand-offish attitudes tend to be attracted to men with arrogant, cocky attitudes.  Attitude attracts attitude.

In the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss, Neil explains how any man—no matter what his looks—can date models, actresses, even strippers through a sophisticated series of techniques designed to prick through her attitude and establish his superiority.  Once a man can make a beautiful woman feel inferior, the theory goes, he has her.  She will then spend the rest of her night trying to prove herself to him and win his favor back.

As I tried to explain this to a friend, he didn't seem surprised at all.  "So?  We've always known this.  We know that if we want girls falling over us, all we have to do is be jerks.  But it's just not worth the effort."

It seems to be true, then.  Be a jerk and you'll attract women.  Be a bitch and you'll attract men.

In fact, a popular book by Sherry Argov claims just that.  Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl teaches women how acting like a bitch can actually make men fall all over them.

But for me, the question becomes … if bitches attract jerks, why in the world would you want to do it?

Acting aloof, superior, and like an actress on a movie set will definitely get men's attention.  It will get their competitive blood flowing.  They'll see you as a challenge that they want to conquer.  Play it cool, and only the cockiest, most confident men will approach you.

But as a result, all of the kind, ordinary guys watching you will feel intimidated.  Nice guys won't even step up to the plate.  The honest, genuine men who don't play games won't go to the effort of approaching you; instead, they'll focus their energy on more open, friendly girls.

So many women say, "I can't seem to meet any nice guys."  The problem in most cases is that they've memorized the thinking that tells them that they'll only be able to attract men if they dress like models, act aloof, avoid smiling or seeming too interested.  The only men that behavior attracts are men who are interested in the conquest rather than sharing their hearts.

I left town that night in a contemplative frame of mind.  What would happen, I wondered, if one of those beautiful women opened up her heart and smiled, acted friendly, chatted with everyone who spoke to her, and made everyone feel at ease?   She'd be swamped with admirers.  She wouldn't be able to get any peace, because her outer beauty would be matched by inner beauty.  Perhaps that is exactly why these women acted defensive.  They were protecting themselves from too much attention.  It is safe to have men admire you from a distance, not so safe when they keep coming up to you without a moment's rest, trying their lame pickup lines in hopes of earning your favor.

There is no easy answer to these questions.  Ultimately, each of us makes the decision about what attitude we will put on when we go out on the town.  But what we must realize is that the attitude we choose is just as important as what we decide to wear.  It will affect who approaches us … and who doesn't.

I stopped to get a coffee this morning at a different coffee shop than usual.  The cafe was narrow and humming with businesspeople standing and reading newspapers while waiting for their coffees to go.  Steam poured from the bar where a slender man with thinning hair scooped froth and poured milk with the delicate hands of a musician.

A few of the guys from the office at the end of the hall were waiting for their coffees as well.  They are all aspiring musicians, and to fund their creativity they've created online kits to teach people to play the guitar, piano, and other instruments. Their office has bare brick walls, framed prints of the Beatles, black leather sofas, towers of coffee cups, a jumble of instruments in the corner, and a sound studio behind a discrete door.  It's the feeling of geniuses at work.

I chatted with the guys as they waited for their coffees, then three of them left, leaving the last guy behind to wait for an extra order.  He brushed his hair out of his face and asked, "So, any exciting weekend plans?"

"Not much.  Having a barbecue this Friday with at a friend's house.  Then we're going out on the town."

"A female friend?"

"Nope, a guy friend."

"Right…"  He laughed.  "Not just a friend, then."

I didn't understand.  "Why do you think he wouldn't just be a friend?"

"Because you don't hang out at a guy's house and go partying with him unless there's something going on there."

It was the old Harry Met Sally conundrum.

Women find it easy to think of a man as "just a friend."  We can hang out with a guy, share our thoughts and feelings, enjoy activities together, and take pleasure in his company without ever thinking of him in a sexual way.  Similarly, we can even find joy in a merely platonic friendship with a man that we're sexually interested, if that's the best we can get.

Men, on the other hand, find that sexual desire often gets in the way of a platonic friendship with a female.  If they are sexually interested in a woman, it can be painful for them to continue a merely platonic friendship with her.  Some men even cut off friendships with women to whom they're attracted, because they don't want to torture themselves with sexual frustration.

One popular folk theory that explains this phenomenon is Ladder Theory.   Developed by Dallas Lynn, Ladder Theory is a crude, unscientific concept that purports to explain how male-female sexual attraction actually works.

According to Ladder Theory, when a woman meets a man, she subconsciously puts him on one of two "ladders."  On the first ladder, she ranks men that she would potentially be interested in as a sexual partner.  On the second ladder, she puts men that she considers friends.

The theory states that men can never jump from the "friends" ladder to the "real" ladder.  In other words, if a man is a woman's friend, she won't think of him sexually.  If he tries to upgrade his status from friend to lover, she'll spurn his advances with, "But I don't think of you that way!", causing him to fall into the abyss.

This concept makes sense on a certain level.  We all know lovely men who will make a great catch for a woman someday but, for whatever reason, don't turn us on.  You know the kind of guy I'm talking about, the kind that–no matter how hard you try–you can't think romantically about.  The kind that makes you say, "He's a nice guy, but he's my friend."

Most nice guys have had to deal with the fallout from Ladder Theory time and time again, when they become friends with a girl in hopes of eventually developing a relationship with her.  They don't realize that by placing themselves on the "friends" ladder, they've ensured that she will find it difficult to think of him "like that."

Now, I'm not saying that Ladder Theory is true!  I'm simply saying that this is one way that men explain women to themselves.

What is even more revealing is how Ladder Theory explains male attraction.

Ladder Theory states that unlike women, men just have one ladder, and it's not the friends ladder.  In other words, men will consider sleeping with anyone, including women they consider "just friends."

This can be hard for some women to accept.  I'm one of them.  I like to believe that my male friends see me as friends and nothing else.

But others believe Ladder Theory.  As I talked with the young musician at the coffee shop, I realized that even though he probably didn't know what Ladder Theory was, everything he was saying supported it.

He told me, "If you ask any guy what he would do if one of his female friends walked into the room completely naked and said, 'I want you,' I don't doubt that he would have sex with her.  If there's an opportunity for sex, a guy is going to take it."

So is impossible for a man and a woman to just be friends?  According to Ladder Theory, it is easy for a woman to be friends with a man, but a man will always hold out some possibility of sleeping with a female friend.

Whether or not you believe this theory, it is interesting to consider.  For me, I believe that Ladder Theory-style thinking is characteristic of less mature men.  As men mature, they are less driven by their hormones and more driven by a need to find meaning and satisfaction in their relationships.

What do you think?