Back in November of last year, we solicited topics from our newsletter subscribers for a course on Advanced Techniques in Dating.  One of the surprises in the responses that poured in was that women wanted to know how to let guys down gently.

How do you tell a man you're not interested?

For men, any indication that you don't want to sleep with him is perceived as rejection … a rejection that hurts.  It is impossible to avoid.  We end up hurting men because even though we love their friendship, their company, and their spirit, we don't want to sleep with them.  No matter how much we love them in other ways, the way that matters most to them is physical.

When I was a child, I was quite a tomboy.  I was always playing with the boys.  As I grew older, I found that male companionship was much more complicated.  If you played with a boy, you were accused of "liking" him.  Hormones confused even the best male-female friendships.  By the time I reached my twenties, I found that men were capable of friendship only when they had no interest in sleeping with you.

When a man is truly interested in a woman, hearing "Let's just be friends" burns a wound in his heart.  By saying it, you want to communicate that you enjoy his company and value his friendship.  But in his ears, he hears you saying, "I don't find you sexually attractive."

When you tell a man that you love his company but want to stay friends, you are not complimenting him.  You are rejecting him.  Your words (though said in love) will make him feel self-doubt, because for him, the greatest gift he can give a woman is his sexuality—not his company.  When a woman accepts his company but rejects his sexuality, she is rejecting his essence as a man.

For a man, his sexual nature is principal part of his identity.  In fact, for many men, their sexuality is the most important part of their nature.  Being a good friend to a woman is not as satisfying as making love to her.  In fact, friendship with such a woman can be torturous because of the knowledge that he can be her friend but not sleep with her.

For his sake, let him down without using the word "friend."  Avoid saying ANYTHING like, "But I think of you as a friend" or "I really like you, but just as a friend."

Instead, when a man makes his move, try this tactic to let him down lightly.  "I'm flattered, but we're just not right for one another."  Or you might say simply, "No, but thank you for asking."  Avoid explaining the reasons behind your rejection.  He doesn't really want to know them.

Men are such wonderful creatures.  They risk rejection time and time again to ask women out.  The simple, sweet, honest ones often have the worst track record with women.  When we make it easy for them to pick up their ego after we've turned down their offer of sex, they'll keep their feeling of confidence long enough to ask another woman out.  That can only benefit all of us.

If you are feeling guilty about rejecting a man, then perhaps the following paragraph will speak to you.

"I wish that I was the right woman for all of the lovely men who have asked me out, but I wasn't.  They deserve to know that I am not the woman for them right away, so that they can continue looking for someone who WILL be right for them.  Turning down a man's genuine offer of a relationship can make me feel sad, because I value male company and companionship.  But ultimately, it is the best decision for us both."

When I first started working at 000Relationships.com, I wondered who the women were who wrote in to thank Sarah Paul (author of "How to Be Irresistible to Men") from all over the world.  Were they teenagers wanting to have greater success with boys?  Were they women in their thirties getting ready to marry?  Or were they like my female friends: lovely, intelligent women of all ages and ethnicities who wanted to understand their relationship with men better?

Before I came to 000Relationships.com, I finished a master's degree in writing in the UK.  I'd spent my last summer there living in a flat with an English friend, Eve.  Eve was a mother, university student, and recent divorcé.  Mid-life, she was starting over again.  Yet instead of feeling filled with fear for being on her own for the first time since she was a teenager, Eve embraced her new life.  She tackled classes with the same youthful spirit she employed playing with her children.  She dated, went clubbing, started the gym, and worked with the elderly in her spare time.

The sheer amount of activity in her life staggered me.  I'd established a simple habit of working on my thesis, working out, and seeing friends, and that was enough for me.  But Eve met men everywhere: on her routes, at clubs, on the net.  Her bubbly, vivacious attitude warmed men tired of rejection on the clubbing circuit.  They could always count on Eve's laughter and smile.

I learned so much that summer about men and about the power of a positive attitude.  Even though Eve faced greater challenges than I did, she kept a positive outlook in public and let her joy radiate outwards even when inside she was feeling sorrowful.  I knew that her divorce and being away from her children while at university was difficult for her, but she never let that be an excuse to doubt her life or the importance of what she was doing.  She reached out to all of us in love and kept her anger at the divorce firmly directed at the person who was responsible for it, not at life in general.

Over the past year at 000Relationships.com, I learned that many of the women wanting more information on how to have better relationships and attract the right men were not teeny-boppers or inexperienced.  They were women like Eve.

Amazing, incredible women.

Women who knew that being good at relationships is not a skill we are born with.

Women who knew that the path to excellence in anything, including relationships, is research, practice, and living the message.

These women had had long-term relationships before, and this time around they wanted to know how to do it right. They had so much love to give men, if they could only get over the shields and defenses they'd built up from previous rejections.

I have a message for all those women out there who turn to us or to other relationship experts seeking the magic key to love.

There is hope.  Never ever believe there's not hope.  Happiness lies ahead for you, if you can only quiet that nagging voice inside that tells you to doubt.  That voice is wrong.  Don't doubt.  Believe in yourself.  Believe in your potential for happiness.

Women have found the man of their dreams at 17, at 29, at 44 or 75.  There is no age cut-off date for love.

There are so many men dreaming of love right now, just as you are dreaming of love.  They want you to love them as much as you want them to love you.  If you can learn to give the men in your life love right now (friends, family members, the bus driver, the postman, even strangers!), then love will be given back to you in abundance, as much as you ever dreamed of.

That's a law of the universe.  What you give is what you shall receive.  A person who is stingy with love (which I know you are not) will find that love rarely knocks on their door.

Have faith, hope, and love.  No matter what your situation, how old you are, how much time you have, there is always a door in your heart on which love can come knocking.  

When most of us go out on the town, we dress to entice.  We can spend ages selecting the perfect outfit to express ourselves.  Ultimately we end up with something stylish, sexy, and well-fitting.

From a young age, we're taught to dress in a way that makes ourselves look more attractive.  In fact, that's the purpose of clothes, isn't it?  Not just to keep us covered, not just to keep us warm, but to enhance our best features and make us look more appealing to men.

For years, I believed that only three choices were available to me: dress comfortably, dress professionally, or dress sexy.  I dressed comfortably at home.  I dressed professionally at work.  And when I went out, I dressed sexy.

It wasn't until I began to research the male pickup artist scene for a seminar talk that I realized I was missing out entirely on another category.

Dress to be noticed.

This isn't the same as dressing sexy.  Men will notice and feel attracted to a woman who enhances her curves and femininity with the right clothes.  But they will also notice women who play into different fantasies.

Women who dress goth.
Women who dress like prim and proper librarians.
Women who dress like schoolgirls.
Women who dress in Victorian gowns.

Not normal daywear, right?  But that's precisely the reason it stands out.

In the male pickup community, a pickup artist named Mystery pioneered a concept called peacocking. Just as a male peacock attracts attention by its garish fan of luminescent feathers, so a pickup artist will dress in garish, even tacky fashions to draw attention.  Think of platform boots, wigs, fake noserings, leather pants, gaudy shirts.  Think rock star fashion.

It's amazing how many people assume that a man wearing such outrageous fashions must be famous.  At the very least, people are intrigued.  They want to know more about him.  And that's one way the pickup artist attracts so many women.  Women are fascinated by the individual who's not dressed like everyone else in the club.

When I first heard the concept, I was stunned.  So it's not about being attractive?  The most important thing isn't looking good? 

Peacocking works for men.  It's been proven by pickup artists around the world.  The real question for me was: would it work for women? 

So I put it to the test.

I bought a pair of handcuffs and some knee-high black boots.  The first day, I pulled my hair back in a tight ponytail and wore the black boots, a pin-striped miniskirt, a black turtleneck, and the handcuffs clipped on the belt loops so that they'd dangle on my hip.

I got stared at.

I don't think I've ever been checked out that much in one day.

The next day, I wore skinny jeans tucked into the boots with a tight black t-shirt and the handcuffs again clipped on the belt loops.

Fewer stares, but more than a few comments in the hallways of my office building.

Does peacocking work for women?  From my brief experiment, it seems that it might.

Would you help me test this theory?  Try going out one weekend in something that you'd ordinarily never think of wearing.  Think of it like wearing a costume.  Try tight tank tops with camouflage trousers, or horn-rimmed glasses with a figure-revealing turtleneck and hair in a bun.  Pick a male fantasy and play into it.  Be fun and playful, and see what happens.

It might just start a trend. 

This weekend, I went to a "singles mingle" at a local bar known as The Grumpy Mole.  Now, the Grumpy Mole is notorious for being a meat market. It's decorated in a Wild West theme, with a stage at the far end that had played host to nude hot tub parties during the biggest singles bashes of the previous year.

This night, however, word about the "singles mingle" must not have gotten out. Despite being nearly midnight, the bar wasn't happening yet. The men and women milling about were older than the usual late teens/early twenties crowd that usually occupied the place. They nursed drinks, hunched their shoulders, and lifted their heads only to see who else was there.

I'm not sure whether it is the city or the culture, but slumping seems to be a national pasttime. I glanced across the bar and saw no one holding their body proudly. Heads were bent down. Shoulders were rounded. People kept their arms close to their sides. No one looked excited. Everyone looked, well, embarrassed to be there.

I noticed one girl in particular. She was wearing black hot pants and a wrap-around bra. Though she had a curvy figures, she held her drink closely to her chest and hunched her shoulders. With an outfit like that, she should have been displaying her curves with a chest-up bottom-out "look at me" stance. Instead, she simply looked uncomfortable and hopeful.

Conclusion? Keep your spine straight, throw your shoulders back, and look up for the world to see. Look at the mirror. Do you have a proud body? Don't keep your elbows close to your sides; let them relax. Gesture animatedly. Keep your head up.

Be the girl that men can tell at an instant has confidence in herself and loves who she is.

It was St. Patrick's Day, and I headed out to an Irish pub with my friend Daryn to celebrate the spirit of the Irish.

The pub was bustling. We made our way to the bar, and as Daryn waited for a space to open up to order, I noticed that the television above the entrance was tuned to the sports station. A game was in progress: the Cats versus the Crusaders, provincial rugby teams.

Now, I love rugby. My favorite Valentine's Day ever was spent in a pub watching the Six Nations rugby (France v. England) on a big screen, eating pizza and drinking beer in a pink-trimmed dancing dress. So I was content to stand and watch the rugby, ignoring the people streaming past me, while Daryn got drinks.

It was a rather awkward place to stand. Anyone entering the pub had to pass me in order to make their way to the back. I was too entranced with the game to move for passers-by.

When Daryn returned with the drinks, we decided to stay where we were. A fascinating thing begin to happen.

"All those guys are checking you out," Daryn said.

"What?" I hadn't even noticed.

"Seriously. That one guy just walked past and even turned his head back to look again."

"Naah." I laughed.

But over the next hour, it kept happening again and again. Guys would come into the pub and give me a sweeping gaze of appreciation before passing on to the bar or further back into the room.

Guys check women out. It's in their nature. But to be checked out so often in such a short period of time could only mean one thing.

I was standing in prime territory.

Every man who came into the pub had to look at me. I was standing right in his line of sight, facing him. Best of all, my gaze was focused on the game, which gave him the opportunity to check me out without my noticing.

Where you stand in a bar or club can determined whether you get noticed or ignored. There's a reason that wallflowers don't get asked to dance. The corners of a bar or club are often quite dark, hiding those lingering on the edges. However, the people standing in the middle of the bar, close to the flow of traffic, with their fronts (not backs) facing the door are the clever ones. They'll be the first to get seen.

Location, location, location. Think about it the next time you go out.