Many of us have no clue what a man wants in a relationship.  If we're cynical, we may think he just wants sex, someone to keep him from feeling alone, or the status of having a girlfriend.  If we're romantic, we may think that he wants love, a life companion, and a mother for his children.

And if we look into our own hearts, into the many complex reasons we want a man in our lives, we often find a little bit of all of the above.  The proportions may be different, but none of us can deny that the benefits of a relationship include companionship, intimacy, a change in status from "single" to "couple," love, partnership, and a shared future.

But what most of us don't know is how important relationships actually are for men.  According to the National Marriage Project (supported by Rutgers University), marriage transforms men's lives in positive, healthy ways.  Married men are more productive, earn more money, get sick less, think more about the future, are happier, and even have better sex lives.  According to sociologist Steven Nock, marriage is also a rite of passage from boy to man.

The National Marriage Project 2004 study on "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why" reveals that the type of man most likely to look forward to a future of marital bliss is religious, has grown up in a family with both parents, and feels it's time to settle down.  Surprisingly, most men (more than two out of three) do not believe that the purpose of marriage is having children.

Most of these men are married for the first time by the time they're thirty.  Which brings us to the second group that the study examined: the non-marrying kind (22% of those surveyed).  These are men who believe that marriage is not for them: they are significantly more likely to distrust women, fear losing their personal freedom, focus on the high divorce rate and bad marriages, and not want children.  The study suggests that the notion of the thirty-something bachelor who's finally getting ready to settle down after sowing his wild oats is, in fact, a myth.  Many thirty-something single men are undecided or even opposed to the idea of getting married anytime soon.

Therefore, if you're seeking a partner with long-term potential, here are 3 things you should look out for:

1. He speaks positively of marriage or other people's marriages.   If, on the other hand, he often predicts that a trouble marriage will end in divorce or points out the disadvantages and troubles in other people's marriages, then he may not hold a positive enough belief in marriage to want to make that commitment himself.
2. He trusts women in general.  Men who've had positive, healthy relationships with other women (such as his mother, sisters, female friends, co-workers) have often developed the skills needed to build and maintain a relationship with a partner.  These men have a greater understanding of women, or at least have come to peace with gender differences, and are less likely to see women as the enemy.
3. He's passed the stage in life where "fun and freedom" were his main focus.  Even though most men will admit that their freedom is important to them, a man who's settling into the stage in his life where he can think about marriage will find that other goals appeal to him.  He may think more about finding a soulmate.  He may be more interested in building something lasting, such as a career, a house, or public service.  If, on the other hand, he often jokes about the "ball and chain" of marriage and urges friends to treasure their freedom above a woman, he may not be the marrying kind.

To learn more about how you can attract the right kind of man for lasting love, click here and discover "How to Be Irresistible to Men," the ultimate guide for attracting your soulmate.  Stop wasting your time with men who aren't worth it.  Discover how to tell when a relationship is right for you.  You'll be amazed at the quality of men you'll attract.  Get it now at:

http://www.000Relationships.com/tomen/ 

Today is the fifth anniversary of September 11.  It's a date that needs no identification.  Like the assassination of President Kennedy, it has marked a generation and defined the young 21st century.

It goes without saying that today should be a day of remembrance.  As you go about your day – getting breakfast made, commuting to work, picking up the kids from school – I hope you find time for a moment of silence.

Even as all of us search for love, it's important to remember that all we have in life is the present moment.  Even as you search for Mr. Right, life holds no guarantee that you'll be able to keep him forever.

If you have a man in your life right now, enjoy him.  Enjoy every evening you spend together.  Enjoy the silly conversations and the easy way you share the details of your day.  In the midst of reminding him to get the groceries or arranging your weekend plans, give him a hug and thank him for being in your life.  You're lucky to have him, just as he's lucky to have you.

There's a fantastic story in the New York Metro about the 9/11 widows and how they've accepted the challenge of moving on with their lives.  For those of us who've had to confront life after the loss of a partner – whether through death, divorce, or a breakup – the widows' grief reminds us of the stages of grieving and the mental tricks the mind will play to keep from having to confront the ugly reality of life without our beloved.  The way the widows came together to support one another in groups like the GW ("Grieving Widows") reminds us how deeply we can rely on our female friends and family members to understand what we're going through and offer us their ears to listen and shoulders to lean on.  And the widows' resilience as they began laughing again, vacationing again, and – yes- dating and loving again, reminds us that we don't have to carry our grief with us forever.  Even though you may have loved your previous partner beyond belief, you honor him most by taking that fierce, deep love and sharing it with others.

According to Dr. Judy of the New York Daily News, the meaning of 9/11 is greater than tragedy: it's also about reminding ourselves what's important and finding new resolve to connect with our loved ones.  She believes that, "like a wedding anniversary, birth of a child or death of a loved one, September 11 is a 'marker' date that can serve as a turning point to turn your life – and your relationship – around."

Life is too precious – as is love – to live each day on autopilot, repeating the same old patterns and having the same old arguments.

If you're seeking a way to honor those who died in 9/11 in a way that reflects the lessons learned in the five years since it happened, then might I suggest that you think of one person in your life whom you've been unable to forgive, and give them a call?

Forgiveness frees us.  In forgiveness, you let go of the baggage that keeps poisoning the present.  Forgiveness – of ourselves as well as others – allows us to move on.

And that, ultimately, is the best way to honor the dead: to appreciate, respect, and honor the gift of life.

Okay, let's take a survey…

Hands up if you've ever gotten mad at your man?

Hands up if you've ever found it fun to get mad at your man?

Hands up if you've started to find it really easy to get mad at your man?

Now, before we analyze those results, I'm going to tell you a little story.

When I was a teenager, I had a really great guy friend that I used to hang out with all the time.  We played video games together, watched movies together, and went to one another's houses for holidays.  When I got irritated at him, he didn't take me seriously at all.  He turned it into a joke.  He'd make fun of me and poke me until I laughed again.

Then one summer I discovered the power of getting mad.

I don't remember why I got angry at him … but for the first time, he didn't laugh.  He got upset, shut down, and went home without another word.  I felt half-horrified, half-fascinated.  I still felt like I had every right to be mad at him, but instead of playing the game he'd taken my shot right in the face.

Sometime, getting mad can be fun.  Othertimes, it can kill a relationship.  And you don't always know which is which.

I've seen too many long-term relationships where the wife will scream and yell at her husband, doing the only thing she knows to make him understand how she feels, while the husband just gets quieter and thin-lipped and ends up storming out of the house or retreating emotionally.

Throwing a fit never helps things, but it can feel sooo good.

Often our men hate facing conflict.  They will do anything to avoid having to face the fact that someone's feelings were hurt or that a mistake was made.  As a result, they don't want to talk about problems.  The only way we feel that we can get through to them is to throw a fit.  Even if they don't end up hearing us, at least we feel better afterwards.

Getting mad at your man can become a habit.  Every time he does anything annoying, or forgets something, or acts insensitively, it can feel oh-so-tempting just to let loose.

Although it can feel fantastic to let our emotions rip, very few of us realize how our habit of "getting mad" is actually less endearing than destructive.

I fully admit that I give into my emotions.  When I feel something, I need to express it rather than hold it in.

But when is it okay to get mad?  When is it okay to throw a tantrum simply because we need to feel heard?

According to clinical psychologist Richard Wheeler, the answer is never.

It's never okay to get mad at your partner.  It's never okay to yell, or throw things, or call him names.  It's never okay to blame him for every time he's been late for a date with you or every time he's forgotten a special occasion.

When I heard that advice for the first time, I was amazed.  But what do you do if you can't get mad at someone?  How do you show your partner that you felt hurt?  Isn't all that anger harmful if you keep it inside?

Learning how to express yourself in a healthy way when you're angry may be one of the most important lessons you ever learn when it comes to keeping your man's love and respect.

Here are some suggestions for what to do when you're about to get mad:

1. Get some perspective.  Is it really such a big deal that he was 15 minutes late?  Is it really such a big deal that you'd planned something together that you were really looking forward to and he canceled?  How much does this matter to your relationship?  Can you laugh at this? 
2. Deal with the situation at hand.  Don't bring up the past (e.g., every time he's done this before) or the future.  Keep yourself focused on this specific event.
3. Express your feelings completely. If you don't tell him how you feel, you'll become resentful and bitter.  Make sure that you tell him how his actions made you feel in a way that's non-accusatory and non-confrontational.  Remember that it's not about what he did – it's about how you felt about it.
4. Care about his point of view.  Don't have a shouting match where you're trying to drown one another out.  The problem with most arguments is that each side is focused on what they're going to say, not on understanding the other person's point of view or resolving the conflict.  Maybe he was just as upset as you were when he had to cancel your special date night; maybe he sped to get home on time and sat cursing at the stoplights, knowing he was going to be late.  You don't know.  Give him space to tell you.
5. Give up being right and get closer.  When you're focused on being right, your relationship loses.  Don't hold the pain of being hurt so tightly to you that it forms a barrier between you and your partner.  Allow him to make amends, and allow yourself to forgive.  You know when your partner's heart is genuinely in the right place.

These techniques will not only help you forge an amazing connection with your partner; they'll also help you with life.

As anyone in management can tell you, blowing up and blaming others and nursing hurt feelings are actions that break teams apart.  For a team (like a relationship) to succeed, people have to be willing to cool down, talk things through, and accept decisions made for the sake of the team rather than the individual.

The great thing in a relationship is that there are only two of you with needs to balance.  For some, that's one too many.

If you want an okay relationship, go ahead and experience the pleasure of getting angry and making up.  But if you want a relationship to last a lifetime, learn healthier ways to get mad – and give up getting even.

I immediately get suspicious when someone tells me that their partner is perfect.  Knowing what I do about the relationship life cycle, I assume that the couple is still in their honeymoon stage.  They're infatuated with their idealized vision of one another.  They believe that none of the conflicts that happen to other people will happen to them.  Unlike others, they will never fall out of love, never argue, never break up…

It is a beautiful innocence, when a relationship starts.  It can feel like all of the dark burden of the past has been erased.  You're starting over with someone who isn't anything like your ex.  You've learned your lesson, so you aren't going to make the same mistakes.  This time, everything is going to go right.

Except, of course … it doesn't.

And it won't.  That's simply how relationships work.

Understanding this concept can save so much grief in relationships.  That's why I discuss it at length in the 2006 Edition of "How to Be Irresistible to Men."

But the one idea that you can take away right now is that discovering imperfection in your partner is actually a wonderful thing.

It means he's real.

It means you see the person beneath the boyfriend … the person he is rather than the person you want him to be.

So when a relationship isn't quite perfect, it can mean one of two things:

1. It can mean that you're moving onto the next level in your relationship, when you're starting to see one another more realistically and are able to evaluate more clearly whether or not the relationship has staying power.
2. It can mean that intuition is telling you that something needs to change.  That something could be as simple as getting something out into the open (communication) or as extensive as rethinking your lifestyle.

When you get dissatisfied with a relationship, the immediate instinct is to blame him or to blame yourself.  Maybe you've been busy and stressed; maybe he's said some insensitive things.

But when you blame one another for a less than satisfying relationship, you don't add any positive energy back into the situation.  Nothing will get better because you've figured out whose fault it is.

The other instinct is to guess what he's thinking, wanting, or needing.  I always strongly counsel against trying to read your partner's mind.  Ask him.  Directly.

Then ask yourself, "What needs do I have that aren't getting fulfilled?"  Chances are that you feel something is lacking that you need to feel happy.  You know your own needs better than anyone.

That's the fantastic thing about feeling that a relationship isn't quite perfect.  It's a wake-up call.  It's telling you to be honest with yourself.  It spurs honest communication between the two of you.

If you can take positive action, you'll grow through the experience into a richer and more satisfying relationship (or take the steps to end an unhealthy situation).  If you get caught up in blame or feeling depressed, you'll find that your relationships always seem to take a nose dive at the first sign of imperfection.

You have the power to change a less than perfect relationship into something that fulfills you or to leave it.  Never forget it.

The third place winner in the Readers Story competition gives us a timely message about just how much abuse we should put up with in relationships, and encourages us to value ourselves more.

"Bad Boy Meets Dangerous"

by Auriel Wiccan

It basically begins when I was going through my rebellious years, the years of trying new things, having boyfriends that never lasted, going to parties and basically doing everything you shouldn’t!

I had just finished a brilliant summer of friendship, heartache, new loves and another year at school had passed, making me that bit smarter in every area.  I went out with a couple of guys, nothing serious.  But like any person, I wanted and needed companionship.  Trouble is, like too many others, unfortunately we go for the wrong types again and again, except the one I chose was far more dangerous.

Young girls with little experience, even those of great maturity, often feel that bad boy allure, and I was captivated by it so many times. I wish I hadn’t been one of the worse case scenarios, but it turns out I narrowly escaped being one.

I started seeing this guy whom I had briefly met through other guys that had been hanging around with us in the summer.  I didn’t know his past history with women or himself as I had not really talked to him.  (I didn’t even want to go out with him.  It’s ironic, I got nagged so much by him and his friends I ended up with him, sorry to say.)

I noticed after the first few weeks that he or his closest friends weren’t your “usual” bad boys.  There was something more dangerous and complicated going on in the background, but we never got to see what, as it was always masked from us.  However, I knew from the first few weeks of seeing him that he and his friends took drugs now and then (I naively thought at the time) and I didn't mind but was afraid in case my suspicions of any heavy drugs being used was clarified.

I would go up to his room when he and his friends would go out and they would tell us to stay down in the lounge but we would go up and look around.  One time when I was alone I looked around for drugs, as I had became more and more scared of the growing personality traits and changes to existing ones.  He was starting to act like a very angry person.  There were many more other signs, too, but I had to know.  He was very, very sneaky about his drug use, as drug users are, I later found out.

I ended up finding two sets of needles behind a picture in his wall which was being done up and was at the time just plasterboard.  A rush of adrenaline came over me. I was infused with various emotions at once.  It hit me like thunder … my boyfriend’s a heroin addict.

I totally freaked out. I thought, “Oh no!”  My heart sank.  I had already developed feelings for him and cared about him very much by the time all of the truth came out about what he had been doing….

I later would find spoons and other such paraphernalia in the weirdest of places and done in the sneakiest ways to avoid detection…

I was in a situation that was spiraling out of control.  I felt helpless.  I didn’t go to my parents, as I was afraid and ashamed.  I wish I had.

I’ve told myself that so many times as things could have been so different.  So much time has been wasted in my life due to this one relationship.  I hope one of you reads this that’s in a similar situation and gets help straight away as it will not get better.  He will not change, but you can get out while you still can.

I was lucky to get out.

After about a year, he started getting violent.  I was getting beatings for the most trivial things or things thrown at me or kicked or shoved.  He was drinking profusely and acted like an animal most of the time I saw him.  He was wasted and out of control, with no respect for me or anyone around me, including my family, who were subsequently threatened if I told them anything about his using or violence, which he would deny anyway.

I remember so many bad events in which things were broken, torn, ripped, even once locking myself in bathrooms which he punched holes in to get away from him, in my house which I tried to cover up.  And, of course, due to the amount and the extent of his punches on my head, I have a lot of memory loss from this relationship.  Things will pop up that I hadn’t even recalled happening and also because I have repressed it, my tender young mind probably too young and fragile to be overloaded with all these anxieties.

After you become involved in one lie with this type of thing, it grows and becomes 100.  It’s better to get away and tell the truth and what’s happened from the start.  There’s no point making up excuses for their behavior in the hope you might end back with them as you won’t, as they won’t change, only you can and only you can LEARN FROM IT and CHANGE IT and I SINCERELEY HOPE YOU DO….

I always get asked the same question, and you will be able to relate if you’re going through or have with any of this: “WHY DID YOU STAY WITH HIM IF HE TREATED YOU LIKE THAT?”

Well, for those of you that have been there, you know what I do.  For those that haven’t, the answer is different for everyone but more or less the same in a round-about way: it’s simply not that easy!  You still love the person, you want him to get better and basically imagine he will, you want to see the good side of him and the good things he’s done and not the bad, but sadly at the end of it all you intuitively know, it’s over.

And that’s where it should have been a long time ago.  He’s not meant for you and you weren’t put on this earth to be treated like garbage by ANYONE.  PLEASE REMEMBER YOU’RE WORTH MORE IN ANY SITUATION.

If I can go through this at such a young age, then you can too!  We have a cycle of life to play out, and sometimes we have to be put through horrible things in order for us to learn.  If we learn, we have knowledge.  Knowledge is power.  Power leads to attainment, attainment to enlightenment.  Everyone has it in them to fulfill anything they want and overcome the worst things, as we are not just physical: we are spiritual, intuitive beings and have a lot more in us, around us and going for us than we know.

Until the time comes for you to use this, you will not understand, but there will come a time when you have to open up and use one of the things you were born with naturally.  Then you will see that you are so much more than what you see when you look in the mirror and so much stronger, too!

Blessings all and I hope you will take from this something, anything as long as it helps you.  Don’t let any problem in a relationship fester, as it will eventually erupt one way or another like a volcano.

[Submission has been edited for brevity.]

I'd like to share these important lessons and inspiring messages that our readers have discovered in their journey to find happiness and love.

Alisa Audet (who has found her Mr. Right):

I truly believe when you focus on having fun together, you will be more successful in relationships.  I had a lot of guy coaches too!  They taught me what men truly want. They want to be appreciated, want to have fun (a playmate), and they want a caring woman.

I learned through experience that when a man hurts your feelings or doesn't give you what you were wanting not to make a big deal out of it.  Make a big deal out of what he does right and you'll find he won't mess up! Also, learn to communicate without hurtful words.

Couples that play together……stay together.

Respect, honor, and have fun! That is what makes dating successful! Most of all………be yourself!

The right person is worth waiting for.

Rachel Buenviaje:

Me and my current boyfriend have been going out for about a year now. Though there are things I find unusual in him but as our relationship progresses, I began to realize that compatibility is not everything. A couple could still survive despite their differences. Diversity in a relationship can set some space for growth, for both parties.
 
It may be difficult during the adjustment period, but I realized accepting your partner's weakness and appreciating his strengths is all that matters….
 
One thing I learned in love, never measure LoVe. Coz there's no measure in true love. All that matters is the way you feel for one another, and the way you value each other's presence.

Reena James:

God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. It's like God is preparing us and when we're ready, then we will meet the one. Breakups are hard and hurtful, but that's God's exam to us in life. 

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy fantasy baseball.  In fact, I’d be lying if I said didn’t LOVE fantasy baseball.

But the truth is, I’m hooked.  I’m on my ESPN Fantasy League team page every day, analyzing performances, devouring stats, reading score sheets.  I can’t get enough of the experts’ columns, the latest reports about who’s hot and who’s not, and browsing the free agent list to see who my competitors may not have been wise enough to pick up. 

I love the whole competitive feel of it.  It’s great to know when you’re winning, especially with the subtle, little victories such as a trade that goes your way, or a free agent pick-up that turns out to be one of your best players.  You may be in the bottom of the standings one day, but after a couple of shrewd moves, right up there at the front of the pack.  It’s exhilirating.

All in all, it’s an addiction that I truly love—and that my fiancee truly HATES.

But what’s interesting about this story is what it can show us about winning.  Just like fantasy baseball victories are sometimes too subtle to immediately recognize, so it goes with victories in relationships.

As I said before, my girlfriend hates that I spend so much time on my fantasy baseball habit.  She would NAG me about doing other things, like spending more time talking with her.  Yeah, NAGGING, a sometimes daily nightmare that all of us guys have had to deal with.  It’s not fun, and often drives a man away from the prescribed task more than it gets him to do it.

Unless….

Unless your girlfriend actually learned how to achieve what she wanted WITHOUT nagging. 

At first, when I would sneak off during a movie or during a "How was your day?" session to check how my beloved fantasy team was performing, she would complain.  And nag.  And complain and nag.  Her biggest thing would be that I don’t spend enough time talking to her.  And the total effect would be to just make me more MORE inclined to check my team, to show that *I* was the man in control.  Why couldn’t she just respect the hobby I so adore?  I never asked her to like it.  Just to deal with it.

Then a funny thing happened.  She DID learn to deal with it.  And in the process, I got hoodwinked by her subtle way of winning.

As most women know, the moment she begins to nag, men just tune out.  We’re gone.  We’re off in another place.  I call my place James World.  Maybe you have a name for your partner's alternate reality.

But there’s the flip side.  Sometimes, instead of nagging, a girl starts to IGNORE you.  And then we don’t know what’s happening!

This happened with Jen.  I was so used to her routine of criticizing me for spending so much time on my fantasy league, that when it stopped, I thought something was wrong.  There HAD to be something wrong.  I mean, this wasn’t part of the routine!  All of a sudden, when I went off to check the latest results, she wouldn’t say a thing.  She’d go off somewhere.  Then I’d be done checking, and she’d still be doing something else.  I’d ask her what was up, and she’d say she was busy.  "Huh", I would think to myself.  "That’s unusual."  So a few minutes later I went to check on her again.  And she would brush me off again: "I gotta call someone", or "Give me 10 minutes." 

Okay, now it was REALLY getting weird.  Instead of automatically defending my habits, I was gaining some form of acceptance.  Not routine.  And as we men know, when things aren’t routine, SOMETHING’S not right.

So in the process of Jen being busy herself, I somehow began to change my habits.  I wasn’t so eager to check my team, because it all of a sudden wasn’t prohibited.  And that made it less fun.  Now all of a sudden I found myself spending more time talking with her.  And less time checking my fantasy league.

Then I realized it….

That was her plan all along.  She didn’t stop nagging so much to let me do what I wanted.  She stopped nagging so that I would do what SHE wanted! 

I’d been had!  I thought I was pretty good at the intricacies of fantasy baseball.  But I’ve got a lot to learn about the intricacies of relationships.

Damn, women are good!

Last Saturday, I went to a birthday party for a friend.  It was in a lovely house in a quiet cul-de-sac in the outermost suburb, the sort of peaceful environment that you'd imagine full of kids and dogs, wine and dinner parties, healthy living and marital bliss.

As the guests arrived, I stood and shook hands, realizing that I was woefully underdressed in a tight pink tee and biker jacket.  I'd expected the party to be about jeans and t-shirts, but instead it was all slacks and conservatively cut skirts.  I sipped my red wine and convinced myself that the difference meant I was cool.

My friend's brother was there with his new wife.  I'd met him briefly a few months ago.  He wore spectacles and a goatee that seemed at odds with his effeminate blond hair.  He was skinny and wore rumpled clothes, as if his mother still dressed him.

His new wife was lovely.  She was in her early twenties with brown hair streaked with blond highlights.  She wore a camel skirt with a brown cardigan, soft and expensively cut.  If I hadn't known what she did, I would have taken her for an office administrator from her efficient manner, prim horn-rimmed glasses, and lingering perfume of command.

She sat herself properly on the floor by her brother-in-law and addressed herself to me.  "You're from the United States?"

"Yes," I said.

"I'm going there next fall."  It was a statement, the emphasis falling perceptibly on the I.

I knew what she wanted me to ask next.  I complied politely.  "Where are you going?"

"Chicago.  I have familiy there.  Then we're going to Prince Albert Island in Canada."

In every statement she spoke, she stressed the I and the we.  I was supposed to be impressed, I knew.  She then spent the next fifteen minutes telling me everything they were going to do.  It was all about her and her family and the epic nature of the journey.

After she went to the kitchen to pour herself a drink, my escort (who'd never met any of these people before) turned to me and whispered, "Do you like her?"

I shook my head wordlessly.

Have you met people like that before?  People who are so afraid that you won't notice them that they have to insert themselves into every conversation?

She wasn't consciously being rude.  There was a lot more going on behind the surface.

She was a woman with a fear of being invisible.  Unless she made sure that people noticed her, she feared that no one would pay any attention to her.  And that fear was kept well-fed by her partner, who kept shushing her when she was talking or telling her to sit down when she was dancing, telling her that she was making a fool of herself.

Before they got married, her partner gave her a Valentine's Day card that said,

You may think you're fat and ugly,
but I love you anyway.

She didn't take offense, or if she did she merely accepted it.

Because her partner didn't accept her, didn't see her, and didn't listen to her, she reached out in the only way she knew.  She became the person who always makes every conversation about herself, who speaks a little too loud and a little too shrill, and who displays no genuine interest in other people.

Unless you get the love you need at home, you take that need into all your social encounters.  She was crying out to be noticed, and not even her own husband noticed her.  He rarely gave her physical comfort or the benefit of his full, undivided attention.  To him she was the child.  So, like a child, she grew used to making a scene until someone noticed her discomfort.

I know so many women in a similar situation.  Some women deal with their invisibility better than others.  Others simply accept what their husbands tell them and fade away.  Luckily for her, she was fighting back, even though her tools were less than adequate.

We all deserve to be noticed without having to fight for attention.

I got my hair cut last night at my favorite hair salon, the one where all the stylists are quirky over-30s with piercings and a vast knowledge of the latest celeb and local gossip.  As the stylist blowdried my hair with practiced flips of the brush, she told me about a woman who had come in earlier to accompany her teenage daughter for a haircut.  The stylist had asked the daughter, "What sort of style would you like?"  The daughter wouldn't even look up.  Her shoulders were hunched.  She mumbled, "Dunno."  The stylist was surprised; usually, teenagers have a very clear idea of what they want.  There was an awkward silence, which the mother quickly filled.  "She'll have her hair like this and like this."

The stylist shook her head as she was telling the story.  "The mother was a control freak," she said.  "She kept telling me how to cut the girl's hair as I was cutting it.  'I'm a professional,' I told her.  'I've been doing this for 20 years.  I wouldn't presume to tell you how to do your job, so please trust me.'

"She's not the only one like that.  Another woman came in with her husband.  They were both getting haircuts.  She told the stylist exactly how she wanted his hair cut.  She wanted it like Hugh Grant.  Then her husband went off with one stylist, and I started doing her hair.  Once her husband was out of earshot, he told the stylist, 'I really don't want it like that.'   So they compromised with a softer cut.  When the wife saw it, she was furious.  She raised a huge fit. 'I didn't ask for it to be like that!'  'No,' the stylist said, 'but he did.'"

I shook my head.  "So sad.  But it's so common, partners needing to be in control."

The stylist continued.  "I was just thinking, 'So what if he wants a different haircut?  You married him for better or worse, right?  How is his haircut going to harm you, especially if it makes him feel good?'  Women like that end up trying to control everything.  Someday he's going to have enough of it.  Five, ten, fifteen years down the road he's going to say, 'Hold on a minute. What's happened to my life? You're trying to turn me into you.  I'm out of here.'"

I added, "It's that need to change a man.  The fixer-upper attitude."

"Exactly.  And when she can't turn him into the man she wants, she acts like he has let her down.  He gets sick of her nagging and goes off to find someone who appreciates him for who he is."

It was a fantastic conversation for the price of a haircut.  In a hair salon, stylists see a cross-section of the world come and go every day.  They listen to the woes and tribulations of their clients.  Much like bartenders, they get an inside peek at people's lives that few professions have access to.  They see patterns that we can't see, because we're so immersed in the particular details of our own lives.

The stylist had hit on a very important concept.  Women who are used to being in control of their lives often feel as if they're helping their partners by "guiding" or "directing" them.  It can be quite scary to let go and allow their partners to make choices without offering any input or advice.

Beneath a person's need for control is the fear that everything will turn into a mess unless he or she is directly involved.  It is a simple equation.

Fear = Need to control = Lack of trust

And, as we all know, lack of trust in one's partner is poison for a relationship.

Men, in particular, find their wives' direct or indirect attempts to shape them stifling.  To marry, most men have to overcome a natural distaste for giving up independence and being accountable to someone.  When a wife begins to mother him and tell him what he needs to do for his own good, he begins to feel that she's questioning him.  He was good enough for her when they were courting; why isn't he good enough for her now?

One lesson that we can all learn is to let go of our need to control every aspect of our lives.  Let go and allow life to happen.  Don't give in to your fear of not knowing what's going to happen.  Enjoy the unpredictable nature of life and laugh when things don't turn out as you expect.  Learn to accept and love your partner as he is, even when his preferences and opinions are nothing like your own.

Best of all, when you let your partner be himself, make his own decisions without "helpful" suggestions from you, and choose options that you would never have considered, you get the wonderful benefit of a relationship that is surprising, spontaneous, and much more interesting than one controlled down to the dot on every 'i.'  You discover that you're not in a relationship with yourself; you're in a relationship with another human being whose internal world is vastly different from your own, and equally valid.  Because you no longer fear that he'll make the wrong decision, you will be able to relax and trust him in a way that you may have never been able to before.

Love and let go.

Today while I was at the gym, I was suddenly struck with amusement at the thought of how an outsider to our culture would see this.  Here is a room full of scantily attired people puffing and sweating as they work energetically to move plates of metal and run on spinning belts that take them nowhere.  I could just imagine a newcomer to Planet Earth stopping the nearest treadmill runner and asking them, "Don't you realize that you're going nowhere?"

Of course, the point of running on a treadmill isn't to get somewhere.  It's to improve fitness so that we stay healthy despite sedentary lives.

In some ways, I think that studying relationships and dating is a lot like running on a treadmill.  We can learn tons and tons about how to be more attractive, how to carry on a perfect conversation, and how to keep a relationship's fire burning, but we end up in the same place that we started: still single.

"But all these dating books and seminars and experts were supposed to get me a boyfriend!" comes the protest.

But learning about dating and relationships in isolation is just like running on the treadmill at the gym.  Unless you are out and about in real life, actually practicing what you've learned, you are not going to get anywhere.

That doesn't mean that all your research and study is going to waste.  Just as people have to go to school to become doctors or lawyers, so you are learning relationship skills that will serve you well in your future relationships.

I think that it's unfortunate that relationship skills are not taught in school; such skills are just as important for future happiness and success—if not more so—than knowing math and English.

Learn as much as you can about attraction, dating, and relationships, but realize that doing so won't automatically "get" you a man.  That isn't the point, anymore than running on a treadmill will help you reach a destination.

Instead, learn about dating and relationships to become a more fulfilled, healthy, and loving individual.  Do it to become irresistibly attractive in body, mind, and spirit.

But be careful to remember that such attractiveness is dependent on what you invest in yourself for your own sake, not for the sake of a man you hope to attract.

True attractiveness blooms naturally from a woman who is fulfilled, healthy, and loving for her own sake—not for the sake of a man.

So if you feel that sometimes you're spinning your wheels and getting nowhere, just remember that you are making progress.  You're investing in your own emotional fitness.