Today is the fifth anniversary of September 11. It's a date that needs no identification. Like the assassination of President Kennedy, it has marked a generation and defined the young 21st century.
It goes without saying that today should be a day of remembrance. As you go about your day – getting breakfast made, commuting to work, picking up the kids from school – I hope you find time for a moment of silence.
Even as all of us search for love, it's important to remember that all we have in life is the present moment. Even as you search for Mr. Right, life holds no guarantee that you'll be able to keep him forever.
If you have a man in your life right now, enjoy him. Enjoy every evening you spend together. Enjoy the silly conversations and the easy way you share the details of your day. In the midst of reminding him to get the groceries or arranging your weekend plans, give him a hug and thank him for being in your life. You're lucky to have him, just as he's lucky to have you.
There's a fantastic story in the New York Metro about the 9/11 widows and how they've accepted the challenge of moving on with their lives. For those of us who've had to confront life after the loss of a partner – whether through death, divorce, or a breakup – the widows' grief reminds us of the stages of grieving and the mental tricks the mind will play to keep from having to confront the ugly reality of life without our beloved. The way the widows came together to support one another in groups like the GW ("Grieving Widows") reminds us how deeply we can rely on our female friends and family members to understand what we're going through and offer us their ears to listen and shoulders to lean on. And the widows' resilience as they began laughing again, vacationing again, and – yes- dating and loving again, reminds us that we don't have to carry our grief with us forever. Even though you may have loved your previous partner beyond belief, you honor him most by taking that fierce, deep love and sharing it with others.
According to Dr. Judy of the New York Daily News, the meaning of 9/11 is greater than tragedy: it's also about reminding ourselves what's important and finding new resolve to connect with our loved ones. She believes that, "like a wedding anniversary, birth of a child or death of a loved one, September 11 is a 'marker' date that can serve as a turning point to turn your life – and your relationship – around."
Life is too precious – as is love – to live each day on autopilot, repeating the same old patterns and having the same old arguments.
If you're seeking a way to honor those who died in 9/11 in a way that reflects the lessons learned in the five years since it happened, then might I suggest that you think of one person in your life whom you've been unable to forgive, and give them a call?
Forgiveness frees us. In forgiveness, you let go of the baggage that keeps poisoning the present. Forgiveness – of ourselves as well as others – allows us to move on.
And that, ultimately, is the best way to honor the dead: to appreciate, respect, and honor the gift of life.
A friend recently sent me five simple rules to be happy, and I found them so beautiful that I wanted to share them with you.
- Free your heart from hatred.
- Free your mind from worries.
- Live simply.
- Give more.
- Expect less.
Although these five rules are simple, they can be so difficult to practice. Take the first rule: to free your heart from hatred.
It can be so hard to release the angry feelings we have when someone we've cared about treats us badly or rejects us rudely. I know so many women who hang on to angry feelings about their ex-partners. Every time dates are discussed, the old stories are brought out: reasons not to trust men, the shortcomings all men have, and why being single is better than risking getting hurt again.
By being unable to forgive and let go, these women end up blaming or being suspicious of all men. In their hearts, they've judged the male race and found them guilty. Yet buried beneath that hatred is a part of them that wishes their judgment wasn't true: a part of them that longs for harmony and intimacy.
Alison Armstrong from PAX Programs teaches a seminar called Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women. In the seminars, women are asked to make a vow. No more men-bashing. No more generalizing about all men on the basis of a few individuals. No more making sweeping assumptions about "all men." No more treating men as the enemy.
A friend of mine who frequently attends the PAX seminars told me that the vow is oddly liberating, yet challenging. She said that she never realized until that day how often she spoke negatively about men.
Think about it. How often have you said one of the following?
"Men don't have a clue what we women do for them."
"Women have to do everything for men; they're incapable of taking care of themselves."
"All men want is sex."
"Guys are just looking for a good time; they don't care about who they hurt in the process."
"Men are so stupid sometimes."
"Why can't men be more like women?"
When you prepare your heart for happiness, the first step you need to take is to free your heart of all lingering negativity towards men.
Forgive your exes. No matter what they did to you, it is in the past. Don't allow them to continue to damage your life by leaving you with a lingering suspicion or distrust of men. Realize that your exes were simply human; like all humans, men and women alike, they made mistakes. Forgive them and let it go.
Consider attending one of Alison Armstrong's seminars. If you can't attend, then at the very least make a promise to yourself: you will stop men-bashing. Even if a group of your female friends start talking about the 101 ways in which men fall short of perfection, make a vow to yourself that you won't join in. Men aren't perfect, but neither are women.
As you learn to enjoy the company of men, appreciating the ways in which they are different from women, not holding a grudge against any man, you'll find that something incredible happens. Men will start seeking out your company. You'll find strange men striking up conversations with you. Men can tell when they're in the presence of a woman who loves and appreciates men. In fact, it's one of the most attractive traits women can have.
And if it makes you happier, why not give it a try?
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