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Many of us have no clue what a man wants in a relationship. If we're cynical, we may think he just wants sex, someone to keep him from feeling alone, or the status of having a girlfriend. If we're romantic, we may think that he wants love, a life companion, and a mother for his children.
And if we look into our own hearts, into the many complex reasons we want a man in our lives, we often find a little bit of all of the above. The proportions may be different, but none of us can deny that the benefits of a relationship include companionship, intimacy, a change in status from "single" to "couple," love, partnership, and a shared future.
But what most of us don't know is how important relationships actually are for men. According to the National Marriage Project (supported by Rutgers University), marriage transforms men's lives in positive, healthy ways. Married men are more productive, earn more money, get sick less, think more about the future, are happier, and even have better sex lives. According to sociologist Steven Nock, marriage is also a rite of passage from boy to man.
The National Marriage Project 2004 study on "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why" reveals that the type of man most likely to look forward to a future of marital bliss is religious, has grown up in a family with both parents, and feels it's time to settle down. Surprisingly, most men (more than two out of three) do not believe that the purpose of marriage is having children.
Most of these men are married for the first time by the time they're thirty. Which brings us to the second group that the study examined: the non-marrying kind (22% of those surveyed). These are men who believe that marriage is not for them: they are significantly more likely to distrust women, fear losing their personal freedom, focus on the high divorce rate and bad marriages, and not want children. The study suggests that the notion of the thirty-something bachelor who's finally getting ready to settle down after sowing his wild oats is, in fact, a myth. Many thirty-something single men are undecided or even opposed to the idea of getting married anytime soon.
Therefore, if you're seeking a partner with long-term potential, here are 3 things you should look out for:
- He speaks positively of marriage or other people's marriages. If, on the other hand, he often predicts that a trouble marriage will end in divorce or points out the disadvantages and troubles in other people's marriages, then he may not hold a positive enough belief in marriage to want to make that commitment himself.
- He trusts women in general. Men who've had positive, healthy relationships with other women (such as his mother, sisters, female friends, co-workers) have often developed the skills needed to build and maintain a relationship with a partner. These men have a greater understanding of women, or at least have come to peace with gender differences, and are less likely to see women as the enemy.
- He's passed the stage in life where "fun and freedom" were his main focus. Even though most men will admit that their freedom is important to them, a man who's settling into the stage in his life where he can think about marriage will find that other goals appeal to him. He may think more about finding a soulmate. He may be more interested in building something lasting, such as a career, a house, or public service. If, on the other hand, he often jokes about the "ball and chain" of marriage and urges friends to treasure their freedom above a woman, he may not be the marrying kind.
To learn more about how you can attract the right kind of man for lasting love, click here and discover "How to Be Irresistible to Men," the ultimate guide for attracting your soulmate. Stop wasting your time with men who aren't worth it. Discover how to tell when a relationship is right for you. You'll be amazed at the quality of men you'll attract. Get it now at:
http://www.000Relationships.com/tomen/
One of the crazy things I have to do in this job to keep on top of the latest dating and relationship trends is to read books written by guys on how to seduce women.
As you can imagine, it's a real eye-opener!
It's so easy to forget that as much as we want to find that perfect guy and feel hopelessly incompetent at attracting cute men, there are just as many guys out there who feel hopelessly incompetent at approaching a woman they're attracted to and asking her out.
That's why one of my biggest pieces of advice to women is be approachable! Make it easy for guys to catch your eye, exchange smiles, and make small talk with you. You'll discover that what you once thought was a barren landscape without a single available guy has become a sea of men ready and willing to spend time with you.
But that's not the focus of today's article. Instead, what I want to talk about is a concept called "Oneitis."
Oneitis is a concept developed by the men's seduction community to describe "an obsession with a girl whom one is not dating; pickup artists believe that such an extreme fixation on one woman significantly lowers a man's chances of dating or sleeping with her." (The Game p.444). That definition, by the way, comes from one of the most respected pickup artists in the world: Neil Strauss, New York Times bestselling author and journalist for Rolling Stones magazine. His book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists is the gold standard for information about the seduction community, its history, its lingo, and its key players.
The idea is that when a man is fixed on learning seduction techniques to attract one particular girl because he worships the ground she walks on, he will inevitably fail, because she will sense his desperation-tinged adoration. There's nothing less attractive than a man who acts like a puppy dog, following you everywhere and leaping to do whatever he thinks will please you.
Once a man realizes that he has oneitis, he can shake off his infatuation by focusing his efforts on dating other women. Although he may kid himself at first that he is practicing flirting to hone his skills for "the One," he often finds in the process that the other women he's seeing have much to offer him. He starts enjoying himself and feeling more comfortable interacting with women. Soon, his preoccupation with "the One" is revealed for exactly what it is: an immature infatuation with a woman who in all likelihood isn't the best match for him. Although he still may enjoy her company, he won't live or die based on her acceptance or rejection of him. Strangely enough, this often triggers a turning point in their relationship: she will find him more interesting and attractive when his self-esteem is independent of her opinion of him.
Although this concept has been developed particularly for the male seduction community (see UrbanDictionary.com's definition of oneitis for a more crude description of the term), it is interesting to consider whether it has any relevance to us women.
In my last article on "Stop Him from Cheating," Kate wrote a comment where she said:
"'You deserve someone who’s into you.' – yeah great idea – but what if he is the only man you are interested in? You just dump him and move on? … I am not interested in just any guy. If he’s just not that into you I would like to know what to do so that he is into me. Chances are if he isn’t other guys aren’t into you either."
Being keenly interested in a man, to the point that you won't even look at other men because you're so certain that he's the one for you, certainly sounds like oneitis.
But doesn't labeling it as a "social disease" make a mockery of our very real feelings of attraction? Whereas men might be able to say that the cure for being obsessed with one particular girl is sleeping with ten others, most women aren't made that way. We usually fall in love with one man at a time. We have the right to be interested in one particular man and want to know how to make him feel the same way … don't we?
I went to seduction expert James Brito to ask how oneitis might apply to women. His answer was simple.
"If you're determined to get him, worrying night and day whether you're going to lose him, and obsessing over him, HE'S NOT THE ONE!"
Having an extreme case of oneitis is in itself proof that any relationship based on such an unequal distribution of attraction will be fatally flawed. If you like him a LOT more than he likes you, then you'll have more invested in the relationship than he will. You may find yourself changing yourself, giving up your own interests, and allowing him to control the relationship because you don't want him to leave. That's a recipe for disaster.
It's healthy to start out a relationship with a neutral caution. Avoid giving into your feelings of infatuation, adoration, and love for the first few months. Allow yourself to get to know him better. See what it feels like to actually be together. Ask yourself at each stage how you feel in the relationship. Don't allow your admiration of his personal qualities to override the more important question, which is how you both interact as a couple.
Easier said than done, I know. It's so much fun to fall head over heels for a guy. It's so hard to step back from how wonderful he is as a person to see how wonderful or not we are as a couple.
But remember your goal in the first stages of dating: it's to evaluate your relationship potential. It's not to confess your undying love. Leave that for once you're already in an established relationship moving towards greater intimacy and commitment.
And that, I think, is the sound principle behind the concept of oneitis. The purpose of dating isn't to find the "perfect" man; it's to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship.
One of the things Amy promised you, our dear 000Relationships readers, is my perspective on what makes women irresistible. It's an interesting topic, because there are so many ways for a woman to be irresistible: in physical, emotional, and sometimes just intangible ways. Then there are the innervating ways that women can just be plain…well, RE-sistable! So I've gone through my conversations with guys, married and unmarried, and come up with a list of female attributes we like–and hate. I hope this gives you a better understanding of what men find irresistible, which is quite often a balanced personality and lifestyle. Enjoy!
Attitude
LIKE:
-Men DO like nice girls…but not too nice. By "nice", we mean someone who's easy to get along with…but also someone who RESPECTS herself. Just like women don't like male pushovers, so males don't enjoy female pushovers, either. It's a balance, like almost every trait. There's always room for the "grey zone".
DON'T LIKE:
-A woman who falls into the black and white areas: a woman who's too nice, or too demanding (read: bitchy). Extreme personalities often lead to extreme disasters. Men like a challenge, so it's nice to have a woman who will challenge you–but all while not falling into "complete bitch" category. Again, it all comes down to finding the middle area.
Humor
LIKE:
-A girl who loves to laugh, and can appreciate different types of humor.
NOT FUNNY!:
-A girl who doesn't laugh at ANYthing, and gives a man a nasty glare or rude comment when she doesn't enjoy his sense of humor (unless, of course, it was completely offensive).
Careers
LIKE:
-A girl who knows what she wants, enjoys what she does, and works hard for it, but still finds time for friends and family. A nice, balanced life–which, admittedly, isn't always easy.
NOT GONNA "WORK" OUT!:
-A girl who knows what she wants, and gets it by shutting out all but those who can be of immediate benefit to her. To those who AREN'T of immediate benefit, she is cold, ruthless, and generally impossible to be around. Work comes first, you come last.
Emotions
LIKE:
-A girl who's open with her feelings, but doesn't make you feel guilty for her feeling them.
ON THE FLIP SIDE…
-A girl who's accepting of men's feelings, and doesn't make them feel like a "wuss" for having those feelings.
HATE!!!:
-A girl who's open with her feelings by screaming them, manipulating situations, and crying when she doesn't get what she wants.
ON THE FLIP SIDE…
-A girl who thinks of you as less of a man just for expressing your emotions. Don't want a woman who will nurture her man like a little baby, but don't want one who makes him feel like he has to be someone he isn't, either.
Hobbies
LIKE:
-A woman who supports your interests. She may not like them personally (say, fantasy baseball, or sports in general), but doesn't try to stop you from enjoying them and making them a part of your life, either. Generally open to the idea of doing something you love.
ON THE FLIP SIDE…
-A woman who shares her hobbies with you, but doesn't force them down your throat, either. If she likes ballet, asks you to come with her to a show, but doesn't get upset if you don't enjoy it as much as her.
DON'T LIKE, DON'T BOTHER WITH:
–A woman who not only hates your hobbies, but won't even consider the idea of doing something you enjoy. Even mentioning going to, say, a football game, is an attempt in vain.
ON THE FLIP SIDE…
-A woman who forces her hobbies down your throat. Gets pissed off when you don't enjoy something as much as her.
Intelligence
LIKE:
-Balanc is crucial. Guys don't want to feel like idiots in front of their girl, but don't want to feel like they're WITH an idiot, either. Some women are really intelligent, others are not. That's fine. What men want is a woman who makes them feel good about THEIR intelligence, by having things to talk about, but not feeling stupid in doing so.
THE SMART THING TO DO IS MOVE ON!:
–A woman who is very intelligent and feels she has to prove it (which only goes to show her own weaknesses). Breaks a man down to size for not knowing as much as her. JUST AS BAD, a woman who makes no effort to learn about new things. Open-mindedness, to other opinions and to new ideas, is key.
Sense of Adventure
LIKE:
-A woman in love with life, and its many possibilities. Not afraid to try new things out, even potentially embarrassing ones–read, karaoke and dancing.
LOVE!:
-A woman who may not particularly enjoy embarrassing things such as karaoke, but is willing to do them with you because she knows life is too short.
CAN'T FRIGGIN' STAND!:
-A woman who's afraid to try anything new at all. Content to stay at home with her poodles and soap operas.
Money
LIKE:
–A woman who will at least offer to pay, especially if she makes a decent wage. Also, a woman who has a purposeful occupation.
I WANT A REFUND!:
-A woman who EXPECTS men to pay for her (and not just dinner!), and refuses to spend a dime on meals and other expenses, even when she can afford it–or worse, makes more than the man!
A woman who's not willing to work, when she can, is just as bad a man who's too lazy to work.
Long-term relationships
LIKE:
-A woman who, despite wanting marriage, doesn't force it on a man. She knows that good things come to those who wait, and if it's meant to be, he'll bring it up himself. Quality of man counts more than quantity of engagement ring karats!
FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER MAN!:
-A woman so desperate for marriage that you can read it on her face. If he says he's not yet ready for a ring, she throws a tantrum and says he doesn't love her–which is ironic, because forcing him to commit is anything but love!
Appearances and Diet
LIKE:
-A woman who is content enough in her body to not whine about it all the time (especially while not doing anything to solve the problem), but motivated enough to go to a gym and genuinely try to do something healthful about her body/diet.
NEXT!:
-A woman who pays absolutely no attention to her body and diet. Men don't expect every women to have a super-model body, but we DO expect them to care about their health–how they look, and how they eat.
Sex
LIKE:
-A woman who is open to new things. If she brings energy and openness to the bedroom, her body type won't really matter.
DON'T WANNA GO NEAR:
-A woman who is afraid to try anything new, and who brings a closed-minded, even disdainful approach to sex. Makes a man feel bad for enjoying sex.
Travel
LIKE:
-For me personally, I love a girl who enjoys travelling. But in general, guys want a girl who enjoys travelling, but doesn't force him to travel when he doesn't like it. Encouraging him gently to explore, however, is definitely a good quality.
ADIOS!:
-A girl who's NOT open to travel at all. If she considers Canada a distant land, something's wrong! But on the flip side, a girl who can't stay still without having to fly somewhere, and who makes you feel guilty for not leaving with her, even when you have important things to get done, is not any better.
Trust
LIKE:
-A girl who's loyal! Is that any surprise? But also a girl who gives you trust, when you've shown you're worthy of it (i.e. clearly stand by her side, even when the going gets rough).
SAYONARA!:
-A girl who always thinks you're up to something, even when you're not. In general, a girl who puts no trust in you. (Hey, I admit, guys can be just as bad.)
Arguments
LIKE:
-A woman who is firm and doesn't fool around. Not a bitch, but not someone you can walk all over, either. Has respect for herself–and for you.
SHOOT ME NOW!:
-A woman who goes to the ends of the earth to prove her point. Gets angry just for THINKING something different than her. Generally unpleasant to be around, even with a minor squabble.
Hope you enjoyed this! Remember, every man is different. Some will want more of a caring, motherly type; and some men just love bitches (just check out Sheryl Argov's book, "Why Men Love Bitches!"). But all in all, I'm of the opinion that everything in life comes down to BALANCE, the shades of grey wedged between the extremes of black and white. The successful couples I know, are well-balanced. While either extreme may seem good on paper, it's usually the woman who's average just like him, that the average guy will go for.
See you next week!
A male voice on a women's blog…I'm flattered! But as a member of the 000 Relationships team, I guess it *is* my job. Still, it is always nice to receive a wonderful welcome from the inimitable Amy Waterman. I'm sure South America will deliver PLENTY of great "research" for our one and only female expert!
ANYway, hello and welcome! I am indeed James, and I am thrilled to be a part of Triple 0 Relationships. Like Amy said, I've been single, I've been through relationships–some good, some bad–and now, finally, I'm engaged. The marriage part awaits! Knowing you women, THAT will be an experience unlike any other! 🙂
And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. Delving into the secret world of pick-up artists, relationship experts, and dating in general, has all been lots of fun and, to say the least, illuminating. But what's really the most interesting part of my research is not finding out what guys think–I think that's pretty self-explanatory–but what GIRLS think. There's just no limit to what one can learn! I have to say that in all my encounters with women, whether in a relationship or just through work and friends, I've always come away with something. It's just part of the way women work, isn't it? You always have something to teach us. Never a dull moment, and that's what makes the world of women so mystifying, so exciting for us guys. You can hang out with guys and things will always seem the same. But add a girl…and voila! Change, excitement, passion, GROWTH. In the case of the girl I'm presently engaged to, I've come away with some real, undeniable personal growth, which I expect to only get better.
So, in that same vein, I hope YOU come away with something from what *I* have to say, as well. Stay tuned!
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