I've been looking for a new place to move.  A week ago I thought I had found the perfect place on paper, a amazingly-priced apartment right in the heart of the city next to the gardens, only to walk through it and discover that it was cold, dank, and had paint peeling off the walls.

Then, towards the end of the week, I found an ad for another fantastic-sounding place.  A friend and I drove past to check it out, and he recognized the apartment.  He'd spent quite a bit of time there with a former fling.  It was incredible, he told me.  Huge, sunny, recently painted, with a marble fireplace.  I wouldn't find a better deal in the entire city.  He even drew me a map of the floor layout.  I had to take it.

"Don't get me too excited!" I told him, laughing.  "I don't want to get my hopes up."  I called the rental management agency and made an appointment the following Monday to see it.   For the rest of the afternoon, my friend gushed about the apartment, how it would be perfect for me, how he could see me living there, how he'd help me move.

Monday came around.  I hadn't been able to sleep the night before, and my friend was more excited than I was.  Then, early that afternoon, the rental agent called up.

"I have bad news.  The current tenant has decided not to leave."

And that was that.

What does this have to do with relationships?

Not much, at first glance.  It has more to do with how we act when we don't get what we want.

When we decide we want something – a boyfriend, a new apartment, a new job – we feel so excited.  We embark on the hunt with energy and enthusiasm.  We pursue all leads, we don't dismiss any possibility out of hand, and we solicit other people's advice.  We're fired up with the vision of getting our dream.

But then one promising lead after another pans out.  We get our hopes up about a particular man/house/job, and then get our hopes dashed again.  Friends aren't much help with their reassurances.  "That's such a shame; that would have been perfect for you."  "Keep trying."  "Things will get better."

What happens?  We fall back into the trap of feeling bitter, or feeling like it will never happen for us, or feeling like we're destined for the doldrums.  Everyone else seems to get what they want with a modicum of effort; why not us?  Maybe we're just unlucky.  Maybe the universe has something against us.

And then we stop looking … or we look out of a sense of duty, without any real sense that we'll find something.

People who are truly successful in life know one thing to be true: when life knocks you down, get up again.  That's all there is to it.

If you've been looking for a relationship, or for some highly anticipated change in your life that doesn't seem to be materializing, remember that each missed opportunity doesn't doom your search to failure.

So what if you found a guy that seemed to be great but ended up having some major flaws?  At least you know what to avoid next time!

So what if you found what appeared to be "the perfect guy" and he wasn't interested?  At least you know guys like him are out there!

I have to admit … I did feel really discouraged yesterday.  I'd allowed my imagination to run wild about what I would do if I got the apartment before I actually got it.

But now I know better.  I know that apartments like that are out there.  Now, I just have to find one for myself.

I'd like to share these important lessons and inspiring messages that our readers have discovered in their journey to find happiness and love.

Alisa Audet (who has found her Mr. Right):

I truly believe when you focus on having fun together, you will be more successful in relationships.  I had a lot of guy coaches too!  They taught me what men truly want. They want to be appreciated, want to have fun (a playmate), and they want a caring woman.

I learned through experience that when a man hurts your feelings or doesn't give you what you were wanting not to make a big deal out of it.  Make a big deal out of what he does right and you'll find he won't mess up! Also, learn to communicate without hurtful words.

Couples that play together……stay together.

Respect, honor, and have fun! That is what makes dating successful! Most of all………be yourself!

The right person is worth waiting for.

Rachel Buenviaje:

Me and my current boyfriend have been going out for about a year now. Though there are things I find unusual in him but as our relationship progresses, I began to realize that compatibility is not everything. A couple could still survive despite their differences. Diversity in a relationship can set some space for growth, for both parties.
 
It may be difficult during the adjustment period, but I realized accepting your partner's weakness and appreciating his strengths is all that matters….
 
One thing I learned in love, never measure LoVe. Coz there's no measure in true love. All that matters is the way you feel for one another, and the way you value each other's presence.

Reena James:

God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. It's like God is preparing us and when we're ready, then we will meet the one. Breakups are hard and hurtful, but that's God's exam to us in life. 

Sarah forwarded me the following consultation she did for a member of 000Relationships.com, and I felt that it was so beautiful that I asked her if I could share it with you here.  [Parts have been edited from the original consultation.]

Waking up and realizing you are running out of time to find a soulmate is a scenario that is not to uncommon for a number of women in their mid to late 30s. In fact, it happens all the time. But while this happens all the time, I am continually baffled why this happens. Where in society or in your own individual programming does it say that in order to have achieved you have to have a man? You want a man, yes, but outwardly believing that you are running out of time puts you in a destructive mindset in which you project your impatience and expectation upon others.

Your first step is to believe that it will happen. It will happen. And, in believing that you will find someone, you will start to live your reality. You may have been hurt in your previous relationships. That’s understandable. But you have also probably loved and been loved in your past relationships, too. Which part of your past do you choose to bring with you? The hurt, or the love?

Each relationship you are in offers you the opportunity to meet a different man and learn something more about yourself and the type of man you are looking for. Trying to recreate your past is not going to work. We need to stop comparing our future relationships to our past ones and have faith that each man we meet is going to be even better than the last.

My recommendation is to have some patience and enjoy living in the present. Enjoy each man you meet and each experience you have, and look upon each experience as bringing you closer to your destiny. The key to finding love again is to change your perspective and be in a position where you can understand and appreciate it when it comes. It may not be the consuming lust of your teenage years, but it may be packaged differently.

Focus on the journey, not the destination. 

You are meant to be single right now.

What a strange thing to say! Isn't our natural state to be in a relationship, and when we're single we're … well, lacking?

Of course not.  That isn't true at all.  But as a woman I am still very conscious that all the models of happiness I see in society – from Hollywood movies to family pressures – involve being matched up with a man who is one's soulmate. (One's soulmate, of course, has to be a man according to this ideal.  It can't be a female friend, or a mentor.)

Wait a moment!

Although many of us enlightened women like to think that we celebrate our single status and desire a relationship as an extension of our happiness, rather than the purpose and cause of it, we still respond to the cultural programming that tells us that we are incomplete if we don't have a man.

That same cultural programming shames the woman when her man cheats.  That same cultural programming blames the woman for not holding the relationship together.

Although we know in our minds that it's all a bunch of baloney, I don't think that there are many of us who can honestly state that we don't respond to those beliefs on a heart level.  Emotionally, we still feel shamed if we can't "get" a man.  We feel shamed if he leaves us.  We feel that it's our fault, somehow.

Our cultural programming is so powerful that many of us end up seeking out a relationship just because all of our female friends in relationships seem so happy.  We want to have what they have.

Yet what if you told yourself that, unlike them, you were meant to be single right now?  You were single because there was something that you had to do.  God is giving you the chance to be on your own because He wants you to learn something, or to develop a new skill, or move to the next level spiritually … and being single is the only way you can do it.

Wouldn't you want to know why you were single, and then take advantage of it?

Very few of us spend any time examining our belief systems about what it means to be single.  Socially we're told that being single is merely the limbo period between relationships.  But is it?

What if you were meant to be single right now?

What if it was your job to figure out what you're supposed to be doing with your single time and doing it?

Wouldn't you feel a lot more okay about being single?

Wouldn't you feel a greater sense of meaning and purpose in your life right now, rather than waiting for the time in which you have a partner?

You aren't single because you can't get a man.  You aren't single because you're not enough.  You aren't single because you're bad at dating.

You're single for a reason … and it's your job to find out that reason.

Once you do, then you'll have completed the reason for which you were single.  And then, magically, you'll find that relationship opportunities open all around you.

Does that sound too airy-fairy?  Perhaps.  But it can also make your single life much more wonderful and meaningful than an endless search for a partner.

By now, most of you know that my colleague Sarah Paul (author of "How to Be Irresistible to Men") is having a baby!  We've known in the office for quite some time.  🙂 She's just been glowing.  This is definitely where she's wanted to be in her life, and I know that she and Jason are going to be fantastic parents.

Many of my friends have been having babies recently.  It's that time in people's lives.  Five years ago, everyone was getting married except for me.  I was too busy traveling the world, having adventures, meeting tons of fantastic men, and enjoying every minute of it.  I didn't want to settle down; I had too much to do and see!

Now, I've finally reached the stage in my life where settling down appeals to me.  I've done most of what I wanted to do in my life, seen most of the places I've wanted to see, and staying in one place doesn't sound too shabby at all!

I'm not yet at the stage where Sarah's at.  She's been so happy with Jason that having a baby is the natural next step in her life.  All the inconveniences of being pregnant — who ever thought that buttoning up a winter coat could be such a chore! — are simply amusing events that she laughs off.  She keeps focused on the future.

The one part of it that saddens me — a purely selfish sorrow — is that when Sarah and Jason become new parents, they won't have time to do all the things we used to do together.  I'm not the only single woman who finds that as her friends have children, social events become less and less frequent.  Children change everything.  For my married friends, their lives are richer.  For me, I feel a small sense of loss for the time that we'll no longer spend together.

I went to a barbecue recently with another single friend.  We sat in the garden with paper plates balanced on our knees and watched as kids played recklessly with cardboard boxes, sitting in them, putting them over their heads, and falling over them.  Parents kept an eye out from the porch to make sure that no one hurt themselves.

Every so often some of the parents would detach themselves and come talk to us, shaking their heads in amusement.  I think they envied what they saw as our single, carefree lifestyle.  But as my friend said, "They've got the real prize.  They have partners who love them and children they love.  What they see in us is a false memory of their single days, without any of the loneliness or wasted nights in bars hoping to meet someone."

It is difficult being single and getting older … watching your friends marry, then have children.  But there's nothing wrong with being different from everyone else.  A male friend told me recently, "All of my friends are getting married.  I'm dating this girl that I really like, and I know that she wants to get married.  But I'm not ready yet.  Am I just being selfish?  Maybe I should just take the plunge and do 'the responsible thing.'  But then what if I regret it later?"

I hope that no matter where you are in life, love and romance isn't on your agenda simply because all of your friends have boyfriends, partners, or husbands.  Pressuring yourself to get married by a certain age or to have children by a certain age can cause havoc with your love life.  Give yourself a break and believe that the universe has great things in store for you.  There are so many men out there right now who will make great friends, even if they don't end up as boyfriends, so get out there and meet them for the pure joy of it, not because you expect something.

As for me, I know that Sarah's life is beautiful and perfect just as it is .. and so is my life.  We're both exactly where we're supposed to be. 

I've been going on a slew of blind dates from an online dating site recently.  It seems that every profile I put up attracts a different sort of person.  My last profile seemed to attract young, intense, focused entrepreneurs.  My current profile appears to have attracted intelligent artistic men.

It's strange how a online dating profile, like a resume, can highlight different aspects of yourself, each attractive to a different sort of guy.  My early efforts into online dating attracted a lot of immature young partiers.  I wasted hours chatting to men who lived so far away that we would never meet, and I spent ages composing carefully polite responses to men that I knew I'd never want to date.

Although I know much more than I did back then, my online dating efforts seem to follow the same pattern: I put up a profile, chat with a dozen or so guys, meet half of them, then end up with one really cool friend/romantic interest with whom I end up hanging out constantly for the next six months.

I tend to get discouraged with online dating sites.  It's like the old adage: "Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink."  There are so many men online, but finding someone you click with is hit or miss.  The effort involved in answering emails and sorting through "winks" can become too much when coupled with work and social activities.   After a month online, I end up removing my profile and spending more time on me rather than dating.

The great thing with taking a break from online dating is that when you get back into it, you have fresh enthusiasm.  I recreate my profile from scratch every time, with different photos, so that I can meet different sorts of people.  My most successful profile was when I was moving to a new country and men lined up to show me around.

Why was that particular profile so successful?  I think it was because men had a reason to meet me that wasn't to suss out the romantic possibilities.  Even if they weren't particularly attracted to me, they felt a friendly obligation to welcome me to the area and did it with pleasure.

And when romance happened, it struck without warning.  A friendly fellow thought that it would be a laugh to meet this traveler for a drink and a chat, and the attraction was immediate.  We ended up having a wonderful six-month relationship.

So what does that suggest about online dating?  That perhaps a better approach to meeting than the first casual coffee date is to meet one another for a reason.  Maybe he is into kayaking, and you'd like to learn.  Maybe your favorite museum has a new exhibit, and he doesn't know much about art.

When one of you has something to share, and the other one is willing to learn, then a friendly ground is established that promises that the date will be a positive experience with no pressure. 

I am always wary of online profiles that state that Bachelor or Bachelorette X is seeking for their soulmate.  We're ALL looking for our soulmate.  But I don't want to meet a possible online match knowing that I'm going to be immediately rejected if I don't fit his vision of the perfect mate.

I think that men feel this way, too.  Men will want to meet you if they think from your profile that they're going to have a great time chatting with you.  If they sense that your only purpose in being online is to find the guy of your dreams, then they may not want to put themselves up for rejection.

At any rate, I've had a couple of nice chats with lovely men.  No sparks yet, but I don't have any expectations.  I'm simply enjoying the experience of dating.

I didn't recognize him at first.  We walked into the hostel and glanced in the bar on our way up to the room.  There were a couple of guys drinking there.  "Is that your friend?" Daryn asked me.

I looked, but their backs were to us.  "I don't know.  I said I'd meet him at his room."

We went up to the second story of the hostel and knocked, but no one was in the room.  "Maybe they were in the bar," Daryn said.  So we trooped down again.

As we walked into the bar, the first guy in a white striped shirt turned around and smiled.  "Well, hello!"

Yep, it was him.

It's so surreal to meet someone that you had a fling with, years later, in a different country, when both of your lives are so different.  I'd met Ben (not his real name) back when I was working in a winery, sorting grapes for the harvest.  He was full of energy and enthusiasm for the wine industry, and he introduced me to the artsy wine bar scene.  At the time he was living in a fantastic house with a hot tub on the deck and a game room complete with pool table, wine cellar, and wide-screen television, where I watched Sex and the City for the first time.

Even though we only knew each other for a few months, I was always grateful to him for showing me what big city life could be like.  We zipped through Portland in his yellow convertible and browsed organic vegetables, Doc Marten shoes, Nike pedometers.  The city seemed full of possibilities, potential, and fascinating people I had yet to meet.

Meeting him here, so far from home, brought back memories of Portland.  It seemed strange not to remember our relationship as vividly as I remembered the city itself, its feel, its energy.  What I felt wasn't nostalgia for him but rather for the sense of possibility I felt at that time and place: the culture of youth, the celebration of being alive, and the promise of bright careers ahead.

So many of my past relationships have been like that.  When I think back on them with nostalgia, what I remember most isn't him and me, but rather the feelings I had at that point in my life.  For example, when I think of my first love, I remember how excited and aware I felt as I experienced the beauty of those emotions for the first time.  Yet the years have faded his face in my memory.

I realize that my journey through love has not been a journey from lover to lover, but rather a journey through myself.  Each relationship has taught me new ways of appreciating life.  My romantic history is not one of winning and losing but rather of seeing through ever-renewed eyes.

Each relationship expands my sense of who I can be as I learn to enjoy his hobbies, understand his world view, take pleasure in his tastes, respond to his rhythms.  I'm not leaving behind my self: I'm becoming greater than I was before.

If we limit our lives to what we like, to how we think, to what we want, then we're keeping ourselves constricted in a tight cage of identity.  Loving gives us the gift of opening up our cages and allowing us to dissolve our singularity into something greater.

Even when he leaves us, or we leave him, we carry part of him with us: the way he thought, his mannerisms, his favorite books or music or shops.  We can appreciate more of life because he shared his world with us.

Yet, last night, I didn't share these thoughts with Ben.  Instead, we chatted and drank and caught up with stories until it was time to go home.  I promised to give him a call next time I was in Portland, and he promised he'd be back this way again.

And instead of thinking about him on the way home, I simply thought of Portland and how wonderful it will be to experience the city again. 

My colleague Andrew loves Dr. Phil for his no-nonsense, get-real approach to relationships.  Friday, as I was leaving the office, I passed Andrew's desk.  My attention was caught by a book with a big red heart on the cover and a familiar smiling face.  It was Dr. Phil's Love Smart: Find the One You Want – Fix the One You Got.

"Andrew won't notice," I thought, as I picked up the book and slipped it in my bag.  "And I need some weekend reading."

Now, to be completely up front, I am not a Dr. Phil fan.  I feel that Dr. Phil tends to make gross generalizations in his attempt to be "real" with his clients.  Personally, I prefer to empathize with people first, understand them, then encourage them towards a new perspective or way of behaving.  The shock treatment of a cold splash of reality in the face just seems, to me, unnecessarily cruel.

My personal opinion notwithstanding, I was excited to learn what Dr. Phil had to say about relationships.  So, on my commute home that night, I opened the book with anticipation.

A half hour later, I'd had enough.  I put the book down and stowed it carefully in my bag to return to Andrew on Monday.  I didn't even want to look at it again.

What happened?  It all started on page 6.

Dr. Phil tells us that dating is a game, and the only reason any of us is single is because we don't know how to play it.  Let's listen to him in his own words.

Let me start us off by telling you two things that I know for absolute, drop-dead certain.  First: if you do not have what you truly want in a relationship, then you are right, something is seriously wrong.  …[T]he problem is not you.  You are not a bad person…. (pp. 5-6)

Whew, glad we got that out of the way.  So none of us are bad people, but if we're still single (when we wish we weren't), then something is "seriously wrong."  Oh dear.  Never fear: Dr. Phil can fix us.

The second thing I know for absolute, drop-dead certain is that you are not thinking right or playing the game well; otherwise you would have what you want. (p. 6)

So the reason we're not in good relationships is because we're lousy at playing the dating game?

Yep, says Dr. Phil.  In fact, the only reason you're not married right now is because "you apparently don't know how to get in the game or play the game once you do" (p. 6).

I disagree … quite vehemently.

I'll talk about my own beliefs in a moment, but right now let me share the perspective of Dr. Barbara De Angelis.  In her wonderful book, The Real Rules, Dr. De Angelis describes an unhealthy belief that sounds suspiciously like Dr. Phil's.

The premise of THE OLD RULES is that your purpose is to find a man and get him to marry you.  You are the hunter, and he is the prey.  Your goal is to catch him.  But THE OLD RULES say that a man won't naturally want to make a commitment to you–he doesn't want to be caught–so somehow, you have to trick him into it…. (p. 19)

In other words, to get a man, you have to play the game.

Even though Dr. Phil may not agree with the Old Rules (as described in Ellen Fein's and Sherrie Schneider's book The Rules), his language sounds suspiciously Rules-esque.  For example, we learn in Chapter 10 of Love Smart how to "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, Take 'em Home."  True hunter language.

Marriage seems to be the natural culmination of the dating cycle for Dr. Phil.  It's the happy-ever-after ending that is our reward for playing the game well.  In fact, his five-step series of goals to CLAIM what we want includes: envisioning our perfect relationship, finding the perfect person, seducing him, getting him to "want what you want long term" (p. 5), then marrying him and getting "busy being happy!" (p.5). 

Does this match Barbara De Angelis' description of the Old Rules, in which "the goal of a woman's life is to find a man and get married" (p. 11)?  Sounds like it to me.

Barbara De Angelis explains the problem with game-playing beautifully when she says:

Playing games is for women who've been convinced that they aren't intelligent enough to figure out the right way to communicate or behave with a man, and instead must memorize absurd lists of do's and don'ts….  Playing games is stupid, and you're not stupid. (p.39)

So, Dr. Phil, I won't be learning how to play the game better so that I can get the relationship that I can deserve.  Instead, I'll be taking a leaf from Barbara De Angelis' book.  I'll be focusing on learning how to become emotionally generous, being honest (with myself AND others) about my feelings, and remembering that everyone (even men) needs love and reassurance.

As for myself, I believe that the reason that most of us are not in good relationships yet is because we still have some growing and learning to do.  The time isn't yet right.  Forcing things will just hook us up with the wrong men and hold back our own personal growth and development.

This doesn't mean that you should sit back and assume that the universe will bring Mr. Right into your life (though, if you've done your spiritual homework, you've got a very good chance of this happening).  What it does mean is that instead of focusing on how you can get Mr. Right, you should be focusing on how to grow as a person: how to become more open-hearted, loving, and caring to EVERYONE you encounter.

When I focus on becoming a more open, genuine, and loving person, I know that I will naturally draw the right man into my life.  I don't have to worry about it.  I don't have to waste time envisioning, judging, or evaluating men based on my character profile of Mr. Right.  I believe in the law of the universe that states that we attract what we are.  I feel confident knowing that my ability to attract the right men into my life is proof that I am developing my character in the direction that I want to go.

Best of all, because I am not focused on getting a relationship, I have faith that the right relationship will just happen.  Have you ever noticed how the best things happen when you're not looking for them?  If you follow the advice of other dating gurus and focus all your efforts on meeting and interviewing dozens of potential mates in the attempt to find the "right" one, then judge your success on whether you can "Bag 'em, Tag 'em, [and] Take 'em Home," you're almost ensuring that you won't get the best possible relationship that the universe has in store for you.

One of my favorite songs is one by Garth Brooks called "Unanswered Prayers," in which he tells the story of meeting his high school sweetheart after many years have passed.  By this time, he is married to another woman.  Yet such is the power of first love that he can still remember how he used to pray to God every night to make this other woman his forever.

At first, it seems that he'll be tempted to reconsider his marriage vows.  Yet as they chat, he realizes that they don't have much in common any more.  He looks at his wife by his side, and such is his gratitude and appreciation for her presence in his life that he thanks God for unanswered prayers.

We don't always know what is best for us.  Sometimes the greatest tragedy is actually a blessing in disguise.  And that, I suppose, is the message that gets lost in Dr. Phil's Love Smart.  Sometimes, the smartest thing you can do with love is to simply allow it to happen as it should.

On Friday night a friend and I went out on the town.  In my city, the nightclubs and bars don't really start humming until 1am, so we waited until nearly midnight to head out.

Our taxi dropped us off on the Strip, a series of bars along the river, with outdoor seating warmed by gas torches and lit by strands of Christmas lights.  We were disappointed to see that despite the warm night, the bars weren't packed.

We chose the busiest of the bars to start the evening: the Tap Room, the bar of choice for businessmen and professionals.  The average age of patrons at the Tap Room was mid-forties.  Most were dressed in slacks and button-up shirts, as if they'd just come from work.  The women at the Tap Room were wives or girlfriends with expensive jewelry and exquisite accessories.  Everyone stood in small groups, drinking wine or glasses of rum and coke, intently focused on their own conversations.

We felt rather left out at our quiet outdoor table, so we filled the time by people-watching.

The best part about the Strip is that you can watch the parade of passers by.  On the street in front, taxis stopped, letting out pairs of beautiful women.  Groups of young men strode past, drunkenly laughing and shoving one another.  Couples paused in front of the bars, discussing whether they wanted to stop.  It was so much fun to watch this cross-section of the city on parade.

After some time, I began to notice a curious pattern.  The most beautiful women—the ones with perfectly straight blond hair, slender bodies, and gorgeous clothes—acted as if they were the stars of the show.  They tossed their hair back for the benefit of everyone watching them.  They leaned over and kissed the taxi driver for the voyeuristic young men.  They walked arm in arm with their female friends, presenting a unified front against anyone who might approach them.

My friend who was with me said, "No normal guy would even have a chance with one of those girls.  He'd get shot down!"

"But look at that girl," I said.  One girl, who looked like a model, was talking to a large, flat-faced man the size of a football player without the benefit of muscles.  Even though he was not even close to her in the looks department, she held his arm, whispered in his ear, then touched his chest flirtatiously.  "Do you think they're together?" I asked.

My companion mused, "Maybe they're just friends."

As we observed, we noticed that the guy kept glancing at the crowd around them, as did she.  Even though she was talking to him, both of them seemed more interested in watching who else was around them … and perhaps who was watching them.

The scene illustrated the fact that beautiful women don't always date handsome men.  Instead, women who are aware of the status that their beauty affords them tend to date men who are equally status-conscious.  In other words, (please forgive the language) "bitches attract jerks."

It is a strange phenomenon.  For some reason, women with aloof, stand-offish attitudes tend to be attracted to men with arrogant, cocky attitudes.  Attitude attracts attitude.

In the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists by Neil Strauss, Neil explains how any man—no matter what his looks—can date models, actresses, even strippers through a sophisticated series of techniques designed to prick through her attitude and establish his superiority.  Once a man can make a beautiful woman feel inferior, the theory goes, he has her.  She will then spend the rest of her night trying to prove herself to him and win his favor back.

As I tried to explain this to a friend, he didn't seem surprised at all.  "So?  We've always known this.  We know that if we want girls falling over us, all we have to do is be jerks.  But it's just not worth the effort."

It seems to be true, then.  Be a jerk and you'll attract women.  Be a bitch and you'll attract men.

In fact, a popular book by Sherry Argov claims just that.  Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl teaches women how acting like a bitch can actually make men fall all over them.

But for me, the question becomes … if bitches attract jerks, why in the world would you want to do it?

Acting aloof, superior, and like an actress on a movie set will definitely get men's attention.  It will get their competitive blood flowing.  They'll see you as a challenge that they want to conquer.  Play it cool, and only the cockiest, most confident men will approach you.

But as a result, all of the kind, ordinary guys watching you will feel intimidated.  Nice guys won't even step up to the plate.  The honest, genuine men who don't play games won't go to the effort of approaching you; instead, they'll focus their energy on more open, friendly girls.

So many women say, "I can't seem to meet any nice guys."  The problem in most cases is that they've memorized the thinking that tells them that they'll only be able to attract men if they dress like models, act aloof, avoid smiling or seeming too interested.  The only men that behavior attracts are men who are interested in the conquest rather than sharing their hearts.

I left town that night in a contemplative frame of mind.  What would happen, I wondered, if one of those beautiful women opened up her heart and smiled, acted friendly, chatted with everyone who spoke to her, and made everyone feel at ease?   She'd be swamped with admirers.  She wouldn't be able to get any peace, because her outer beauty would be matched by inner beauty.  Perhaps that is exactly why these women acted defensive.  They were protecting themselves from too much attention.  It is safe to have men admire you from a distance, not so safe when they keep coming up to you without a moment's rest, trying their lame pickup lines in hopes of earning your favor.

There is no easy answer to these questions.  Ultimately, each of us makes the decision about what attitude we will put on when we go out on the town.  But what we must realize is that the attitude we choose is just as important as what we decide to wear.  It will affect who approaches us … and who doesn't.

When I first started working at 000Relationships.com, I wondered who the women were who wrote in to thank Sarah Paul (author of "How to Be Irresistible to Men") from all over the world.  Were they teenagers wanting to have greater success with boys?  Were they women in their thirties getting ready to marry?  Or were they like my female friends: lovely, intelligent women of all ages and ethnicities who wanted to understand their relationship with men better?

Before I came to 000Relationships.com, I finished a master's degree in writing in the UK.  I'd spent my last summer there living in a flat with an English friend, Eve.  Eve was a mother, university student, and recent divorcé.  Mid-life, she was starting over again.  Yet instead of feeling filled with fear for being on her own for the first time since she was a teenager, Eve embraced her new life.  She tackled classes with the same youthful spirit she employed playing with her children.  She dated, went clubbing, started the gym, and worked with the elderly in her spare time.

The sheer amount of activity in her life staggered me.  I'd established a simple habit of working on my thesis, working out, and seeing friends, and that was enough for me.  But Eve met men everywhere: on her routes, at clubs, on the net.  Her bubbly, vivacious attitude warmed men tired of rejection on the clubbing circuit.  They could always count on Eve's laughter and smile.

I learned so much that summer about men and about the power of a positive attitude.  Even though Eve faced greater challenges than I did, she kept a positive outlook in public and let her joy radiate outwards even when inside she was feeling sorrowful.  I knew that her divorce and being away from her children while at university was difficult for her, but she never let that be an excuse to doubt her life or the importance of what she was doing.  She reached out to all of us in love and kept her anger at the divorce firmly directed at the person who was responsible for it, not at life in general.

Over the past year at 000Relationships.com, I learned that many of the women wanting more information on how to have better relationships and attract the right men were not teeny-boppers or inexperienced.  They were women like Eve.

Amazing, incredible women.

Women who knew that being good at relationships is not a skill we are born with.

Women who knew that the path to excellence in anything, including relationships, is research, practice, and living the message.

These women had had long-term relationships before, and this time around they wanted to know how to do it right. They had so much love to give men, if they could only get over the shields and defenses they'd built up from previous rejections.

I have a message for all those women out there who turn to us or to other relationship experts seeking the magic key to love.

There is hope.  Never ever believe there's not hope.  Happiness lies ahead for you, if you can only quiet that nagging voice inside that tells you to doubt.  That voice is wrong.  Don't doubt.  Believe in yourself.  Believe in your potential for happiness.

Women have found the man of their dreams at 17, at 29, at 44 or 75.  There is no age cut-off date for love.

There are so many men dreaming of love right now, just as you are dreaming of love.  They want you to love them as much as you want them to love you.  If you can learn to give the men in your life love right now (friends, family members, the bus driver, the postman, even strangers!), then love will be given back to you in abundance, as much as you ever dreamed of.

That's a law of the universe.  What you give is what you shall receive.  A person who is stingy with love (which I know you are not) will find that love rarely knocks on their door.

Have faith, hope, and love.  No matter what your situation, how old you are, how much time you have, there is always a door in your heart on which love can come knocking.