Well, while Amy is away this week she asked me to do this week's post. I'm Andrew Rusbatch and I am the co-author of Save My Marriage Today and regular blogger on www.savemymarriagetoday.com/live. I have worked alongside Amy in dealing with relationship issues for a number of years. Many of you will know me as the guy in the How To Be Irresistible To Men video course, and if you flick up to the "About" tab at the top of the page, you will see a picture of me doing my best to smile and look sexy!

So when I was thinking about something interesting to write, one that came into my mind was thoughts about cohabitation and what sort of effect this has on relationships. Looking at the figures, around 4.9 million adult couples of the opposite sex live together unmarried. Compare this to around 400 000 couples 45 years ago, and we see a social trend that some social scientists believe is going to have significant effects on future marital disruption and spending habits of a major sector in our society. Heady stuff huh?

Let's be honest though, cohabitation is not something new to most people nowadays, though attitudes both for and against cohabitation are still quite strong. Moral rights campaigners indicate it is part of a slippery slope toward a new breed of society with scant regard to commitment, while others say it is a responsible trial-run for marriage, without the associated cost of divorce and asset separation. Is he, or isn't he, the-one?

I like to think of cohabitation as one of the many necessary steps in a relationship, and liken it to marriage with trainer-wheels. The belief that living together before marriage is a useful way to find out whether you are really compatible and avoid a bad marriage or costly divorce is now widespread among most young people. But it still has the capacity to teach us something…

I thought I knew a lot about my partner until I shifted in with them, and I understand they thought the same about me. Gee, was I in for a shock! I have lived with a couple of partners, the first being when I was around 21 years old. I rather foolishly assumed that being a girl she would have the same careful attention to detail around the home that my four older sisters did. I knew how to cook and clean, and there was nothing around the home that I did not know how to do. Living with a partner at that time really opened my eyes to how some people live, and I was horrified at the time to discover how different we really were. After living together for some time we both discovered that we were incompatible, and we parted company soon after. I called it my awakening, when I finally realized how different some of us can be from others. In that relationship a lot of long-held beliefs were shattered. However, I learnt a very valuable lesson.

When you don't live together, your partner only sees the side of you that you want them to see. They don't get to see you when you are grumpy, tired, sick, or your gross habits. I know, you will all say something here, but everyone has at least one gross habit, even if it is something as simple as leaving your long hair to block the sink or not rinsing the shower out after you have shaved your legs. Sometimes the smallest things can drive home the reality that your partner is not perfect and is a person like the rest of us after all.

So if you know so little about your partner, how can you possibly make a considered decision to spend the rest of your life together? Perhaps that's where cohabitation has a role to play.

They say falling in love with someone is a leap of faith. Depending on how well you know your love will determine how far this leap is. So is cohabitation a way of minimizing the risk of divorce, or is it seen as a cheap and easy alternative to marriage?

Well you need to start by going into it with your eyes wide open. Before shifting in with a man, consider why you are doing it. Is it because you want it, is it because it will make it more convenient, or is it the all-crucial "moving it to the next level"? Is this really marriage with trainer wheels? 

Women will analyze a situation and examine possible interpretations of what this move may mean and what implications this is going to have on the state of the relationship, both now and in the future. Most guys simply see it as somewhere pretty to stick your stuff and to be nurtured and don't think too much into the future.

So the question then comes, when is an appropriate time in a relationship for each of you to shed your independence and singledom and entertain the idea of cohabitation? 6 days into the relationship? 6 weeks? 6 months? 6 years even?

And do you think it leads to a stronger marriage?

One of the crazy things I have to do in this job to keep on top of the latest dating and relationship trends is to read books written by guys on how to seduce women.

As you can imagine, it's a real eye-opener!

It's so easy to forget that as much as we want to find that perfect guy and feel hopelessly incompetent at attracting cute men, there are just as many guys out there who feel hopelessly incompetent at approaching a woman they're attracted to and asking her out.

That's why one of my biggest pieces of advice to women is be approachable!  Make it easy for guys to catch your eye, exchange smiles, and make small talk with you.  You'll discover that what you once thought was a barren landscape without a single available guy has become a sea of men ready and willing to spend time with you.

But that's not the focus of today's article.  Instead, what I want to talk about is a concept called "Oneitis."

Oneitis is a concept developed by the men's seduction community to describe "an obsession with a girl whom one is not dating; pickup artists believe that such an extreme fixation on one woman significantly lowers a man's chances of dating or sleeping with her." (The Game p.444).  That definition, by the way, comes from one of the most respected pickup artists in the world: Neil Strauss, New York Times bestselling author and journalist for Rolling Stones magazine.  His book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists is the gold standard for information about the seduction community, its history, its lingo, and its key players.

The idea is that when a man is fixed on learning seduction techniques to attract one particular girl because he worships the ground she walks on, he will inevitably fail, because she will sense his desperation-tinged adoration.  There's nothing less attractive than a man who acts like a puppy dog, following you everywhere and leaping to do whatever he thinks will please you.

Once a man realizes that he has oneitis, he can shake off his infatuation by focusing his efforts on dating other women.  Although he may kid himself at first that he is practicing flirting to hone his skills for "the One," he often finds in the process that the other women he's seeing have much to offer him.  He starts enjoying himself and feeling more comfortable interacting with women.  Soon, his preoccupation with "the One" is revealed for exactly what it is: an immature infatuation with a woman who in all likelihood isn't the best match for him.  Although he still may enjoy her company, he won't live or die based on her acceptance or rejection of him.  Strangely enough, this often triggers a turning point in their relationship: she will find him more interesting and attractive when his self-esteem is independent of her opinion of him.

Although this concept has been developed particularly for the male seduction community (see UrbanDictionary.com's definition of oneitis for a more crude description of the term), it is interesting to consider whether it has any relevance to us women.

In my last article on "Stop Him from Cheating," Kate wrote a comment where she said:

"'You deserve someone who’s into you.' – yeah great idea – but what if he is the only man you are interested in? You just dump him and move on? … I am not interested in just any guy. If he’s just not that into you I would like to know what to do so that he is into me. Chances are if he isn’t other guys aren’t into you either."

Being keenly interested in a man, to the point that you won't even look at other men because you're so certain that he's the one for you, certainly sounds like oneitis.

But doesn't labeling it as a "social disease" make a mockery of our very real feelings of attraction?  Whereas men might be able to say that the cure for being obsessed with one particular girl is sleeping with ten others, most women aren't made that way.  We usually fall in love with one man at a time.  We have the right to be interested in one particular man and want to know how to make him feel the same way … don't we?

I went to seduction expert James Brito to ask how oneitis might apply to women.  His answer was simple. 

"If you're determined to get him, worrying night and day whether you're going to lose him, and obsessing over him, HE'S NOT THE ONE!"

Having an extreme case of oneitis is in itself proof that any relationship based on such an unequal distribution of attraction will be fatally flawed.  If you like him a LOT more than he likes you, then you'll have more invested in the relationship than he will.  You may find yourself changing yourself, giving up your own interests, and allowing him to control the relationship because you don't want him to leave.  That's a recipe for disaster.

It's healthy to start out a relationship with a neutral caution.  Avoid giving into your feelings of infatuation, adoration, and love for the first few months.  Allow yourself to get to know him better.  See what it feels like to actually be together.  Ask yourself at each stage how you feel in the relationship.  Don't allow your admiration of his personal qualities to override the more important question, which is how you both interact as a couple.

Easier said than done, I know.  It's so much fun to fall head over heels for a guy.  It's so hard to step back from how wonderful he is as a person to see how wonderful or not we are as a couple.

But remember your goal in the first stages of dating: it's to evaluate your relationship potential.  It's not to confess your undying love.  Leave that for once you're already in an established relationship moving towards greater intimacy and commitment.

And that, I think, is the sound principle behind the concept of oneitis.  The purpose of dating isn't to find the "perfect" man; it's to find the perfect combination made up of two human beings in relationship.