I love receiving emails from readers.  Everyone has their own unique story and particular question they want answered.  Despite the variety of situations, however, I've noticed some of the same themes recurring.

• How do I get him to propose?
• How do I get him back?
• My man is cheating. How do I save our relationship?

Whenever I read about a woman's heartache when she has found out that her husband/boyfriend/partner is cheating on her but she can't give up on him or the relationship, I feel my heart go out to her.  Being cheated on is one of the most painful, humiliating, and heartrending experiences we can have in a relationship.  But what should we do when it happens to us?

My gut instinct is always to go with Greg Behrendt's advice:

"He's just not that into you if he's having sex with someone else." (He's Just Not That Into You p. 73)

If you haven't got a copy of Greg's book, He's Just Not That Into You, I highly recommend it.  Among Greg's other pearls of wisdom are:

"100% of guys polled said they have never accidentally slept with anyone." (p. 83)

"If something is wrong in a relationship, here's a bright, mature idea: talk about it.  Don't let any man blame you for their infidelity.  Ever." (p. 78) 

For Greg, it's cut and dried.  Even if your cheating man says that it was an accident, or that he was drunk, or that it was your fault because you weren't filling his needs, take it from Greg: those are excuses.  Dump him and move on. You deserve better.  You deserve someone who's into you.

Yet for many women, Greg's response doesn't seem like a good enough answer  When it comes to relationships, it is hard to see the situation in black and white.  We women excel in seeing shades of gray.  We excel in understanding someone's point of view and overlooking behaviors that should be unacceptable for the sake of our love for our imperfect man.

Unless said behavior happens to someone we care about.  I protect my female friends fiercely.  When they get cheated on, it's out with the jerk and in with someone who cares for her as much as I do.

I've seen female friends cheated on and end up staying with the guy even when the girl he was sleeping with on the side became his new girlfriend, making my friend the woman he's cheating on the new girlfriend with!

Confusing?  Yes.  And when children are involved, the cheating situation becomes much more complicated.  Greg's guide is designed for people who are dating, not married.  What happens if your man cheats on you in the course of your marriage?  Shouldn't you try to save your marriage for your children's sake?

Forgive me for a diversion into evolutionary biology, but according to anthropologist Helen Fisher, human beings are designed to be serially monogamous, with human "pair-bonds" lasting only four years before they naturally end.  Why?  Because four years are necessary for a man and a woman to stay together to raise a human child to the stage where it can survive without the mother being in constant attendance.  At that point, Fisher's theory goes, the craving for sexual variety overcomes the need to stay together.

Infidelity has been a feature of human relationships since the dawn of time.  Keeping a marriage together for 10, 25, even 50 years may be a fight against nature, but that doesn't mean that we're biologically driven to stray.  Culture, environment, upbringing, and so on are equally powerful forces.  A young person raised to value being faithful will find that he or she can easily overcome impulses to cheat because of his or her strong moral stance.

Ultimately, most of us find that all we can rely on when it comes to keeping a man from cheating is the folk wisdom passed down from our grandmothers.  One timeworn theory tells us that to keep our man from straying, all we have to do is give him unlimited:

• food
• sex, and
  
• praise.

Feed him, keep your sex life active and interesting, and stroke his ego with compliments, and your man will be so over the moon that he'll never look elsewhere for companionship.

On one level, this tried-and-true folk wisdom is good – food, sex, and praise are balms for the male spirit – but on another level it feels unfair.  It places the entire burden for a man's fidelity on the shoulders of his partner.  Are we as women to be responsible for keeping our men from straying?  Aren't some men more likely to stray anyway, no matter how perfect their partner?

Personally, I've made my decision.  If a man cheats on me physically or emotionally (since many affairs begin well before they reach physical intimacy), the relationship is over.  I deserve more than that.  As much as I may care for that person, I remind myself of what I am aiming for: the kind of love that endures over a lifetime.  We're not a good match if his eye keeps straying.

And I hold myself to the same standards: I never use the "male attention" trick to spur my partner into being jealous.  Letting my partner know that other men are interested in me in order to keep him keen is a form of manipulation.  It comes from insecurity, not love.

Ultimately, it's up to you.  All of us have the power to interpret infidelity in a different way.  For one person, it may be a betrayal of the relationship.  For another person it may be an all-too-human mistake.  For another person it may be the ultimate form of rejection.

But be aware that you have a choice. What will you accept?

Raise your hand if you've never been cheated on and you don't know anyone who's been cheated on.

Did you raise your hand?  If so, you are very lucky.  You still have that beautiful innocence that so many of us once had, when we still believed that what men told us in the heat of the moment was fact and not passion.

In the innocence of our first relationships, many of us would have built a future on a man's words, simply because we believed the literal truth of what he said.

Later, many of us experienced the hard lesson that a man can tell you that he loves you with all of his heart and that you're the only woman for him … but what he is expressing is the degree of his emotion at that moment through the inadequate vehicle of clichés that he knows you want to hear. 

We women know that words come more easily to us than to the average guy.  We're brought up to communicate, express our feelings, and connect through words.

Words don't come that easily for many men.  For many, their actions speak louder than their words.  A man who truly loves a woman will often show her how he feels through what he does for her, more so than through what he says.   But others see words as tools to achieve a purpose.  They know the words that women want to hear and can use that knowledge to their advantage.

It will always feel like a terrible betrayal to believe someone when he tells you that you are his one and only, that you occupy the entirety of his heart, and that he wants to be with you more than anything … and to find out that he's told other women the same thing.

It leaves us thinking that we can't trust any man with our hearts.

But things are rarely that simple.

There are many situations where it's clear to everyone but the woman involved that the man is cheating.  She could see the signs herself, but she refuses to look.

That's because we so often see what we want to see.  We hear what we want to hear.

There's no way to predict whether a man will cheat, but there are ways to minimize the chances of it happening.

1.  Make sure your expectations and intentions – and his – are clear from the start.  Don't assume monogamy is a given.  If you haven't spoken about whether you're exclusive, then assume you're not.

2.  Don't let the first flush of romantic love (that potent combination of infatuation and lust) blind you.  He is who he is.  If he enjoys the attention of other women, has had lots of casual flings in the past, and is a "bad boy," then don't assume that the love of a good woman will transform him.  Remain as realistic as you can.  If you can't see him clearly because of the power of your emotions, then ask your friends or people who've known him a while to give you an honest assessment of the situation.

3.  Don't assume that because he treats you like a princess, he isn't treating another woman the same way.  We often feel so flattered, pampered, and happy when a man spoils us that our reasonable self goes out the door.  Reason's caution lights get blinded by lust's neon glow.  We can't imagine that anyone who would treat us that well would be capable of doing it for more than one woman.  Remember to keep your head on straight even when your heart is racing.

4.  Always keep in mind that whatever he says to you, he has probably said to another woman in the past.  It is so hard to recognize that we aren't our boyfriend's first and only lover – or, at least, the only lover that matters.  All of us want to believe that he's never experienced this with another woman, that we're teaching him new depths of love and passion.  But if you're going to be realistic about a relationship, you have to recognize that you're both adults with histories.  You also both have personal goals and beliefs about what you want out of a relationship that might not be compatible – even though the relationship feels oh so right.  Have the courage to leave a relationship that isn't mutually respectful, no matter how great it might feel.

If you have been cheated on, remember … the proper response is not to distrust all men.  It's not to say that all men are liars.  Rather, just be wiser the next time around.  A bit more realistic.  Eyes a bit more wide open.

It's sad but true that relationships don't just take love.  They take smarts, too. 

I got my hair cut last night at my favorite hair salon, the one where all the stylists are quirky over-30s with piercings and a vast knowledge of the latest celeb and local gossip.  As the stylist blowdried my hair with practiced flips of the brush, she told me about a woman who had come in earlier to accompany her teenage daughter for a haircut.  The stylist had asked the daughter, "What sort of style would you like?"  The daughter wouldn't even look up.  Her shoulders were hunched.  She mumbled, "Dunno."  The stylist was surprised; usually, teenagers have a very clear idea of what they want.  There was an awkward silence, which the mother quickly filled.  "She'll have her hair like this and like this."

The stylist shook her head as she was telling the story.  "The mother was a control freak," she said.  "She kept telling me how to cut the girl's hair as I was cutting it.  'I'm a professional,' I told her.  'I've been doing this for 20 years.  I wouldn't presume to tell you how to do your job, so please trust me.'

"She's not the only one like that.  Another woman came in with her husband.  They were both getting haircuts.  She told the stylist exactly how she wanted his hair cut.  She wanted it like Hugh Grant.  Then her husband went off with one stylist, and I started doing her hair.  Once her husband was out of earshot, he told the stylist, 'I really don't want it like that.'   So they compromised with a softer cut.  When the wife saw it, she was furious.  She raised a huge fit. 'I didn't ask for it to be like that!'  'No,' the stylist said, 'but he did.'"

I shook my head.  "So sad.  But it's so common, partners needing to be in control."

The stylist continued.  "I was just thinking, 'So what if he wants a different haircut?  You married him for better or worse, right?  How is his haircut going to harm you, especially if it makes him feel good?'  Women like that end up trying to control everything.  Someday he's going to have enough of it.  Five, ten, fifteen years down the road he's going to say, 'Hold on a minute. What's happened to my life? You're trying to turn me into you.  I'm out of here.'"

I added, "It's that need to change a man.  The fixer-upper attitude."

"Exactly.  And when she can't turn him into the man she wants, she acts like he has let her down.  He gets sick of her nagging and goes off to find someone who appreciates him for who he is."

It was a fantastic conversation for the price of a haircut.  In a hair salon, stylists see a cross-section of the world come and go every day.  They listen to the woes and tribulations of their clients.  Much like bartenders, they get an inside peek at people's lives that few professions have access to.  They see patterns that we can't see, because we're so immersed in the particular details of our own lives.

The stylist had hit on a very important concept.  Women who are used to being in control of their lives often feel as if they're helping their partners by "guiding" or "directing" them.  It can be quite scary to let go and allow their partners to make choices without offering any input or advice.

Beneath a person's need for control is the fear that everything will turn into a mess unless he or she is directly involved.  It is a simple equation.

Fear = Need to control = Lack of trust

And, as we all know, lack of trust in one's partner is poison for a relationship.

Men, in particular, find their wives' direct or indirect attempts to shape them stifling.  To marry, most men have to overcome a natural distaste for giving up independence and being accountable to someone.  When a wife begins to mother him and tell him what he needs to do for his own good, he begins to feel that she's questioning him.  He was good enough for her when they were courting; why isn't he good enough for her now?

One lesson that we can all learn is to let go of our need to control every aspect of our lives.  Let go and allow life to happen.  Don't give in to your fear of not knowing what's going to happen.  Enjoy the unpredictable nature of life and laugh when things don't turn out as you expect.  Learn to accept and love your partner as he is, even when his preferences and opinions are nothing like your own.

Best of all, when you let your partner be himself, make his own decisions without "helpful" suggestions from you, and choose options that you would never have considered, you get the wonderful benefit of a relationship that is surprising, spontaneous, and much more interesting than one controlled down to the dot on every 'i.'  You discover that you're not in a relationship with yourself; you're in a relationship with another human being whose internal world is vastly different from your own, and equally valid.  Because you no longer fear that he'll make the wrong decision, you will be able to relax and trust him in a way that you may have never been able to before.

Love and let go.