What’s the difference between the guys who just seem to be able to enter any situation and excel, and those who always strike out?
A night at the bar gave me the answer.
A few months ago my friends Cam and Chad and I had just gotten into the pub, ordered our drinks, and observed the scene to see where the honeys were. It’s a situation just about every guy can identify with: one of their friends looks around anxiously, locating the girls he thinks he’s capable of approaching, and the ones he knows (or thinks) he can’t. Cam’s fears and nerves were readily obvious. He was so focused on finding out where the action is that he wouldn’t notice it if it were right in front of him. In fact, that’s exactly what happened.
Then there was my other friend, Chad, the smooth type. Not better-looking than Cam; quite the contrary. Just much more relaxed–and that’s what counts. He didn’t look around much at all, and this was probably the best thing he could have done. Guys like Chad just relax in their seats, lean back with their drinks, and settle in to see what happens. There’s no desperation and anxiety in their faces, which is always a good start.
Chad didn’t talk or move around a lot, but what he did do right was notice what was going on. He used his eyes, and he used his ears. Sometimes those are a lot more valuable than your mouth.
A while went by before Chad talked to anybody. Finally he noticed that this girl was speaking a dialect of Spanish he knew. He said something in the dialect that went along with she was saying. She was amazed that he understood the language, and that he had actually listened to what she was saying. So impressed was the chick, who was pretty hot, that she had to find out more about him. His laid-back, "carpe diem" attitude was very inviting. They talked all night, and are still dating now.
Ironically, my friend who had his eyes open the most, Cam, was the one who missed out on opportunities right in front of them. He’d act so worriedly, so nervously, that when this one girl who was interested in him flirted shamelessly, he didn’t even notice. I told him, "Dude, that girl wants to talk to you," and all he could think of was his past. "Nah, I’ve never been able to talk to girls like her." The thing is, He could now! NOW a girl wanted to talk to him. But Cam was thinking so much about how he screwed up in the past, and didn’t want to in the future, that he didn’t for a second realize what was going on right NOW. Any guy who could have seen the chick roll her eyes in exasperation when she realized he was never going to notice.
And that’s the difference between Cam, who fails, and Chad, who succeeds: Some guys live in the moment; others live in the past. You can guess which ones are more successful.
If you really want to make it with girls, you have to start focusing on the now, not the then.
So maybe you had a tough break-up. Or a girl rejected you. Maybe you’ve never dated at all. It’s all stuff from the past. Too many guys feel like the past will dictate the future; they fear that because they messed up before, they’re going to again.
But the past has nothing to do with the future. Only the PRESENT, determines your future. The future is, in fact, right now.
Guys who do great with women–and I’m not just talking about the good-looking, tall, rich guys–don’t care what happened in the past. Sometimes they’ve screwed up more times than you; I know a guy who was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C with girls when he was in school. Made some MAJOR boneheaded moves. But now he gets girls all the time! That’s because he, and other great players, only focuses on the present. They live in the moment, take it all in, and invite everyone else to share that special moment with them. They make a girl realize that now is the only time that matters.
So how do you go about doing that? Well, first thing I recommend is to become aware of your surroundings, and of the people you interact with. When you notice little things, hints as to what the person is like, you’ve got an instant "in" to the girl. For example, a friend of mine, John, noticed this girl wearing a ring with the name of his high-school on it. Most guys wouldn’t give the ring a second thought (unless it were a wedding ring, perhaps), but John did. Turns out they knew some of the same people from high school. After a bit of chatting, they began dating. Now they’re engaged.
Another great method is quite simple—actually LISTEN to what the girl is saying. Like Chad, you should try to take advantage of where a girl’s conversation is going, and use it to your benefit. This one girl I had a fling with kept making references to how much she enjoyed photography. If I had my head stuck in the past, I could have easily overlooked how important this was to her. Instead, I told her to pose for some photos at the bar with me, and she had such a good time soaking in the present, taking and being in photos, that she couldn’t help but be enamored.
Thirdly, notice girls’ body language. She can be flirting with you (or Cam) shamelessly, and you may not even notice. I highly suggest you pick up "Body Language", by Allen Pease. Also check out some of my lessons on body language and approaching.
It’s all about noticing little things, and acting on them. Two of the greatest skills you can have are right there for you: the ability to see, and the ability to hear. Use your eyes to scope out what’s going on, and use your ears to check out what people are talking about. If you’re in tune with a situation–particularly when a girl is physically showing attraction–then you’re bound to have a good time.
Finally, if the past really bothers you, do something about it. Make today better than ever. Change your attitude from one of "I’m going to screw up" to "I’m gonna have fun". Keep repeating that, keep visualizing success, and it’s gonna be pretty hard not to enjoy yourself. Realize that meeting girls or not, today could be your last day–so have fun.
In the words of Kim Lyons: "Yesterday is a cancelled check; Tomorrow is a promissory note; Today is the only cash you have, so spend it wisely."
