I still remember getting the call, the call I knew would come but was nonetheless shocked to hear. My friend, Johnny, after just 10 months of marriage to a girl everyone knew was wrong for him, had gotten divorced. Instead of becoming a happily-ever-after couple, Johnny and Marissa had joined millions of other Americans and become statistics. Statistics of the all-too-common divorce.
It’s funny how these short-term marriages and long-term miseries occur. Usually it begins with a bad case of "Oneitis."
Don’t know the word Oneitis? Well, surely you know this infectious disease’s symptoms:
- You think you’ve met the girl who’s perfect for you, who you can have a great relationship with and eventually marry
- You ignore the bitchy behavior and abuse that comes from this girl, still believing that she’s "The One"
- You see and know girls who you know would be much better for you, but ignore them because the girl you’re with is better-looking, taller, skinnier–a number of superficial qualities that don’t add up to the love you know you could get elsewhere
- You spend lots and lots of money on this girl, and she never bothers to thank you–or if she does, it’s less than sincere
- Your friends all tell you that this girl isn’t right for you, but you ignore their advice
- Maybe your friends have even fought with this girl, but you defend her even though you know deep-down her behavior is unacceptable
- You spend all your time with this girl, and ignore your friends and family
- You find yourself calling her all the time to see what she’s doing, and who she’s with
- You can’t get this girl out of your head, even when she’s long gone!
If you’ve ever watched the classic film Swingers, then you know what Oneitis is: it’s the character of Mikey!
Unfortunately, a lot of guys become the Mikeys of this world. And while some men may just go through this with a girl they’re only dating, other guys, like Johnny, take this obsession all the way to marriage. And that’s when the "disease" becomes deadly.
How do you know when a girl is right for you? I could write book after book after book about what’s right and what’s wrong, but what it comes down to are ten essential ingredients for lasting success [1]:
- She supports and encourages your goals and interests. A girl who’s right for you should follow you on your path–not try to re-direct it her own way. Unfortunately, Johnny’s wife wanted him to do something completely different to the direction he wanted to head, so it was little wonder that their romance fizzled out so quickly. Guys, if you can’t be open about your feelings, interests, passions and purpose, then you shouldn’t be with the girl. She should be able to listen and understand, not disregard and sneer.
- You can accept her and her goals and interests. Just like a woman should support and push you on the path you want to head, so too should you be able to do the same for her. If she’s into motorcycling and you hate it, or if she wants to travel the world and you just want to stay in one place, then chances are you two aren’t made for each other. Likewise, you should be able to understand her emotions and concerns–both of you MUST be good, compassionate listeners.
- She loves you for you, not your money and possessions. So many rich and powerful men have destructive relationships with women. Why? Because the woman aren’t marrying these men–they’re marrying their money. And divorce isn’t cheap, so even when these guys break up with the bloodsuckers, the women still get a hefty chunk of the pie!
- She generally gets along with your family and friends–and doesn’t mind seeing them. So many guys seem to forget this, watching dumbly as their girlfriend pulls them further and further from their family and friends to have him all for her own. I’ve got an uncle who blindly allowed himself to end all contact with his family because his wife hated them. Somehow they’re still married, but is that the kind of woman you want to be with?
- She’s on the same page, spiritually, as you. Spirituality is a big thing for couples–it can unite them like nothing else. I know so many couples who are happily married because they believe in the same God, the same purpose in life, the same deep feelings about their existence. Conversely, couples who battle over the questions of life just do not have the same loving romance. A girl who’s right for you doesn’t necessarily have to believe in the same religious principles and dogmas as you, but if she’s an atheist and you’re a Christian, things may not work out long-term.
- She wants to spend as much time with you as with her own friends and family. This may seem like an obvious one, but so many guys fawn over girls who only see them on THEIR schedule. If a girl is really right for you, you shouldn’t have to obsess over her or ask her permission to see her. You should both WANT to see each other and miss being with one another–that’s a sign that you’re both in love.
- You both share the same feelings for another. If you know deep in your heart that you want to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her, but she’s non-committal and vague, then you should certainly move on. A true, loving partner should accept you completely for who you are and what you feel. On the other hand, if you both feel comfortable sharing feelings with each other, and she accepts the deep things that you reveal to her, then you’ve found a true catch!
- You both make time for each other, even through work and school. Spending quality time with one another is crucial. If your girl is always at her job, concentrating on her career, or studying for a degree, and not making an effort to be with you, then it’s time to move on. True love knows no bounds–including time. While it’s great to have a girl who’s serious about her career and education, this can also be a relationship-breaker if she takes either too seriously.
- Money and possessions are not as important as love. This is a simple one: If your girl only talks about possessions and money, if that’s where her true values lie, then you might want to back out of the relationship. Every girl wants good things in life, but if she really loves you, then how much you make and how much you give her shouldn’t be #1 on her priority list.
- You both are able to put each other ahead of yourselves. This can be the make or break of a relationship. If she’s willing to do things for you, sacrifice time with her friends or time at work to be with you and make you meals, then you’ve found yourself a winner. However, if she’s always cancelling dates, spending more time with her friends than with you, and never gets you any gifts or acts of service, then you’ve found yourself a bitch. Move on. When she treats herself more important than you, then you’re heading towards disaster.
In the end, you want a girl who can you be you around, and know that you’re valued by her night and day. If you’re in a relationship now that you want to be more serious, ask yourself if the woman you’re with fulfills these 10 requirements. And if you’re looking for love, don’t get too far into it unless you really feel that the girl treats you right.
For all of you in a marriage or just got divorced, I highly recommend you check out this great service I found over the web. You can get free, high-quality newsletters that will tell you how to handle your marriage, or find a new one, and what kinds of signs to look out for that your relationship is on the rocks. Check out Save My Marriage Today now [1].
And remember: There’s a big difference between "The One" who’s right for you…and "The One" who will become your biggest nightmare!