It seemed like there was no chance this marriage could go wrong for my friend Sal. He was in love with this gal. Mary was THE one. They had only dated for 4 months, were only 20 years old, and neither had ever lived with a partner before, but still it felt meant to be. Sal had never dated much, in fact had some difficulty getting any girl to date him. But Mary had seen something in him, and that was all he needed. He wasn’t going to be lonely for the rest of his life, something he had always feared. This marriage was going to last forever. He knew it.
Well, that’s what Steve thought he knew. But it only took 9 months before Sal and Mary bitterly ended their train-wreck of a marriage. What had seemed like a perfect union when he proposed, became a perfect disaster in less than a year. A year earlier they had talked of love, and within a year they talked of hate and bitterness. Sal couldn’t quite figure out what went wrong, but to me it was immediately obvious: He went for the first girl who gave him a chance. Because he didn’t want to be lonely. And he didn’t think he was good enough to get anyone else.
Funny thing is, like so many other people who rushed into marriage to avoid loneliness, Sal got exactly that. And when he marries again, it’s probably only going to be worse.
Did you know that divorce rates are actually HIGHER for those in a second or third marriage than for those in their first marriage? Why is that? How can a man or woman who’s already been divorced possibly want to go through another?
The reason begins with choice. Or the lack thereof.
A big problem for us men is not having enough choices in women. Some of this we can’t control, such as if there are a disproportionate number of men to women in our area. Or if there just aren’t many young women in your town.
But usually, the problem is self-inflicted. We just go for the first women who seems crazy enough to hook up with us, and enter into a long-term relationship with her because we fear we won’t get anyone better. We doubt the power that’s within us. That was the case with Sal.
But that attitude isn’t fair. Not to you, and definitely NOT to the woman.
Think about it. If your woman went out with you just because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to find a better man, would you call that love? Hell no. It’s more like desperation. And yet there are millions of men who have this desperate kind of thinking.
The good news is, It doesn’t have to be this way!
If you decide what it is you really need in a woman, then you won’t go into a relationship with a girl if she doesn’t conform to what you need. If you can’t stand a woman who’s a neat freak, don’t let a realtionship with someone who’s like that last. If you like privacy and she needs to be around you every second of the day, spare BOTH of yourselves lots of heartache.
The key is to know what you want, and to actually be PICKY about it. Even if you’re having trouble getting women, entering into a relationship with a woman just because she’s willing to date you, is a recipe for disaster. It’s also the reason there are so many divorces–divorces like my friend Sal’s.
Relationship expert Ken Kenny puts it best: "The more a man can come from a place of choice…two things happen, #1, the higher quality women he will attract, and #2, the more likely the relationships will last, because he won’t rush into something that isn’t ideal."
What I love so much about that quote is its self-empowering nature. It tells us men that no matter how desperate we are, the power lies within us to get what we want. And by believing in ourselves, by being choosy, we actually will get what we want.
So guys, don’t just go for anyone. KNOW who you want, and even if the woman is beautiful, don’t let her get away with unacceptable behavior. If your woman drives you crazy, and you can’t fix the problem, then GET AWAY. Don’t let the relationship decay any further. Have the courage to go for someone who’s more like you, who can give you the REAL love you need. Because if you don’t want to be alone, it’s better to be choosy and find true love, then go with the first girl you get, and find true heartbreak. Just like Sal.
