What’s the difference between the guys who just seem to be able to enter any situation and excel, and those who always strike out?

A night at the bar gave me the answer.

A few months ago my friends Cam and Chad and I had just gotten into the pub, ordered our drinks, and observed the scene to see where the honeys were. It’s a situation just about every guy can identify with: one of their friends looks around anxiously, locating the girls he thinks he’s capable of approaching, and the ones he knows (or thinks) he can’t. Cam’s fears and nerves were readily obvious. He was so focused on finding out where the action is that he wouldn’t notice it if it were right in front of him. In fact, that’s exactly what happened.

Then there was my other friend, Chad, the smooth type. Not better-looking than Cam; quite the contrary. Just much more relaxed–and that’s what counts. He didn’t look around much at all, and this was probably the best thing he could have done. Guys like Chad just relax in their seats, lean back with their drinks, and settle in to see what happens. There’s no desperation and anxiety in their faces, which is always a good start.

Chad didn’t talk or move around a lot, but what he did do right was notice what was going on. He used his eyes, and he used his ears. Sometimes those are a lot more valuable than your mouth.

A while went by before Chad talked to anybody. Finally he noticed that this girl was speaking a dialect of Spanish he knew. He said something in the dialect that went along with she was saying. She was amazed that he understood the language, and that he had actually listened to what she was saying. So impressed was the chick, who was pretty hot, that she had to find out more about him. His laid-back, "carpe diem" attitude was very inviting. They talked all night, and are still dating now.

Ironically, my friend who had his eyes open the most, Cam, was the one who missed out on opportunities right in front of them. He’d act so worriedly, so nervously, that when this one girl who was interested in him flirted shamelessly, he didn’t even notice. I told him, "Dude, that girl wants to talk to you," and all he could think of was his past. "Nah, I’ve never been able to talk to girls like her." The thing is, He could now! NOW a girl wanted to talk to him. But Cam was thinking so much about how he screwed up in the past, and didn’t want to in the future, that he didn’t for a second realize what was going on right NOW. Any guy who could have seen the chick roll her eyes in exasperation when she realized he was never going to notice.

And that’s the difference between Cam, who fails, and Chad, who succeeds: Some guys live in the moment; others live in the past. You can guess which ones are more successful.

If you really want to make it with girls, you have to start focusing on the now, not the then.

So maybe you had a tough break-up. Or a girl rejected you. Maybe you’ve never dated at all. It’s all stuff from the past. Too many guys feel like the past will dictate the future; they fear that because they messed up before, they’re going to again.

But the past has nothing to do with the future. Only the PRESENT, determines your future. The future is, in fact, right now.

Guys who do great with women–and I’m not just talking about the good-looking, tall, rich guys–don’t care what happened in the past. Sometimes they’ve screwed up more times than you; I know a guy who was P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C with girls when he was in school. Made some MAJOR boneheaded moves. But now he gets girls all the time! That’s because he, and other great players, only focuses on the present. They live in the moment, take it all in, and invite everyone else to share that special moment with them. They make a girl realize that now is the only time that matters.

So how do you go about doing that? Well, first thing I recommend is to become aware of your surroundings, and of the people you interact with. When you notice little things, hints as to what the person is like, you’ve got an instant "in" to the girl. For example, a friend of mine, John, noticed this girl wearing a ring with the name of his high-school on it. Most guys wouldn’t give the ring a second thought (unless it were a wedding ring, perhaps), but John did. Turns out they knew some of the same people from high school. After a bit of chatting, they began dating. Now they’re engaged.

Another great method is quite simple—actually LISTEN to what the girl is saying. Like Chad, you should try to take advantage of where a girl’s conversation is going, and use it to your benefit. This one girl I had a fling with kept making references to how much she enjoyed photography. If I had my head stuck in the past, I could have easily overlooked how important this was to her. Instead, I told her to pose for some photos at the bar with me, and she had such a good time soaking in the present, taking and being in photos, that she couldn’t help but be enamored.

Thirdly, notice girls’ body language. She can be flirting with you (or Cam) shamelessly, and you may not even notice. I highly suggest you pick up "Body Language", by Allen Pease. Also check out some of my lessons on body language and approaching.

It’s all about noticing little things, and acting on them. Two of the greatest skills you can have are right there for you: the ability to see, and the ability to hear. Use your eyes to scope out what’s going on, and use your ears to check out what people are talking about. If you’re in tune with a situation–particularly when a girl is physically showing attraction–then you’re bound to have a good time.

Finally, if the past really bothers you, do something about it. Make today better than ever. Change your attitude from one of "I’m going to screw up" to "I’m gonna have fun". Keep repeating that, keep visualizing success, and it’s gonna be pretty hard not to enjoy yourself. Realize that meeting girls or not, today could be your last day–so have fun.

In the words of Kim Lyons: "Yesterday is a cancelled check; Tomorrow is a promissory note; Today is the only cash you have, so spend it wisely."

"The Approach" is one of the most popular subjects discussed in the online seduction scene.  It’s no wonder: How well you approach a girl, especially one you really like, will make or break the rest of the relationship.  In fact, a relationship doesn’t exist if you don’t know how to talk to a girl from the very beginning.  You can be the best guy in the world, a guy girls can only dream of—but if you don’t know how to make an impact and create a memorable impression, well, you’ll never talk to anyone. 

But there’s another approach that’s not discussed nearly as much by relationship experts and bloggers, and yet it’s just as important–maybe more important–as the step-by-step process of talking to a chick.  I’m talking about your approach to life–your mental handle on what comes your way, good or bad.  Because if you don’t know how to deal with rejection, anger, feelings of inferiority–all those negative feelings we all get at one stage or another–then your chances of dealing with women are going to be, well, nil.

Let me ask you something: What do you do when a woman doesn’t want to talk to you?  Do you go back to your friends, bitch about what a cow that girl was, what a crap bar this is, sulk all night?  Do you send out negative vibes to people, so they don’t even want to talk to you because you’re so pessimistic?  Do you vow never to talk to girls again?

Or do you take rejection in stride?  Do you look at the girl as a challenge, at acceptance as something that wasn’t meant to be?  Do you see the bright side in not talking to the girl, as an open door to talking to someone better?  Do you tell yourself, "Hey, it’s okay, her loss" and move on to the next girl, talking to her with energy and positivity?

Believe me, the second approach is a lot better than the first.  Not only for yourself personally, but for your chances…women will see a LOT more in someone who’s handled rejection well, who picks himself up and moves on to the next challenge, than in someone who quits, someone who bitches about life.  Girls don’t want quitters, they don’t want guys who air dirty laundry and complain about everything.  Doesn’t matter how good-looking or rich you are; eventually your negative approach to life is gonna cost you. 

What all girls want is a guy who’s determined.  He may have dealt with rejection, may have tasted defeat, even failed a number of times–but it doesn’t get to him.  He plows on.  He BELIEVES IN HIMSELF.  That’s the kind of attitude EVERYONE wants to be around.  It’s a tide that lifts all boats.

Next time you go out, try to present an approach to life that says, "I love a challenge, I love talking to girls, bring it on!"  Watch as your positive vibe is rubs off on people.  I always say, Enthusiasm is contagious, so if you’re making people feel better about themselves and improving thier approach to life, you’re gonna reap the rewards.  Your social network is gonna explode.  Guys are gonna wanna hang out with you, GIRLS are gonna wanna hang out with you.  And when you’ve got friends, even simple acquaintances, you’ve got people who really want to see you succeed.  They’re gonna be on the lookout for you; they’re gonna want to help you find a great woman. 

Give it a shot.  When you’re energetic and cheering people up, people want to hang around you.  GIRLS will want to hang around you; you’ll find you don’t even have to try!  It really can be that easy.

All it depends on is your approach to life.

Now…how are you gonna deal with a challenge?

It seemed like there was no chance this marriage could go wrong for my friend Sal.  He was in love with this gal.  Mary was THE one.  They had only dated for 4 months, were only 20 years old, and neither had ever lived with a partner before, but still it felt meant to be.  Sal had never dated much, in fact had some difficulty getting any girl to date him.  But Mary had seen something in him, and that was all he needed.  He wasn’t going to be lonely for the rest of his life, something he had always feared.   This marriage was going to last forever.  He knew it.

Well, that’s what Steve thought he knew.  But it only took 9 months before Sal and Mary bitterly ended their train-wreck of a marriage.  What had seemed like a perfect union when he proposed, became a perfect disaster in less than a year.  A year earlier they had talked of love, and within a year they talked of hate and bitterness.  Sal couldn’t quite figure out what went wrong, but to me it was immediately obvious: He went for the first girl who gave him a chance.  Because he didn’t want to be lonely.  And he didn’t think he was good enough to get anyone else.

Funny thing is, like so many other people who rushed into marriage to avoid loneliness, Sal got exactly that.  And when he marries again, it’s probably only going to be worse.

Did you know that divorce rates are actually HIGHER for those in a second or third marriage than for those in their first marriage?  Why is that?  How can a man or woman who’s already been divorced possibly want to go through another?

The reason begins with choice.  Or the lack thereof.

A big problem for us men is not having enough choices in women.  Some of this we can’t control, such as if there are a disproportionate number of men to women in our area.  Or if there just aren’t many young women in your town.

But usually, the problem is self-inflicted.  We just go for the first women who seems crazy enough to hook up with us, and enter into a long-term relationship with her because we fear we won’t get anyone better.  We doubt the power that’s within us.  That was the case with Sal.

But that attitude isn’t fair.  Not to you, and definitely NOT to the woman.

Think about it.  If your woman went out with you just because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to find a better man, would you call that love?  Hell no.  It’s more like desperation.  And yet there are millions of men who have this desperate kind of thinking.

The good news is, It doesn’t have to be this way! 

If you decide what it is you really need in a woman, then you won’t go into a relationship with a girl if she doesn’t conform to what you need.  If you can’t stand a woman who’s a neat freak, don’t let a realtionship with someone who’s like that last.  If you like privacy and she needs to be around you every second of the day, spare BOTH of yourselves lots of heartache.

The key is to know what you want, and to actually be PICKY about it.  Even if you’re having trouble getting women, entering into a relationship with a woman just because she’s willing to date you, is a recipe for disaster.  It’s also the reason there are so many divorces–divorces like my friend Sal’s.

Relationship expert Ken Kenny puts it best: "The more a man can come from a place of choice…two things happen, #1, the higher quality women he will attract, and #2, the more likely the relationships will last, because he won’t rush into something that isn’t ideal."

What I love so much about that quote is its self-empowering nature.  It tells us men that no matter how desperate we are, the power lies within us to get what we want.  And by believing in ourselves, by being choosy, we actually will get what we want.

So guys, don’t just go for anyone.  KNOW who you want, and even if the woman is beautiful, don’t let her get away with unacceptable behavior.  If your woman drives you crazy, and you can’t fix the problem, then GET AWAY.  Don’t let the relationship decay any further.  Have the courage to go for someone who’s more like you, who can give you the REAL love you need.  Because if you don’t want to be alone, it’s better to be choosy and find true love, then go with the first girl you get, and find true heartbreak.  Just like Sal.

"I’m a creep/I’m a widoooow"

-Radiohead, "Creep"

Yesterday provided an amusing situation for yours truly.  I was out at a bar and was watching this guy make a move on this pretty hot girl named Sue.  It was a situation we’ve all seen (and perhaps experienced): The girl was CLEARLY not interested, yet the guy didn’t have a CLUE and kept on bugging her!  "Sue" actually got up to go to the bathroom, and he followed her there!  She nearly had to push him away as she went in.  Then when she came out, he was there again!  That was enough for her; Sue promptly left the joint with her female friends, who snorted not-so-nice words at the guy.  Interestingly enough, he looked confused by their remarks!  This joker looked like he legitimately couldn’t understand what he had done wrong. 

What the guy did wrong is obvious, and relatable, to any man who’s been to a bar before.  This guy was being a CREEP.

Now, as I watched Sue squirm and not even look the guy in the eyes–some of the many obvious clues she gave him to "bug off"–I got into a giving, philanthropic mood.  I decided it’s my job, my civil duty, to get my readers thinking about the following question: Are you a creep?  Because if you think you are, it’s time to change.  Not just for girls the world over, like Sue, who are seriously creeped out by the WEIRD men out there.  But also for the sake of us good men, who are given a bad name by other guys’ creepish behavior.  If you are a creep, or know of any out there, it’s time to take note.

Now, to be fair, I like to think that the majority of my readers are good-natured guys looking to make positive, honest changes in themselves so they can become better lovers in particular, and better people in general.  But the fact remains that, some guys out there have behaviors that REALLY scare girls off.  And the worst part is, they’re not even aware of them!  Or they’re in denial.  So for the betterment of guys everywhere, I want you to answer the following questions, in relation to either yourself, or a friend:

* Do you butt in on girls’ conversations, without even excusing yourself? 

* Do you enter into a monologue, not allowing others to talk, and even worse, don’t even look the girls in the eyes?

* Or worse, do you look the girl(s) DIRECTLY into the eyes to point of being really creepy?

* Do you linger around a girl and her friends until they eventually leave their table or spot at a bar?

* Do you linger around a chick until she has to order you to leave?

* Do you ignore girls’ body language, including the position of her eyes and whether she faces you or not?

* Do you ask for their phone numbers even when they’re walking away from you?

* Do you follow girls out when they leave a place?

* Do you follow her out to her cab?

* Do you pull a "Mikey" from Swingers and leave answering machine message after answering machine message?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s time to take a deep, hard look at yourself–or whatever pal you have who you think may be a creep.  If you answered yes to ALL of these questions, then for the good name of men everywhere, stay at home for a week, a month, a year!  Lots of girls are avoiding good men in fear of him being a weird guy or even a stalker.  So let’s all get up and improve the reputation of men–we’re not all creeps!  And for those of us who are–well, it’s time to do something about it!

What does that mean?  It means, yes, having the confidence to talk a girl, but also RECOGNIZING when she doesn’t want to talk to you.  If she’s not looking at you, and/or her friends are giving you the evil eye, it’s probably best to back off.  If you don’t let her talk, and actively LISTEN, then it’s probably time to open your ears.  And if you find yourself chasing girls with their backs to you, well, face it dude: She’s just not into you!

We’ve all had girls who play hard to get.  But if they’re rolling their eyes, groaning, slamming their heads against the wall, or generally looking displeased, it’s probably time to just accept that they’re not for you.  Find someone who enjoys your company–not someone who despises it.  Unless you want to follow the lead of the "Creep" character–and be a widow!

A story about a guy who knows next to nothing about girls, then not only meets a secret society of pick-up artists who teach him how to score loads of beautiful women, but also becomes THE master pick-up artist himself, who both his students and his teachers go to for tips on how to deal and score with women.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  The best part about it is, It’s true, and documented in Neil Strauss’ excellent book, “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists.”  

If you’ve ever heard of Neil Strauss before, this book provides a fascinating account of what made him Syle, his seduction society pseudonym.  And if you have never heard of him, this book will make you WANT to know who he is.  Not only does he provide a fascinating look into the many methods of gaining women’s attention—and phone numbers, and panties—but describes in detail the crazy characters who make up this “society of pick-up artists”, as well.

What’s great about this book, as opposed to all the other ones out there for horny guys wanting to get laid, is the way it’s set up.  It’s not a lesson-by-lesson tome detailing “forbidden” methods of “tricking” women into going to bed with you.  It’s actually more of one man’s personal account of the frustrations and victories of dealing with women.  You learn your lessons, as Strauss learns his own.  It’s a description of one man’s journey from master loser, to master seductor.  And you can benefit from the knowledge Strauss shares, first-hand, in thrilling detail.

It all starts with Strauss’ account of growing up “far from attractive,” and far from satisfied with his sex life.  All it took to change that was a call from a book editor, asking Strauss to take the mysterious “Layguide” that existed on the Internet, and turn it into a “coherent how-to book”.  Though hesitant at first, Strauss finds himself curious—and you the reader curious, as well.  While investigating this patchwork of notes on how to get busy, he finds himself delving into a world he—nor the majority of people out there–hardly knew existed…and becoming one of the biggest parts of it.  As he writes, “If the layguide had never crossed my path, I, like most men, would never have evolved in my thinking about the opposite sex.”  But thanks to discovering it, Style began his journey of transformation from single loser to a guy commanding thousands for his seduction services and advice. 

Along the way, he discovers a host of crazy characters and all their "unique" (to say the least!) methods: Mystery and the Mystery Method; Tyler Durden and Papa, and Real Social Dynamics; David DeAngelo and Double Your Dating; Ross Jeffries and Neurolinguistic Programming.  There’s also a range of guys with interesting pseudonyms of their own: Thundercat, Jlaix, Herbal, Jughead.  It’s hard not to laugh as you come across some of these crazy characters and their interesting methods of creating attraction: 3-second ATCs, going "kino", negging.  It’s funny enough to hear what these methods are; learning about what they are as revealed by the various characters, makes the book often hysterical.

What I find best about "The Game" is the way it’s described as a journey.  As I’ve said before in my posts, life really is a journey, and so is the whole process of becoming a better lover.  Style’s way of teaching us his lessons isn’t academic, point-by-point lessons.  It’s through describing his growth, and letting you grow (and laugh, and groan) with him.  If you want to learn what IOIs, 3-sets, negs, ATCs, and peacocking all are, you don’t have to play “The Game”.  Just read it!

Sometimes it’s hard to see the positive side of things gone bad.  Whether it’s with a girl who dumped you, a relationship gone astray, or just one of those dating draughts we go through, we tend to see those times as the glass-half-empty.  The good news is, The "bad news", if viewed through optimistic eyes, can truly be seen as good news.

My good friend Steve, for example, went years without a girl.  It was a shock, because before he always had someone–usually a hot foreign girl.  In fact, the hottest girl he had been with, who asked him to live in Eastern Europe with her, for free, he dumped for greener pastures.  But those hot girls he expected to come across, never came.  And when he went crawling back to his East European girl, it was too late.  She was with someone else.  He instantly regretted it, and became miserable–so miserable and grumpy, in fact, that we had a big fight and didn’t talk to each other for over a year.  On top of that, he was forced to live with his mother, which drove him crazy, and the only person who hadn’t been turned off by Steve’s negative attitude was this girl Lisa, who always had dramas of her own.

Now, viewed through pessimistic eyes, some pretty rotten things happened to Steve.  No girls, fight with best friend, had to live with his mom, and miserable friend to hang around.  What good could possibly come out of this?  It seemed like everything was lost.

But a funny thing happened to Steve.  He changed his attitude.  He started to see the positives in life; he didn’t look at what he lost, but what he gained.  Sure enough he started to re-gain his friends–and make new ones.  In fact, because of the events that happened through all his negative experiences, he was led to some really fantastic people–including his current girlfriend, Alex.  He’s actually grateful that the negative experiences he dealt with happened, because it allowed him to grow and become attractive to Alex, who herself is a very positive person.  Instead of LOOKING for girls, Steve accepted whatever came his way.  As you know from "How to Be Irresistible to Women", the more you expect good things to come your way…the less chance you have of getting them.  But when you stop looking, women start looking.  Sure enough, when Steve least expected it, his dream girl came his way.  No surprise, Alex was drawn by Steve’s energy and positive outlook.  This girl was much better than his previous girlfriend; in fact, he always talks about how glad he is that he did dump her, because if he hadn’t he would have never met his girlfriend; he’d probably be miserable, and single, in Eastern Europe now.  Instead, a better thing happened: Steve and Alex instantly clicked, and now they’re talking about getting married. 

So remember, always see the positive side in things.  Not only will it make you a better person to be around, but you’ll also be able to deal with the things in life that come your way.  The so-called "bad news" that Steve was dealt, allowed him to grow and meet the woman of his dreams.  As Winston Churchill, ever an optimist, once said, "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

“I got a natural appetite suppressant: 25 years of marriage.”

–Al Bundy

Al Bundy.  Is there any other character out there who better embodies the freedom a man dreams of, from both wife and kids?

It’s no wonder a character like Bundy became so popular.  As men, we’re all too aware of the “scheming” women out there–"the redheaded beast," as Al calls Peg.  The women who lure us, trap us, fool us into doing the one thing we fear most.  The women who have only one goal on their minds, and who are going to do everything possible to achieve it: move in, miss the pill, kickstart the planning with their friends…Yes, we’re talking about the women who want nothing more than a WEDDING.  The ring of death.  The end that is marriage, achieved by the means of capturing us poor, pitiful guys.

Not every guy minds the idea of marriage (hey, I finally caved in myself), but what we DO loathe is the idea that some woman is going to capture us, trick us into ending our single lives…and forever living the married life.  That somehow, marriage won’t be a happily-made choice, but a forced-down-our-throat extortion.  Instead of deciding ourselves, the decision is made for us.  And worse, with the nightmarish “bridezillas” out there, the fun is OVER: no more nights out with the boys, no more late-night sports, no more non-stop partying.  It’s not “happily ever after”, but “MISERABLY ever after”!

Fortunately, attitudes like this ARE changing.  This kind of womanly thinking is what’s known as “the old rules”.  According to relationship expert, Dr. Barbara DeAngelis, the OLD rule was that, “The goal of a woman’s life is to find a man and get married”.  We’ve all seen it.  The girls who want nothing more than a MAN, a MAN that’s HERS forever.  I automatically think of this girl Melanie I went to school with in the 8^th grade.  From the EIGHTH GRADE, all the way to high-school GRADUATION, ALL she could talk about was getting married and having kids!  Little wonder that the guy she dated in the 11^th grade—who she absolutely slaved over–moved back to his native country in the 12^th grade!

But thankfully, there are some sane woman, like Dr. DeAngelis.  Her book, “The Real rules: How to Find the Right Man for the Real You” is one that we guys should pray ALL girls read!  For her, the real rules “won’t just teach you how to get a man—they’ll teach you how to get the right man.”  Phew!  So we’re not all just targets simply because we’re men. 

She also has four “Laws of Love”.  The first one is great: “The purpose of your life isn’t to get married.  The purpose of your life is to grow into the most loving, fulfilled, real woman you can be.”    Amen to that!  Even better is the third Law: “Once you have found the right man, the goal shouldn’t be getting him to make the ultimate commitment, but rather, creating a healthy, loving, mutually respectful real relationship.”  Building a solid relationship before even thinking about marriage?  Who can argue with that!  Praise the Lord!

There’s more.  Listen to all these wonderful chapter titles in Dr. Angelis’ book:

• Treat Men the Way You Want Them to Treat You
• Remember That Men Need As Much Reassurance as You Do
• Don’t Play Games
• Be Yourself
• If You Like Someone, Let Him Know
• Never Pressure a Man Into Making a Commitment

Wouldn’t it be great if all women followed these “real rules”?  If there’s any doubt in your mind that there is a God, this book should change it.  There is hope out there for all men, and Dr. DeAngelis is the angel heaven sent to make men’s lives easier.  AMEN!

You know that Coca-Cola slogan, "Always the real thing"?  It doesn’t just apply to soft drinks.  It also applies to relationships. No matter how many dating seminars you attend, how many books you read, or how many seduction services you subscribe to, none of the lessons are gonna matter if they don’t fit with YOUR personality. 

In his interview with dating guru DeAngelo, relationship expert Carlos Xuma says, "I feel like an idiot if I’m just reciting somebody’s regurgitated lines.  I have to make it personal to me."  I think a lot of guys can relate to that. 

So you have to make your approach, your style, personal to you.  But you also have to make it personal to a woman.  Xuma makes the excellent point that if you use standard, recycled lines on a woman, you make HER feel standard and recycled, as well!  It’s as if she’s a carbon copy of every other woman who’s been branded with the cow-poke of pick-up lines.

Treat her specially, like someone unique, and she’ll treat YOU as someone special and unique, as well.

But how can you expect her to respect you, if you disrespect her by treating her like all the other woman out there?  There’s the failure of overused pick-up lines: They’re not original.  And they’re usually not part of who YOU are. 

As Xuma points out, in deciding how to approach girls, sometimes the best "style" is actually no style.  Don’t do what works for other guys; do what works for you.  I hope that the methods I teach in "How to Be Irresistible to Women" will work for you.  In fact, I’m confident they will.  But if they don’t fit your personality, then don’t use them!  Instead of prescribing to just one method–or worse, to ALL of them–try to use pieces of each of them, until you’re totally prepared for anything.  It’s nice to have a Plan A, but having a back-up Plan B, C, D, and E is even better!

Xuma suggests being like Bruce Lee, who didn’t just one martial art style for himself, but a collection of various ones.  In the end, when he became a star, Lee didn’t practice just one style; he practiced so many, that he didn’t really have any one style.  He just did what fit him.

So it should be for you.  You should be the Bruce Lee of relationships!  And, just like Coca-Cola: "Always the real thing."

My fiancee suggested I read a book called "Boundaries Before Marriage".  Since all the books she recommends tend to be romance novels or relationship builders, I was immediately skeptical.  I mean, the last book she hyped was a love story taking place in the Gold Rush days.  So just seeing the title of this latest one was enough to make me roll my eyes. 

But believe it or not, it actually has some pretty classy advice that every man should take into heart.  I particularly like the introduction, where it gives seven reasons why dating is actually a good thing for all of us.  Some of the reasons include "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context", "Dating provides a context to work through issues", and "Dating can heal and repair".  All very valid arguments for us to continue dating, rather than avoiding what is, for many, a very painful experience. 

I mean, yeah, I’ve had some harsh breakups, and girls I wish I could have continued seeing.  There was even a time when *I* didn’t want to date anyone.  But I realized, through reading "Boundaries Before Marriage", that when one views the whole dating thing as a JOURNEY, instead of a collection of regrets and sorrows, everything makes a lot more sense.  I no longer looked at my dating past in terms of memories purely positive and purely negative.  Instead, I suddenly saw it all as an incredible journey, a road full of personal developments, all winding towards the ultimate destination of finding "The One".

When viewed like that, I don’t have a single regret.  There are good times, there are bad times.  But at the end of the dating journey (i.e., marriage), what’s most important is how we’ve changed, how we adapt to the various potholes along the way, to get where we want to go. 

We should view past experiences as an opportunity to develop, a journey into ourselves.  For me, one of the hardest things was "the girl who got away".  I really liked this one Aussie girl I met four years back, and essentially chased her back to Australia.  It didn’t work out, and we completely lost touch.  I COULD just look at the experience in totally negative terms; I mean, this girl I adored didn’t feel the same way about me, and I travelled halfway around the world only to get my heart crushed. 

But wait: there’s a silver lining in this grey cloud.  This was just one step in the road towards being with the girl I was meant for.  I turned out to love Australia, and came back a year later to study at the University of Wollongong.  I made some good friends I still stay in touch with, and also met an Asian girl I liked quite a lot.  I even thought for a time that she was "The One".  I really enjoyed being with Tissa, but at the same time, I felt something pulling me back to New York.  I wasn’t used to being away from "The Big Apple" for so long, and missed it a lot.  When the semester ended, I had a choice to make: make lots of money back in New York, or continue living in Australia, no job at hand, but with a girl I thought I loved. 

In the end, something lured me back to New York.  I just had to get back there.  Naturally, Tissa was heartbroken.  How could I do this to her?  I had promised I loved her!  Viewed in terms of the experience all by itself, it was a pretty bad time.  It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I had actually done the wrong thing. 

But viewed as just another checkpoint in my life’s journey, it was the best thing for both of us.  I got New York out of my system, and while in the Big Apple, met an incredible girl.  A girl who would become my wife.  Not only that, but Tissa grew as a person; it actually turned out that we were quite different to each other, and definitely not made for each other.  Now SHE’S living life to the fullest with someone she cares about.  Funny how life works, isn’t it? 

None of this was obvious at the time, of course; it took time to discover.  Pain is a natural part of life, and sometimes you just can’t avoid it.  But when viewed as part of the bigger picture, there are benefits to our painful experiences: By getting New York out of my system, I had no problem moving to New Zealand to be with my fiancee.  I no longer felt like I had to be in New York, so I wasn’t going to run away again.  And the other girls I was attracted to, have progressed in their life’s journeys, as well.  One of them is happily married.

My journey towards love had some strange detours along the way.  But in the end, the most important thing in the journey that is dating is not to look at where you turned off The Road.  It’s to see how you got back on it.

As a relationships expert, I see relationships like poker.  Some guys can just never get the winning cards, and blame themselves for it.  "I’m too short."  "She’s too gorgeous." "A girl like her wouldn’t go out with a guy like me."   Their problems are entirely about what they DON’T have, the cards they CAN’T get.  Like an impatient poker player, or one who bets his life savings on a three-pair, THEY are their own worst enemies.  But they appreciate a good hand, so all they really need is to learn is how to be a better player.

Then there are guys like Dan.  Players who have all the hand they want, but can’t appreciate it.  The only thing they lack is the ability to be happy with the hand they’re dealt.  Such is the situation with Dan.

A little background: Dan is my good-looking cousin.  He’s smart.  He’s funny.  He has lots of girls interested in him.  If he wanted to, he could be married right now.  Could have been four years ago, really.

But Dan doesn’t want marriage; he doesn’t even want a steady relationship.  The big issue is, He finds faults in EVERYONE.  One’s too short, one’s too tall; one’s too skinny, one’s too fat.  He’s never impressed! 

Now, I’ve met some of his past girlfriends, and man, I think any guy would be happy to date some of them!  One of them was a nice, dark Indian girl with a dynamite body.  This girl was quite intelligent, and pretty easy to talk to–never an easy thing to find in NYC.  One of the biggest complaints guys in NY have of their girlfriends is that they don’t talk enough, or don’t talk to their guy friends enough.  His problem with her: She talked TOO MUCH!  Another promising relationship, passed away like four aces.

Another common complaint in NYC is that the girls are much too busy, too career-oriented.  So Dan meets this nice Mexican chick who has a career but is basically willing to throw it all away to be with him.  She’s beautiful, she has a nice body–she’s pretty much the type of girl a guy interested in marriage would want.  But of course, this is Dan.  Dan is 30, definitely of marrying age.  His beef with her?  She’s too nice. 

TOO NICE?!?, I think.  Yeah, that can be annoying if she’s just nice and has no substance, but this girl can cook, can talk advanced subjects, and is a joy to be around.  She’s too friggin’ nice?!?

I guess some guys, no matter what hand they’re dealt, will always be upset with the deck.  You can hand a guy a royal flush, but if he’d just as soon rather be playing blackjack, what can you do?

Whether it’s poker or relationships, sometimes the best skill you can possibly have is to just be happy with what you’ve got.