“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”

                   -Oscar Wilde 

Trust and honesty are two things that are talked a lot about in relationships.  Certainly, a strong relationship is one in which both partners communicate in an upfront and honest manner. 

But sometimes, the truth is the last thing your partner wants to hear…and it can get you into a lot of trouble!

Let’s look at some topics you never want to talk about with your girlfriend, fiancee, or wife!:

• Never talk about physical intimacy you had with ex’s.  Nothing will get you into more trouble than giving too many details about your ex’s.  Your lover may ask you about how it was…but don’t give her the answer!  Simply move the conversation along to other topics.  You can do this by teasing her and complimenting her simultaneously, making the whole question look silly: "What?  Are you jealous?  C’mon, you know you’re the best, why do you even need to ask?"
• Never talk about your partner’s poor finances. This is a big no-no, an absolutely big mistake.  Even if you’re paying for everything and your girlfriend doesn’t make nearly as much money as you do, don’t make the mistake of saying you pay for everything and contribute to all the purchases.  This is a quick way of getting into a big fight that goes nowhere!
• Never discuss your partner’s faults in a negative way.  Nothing wrong with letting your partner know that she’s doing something wrong or needs some help, such as if she gets boozed up every night and offends people, or is too sloppy around the house.  But bringing up your partner’s faults day in and day out, especially in a sardonic, bitter, or just plain mean fashion, will not accomplish anything.  Not only will your partner come to resent you for always picking on her flaws, but she’ll never change and very likely leave you, as well.  Girls need to be understood, not criticized.
• Never, ever talk badly about her weight!  In fact, don’t even bring up the subject at all unless you can say nice things about her, such as, "Oh, have you lost weight?" or "Wow, your body’s looking really great today!"  Too skinny, too fat: doesn’t matter.  Either way, girls will be hurt by what you say, so stay away from this topic unless you can say something positive.

Of course, there is a certain place for the truth; no relationship is complete without it.  While you shouldn’t talk about sex with past lovers, that doesn’t mean you can’t describe your relationships with her.  Showing that you have nothing to hide is a big element of trust.  Even if you had a bad break-up with a past girlfriend, it’s up to you to let your present lover know about it.  The more you hide from her, the more trouble you’ll get into later. 

So give your partner the truth–just not the painful truth.  As Pietro Aretino says:

“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”

I still remember getting the call, the call I knew would come but was nonetheless shocked to hear.  My friend, Johnny, after just 10 months of marriage to a girl everyone knew was wrong for him, had gotten divorced.  Instead of becoming a happily-ever-after couple, Johnny and Marissa had joined millions of other Americans and become statistics.  Statistics of the all-too-common divorce.

It’s funny how these short-term marriages and long-term miseries occur.  Usually it begins with a bad case of "Oneitis."

Don’t know the word Oneitis?  Well, surely you know this infectious disease’s symptoms:

• You think you’ve met the girl who’s perfect for you, who you can have a great relationship with and eventually marry
• You ignore the bitchy behavior and abuse that comes from this girl, still believing that she’s "The One"
• You see and know girls who you know would be much better for you, but ignore them because the girl you’re with is better-looking, taller, skinnier–a number of superficial qualities that don’t add up to the love you know you could get elsewhere
• You spend lots and lots of money on this girl, and she never bothers to thank you–or if she does, it’s less than sincere
• Your friends all tell you that this girl isn’t right for you, but you ignore their advice
• Maybe your friends have even fought with this girl, but you defend her even though you know deep-down her behavior is unacceptable
• You spend all your time with this girl, and ignore your friends and family
• You find yourself calling her all the time to see what she’s doing, and who she’s with
• You can’t get this girl out of your head, even when she’s long gone!

If you’ve ever watched the classic film Swingers, then you know what Oneitis is: it’s the character of Mikey!

Unfortunately, a lot of guys become the Mikeys of this world.  And while some men may just go through this with a girl they’re only dating, other guys, like Johnny, take this obsession all the way to marriage.  And that’s when the "disease" becomes deadly.

How do you know when a girl is right for you?  I could write book after book after book about what’s right and what’s wrong, but what it comes down to are ten essential ingredients for lasting success:

• She supports and encourages your goals and interests.  A girl who’s right for you should follow you on your path–not try to re-direct it her own way.  Unfortunately, Johnny’s wife wanted him to do something completely different to the direction he wanted to head, so it was little wonder that their romance fizzled out so quickly.  Guys, if you can’t be open about your feelings, interests, passions and purpose, then you shouldn’t be with the girl.  She should be able to listen and understand, not disregard and sneer.
• You can accept her and her goals and interests.  Just like a woman should support and push you on the path you want to head, so too should you be able to do the same for her.  If she’s into motorcycling and you hate it, or if she wants to travel the world and you just want to stay in one place, then chances are you two aren’t made for each other.  Likewise, you should be able to understand her emotions and concerns–both of you MUST be good, compassionate listeners.
• She loves you for you, not your money and possessions.  So many rich and powerful men have destructive relationships with women.  Why?  Because the woman aren’t marrying these men–they’re marrying their money.  And divorce isn’t cheap, so even when these guys break up with the bloodsuckers, the women still get a hefty chunk of the pie!
• She generally gets along with your family and friends–and doesn’t mind seeing them.  So many guys seem to forget this, watching dumbly as their girlfriend pulls them further and further from their family and friends to have him all for her own.  I’ve got an uncle who blindly allowed himself to end all contact with his family because his wife hated them.  Somehow they’re still married, but is that the kind of woman you want to be with?
• She’s on the same page, spiritually, as you. Spirituality is a big thing for couples–it can unite them like nothing else.  I know so many couples who are happily married because they believe in the same God, the same purpose in life, the same deep feelings about their existence.  Conversely, couples who battle over the questions of life just do not have the same loving romance.  A girl who’s right for you doesn’t necessarily have to believe in the same religious principles and dogmas as you, but if she’s an atheist and you’re a Christian, things may not work out long-term.
• She wants to spend as much time with you as with her own friends and family.  This may seem like an obvious one, but so many guys fawn over girls who only see them on THEIR schedule.  If a girl is really right for you, you shouldn’t have to obsess over her or ask her permission to see her.  You should both WANT to see each other and miss being with one another–that’s a sign that you’re both in love.
• You both share the same feelings for another.  If you know deep in your heart that you want to marry her and spend the rest of your life with her, but she’s non-committal and vague, then you should certainly move on.  A true, loving partner should accept you completely for who you are and what you feel.  On the other hand, if you both feel comfortable sharing feelings with each other, and she accepts the deep things that you reveal to her, then you’ve found a true catch!
• You both make time for each other, even through work and school.  Spending quality time with one another is crucial.  If your girl is always at her job, concentrating on her career, or studying for a degree, and not making an effort to be with you, then it’s time to move on.  True love knows no bounds–including time.  While it’s great to have a girl who’s serious about her career and education, this can also be a relationship-breaker if she takes either too seriously.
• Money and possessions are not as important as love.  This is a simple one: If your girl only talks about possessions and money, if that’s where her true values lie, then you might want to back out of the relationship.  Every girl wants good things in life, but if she really loves you, then how much you make and how much you give her shouldn’t be #1 on her priority list.
• You both are able to put each other ahead of yourselves.  This can be the make or break of a relationship.  If she’s willing to do things for you, sacrifice time with her friends or time at work to be with you and make you meals, then you’ve found yourself a winner.  However, if she’s always cancelling dates, spending more time with her friends than with you, and never gets you any gifts or acts of service, then you’ve found yourself a bitch.  Move on.  When she treats herself more important than you, then you’re heading towards disaster.

In the end, you want a girl who can you be you around, and know that you’re valued by her night and day.  If you’re in a relationship now that you want to be more serious, ask yourself if the woman you’re with fulfills these 10 requirements.  And if you’re looking for love, don’t get too far into it unless you really feel that the girl treats you right.

For all of you in a marriage or just got divorced, I highly recommend you check out this great service I found over the web.  You can get free, high-quality newsletters that will tell you how to handle your marriage, or find a new one, and what kinds of signs to look out for that your relationship is on the rocks.  Check out Save My Marriage Today now.

And remember: There’s a big difference between "The One" who’s right for you…and "The One" who will become your biggest nightmare!

"The world is full of suffering.  It is also full of the overcoming of it."

-Helen Keller 

What did we learn from 9/11?  That no one is safe from terrorism?  That the human heart is capable of everything from sick, hateful violence to brave, loving care?  That New Yorkers, when tragedy hits, aren’t such rude dirt bags after all?

For me, the biggest lesson applies to us men in particular.  It’s about how important it is for us to be able to stand by our loved ones and provide a strong shoulder to lean on when the going gets rough.  You may not be a fireman, but that doesn’t mean you can’t save lives.  For while it may be too late to save the lives of the people who perished in that horrific attack 5 years ago, it’s never too late to save the lives of people we care about TODAY: with our words, our actions, our sympathy, our presence.  In a way, we can all be heroes, if we just show enough love to those we care about.

The person I cared about most at the time of 9/11 was Veronica, my girlfriend of seven months.  She actually worked as a hostess in Windows on the World, the superb top-floor restaurant of the North Tower with unparalleled views stretching from Manhattan to The Bronx, from New Jersey to Long Island.  In fact, we had eaten at "WoW" together just two nights before the event that changed the world.  I had actually been campaigning for weeks to have dinner there on one of her rare days off, so it’s funny, and a bit frightening, that we made it there just in time.

It also made the fact that the Towers fell all the more devastating.

Like nothing else, losing the Towers devastated Veronica.  In an instant, she lost her workplace, her friends, her memories, her life.  Everything and everybody were all gone, never to be seen again.  No matter how hard she might have tried otherwise, her life was, indeed, changed forever.

At a catastrophic moment like this, where do you see love?  All Veronica saw was hate.  And life without love is a very scary thing. 

Veronica was definitely scared at that time, and in the absence of the love that the Twin Towers represented to her, her heart was dealt a severe blow just as powerful as the fatal impact from the two planes.  She was severely depressed for months, and there was no escaping the gloom: The punctured skyline of The Big Apple reminded her daily that her friends, workplace, and old life would never return.  More and more she became a different person, one who weakened under the impact of the horrific loss.

I remember being jealous of the firemen and policemen who got so much attention and honor for saving lives and rushing into certain death on that fateful day.  But when Veronica’s own heart fell like the Towers themselves, I knew the time had arrived for ME to be a hero of my own.  It was time for ME to show her the only thing that could heal her broken heart: love.

While Veronica’s sadness didn’t magically go away, she was grateful that I was there to listen and understand the pain she went through.  I’d spend hours just talking and listening to her, and it got her through each day, albeit with difficulty.

Finally I convinced her to take a break: she should go to her native Peru to get away from it all.  She quickly agreed that that was a good idea, and it was.

I visited Ronnie down in Peru, and she really was a happier person.  Travelling all the way to South America was a good get-away for her, and one that brought the joy back to her scarred psyche.  We both had a good time down in Lima; it was a nice, remote break from a city that was still reeling from the attacks.  She was starting to see hope again.

Then she came back to New York, and everything went back to the way it was before–only worse.

Flying into JFK Airport, seeing the skyline in the distance without the Towers, was a swift reminder to Veronica that she couldn’t run away from her problems.  They were here to stay.  And realizing that was like yet another blow to her already fragile heart.  In the next few months, Ronnie went from depressed to suicidal.  She had already had some family problems and a nasty break-up before she met me, and nobody besides me seemed to have the time or the heart to listen to her problems.  Now she felt like life wasn’t worth living.  The attacks on New York and the U.S., were also an attack on her very existence.  She just couldn’t bear to go on.

Once again I realized that if I were to be a hero, I had to be strong to see Veronica survive.

I wouldn’t let her quit on life.  By reminding her of her strengths, sharing my love, listening to her woes, and being there when she needed me (oftentimes at 3 or 4 in the morning!), I helped Veronica get back on her feet.  I showed her that there WAS life after 9/11, that as horrific as it was, it was our job as strong citizens to bounce back.  We owed it to our nation, and we owed it to ourselves, to not let the terrorists win the battle to destroy our will.

Change didn’t come overnight; in fact, it took more than a few months for Veronica to even enjoy going out again.  The first anniversary of 9/11 was her biggest challenge, but she passed with flying colors; she didn’t return to her suicidal ways.  By seeing love and knowing someone was there who wanted to see her get through it all, Veronica became stronger.  Life after September 11, while sad, didn’t have to be a defeat; by bouncing back, it could be an inspiring victory.

Now, after lots of healing and effort, Veronica’s back to her pre-9/11 self.  Even though we broke up a couple years ago, we’re still good friends.  She’s a joy to be around, and even a joy to talk to over the phone and on the computer.  She credits me with saving her life, and that alone makes me want to ensure that she never falls again.

In the end, Veronica’s path to life after 9/11 taught me the biggest lesson of all.  Just because you weren’t a fireman or policeman rushing into the Twin Towers on that solemn date, doesn’t mean you can’t be a hero.  Go out, TODAY, and tell your brother, your sister, your parents, your girlfriend, your wife, your friends, how much you care about them.  Give them a shoulder to lean on.  Listen when they cry.  Stand by them.  You may just save a life…and that makes you a hero.

There’s nothing worse than being in a slump. 

Or so they say. 

I’ve been there, chances are you’ve been there, and I have a good friend who’s there right now.  It’s affected just about every guy, and is the ultimate discouragement in our pursuit of women…if you let it be.  For all its negative undertones, being in a slump doesn’t have to be the worst thing ever.  There are actually benefits to taking a timeout from girls, and the sooner you see these benefits, the sooner you’ll actually get out of your drought and into the female zone you’re seeking.

The first step out of a slump is to BELIEVE that you’ll get out of the slump.  May be harder than it sounds, but believe me, it’s crucial to adopt that mindset.  The guys who are quickest to get out of a drought are those who don’t throw a pity party for themselves, who don’t flee back to their ex’s in desperation, and who remain focused on the other parts of their life, the parts that will attract women to them in the first place: work, sports, friends, etc.

My friend Sal is in a slump for the first time in a while.  He dated one girl for 5 full years, and now that he finally broke up with her, he doesn’t know what to do.  It’s been about a month, which is a lot shorter time period than a lot of guys I know who have been through the same, and he’s already getting cranky, depressed, and tempted to go back to his girlfriend, despite the fact that he knows she’s not right for him. 

But in situations like his, you have to HOLD YOUR GROUND.  Yeah, it blows being in a slump when it seems like no girl is into you.  It’s frustrating as hell not getting any love or sex for a long stretch.  But you know what?  It’s also rewarding, which brings me to my next Slump Salvation tidbit:

Use the free time you have with no girlfriend or booty call to improve yourself.

Sal doesn’t seem to be doing this.  He’s wasting lots of time going online, searching for girls he miiiiight be able to get a date with (I’m no believer in online dating), and groveling over how he can’t seem to get a girl, even when it seems like she’s interested in him.  He’s giving women power over his life, making it seem like having one is the sole purpose in life, instead of empowering HIMSELF and going on living with a purpose that isn’t women-related.

As I’ve said so many times before, the funny thing about not looking for a girl is that THAT is when you are most likely to get one.  So instead of wasting hours on end looking on MySpace or Lavalife or whatever other dating sites you may use, and beating yourself up for being single, get on with your life!  Show women that you’re a fun guy, a man in control of his own destiny.  The great thing about being single is that you have the time that you wouldn’te when you’re with a girl, to learn new things that generally impress girls: how to cook a great meal, enjoying sports and getting in shape, travelling wherever you want and opening up to new things in life.

A lot of guys stop learning, stop opening themselves up when they’re with a girl.  They become complacent, oversatisfied, content that now that they’ve found a girlfriend or wife, as if they’ve reached the top of the mountain.

Nah.  Doesn’t work that way.  Having a woman is only one piece of the pie.

In fact, when you stop exploring life and committing yourself to new things, that’s when a girl often loses interest.  She sees that her boyfriend or husband has settled down and has become boring.  Things don’t change, when girls often like change and new things.  And often, that’s exactly when a woman leaves a man.

The time you have alone is your time of preparation, of becoming an exciting person.  I, for example, was definitely not ready 10 years ago for the relationships I have been in over the last five years.  I used the time in my teens and early 20’s to build myself up and find out who I was and who I wanted to be.  Since I took the time to find MYSELF, to build up my character and personality, it was no wonder that I was subsequently able to find girls, in return.

If you’re in a drought, don’t think of it as a bad situation–see it as a good one.  You’ve already taken the time to read this column and sort some things out, and that’s an awesome start.  Learn everything you can, do everything you have time to do.  Remember that there’s probably a good reason you’re single right now; perhaps it was meant to be and it’s your chance to learn more about yourself and what it is you really love.  Not every girl is made for every girl–there’s a special girl (or girls) out there just for you, but you have to build up your identity and purpose before you can find her.

Once you get a good understanding of your purpose in life and what you want to do with it, you’ll find that you enjoy things more.  If your goal is to become a successful business owner who travels the world, use your free time now to determine how you’re going to achieve that goal, and go on doing it.  Hunker down to build that business, and use your free time to see the world (you’ll probably meet a girl while travelling).  I guarantee you that once you have a path, an understanding of what your life is about, girls will begin to enter your life.  You’ll be having so much fun doing what moves you, what fills you up, that you won’t even be searching for women.  But as I said before, that’s exactly when they show up.

So remember, believe that you’ll get out of the slump, use the time that the slump affords you with, and you’ll go from bust to boon in no time!

If you want to show true love, sometimes it pays to be needy.

Not in the high-maintenance, I’ll-kill-myself-if-you-leave-me kind of way.  I’m talking about making your girlfriend feel like she completes you, that she’s everything you’ve always been looking for.  I’m talking about giving a girl the knowledge that she’s special, incredible, Numero Uno in your life.  Sometimes, the greatest gift you can give your lover is to tell her you NEED her.

I learned this the hard way with my girlfriend.  I bought her lots of presents, surprised her with nice gifts.  But it wasn’t enough; she told me she wasn’t sure I really loved her.  So I took her out to eat, wrote her nice poems and cards.  She appreciated that, but was still not sure she meant everything in my life.  Presents and nice meals were nice, but what she wanted more than anything was to feel appreciated, to feel wanted, to feel NEEDED.  You can’t put a price tag on that sort of feeling, but I can tell you it’s worth more than any expensive gift. 

More than anything, my girlfriend wanted to hear the words, "I need you."

Of course, it’s not always easy to say those words.  We fear that we’ll appear too needy, too emotional.  You’ll know based on your girlfriend just how much she needs to be needed; for some girls, their "love language" isn’t so much words of appreciation as gifts or acts or service. 

But EVERY girl likes to be appreciated.  It’s like Chris Rock says: "There are only three things women need in life: food, money, and COMPLIMENTS!"  So sometimes you just have to compliment your girl and let her know that you appreciate her.  You can say, "I don’t know what I’d do without you," "I’m so glad you came into my life", and just explain how different your life would be without her.  It may sound like gushy romantic stuff–and sometimes it is–but believe me, you’ll be amazed by the difference in your girlfriend when she feels valued.

Ever notice how your girl (or wife) acts moody for no reason, snappy for who knows why?  A lot of times it’s because she doesn’t feel appreciated.  She feels like she could leave your life, and you wouldn’t even notice.  So she acts bitchy and moody, and you can’t stand it. 

But when you let her know you NEED her, let her know you WANT her in your life, you’ll be amazed by how much happier and giving she is.  As I always say, you get what you give.  If you’re not giving her the love and attention she needs, you’re not going to get it in return. 

Guys who keep their girls feeling loved, who let them know that they are the most important thing in their lives, don’t have as many problems with their women.  They have girls buying them things, doing them favors, showing them love like never before.  It’s great, and proves one thing:

It’s good to be needy.

It seemed like there was no chance this marriage could go wrong for my friend Sal.  He was in love with this gal.  Mary was THE one.  They had only dated for 4 months, were only 20 years old, and neither had ever lived with a partner before, but still it felt meant to be.  Sal had never dated much, in fact had some difficulty getting any girl to date him.  But Mary had seen something in him, and that was all he needed.  He wasn’t going to be lonely for the rest of his life, something he had always feared.   This marriage was going to last forever.  He knew it.

Well, that’s what Steve thought he knew.  But it only took 9 months before Sal and Mary bitterly ended their train-wreck of a marriage.  What had seemed like a perfect union when he proposed, became a perfect disaster in less than a year.  A year earlier they had talked of love, and within a year they talked of hate and bitterness.  Sal couldn’t quite figure out what went wrong, but to me it was immediately obvious: He went for the first girl who gave him a chance.  Because he didn’t want to be lonely.  And he didn’t think he was good enough to get anyone else.

Funny thing is, like so many other people who rushed into marriage to avoid loneliness, Sal got exactly that.  And when he marries again, it’s probably only going to be worse.

Did you know that divorce rates are actually HIGHER for those in a second or third marriage than for those in their first marriage?  Why is that?  How can a man or woman who’s already been divorced possibly want to go through another?

The reason begins with choice.  Or the lack thereof.

A big problem for us men is not having enough choices in women.  Some of this we can’t control, such as if there are a disproportionate number of men to women in our area.  Or if there just aren’t many young women in your town.

But usually, the problem is self-inflicted.  We just go for the first women who seems crazy enough to hook up with us, and enter into a long-term relationship with her because we fear we won’t get anyone better.  We doubt the power that’s within us.  That was the case with Sal.

But that attitude isn’t fair.  Not to you, and definitely NOT to the woman.

Think about it.  If your woman went out with you just because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to find a better man, would you call that love?  Hell no.  It’s more like desperation.  And yet there are millions of men who have this desperate kind of thinking.

The good news is, It doesn’t have to be this way! 

If you decide what it is you really need in a woman, then you won’t go into a relationship with a girl if she doesn’t conform to what you need.  If you can’t stand a woman who’s a neat freak, don’t let a realtionship with someone who’s like that last.  If you like privacy and she needs to be around you every second of the day, spare BOTH of yourselves lots of heartache.

The key is to know what you want, and to actually be PICKY about it.  Even if you’re having trouble getting women, entering into a relationship with a woman just because she’s willing to date you, is a recipe for disaster.  It’s also the reason there are so many divorces–divorces like my friend Sal’s.

Relationship expert Ken Kenny puts it best: "The more a man can come from a place of choice…two things happen, #1, the higher quality women he will attract, and #2, the more likely the relationships will last, because he won’t rush into something that isn’t ideal."

What I love so much about that quote is its self-empowering nature.  It tells us men that no matter how desperate we are, the power lies within us to get what we want.  And by believing in ourselves, by being choosy, we actually will get what we want.

So guys, don’t just go for anyone.  KNOW who you want, and even if the woman is beautiful, don’t let her get away with unacceptable behavior.  If your woman drives you crazy, and you can’t fix the problem, then GET AWAY.  Don’t let the relationship decay any further.  Have the courage to go for someone who’s more like you, who can give you the REAL love you need.  Because if you don’t want to be alone, it’s better to be choosy and find true love, then go with the first girl you get, and find true heartbreak.  Just like Sal.

My fiancee suggested I read a book called "Boundaries Before Marriage".  Since all the books she recommends tend to be romance novels or relationship builders, I was immediately skeptical.  I mean, the last book she hyped was a love story taking place in the Gold Rush days.  So just seeing the title of this latest one was enough to make me roll my eyes. 

But believe it or not, it actually has some pretty classy advice that every man should take into heart.  I particularly like the introduction, where it gives seven reasons why dating is actually a good thing for all of us.  Some of the reasons include "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context", "Dating provides a context to work through issues", and "Dating can heal and repair".  All very valid arguments for us to continue dating, rather than avoiding what is, for many, a very painful experience. 

I mean, yeah, I’ve had some harsh breakups, and girls I wish I could have continued seeing.  There was even a time when *I* didn’t want to date anyone.  But I realized, through reading "Boundaries Before Marriage", that when one views the whole dating thing as a JOURNEY, instead of a collection of regrets and sorrows, everything makes a lot more sense.  I no longer looked at my dating past in terms of memories purely positive and purely negative.  Instead, I suddenly saw it all as an incredible journey, a road full of personal developments, all winding towards the ultimate destination of finding "The One".

When viewed like that, I don’t have a single regret.  There are good times, there are bad times.  But at the end of the dating journey (i.e., marriage), what’s most important is how we’ve changed, how we adapt to the various potholes along the way, to get where we want to go. 

We should view past experiences as an opportunity to develop, a journey into ourselves.  For me, one of the hardest things was "the girl who got away".  I really liked this one Aussie girl I met four years back, and essentially chased her back to Australia.  It didn’t work out, and we completely lost touch.  I COULD just look at the experience in totally negative terms; I mean, this girl I adored didn’t feel the same way about me, and I travelled halfway around the world only to get my heart crushed. 

But wait: there’s a silver lining in this grey cloud.  This was just one step in the road towards being with the girl I was meant for.  I turned out to love Australia, and came back a year later to study at the University of Wollongong.  I made some good friends I still stay in touch with, and also met an Asian girl I liked quite a lot.  I even thought for a time that she was "The One".  I really enjoyed being with Tissa, but at the same time, I felt something pulling me back to New York.  I wasn’t used to being away from "The Big Apple" for so long, and missed it a lot.  When the semester ended, I had a choice to make: make lots of money back in New York, or continue living in Australia, no job at hand, but with a girl I thought I loved. 

In the end, something lured me back to New York.  I just had to get back there.  Naturally, Tissa was heartbroken.  How could I do this to her?  I had promised I loved her!  Viewed in terms of the experience all by itself, it was a pretty bad time.  It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I had actually done the wrong thing. 

But viewed as just another checkpoint in my life’s journey, it was the best thing for both of us.  I got New York out of my system, and while in the Big Apple, met an incredible girl.  A girl who would become my wife.  Not only that, but Tissa grew as a person; it actually turned out that we were quite different to each other, and definitely not made for each other.  Now SHE’S living life to the fullest with someone she cares about.  Funny how life works, isn’t it? 

None of this was obvious at the time, of course; it took time to discover.  Pain is a natural part of life, and sometimes you just can’t avoid it.  But when viewed as part of the bigger picture, there are benefits to our painful experiences: By getting New York out of my system, I had no problem moving to New Zealand to be with my fiancee.  I no longer felt like I had to be in New York, so I wasn’t going to run away again.  And the other girls I was attracted to, have progressed in their life’s journeys, as well.  One of them is happily married.

My journey towards love had some strange detours along the way.  But in the end, the most important thing in the journey that is dating is not to look at where you turned off The Road.  It’s to see how you got back on it.

Gossip magazines are great for drama and suspense. But for true amusement, nothing quite entertains me like the ongoing saga of my Desperate-to-Be-a-Housewife English friend, Sally. I’ve come across Sally several times throughout my travels to the UK, and she’s not a bad person. Friendly, generous, and looks-wise, not the worst I’ve ever seen. Getting a guy shouldn’t be that hard for her, and with her warm personality, she’s bound to find a nice guy with whom she can have a nice, long-term relationship. The big problem with her is: she’s REALLY desperate! And no amount amount of friendly advice-giving seems to make her realize that with high expectations, come low results.

To be honest, the word “desperate” doesn’t even cut it with Sally. She’s at that post-30 phase of her life when she needs a MAN, and needs a man NOW! Get this: As a pretty religious person for most of her life, she had tried to remain a virgin until marriage. And up to that point, she had succeeded. But getting sick of waiting (she was approaching 30), Sally actually made an ultimatum to GOD, if you can believe it: deliver me my husband by New Year’s Eve, or I swear I’ll give up my body! Now, New Year’s Eve being only about a MONTH AWAY at the time, this was a pretty unrealistic request.

Sure enough, the "deadline" came and went without a husband falling into her lap (imagine that!). Now Sally, once a model of purity and patience, is the most IMpatient, most reckless girl, most promiscuous girl around. She’ll sleep with guys after knowing them for all of 10 minutes, hoping they’ll be "the one". She’d be at dinner with one guy, and text another in the middle of the conversation! And worst of all, she just keeps hopping on the Merry-Go-Round of men, with no merry end in sight. She EXPECTS to actively find the man of her dreams; to sniff him out, to hunt him down. Instead of being patient and letting things come as they are, she actually thinks that finding a husband involves sleeping with guy after guy, until the right one magically shows up.

But life doesn’t work that way, does it?  Especially for guys.  We don’t quite RESPOND so well to female desperation, do we?

Nope, the best things in life don’t come when you’re looking. They come when you’re NOT looking, when your expectations are ZERO. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, my future wife didn’t come to me when she or I was looking; we met, quite by accident, on a train in Berlin. At the time, Jen, like Sally, wanted to get married relatively soon. She could have been like her friend and pushed the issue, gone out and go hubbie hunting. But she knew that if she forced it upon me, or anyone else for that matter, I sure as hell wouldn’t accede to it! So by being patient, and seeing what resulted in her life, she actually got what she wanted in the end. Patience pays.

But Sally doesn’t have patience, and so she doesn’t have positive results. We both try to help her out, to make her slow down and just enjoy life as it unfolds, but it never works. She breaks the rule that says that the less you push, the more you pull in. Sadly, all she’s been pulling in is misery.

So if you’re hoping for a great girlfriend, or a future wife, whose example do you want to follow? The patient, not-too-high expectations of my fiancee, or the gotta-have-it-now, unreasonable expectations example of Sally?

It’s your choice. But remember, good things come to those who wait.