It seemed like there was no chance this marriage could go wrong for my friend Sal.  He was in love with this gal.  Mary was THE one.  They had only dated for 4 months, were only 20 years old, and neither had ever lived with a partner before, but still it felt meant to be.  Sal had never dated much, in fact had some difficulty getting any girl to date him.  But Mary had seen something in him, and that was all he needed.  He wasn’t going to be lonely for the rest of his life, something he had always feared.   This marriage was going to last forever.  He knew it.

Well, that’s what Steve thought he knew.  But it only took 9 months before Sal and Mary bitterly ended their train-wreck of a marriage.  What had seemed like a perfect union when he proposed, became a perfect disaster in less than a year.  A year earlier they had talked of love, and within a year they talked of hate and bitterness.  Sal couldn’t quite figure out what went wrong, but to me it was immediately obvious: He went for the first girl who gave him a chance.  Because he didn’t want to be lonely.  And he didn’t think he was good enough to get anyone else.

Funny thing is, like so many other people who rushed into marriage to avoid loneliness, Sal got exactly that.  And when he marries again, it’s probably only going to be worse.

Did you know that divorce rates are actually HIGHER for those in a second or third marriage than for those in their first marriage?  Why is that?  How can a man or woman who’s already been divorced possibly want to go through another?

The reason begins with choice.  Or the lack thereof.

A big problem for us men is not having enough choices in women.  Some of this we can’t control, such as if there are a disproportionate number of men to women in our area.  Or if there just aren’t many young women in your town.

But usually, the problem is self-inflicted.  We just go for the first women who seems crazy enough to hook up with us, and enter into a long-term relationship with her because we fear we won’t get anyone better.  We doubt the power that’s within us.  That was the case with Sal.

But that attitude isn’t fair.  Not to you, and definitely NOT to the woman.

Think about it.  If your woman went out with you just because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to find a better man, would you call that love?  Hell no.  It’s more like desperation.  And yet there are millions of men who have this desperate kind of thinking.

The good news is, It doesn’t have to be this way! 

If you decide what it is you really need in a woman, then you won’t go into a relationship with a girl if she doesn’t conform to what you need.  If you can’t stand a woman who’s a neat freak, don’t let a realtionship with someone who’s like that last.  If you like privacy and she needs to be around you every second of the day, spare BOTH of yourselves lots of heartache.

The key is to know what you want, and to actually be PICKY about it.  Even if you’re having trouble getting women, entering into a relationship with a woman just because she’s willing to date you, is a recipe for disaster.  It’s also the reason there are so many divorces–divorces like my friend Sal’s.

Relationship expert Ken Kenny puts it best: "The more a man can come from a place of choice…two things happen, #1, the higher quality women he will attract, and #2, the more likely the relationships will last, because he won’t rush into something that isn’t ideal."

What I love so much about that quote is its self-empowering nature.  It tells us men that no matter how desperate we are, the power lies within us to get what we want.  And by believing in ourselves, by being choosy, we actually will get what we want.

So guys, don’t just go for anyone.  KNOW who you want, and even if the woman is beautiful, don’t let her get away with unacceptable behavior.  If your woman drives you crazy, and you can’t fix the problem, then GET AWAY.  Don’t let the relationship decay any further.  Have the courage to go for someone who’s more like you, who can give you the REAL love you need.  Because if you don’t want to be alone, it’s better to be choosy and find true love, then go with the first girl you get, and find true heartbreak.  Just like Sal.

My fiancee suggested I read a book called "Boundaries Before Marriage".  Since all the books she recommends tend to be romance novels or relationship builders, I was immediately skeptical.  I mean, the last book she hyped was a love story taking place in the Gold Rush days.  So just seeing the title of this latest one was enough to make me roll my eyes. 

But believe it or not, it actually has some pretty classy advice that every man should take into heart.  I particularly like the introduction, where it gives seven reasons why dating is actually a good thing for all of us.  Some of the reasons include "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context", "Dating provides a context to work through issues", and "Dating can heal and repair".  All very valid arguments for us to continue dating, rather than avoiding what is, for many, a very painful experience. 

I mean, yeah, I’ve had some harsh breakups, and girls I wish I could have continued seeing.  There was even a time when *I* didn’t want to date anyone.  But I realized, through reading "Boundaries Before Marriage", that when one views the whole dating thing as a JOURNEY, instead of a collection of regrets and sorrows, everything makes a lot more sense.  I no longer looked at my dating past in terms of memories purely positive and purely negative.  Instead, I suddenly saw it all as an incredible journey, a road full of personal developments, all winding towards the ultimate destination of finding "The One".

When viewed like that, I don’t have a single regret.  There are good times, there are bad times.  But at the end of the dating journey (i.e., marriage), what’s most important is how we’ve changed, how we adapt to the various potholes along the way, to get where we want to go. 

We should view past experiences as an opportunity to develop, a journey into ourselves.  For me, one of the hardest things was "the girl who got away".  I really liked this one Aussie girl I met four years back, and essentially chased her back to Australia.  It didn’t work out, and we completely lost touch.  I COULD just look at the experience in totally negative terms; I mean, this girl I adored didn’t feel the same way about me, and I travelled halfway around the world only to get my heart crushed. 

But wait: there’s a silver lining in this grey cloud.  This was just one step in the road towards being with the girl I was meant for.  I turned out to love Australia, and came back a year later to study at the University of Wollongong.  I made some good friends I still stay in touch with, and also met an Asian girl I liked quite a lot.  I even thought for a time that she was "The One".  I really enjoyed being with Tissa, but at the same time, I felt something pulling me back to New York.  I wasn’t used to being away from "The Big Apple" for so long, and missed it a lot.  When the semester ended, I had a choice to make: make lots of money back in New York, or continue living in Australia, no job at hand, but with a girl I thought I loved. 

In the end, something lured me back to New York.  I just had to get back there.  Naturally, Tissa was heartbroken.  How could I do this to her?  I had promised I loved her!  Viewed in terms of the experience all by itself, it was a pretty bad time.  It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I had actually done the wrong thing. 

But viewed as just another checkpoint in my life’s journey, it was the best thing for both of us.  I got New York out of my system, and while in the Big Apple, met an incredible girl.  A girl who would become my wife.  Not only that, but Tissa grew as a person; it actually turned out that we were quite different to each other, and definitely not made for each other.  Now SHE’S living life to the fullest with someone she cares about.  Funny how life works, isn’t it? 

None of this was obvious at the time, of course; it took time to discover.  Pain is a natural part of life, and sometimes you just can’t avoid it.  But when viewed as part of the bigger picture, there are benefits to our painful experiences: By getting New York out of my system, I had no problem moving to New Zealand to be with my fiancee.  I no longer felt like I had to be in New York, so I wasn’t going to run away again.  And the other girls I was attracted to, have progressed in their life’s journeys, as well.  One of them is happily married.

My journey towards love had some strange detours along the way.  But in the end, the most important thing in the journey that is dating is not to look at where you turned off The Road.  It’s to see how you got back on it.