Online dating is a multi-million dollar business, but for my money, I’d rather meet girls the natural way: out and about, in real-life situations.  Not the bar, not the club.  Just natural, fun ways that get both of you participating and talking about common interests and acquaintances.  

Think that’s not possible?  Au contraire. There are LOTS of great places to meet girls that don’t involve shelling out $75 a night for drinks or $30 just to get into a club. I met my girlfriend of the last two years on a tour through Berlin, and I know another guy who met his wife in his economics class. In both cases, we guys didn’t EXPECT anything to happen, and that was key. Remember, when you’re not looking, that’s when girls tend to show up!  Expect the unexpected.

Besides this fact, girls LOVE to have a romantic story about how they met you. Believe me, they’d rather say that they met you in a one-in-a-million chance encounter in Paris than in a club, dancing to raunchy music. You have to appeal to their romantic sensibilities. Just look at all the Hollywood movies, like "Sleepless in Seattle", where girls meet guys on the radio, on the Empire State Building, in places you generally WOULDN’T EXPECT TO MEET.

It’s a fundamental rule: Girls don’t want the everyday, the routine, the expected. They want the unexpected, the unlikely, the unbelievable. They want something special they can tell all their friends, and that’s why looking—or rather, NOT actively looking—outside the regular venues is a winning idea.

So what are some places I recommend for meeting the love of your life? Well, of course you can’t HAVE the attitude that you’re looking; just play it cool, and be patient. I recommend the following five places:

Abroad. While travelling solo can work, it’s even better to go on a tour.  Instant access to lots of girls travelling alone (or with a friend), and wanting to find a man of their own. Tours are GREAT ways for meeting chicks. And no matter where you’re from, there are SO many benefits to going to a country carrying a foreign accent.

At work. I ONLY recommend this if you are not in the same exact office together; you need some distance between you in case things go south. NEVER go for a girl who works 5 feet away from you; it will just create too many problems. My best friend’s messy relationship with an office mate proves this!  But I dated a girl who worked in another department, and the break-up was fine; no messy office problems, no anxiety in the workplace. So if the attraction is there, right along with the distance, work offers a bounty of potential mates.

Evening Classes. Doesn’t get much easier than this. Social network? Check. You’re in the class, you get to know people, you’re all it in together. Something in common with the girl? Duh. Double check! Easy conversations—talk about the class, your dreams, what you’re doing here, etc. There are many other advantages, as well, but I think you can see how classes are a great way to find a girl. The best ones are those that only last 5-10 weeks—that way if you do go out with a classmate and things go sour, you won’t have to see her for long afterwards!

Through friends and family. In a "Sex in America" study, it was found that roughly two-thirds of the marrying couples met through mutual friends, coworkers, or family members. Never underestimate the value of using your friends, family, and even work acquaintances and classmates to find you a special someone. The best example I can think of is my good friend Rick, who met his wife through mutual friends. The two have been madly in love for 6 years and married for just over one year, and it’s still going great. Clearly there is value in using your "human resources" to find a girlfriend, or even wife.

Random places.  As you know from my blog on Expectations, often the best relationships are created when you’re not looking. For example, on a night when I wasn’t even on the prowl, I met a girl I would date for two years while waiting for the NYC subway! And I met another girlfriend on a bus in Australia. You may only meet her for five minutes, but big things can happen from small moments.  Life is crazy, so embrace the unpredictability of it all!

This should help all of you out there wanting to know how and where to meet more women.  Good luck, and remember: the less you look, the more you find!  Go to one of these places relaxed and not desperate, and you may not even have to look.  Your dream girl might just come and find YOU.

Ever heard of Chanel?  The monster perfume and cosmetics brand?  Its founder said something fascinating: "In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different."

You don’t create value by being like everyone else, by doing things everyone EXPECTS you to do. 

You become extraordinary by doing things that AREN’T ordinary.  Just ask the guy Marie-Claire Magazine calls "The World’s Greatest Pickup Artist".

The first time I heard of him was when I read Neil Strauss’s The Game.  He sounded like a true character, a man larger than a life, a guy who lived for the spotlight.  And who truly enjoyed the company of women.  I wasn’t sure his stuff could work; it sounded so out there, so crazy, so…unique.

Kind of like the man himself.

Yup, Mystery really is just that.  He’s unusual.  He’s controversial.  And he’s one of a kind.  Remember my lesson on doing the unexpected?  Going against the grain?  Surprising women?  Mystery does all that.  And that, along with so many other reasons, is why HE gets the girls.  He doesn’t do "conventional".  Not even part of his vocabulary.

So is it any wonder girls love him? 

It really does pay to be different.  Look at all the things Mystery does that are counter-intuitive–the opposite of what we men normally do, and women normally expect.  Normally, we men just go up to a girl and start talking.  We don’t project value. 

But not Mystery.  He doesn’t go for normal routines.  He shows girls he’s worth being around by demonstrating his talent, via magic tricks and illusions.  Stuff that most people can’t do…or don’t bother to do.  Most guys think their looks and machismo will get them girls, but most of the times, it doesn’t. 

Mystery isn’t most guys.  What 95% of the guys–the "majority"–don’t do, he does.  So what if it makes him part of the minority?  The minority win!

A lot of guys show their interest in women right away.  They fawn over a hot girl, and stay around way longer than they should.  But Mystery, as always, does the opposite: through his "negs" and Artificial Time Constraints, he limits the amount of interest he shows (even going so far as to tease and ridicule girls) and the limit of time he spends around them.  As this is the opposite of what girls expect, it’s no wonder they themselves fawn over Mystery!

And there’s more: Most of us let our lack of Hollywood looks get to us.  Not Mystery.  He knows he’s not great looking, and celebrates it.  He paints his nails.  Wears platform shoes.  Doesn’t style his hair like all the metro’s out there.  In other words, he does the opposite of what girls expect.  And when you go against what a girl’s brain expects, you literally create chemistry between you–her brain sends out chemicals that are pleasing.  She releases pheromones.  In other words, SHE BECOMES ATTRACTED TO YOU.

All because you were different.  And in being different, you become irreplaceable.  Just like Chanel…and just like Mystery.

Just listen to his students.  For those of you who heard the newsletter interview with my good friend Mechanic, his students will testify to the greatness of Mystery’s patented "Mystery Method" greatness.  The guy teaches you in person, in "the field" (ie, bars and clubs with lots of women), how to approach, converse, and flirt with women.  He’ll get you from the point of first meeting to the point of physical contact, in just 7 hours–sometimes less.  As dubious as this might sound, my friend Mechanic, and so many other guys, have testified to its verity.  It’s completely different than anything else they’ve learned–and that’s why it works.

So what can we get out of this?  There IS hope out there for all of us: the shy, the fearful, the ones who are worried that we’re "not like everyone else".  The guy who will teach you how to get the women you want, isn’t like everyone either.  He’s unconventional.  Unique.  Not the same old, same old.

But then, when has being the same old, same old gotten people like Mystery anywhere? 

There’s nothing worse than being in a slump. 

Or so they say. 

I’ve been there, chances are you’ve been there, and I have a good friend who’s there right now.  It’s affected just about every guy, and is the ultimate discouragement in our pursuit of women…if you let it be.  For all its negative undertones, being in a slump doesn’t have to be the worst thing ever.  There are actually benefits to taking a timeout from girls, and the sooner you see these benefits, the sooner you’ll actually get out of your drought and into the female zone you’re seeking.

The first step out of a slump is to BELIEVE that you’ll get out of the slump.  May be harder than it sounds, but believe me, it’s crucial to adopt that mindset.  The guys who are quickest to get out of a drought are those who don’t throw a pity party for themselves, who don’t flee back to their ex’s in desperation, and who remain focused on the other parts of their life, the parts that will attract women to them in the first place: work, sports, friends, etc.

My friend Sal is in a slump for the first time in a while.  He dated one girl for 5 full years, and now that he finally broke up with her, he doesn’t know what to do.  It’s been about a month, which is a lot shorter time period than a lot of guys I know who have been through the same, and he’s already getting cranky, depressed, and tempted to go back to his girlfriend, despite the fact that he knows she’s not right for him. 

But in situations like his, you have to HOLD YOUR GROUND.  Yeah, it blows being in a slump when it seems like no girl is into you.  It’s frustrating as hell not getting any love or sex for a long stretch.  But you know what?  It’s also rewarding, which brings me to my next Slump Salvation tidbit:

Use the free time you have with no girlfriend or booty call to improve yourself.

Sal doesn’t seem to be doing this.  He’s wasting lots of time going online, searching for girls he miiiiight be able to get a date with (I’m no believer in online dating), and groveling over how he can’t seem to get a girl, even when it seems like she’s interested in him.  He’s giving women power over his life, making it seem like having one is the sole purpose in life, instead of empowering HIMSELF and going on living with a purpose that isn’t women-related.

As I’ve said so many times before, the funny thing about not looking for a girl is that THAT is when you are most likely to get one.  So instead of wasting hours on end looking on MySpace or Lavalife or whatever other dating sites you may use, and beating yourself up for being single, get on with your life!  Show women that you’re a fun guy, a man in control of his own destiny.  The great thing about being single is that you have the time that you wouldn’te when you’re with a girl, to learn new things that generally impress girls: how to cook a great meal, enjoying sports and getting in shape, travelling wherever you want and opening up to new things in life.

A lot of guys stop learning, stop opening themselves up when they’re with a girl.  They become complacent, oversatisfied, content that now that they’ve found a girlfriend or wife, as if they’ve reached the top of the mountain.

Nah.  Doesn’t work that way.  Having a woman is only one piece of the pie.

In fact, when you stop exploring life and committing yourself to new things, that’s when a girl often loses interest.  She sees that her boyfriend or husband has settled down and has become boring.  Things don’t change, when girls often like change and new things.  And often, that’s exactly when a woman leaves a man.

The time you have alone is your time of preparation, of becoming an exciting person.  I, for example, was definitely not ready 10 years ago for the relationships I have been in over the last five years.  I used the time in my teens and early 20’s to build myself up and find out who I was and who I wanted to be.  Since I took the time to find MYSELF, to build up my character and personality, it was no wonder that I was subsequently able to find girls, in return.

If you’re in a drought, don’t think of it as a bad situation–see it as a good one.  You’ve already taken the time to read this column and sort some things out, and that’s an awesome start.  Learn everything you can, do everything you have time to do.  Remember that there’s probably a good reason you’re single right now; perhaps it was meant to be and it’s your chance to learn more about yourself and what it is you really love.  Not every girl is made for every girl–there’s a special girl (or girls) out there just for you, but you have to build up your identity and purpose before you can find her.

Once you get a good understanding of your purpose in life and what you want to do with it, you’ll find that you enjoy things more.  If your goal is to become a successful business owner who travels the world, use your free time now to determine how you’re going to achieve that goal, and go on doing it.  Hunker down to build that business, and use your free time to see the world (you’ll probably meet a girl while travelling).  I guarantee you that once you have a path, an understanding of what your life is about, girls will begin to enter your life.  You’ll be having so much fun doing what moves you, what fills you up, that you won’t even be searching for women.  But as I said before, that’s exactly when they show up.

So remember, believe that you’ll get out of the slump, use the time that the slump affords you with, and you’ll go from bust to boon in no time!

In my previous post I talked about how girls are more inclined to give off, and notice, body signals than guys, and are ALWAYS looking for signs from us guys, as well.  Since then a lot of guys have been asking me what we men should do for body language, so this column will give you the answers.

You have to remember that whatever you say, however you gesture your hands, arms, head, and eyes, women are NOT taking your movements at face value.  If she jokes with you and you lightly push her away as if to say "Stop", she’s taking that simple gesture as something more: interest, dis-interest, enjoyment, annoyance–any of a million different signals.  She’s reading it for further suggestions as to what kind of guy you are, and what your interest in her is.  Know that with body language, girls are always reading the way you move and act!

Here are my "Lucky Seven" best ways to show interest:

1. The confident eye gaze
2. The "Dale Head Drop"
3. Smile!
4. Open body language
5. Lean in to her
6. Thumbs in belt
7. Touch her

Let’s look at each in more detail:

1.  The confident eye gaze

This is how you start your interest.  Nothing shows confidence off the bat like meeting a girl’s eyes, and KEEPING  YOUR STARE.  If you see her look down and smile, you know you’ve made it and the time to approach is now.  If she looks away from you but doesn’t smile, give her a shot nonetheless; just the fact that she met your eyes for a second or two shows interest.

2.  The Dale Head Drop

So named after the guy who mastered the art of getting women rushing to his side, just with a simple shrug!  If you really want to blow away a girl–and show some balls–meet a girl’s eyes, then knowingly drop your head to the side, as if to say, "Hey, you know you want me.  Come over here and get me!"  I’ve found this to work incredibly well in foreign countries.  In the States, the girls tend to be able to see through it a bit more–but it still works!

3.  Smile!

It’s often overlooked, but nothing communicates happiness, confidence, and interest in a girl all in one like a nice big smile.  Show the girl you’re in control, show her you’re confident, show her you’re a fun guy to be around: brighten the place up with a big smile!  And if your teeth need work, then get them fixed!  It’s good not just for your chances of meeting a girl, but also for your health and appearance!

4.  Open Body Language

So many guys walk or sit with their arms crossed, their legs close together, and their faces anxious and flat.  Stop that!  Welcome a girl into your world: Have your arms open and leaned back, your legs open and relaxed, your face warm and inviting.  You’ll not only attract yourself into a girl’s world, but also into the world of people at a party, club, or bar who can help you meet a future girlfriend–or even wife!

5.  Lean in to her

As you’re talking to a girl, especially while seated, show her your interest with confidence by leaning in closer.  You don’t want to be a creep, of course, but you can generally tell by a girl’s body language and talk how interested she is in you.  If things are looking good, show her your control of the situation–and interest in her–by leaning in and generally getting closer to her.  Leaning back does the opposite; it shows you’re unconfident and not overly interested.  Not what you want to communicate.

6.  Thumbs in belt

Ever put your thumbs in your belt, with your hands at your hips’ side?  This is processed as a sign of being confident in one’s sexuality and size.  So if you’re standing around at a bar or club and want to convey confidence, this will certainly be understood by girls! 

7.  Touch her!

Yup, nothing gets you closer to a girl than physical touch.  Great conversations and emotional/spiritual chemistry are great, but if you really want to take it to the next level, you’ll have to eventually show some balls and touch her.  I’m not talking about grabbing her and making out (unless it really is going that well and she’s flirting out of control!), but doing little things: brushing your arm by her shoulders, lightly massaging her, leading her by the arm to another location in the place.  By making a physical connection, you’re giving her a sign loud and clear that you’re confident in yourself and interested in her. 

No one can deny that body language plays an important role in catching girls’ attention–and noticing it.  A lot of attention has been paid to how we men can flirt better with women, but don’t forget knowing when THEY are flirting at US.  So many times we miss out on a potential mate because we don’t notice that’s she interested in us.  With that said, here are some common body language cues women give off.  Keep your eyes open–and your body ready.

BAD BODY LANGUAGE

1. Not making eye contact with you—looking around, eyeing her friends, looking anywhere but at you

2. Legs crossed—always a bad sign.  This means she’s closing herself off to you

3. Arms crossed—This can convey annoyance and impatience.  Definitely a bad sign.

4. Hands on her hips—This can also convey impatience.  Not looking good.

5. Leaning backwards—It’s much better when a woman is leaning towards you.  If you notice her leaning away from you, keeping her distance, it means you’ve gotten too close for her comfort and she’s not that into you, at least at this point.

6. A weak handshake—Do you shake a girl’s hands when you meet her?  If you do and notice that hers is weak and she is quick to take back her hand, then she’s not very impressed.

GOOD BODY LANGUAGE

1. She looks down when you see her and smiles–A very good sign.  She’s shy but wants you to come over to talk to her.

2. She’s twirling her hair around–Definitely into you.

3. Licks her lips–unless you can tell she’s screwing with you, this is a very good sign!

4. Open legs–Open legs, open mind.  She’s open to hearing more from you–and who knows what else.

5. Sideways glance–The classic Hollywood flirtation, this is a coy, seductive way of showing her interest

6. Fondling a cylindrical object (cigarette, glass, etc.)–VERY good sign!  And a hint of what she may have in mind for later on in the evening…

7. Fondling her shoe (shoe is slight off her foot, twisting her foot in circles)–This is that classic shy signal that girls use to display interest.

8. The "leg twine"–one leg pressed hard against the other to give the appearance of high muscle tone–very good sign

9. The head toss–If she tosses her hair back over her shoulders, this is definitely a good gesture.

10. Exposed wrists–If she’s interested in you, she will gradually display the smooth, soft skin of her wrists to a guy she’s interested in.  Wrists are actually considered one of the more erotic areas of the body–so if she’s showing you this sexual area–go for it!

Hopefully you can put some of these lessons to use right away.  Good luck, and stay tuned for Part 2, when I’ll show you how to send off some body language signals of your own to women you’re interested in. 

My fiancee suggested I read a book called "Boundaries Before Marriage".  Since all the books she recommends tend to be romance novels or relationship builders, I was immediately skeptical.  I mean, the last book she hyped was a love story taking place in the Gold Rush days.  So just seeing the title of this latest one was enough to make me roll my eyes. 

But believe it or not, it actually has some pretty classy advice that every man should take into heart.  I particularly like the introduction, where it gives seven reasons why dating is actually a good thing for all of us.  Some of the reasons include "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context", "Dating provides a context to work through issues", and "Dating can heal and repair".  All very valid arguments for us to continue dating, rather than avoiding what is, for many, a very painful experience. 

I mean, yeah, I’ve had some harsh breakups, and girls I wish I could have continued seeing.  There was even a time when *I* didn’t want to date anyone.  But I realized, through reading "Boundaries Before Marriage", that when one views the whole dating thing as a JOURNEY, instead of a collection of regrets and sorrows, everything makes a lot more sense.  I no longer looked at my dating past in terms of memories purely positive and purely negative.  Instead, I suddenly saw it all as an incredible journey, a road full of personal developments, all winding towards the ultimate destination of finding "The One".

When viewed like that, I don’t have a single regret.  There are good times, there are bad times.  But at the end of the dating journey (i.e., marriage), what’s most important is how we’ve changed, how we adapt to the various potholes along the way, to get where we want to go. 

We should view past experiences as an opportunity to develop, a journey into ourselves.  For me, one of the hardest things was "the girl who got away".  I really liked this one Aussie girl I met four years back, and essentially chased her back to Australia.  It didn’t work out, and we completely lost touch.  I COULD just look at the experience in totally negative terms; I mean, this girl I adored didn’t feel the same way about me, and I travelled halfway around the world only to get my heart crushed. 

But wait: there’s a silver lining in this grey cloud.  This was just one step in the road towards being with the girl I was meant for.  I turned out to love Australia, and came back a year later to study at the University of Wollongong.  I made some good friends I still stay in touch with, and also met an Asian girl I liked quite a lot.  I even thought for a time that she was "The One".  I really enjoyed being with Tissa, but at the same time, I felt something pulling me back to New York.  I wasn’t used to being away from "The Big Apple" for so long, and missed it a lot.  When the semester ended, I had a choice to make: make lots of money back in New York, or continue living in Australia, no job at hand, but with a girl I thought I loved. 

In the end, something lured me back to New York.  I just had to get back there.  Naturally, Tissa was heartbroken.  How could I do this to her?  I had promised I loved her!  Viewed in terms of the experience all by itself, it was a pretty bad time.  It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I had actually done the wrong thing. 

But viewed as just another checkpoint in my life’s journey, it was the best thing for both of us.  I got New York out of my system, and while in the Big Apple, met an incredible girl.  A girl who would become my wife.  Not only that, but Tissa grew as a person; it actually turned out that we were quite different to each other, and definitely not made for each other.  Now SHE’S living life to the fullest with someone she cares about.  Funny how life works, isn’t it? 

None of this was obvious at the time, of course; it took time to discover.  Pain is a natural part of life, and sometimes you just can’t avoid it.  But when viewed as part of the bigger picture, there are benefits to our painful experiences: By getting New York out of my system, I had no problem moving to New Zealand to be with my fiancee.  I no longer felt like I had to be in New York, so I wasn’t going to run away again.  And the other girls I was attracted to, have progressed in their life’s journeys, as well.  One of them is happily married.

My journey towards love had some strange detours along the way.  But in the end, the most important thing in the journey that is dating is not to look at where you turned off The Road.  It’s to see how you got back on it.