While in Christchurch, New Zealand recently (it’s "sweet as" to all you Kiwis), I read a funny article in The Press.  Just the title alone caught my attention: "If you dump a woman she hates you, OK?"  So you knew I had to read on…

Well, this interesting article, by Barbara Ellen, explains in a light but serious-enough tone the hurt that women go through when a man breaks up with them.  "If you dump a woman," Ellen writes, "however sweet she appears to be about it, she hates you [emphasis added]–do you get that?  You have rejected her, probably completely wasted her time, and you want to remain ‘friends’?  Fine, so long as you don’t mind having ‘friends’ who would happily knit jumpers with your intestines."  Funny, but frighteningly true.

Yes, for men, breaking up with women is no walk in the park.  Many times we wait ages to execute the deed we’ve wanted to do for weeks, months, even years.  We start to feel guilty, start to wonder if we really can get another girl, and most of all, start to fear that this girl could be some crazy psycho out to stalk and murder us! 

 My brother went through an episode like that–the girl he "broke up with" (it was really just more of a fling) didn’t go to bed, paced in his hallway all night, and kept him awake out of the very real fear that she could murder him in his sleep!  When women are dumped, it doesn’t matter how nice you may have been about it: all THEY see is the bad!  They go into freak mode, and there’s no stopping that.  As Ellen writes,

"Female dumpees are usually too busy in the aftermath of a dumping to sit down and think rationally about whether a man has been nice or not.  They have to get on with the really important stuff (slashing tyres, burning down houses, eventually getting arrested).  It’s a nightmare;there’s just so much to do."

A lighthearted commentary on a very serious issue.  What should we men do when we no longer feel love (or horniness) in our heart for a woman? 

Well, as it turns out, there’s actually a company in Germany called Separation Services (I’m sure the German words for it are about 157 letters long) that has made a business out of doing the dumping for US!  This is no joke: The company is run by a guy nicknamed "Terminator" (if only this were run out of Austria!) "who, for a small fee, will do your dumping for you, offering a range of services from ‘sensitive phone call’ to ‘personalized house visit’ (the deluxe package featuring a ‘detailed explanation’ about why they are getting dumped)."

Is this really how bad the dumping scene has gotten?  Do we actually need men named Terminator to do the dumping for us?  I mean, I never enjoyed dumping girls either, but I can’t see someone ELSE doing it for me!

There’s a right way and a wrong way to breaking up with a girl, and I don’t see how hiring a guy named after an Arnold Schwarzenegger character could be listed in the "Right" category. 

On top of that, I disagree with what Ellen says about remaining friends; just because you break up with a girl does not automatically mean that her idea of being friends is stalking you and vandalizing your property.  I’ve had more than a few breakups, but I’m actually still friends with most of the girls I broke up with.  Sure, this was hurt, there was anger, there were long periods of not talking to one another.

But you know what?  I did the breakup with RESPECT and HONESTY, and when you do that, it’s only a matter of time til women see that, in fact, you WERE being nice about it.  Sometimes they even thank you for it, seeing that you weren’t the right man for them and opened the door for a better one.  The same, of course, applies to us men. 

There’s actually GROWTH in dating; sometimes, all it takes is a breakup for someone to wake up and realize that they don’t need someone to find true happiness.  A breakup can lead to bigger and better things, and better people.  When people are honest with each other and with themselves, a break-up doesn’t have to lead to revenge or calling up a German dating termination service.  Instead, it becomes an opportunity, a liberation, a fresh start. 

As Ellen admits,

"It’s never pretty, but men should remember that if they dump well (kindly and with grace), it could be possible that, just a few tears and death threats later (perhaps a touch of light stalking), most women will be able to move on and rediscover the joys of single life."

Well put…but light stalking and death threats don’t have to occur.  Sometimes, a man and a woman can even put past differences and hurts aside enough to make up and start their relationship anew.  I know a few couples who have done this, and it’s led to beautiful, blissful relationships.

So, what’s the BEST way to determine if you should make up…or break up?

ANSWER: My "How to Be Irresistible to Women" course!  In my interactive audio course, yours for less than the price of a tank of gas, you’ll discover not only how to enjoy a great relationship, but how to set up future ones: ways to meet great women, how to spark emotional attractions, the first date…and getting physical.  You’ll learn 10 great places to meet women, my special "tantalize technique," how to move things to the next level, and tips for sizzling sex.  It’s all in there, and so much more.

Learn how to attract the women of your dreams NOW!

There’s nothing worse than being in a slump. 

Or so they say. 

I’ve been there, chances are you’ve been there, and I have a good friend who’s there right now.  It’s affected just about every guy, and is the ultimate discouragement in our pursuit of women…if you let it be.  For all its negative undertones, being in a slump doesn’t have to be the worst thing ever.  There are actually benefits to taking a timeout from girls, and the sooner you see these benefits, the sooner you’ll actually get out of your drought and into the female zone you’re seeking.

The first step out of a slump is to BELIEVE that you’ll get out of the slump.  May be harder than it sounds, but believe me, it’s crucial to adopt that mindset.  The guys who are quickest to get out of a drought are those who don’t throw a pity party for themselves, who don’t flee back to their ex’s in desperation, and who remain focused on the other parts of their life, the parts that will attract women to them in the first place: work, sports, friends, etc.

My friend Sal is in a slump for the first time in a while.  He dated one girl for 5 full years, and now that he finally broke up with her, he doesn’t know what to do.  It’s been about a month, which is a lot shorter time period than a lot of guys I know who have been through the same, and he’s already getting cranky, depressed, and tempted to go back to his girlfriend, despite the fact that he knows she’s not right for him. 

But in situations like his, you have to HOLD YOUR GROUND.  Yeah, it blows being in a slump when it seems like no girl is into you.  It’s frustrating as hell not getting any love or sex for a long stretch.  But you know what?  It’s also rewarding, which brings me to my next Slump Salvation tidbit:

Use the free time you have with no girlfriend or booty call to improve yourself.

Sal doesn’t seem to be doing this.  He’s wasting lots of time going online, searching for girls he miiiiight be able to get a date with (I’m no believer in online dating), and groveling over how he can’t seem to get a girl, even when it seems like she’s interested in him.  He’s giving women power over his life, making it seem like having one is the sole purpose in life, instead of empowering HIMSELF and going on living with a purpose that isn’t women-related.

As I’ve said so many times before, the funny thing about not looking for a girl is that THAT is when you are most likely to get one.  So instead of wasting hours on end looking on MySpace or Lavalife or whatever other dating sites you may use, and beating yourself up for being single, get on with your life!  Show women that you’re a fun guy, a man in control of his own destiny.  The great thing about being single is that you have the time that you wouldn’te when you’re with a girl, to learn new things that generally impress girls: how to cook a great meal, enjoying sports and getting in shape, travelling wherever you want and opening up to new things in life.

A lot of guys stop learning, stop opening themselves up when they’re with a girl.  They become complacent, oversatisfied, content that now that they’ve found a girlfriend or wife, as if they’ve reached the top of the mountain.

Nah.  Doesn’t work that way.  Having a woman is only one piece of the pie.

In fact, when you stop exploring life and committing yourself to new things, that’s when a girl often loses interest.  She sees that her boyfriend or husband has settled down and has become boring.  Things don’t change, when girls often like change and new things.  And often, that’s exactly when a woman leaves a man.

The time you have alone is your time of preparation, of becoming an exciting person.  I, for example, was definitely not ready 10 years ago for the relationships I have been in over the last five years.  I used the time in my teens and early 20’s to build myself up and find out who I was and who I wanted to be.  Since I took the time to find MYSELF, to build up my character and personality, it was no wonder that I was subsequently able to find girls, in return.

If you’re in a drought, don’t think of it as a bad situation–see it as a good one.  You’ve already taken the time to read this column and sort some things out, and that’s an awesome start.  Learn everything you can, do everything you have time to do.  Remember that there’s probably a good reason you’re single right now; perhaps it was meant to be and it’s your chance to learn more about yourself and what it is you really love.  Not every girl is made for every girl–there’s a special girl (or girls) out there just for you, but you have to build up your identity and purpose before you can find her.

Once you get a good understanding of your purpose in life and what you want to do with it, you’ll find that you enjoy things more.  If your goal is to become a successful business owner who travels the world, use your free time now to determine how you’re going to achieve that goal, and go on doing it.  Hunker down to build that business, and use your free time to see the world (you’ll probably meet a girl while travelling).  I guarantee you that once you have a path, an understanding of what your life is about, girls will begin to enter your life.  You’ll be having so much fun doing what moves you, what fills you up, that you won’t even be searching for women.  But as I said before, that’s exactly when they show up.

So remember, believe that you’ll get out of the slump, use the time that the slump affords you with, and you’ll go from bust to boon in no time!

"The Approach" is one of the most popular subjects discussed in the online seduction scene.  It’s no wonder: How well you approach a girl, especially one you really like, will make or break the rest of the relationship.  In fact, a relationship doesn’t exist if you don’t know how to talk to a girl from the very beginning.  You can be the best guy in the world, a guy girls can only dream of—but if you don’t know how to make an impact and create a memorable impression, well, you’ll never talk to anyone. 

But there’s another approach that’s not discussed nearly as much by relationship experts and bloggers, and yet it’s just as important–maybe more important–as the step-by-step process of talking to a chick.  I’m talking about your approach to life–your mental handle on what comes your way, good or bad.  Because if you don’t know how to deal with rejection, anger, feelings of inferiority–all those negative feelings we all get at one stage or another–then your chances of dealing with women are going to be, well, nil.

Let me ask you something: What do you do when a woman doesn’t want to talk to you?  Do you go back to your friends, bitch about what a cow that girl was, what a crap bar this is, sulk all night?  Do you send out negative vibes to people, so they don’t even want to talk to you because you’re so pessimistic?  Do you vow never to talk to girls again?

Or do you take rejection in stride?  Do you look at the girl as a challenge, at acceptance as something that wasn’t meant to be?  Do you see the bright side in not talking to the girl, as an open door to talking to someone better?  Do you tell yourself, "Hey, it’s okay, her loss" and move on to the next girl, talking to her with energy and positivity?

Believe me, the second approach is a lot better than the first.  Not only for yourself personally, but for your chances…women will see a LOT more in someone who’s handled rejection well, who picks himself up and moves on to the next challenge, than in someone who quits, someone who bitches about life.  Girls don’t want quitters, they don’t want guys who air dirty laundry and complain about everything.  Doesn’t matter how good-looking or rich you are; eventually your negative approach to life is gonna cost you. 

What all girls want is a guy who’s determined.  He may have dealt with rejection, may have tasted defeat, even failed a number of times–but it doesn’t get to him.  He plows on.  He BELIEVES IN HIMSELF.  That’s the kind of attitude EVERYONE wants to be around.  It’s a tide that lifts all boats.

Next time you go out, try to present an approach to life that says, "I love a challenge, I love talking to girls, bring it on!"  Watch as your positive vibe is rubs off on people.  I always say, Enthusiasm is contagious, so if you’re making people feel better about themselves and improving thier approach to life, you’re gonna reap the rewards.  Your social network is gonna explode.  Guys are gonna wanna hang out with you, GIRLS are gonna wanna hang out with you.  And when you’ve got friends, even simple acquaintances, you’ve got people who really want to see you succeed.  They’re gonna be on the lookout for you; they’re gonna want to help you find a great woman. 

Give it a shot.  When you’re energetic and cheering people up, people want to hang around you.  GIRLS will want to hang around you; you’ll find you don’t even have to try!  It really can be that easy.

All it depends on is your approach to life.

Now…how are you gonna deal with a challenge?

It seemed like there was no chance this marriage could go wrong for my friend Sal.  He was in love with this gal.  Mary was THE one.  They had only dated for 4 months, were only 20 years old, and neither had ever lived with a partner before, but still it felt meant to be.  Sal had never dated much, in fact had some difficulty getting any girl to date him.  But Mary had seen something in him, and that was all he needed.  He wasn’t going to be lonely for the rest of his life, something he had always feared.   This marriage was going to last forever.  He knew it.

Well, that’s what Steve thought he knew.  But it only took 9 months before Sal and Mary bitterly ended their train-wreck of a marriage.  What had seemed like a perfect union when he proposed, became a perfect disaster in less than a year.  A year earlier they had talked of love, and within a year they talked of hate and bitterness.  Sal couldn’t quite figure out what went wrong, but to me it was immediately obvious: He went for the first girl who gave him a chance.  Because he didn’t want to be lonely.  And he didn’t think he was good enough to get anyone else.

Funny thing is, like so many other people who rushed into marriage to avoid loneliness, Sal got exactly that.  And when he marries again, it’s probably only going to be worse.

Did you know that divorce rates are actually HIGHER for those in a second or third marriage than for those in their first marriage?  Why is that?  How can a man or woman who’s already been divorced possibly want to go through another?

The reason begins with choice.  Or the lack thereof.

A big problem for us men is not having enough choices in women.  Some of this we can’t control, such as if there are a disproportionate number of men to women in our area.  Or if there just aren’t many young women in your town.

But usually, the problem is self-inflicted.  We just go for the first women who seems crazy enough to hook up with us, and enter into a long-term relationship with her because we fear we won’t get anyone better.  We doubt the power that’s within us.  That was the case with Sal.

But that attitude isn’t fair.  Not to you, and definitely NOT to the woman.

Think about it.  If your woman went out with you just because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to find a better man, would you call that love?  Hell no.  It’s more like desperation.  And yet there are millions of men who have this desperate kind of thinking.

The good news is, It doesn’t have to be this way! 

If you decide what it is you really need in a woman, then you won’t go into a relationship with a girl if she doesn’t conform to what you need.  If you can’t stand a woman who’s a neat freak, don’t let a realtionship with someone who’s like that last.  If you like privacy and she needs to be around you every second of the day, spare BOTH of yourselves lots of heartache.

The key is to know what you want, and to actually be PICKY about it.  Even if you’re having trouble getting women, entering into a relationship with a woman just because she’s willing to date you, is a recipe for disaster.  It’s also the reason there are so many divorces–divorces like my friend Sal’s.

Relationship expert Ken Kenny puts it best: "The more a man can come from a place of choice…two things happen, #1, the higher quality women he will attract, and #2, the more likely the relationships will last, because he won’t rush into something that isn’t ideal."

What I love so much about that quote is its self-empowering nature.  It tells us men that no matter how desperate we are, the power lies within us to get what we want.  And by believing in ourselves, by being choosy, we actually will get what we want.

So guys, don’t just go for anyone.  KNOW who you want, and even if the woman is beautiful, don’t let her get away with unacceptable behavior.  If your woman drives you crazy, and you can’t fix the problem, then GET AWAY.  Don’t let the relationship decay any further.  Have the courage to go for someone who’s more like you, who can give you the REAL love you need.  Because if you don’t want to be alone, it’s better to be choosy and find true love, then go with the first girl you get, and find true heartbreak.  Just like Sal.

You know that Coca-Cola slogan, "Always the real thing"?  It doesn’t just apply to soft drinks.  It also applies to relationships. No matter how many dating seminars you attend, how many books you read, or how many seduction services you subscribe to, none of the lessons are gonna matter if they don’t fit with YOUR personality. 

In his interview with dating guru DeAngelo, relationship expert Carlos Xuma says, "I feel like an idiot if I’m just reciting somebody’s regurgitated lines.  I have to make it personal to me."  I think a lot of guys can relate to that. 

So you have to make your approach, your style, personal to you.  But you also have to make it personal to a woman.  Xuma makes the excellent point that if you use standard, recycled lines on a woman, you make HER feel standard and recycled, as well!  It’s as if she’s a carbon copy of every other woman who’s been branded with the cow-poke of pick-up lines.

Treat her specially, like someone unique, and she’ll treat YOU as someone special and unique, as well.

But how can you expect her to respect you, if you disrespect her by treating her like all the other woman out there?  There’s the failure of overused pick-up lines: They’re not original.  And they’re usually not part of who YOU are. 

As Xuma points out, in deciding how to approach girls, sometimes the best "style" is actually no style.  Don’t do what works for other guys; do what works for you.  I hope that the methods I teach in "How to Be Irresistible to Women" will work for you.  In fact, I’m confident they will.  But if they don’t fit your personality, then don’t use them!  Instead of prescribing to just one method–or worse, to ALL of them–try to use pieces of each of them, until you’re totally prepared for anything.  It’s nice to have a Plan A, but having a back-up Plan B, C, D, and E is even better!

Xuma suggests being like Bruce Lee, who didn’t just one martial art style for himself, but a collection of various ones.  In the end, when he became a star, Lee didn’t practice just one style; he practiced so many, that he didn’t really have any one style.  He just did what fit him.

So it should be for you.  You should be the Bruce Lee of relationships!  And, just like Coca-Cola: "Always the real thing."

My fiancee suggested I read a book called "Boundaries Before Marriage".  Since all the books she recommends tend to be romance novels or relationship builders, I was immediately skeptical.  I mean, the last book she hyped was a love story taking place in the Gold Rush days.  So just seeing the title of this latest one was enough to make me roll my eyes. 

But believe it or not, it actually has some pretty classy advice that every man should take into heart.  I particularly like the introduction, where it gives seven reasons why dating is actually a good thing for all of us.  Some of the reasons include "Dating gives people the opportunity to learn about themselves, others, and relationships in a safe context", "Dating provides a context to work through issues", and "Dating can heal and repair".  All very valid arguments for us to continue dating, rather than avoiding what is, for many, a very painful experience. 

I mean, yeah, I’ve had some harsh breakups, and girls I wish I could have continued seeing.  There was even a time when *I* didn’t want to date anyone.  But I realized, through reading "Boundaries Before Marriage", that when one views the whole dating thing as a JOURNEY, instead of a collection of regrets and sorrows, everything makes a lot more sense.  I no longer looked at my dating past in terms of memories purely positive and purely negative.  Instead, I suddenly saw it all as an incredible journey, a road full of personal developments, all winding towards the ultimate destination of finding "The One".

When viewed like that, I don’t have a single regret.  There are good times, there are bad times.  But at the end of the dating journey (i.e., marriage), what’s most important is how we’ve changed, how we adapt to the various potholes along the way, to get where we want to go. 

We should view past experiences as an opportunity to develop, a journey into ourselves.  For me, one of the hardest things was "the girl who got away".  I really liked this one Aussie girl I met four years back, and essentially chased her back to Australia.  It didn’t work out, and we completely lost touch.  I COULD just look at the experience in totally negative terms; I mean, this girl I adored didn’t feel the same way about me, and I travelled halfway around the world only to get my heart crushed. 

But wait: there’s a silver lining in this grey cloud.  This was just one step in the road towards being with the girl I was meant for.  I turned out to love Australia, and came back a year later to study at the University of Wollongong.  I made some good friends I still stay in touch with, and also met an Asian girl I liked quite a lot.  I even thought for a time that she was "The One".  I really enjoyed being with Tissa, but at the same time, I felt something pulling me back to New York.  I wasn’t used to being away from "The Big Apple" for so long, and missed it a lot.  When the semester ended, I had a choice to make: make lots of money back in New York, or continue living in Australia, no job at hand, but with a girl I thought I loved. 

In the end, something lured me back to New York.  I just had to get back there.  Naturally, Tissa was heartbroken.  How could I do this to her?  I had promised I loved her!  Viewed in terms of the experience all by itself, it was a pretty bad time.  It didn’t take long for me to wonder if I had actually done the wrong thing. 

But viewed as just another checkpoint in my life’s journey, it was the best thing for both of us.  I got New York out of my system, and while in the Big Apple, met an incredible girl.  A girl who would become my wife.  Not only that, but Tissa grew as a person; it actually turned out that we were quite different to each other, and definitely not made for each other.  Now SHE’S living life to the fullest with someone she cares about.  Funny how life works, isn’t it? 

None of this was obvious at the time, of course; it took time to discover.  Pain is a natural part of life, and sometimes you just can’t avoid it.  But when viewed as part of the bigger picture, there are benefits to our painful experiences: By getting New York out of my system, I had no problem moving to New Zealand to be with my fiancee.  I no longer felt like I had to be in New York, so I wasn’t going to run away again.  And the other girls I was attracted to, have progressed in their life’s journeys, as well.  One of them is happily married.

My journey towards love had some strange detours along the way.  But in the end, the most important thing in the journey that is dating is not to look at where you turned off The Road.  It’s to see how you got back on it.

Gossip magazines are great for drama and suspense. But for true amusement, nothing quite entertains me like the ongoing saga of my Desperate-to-Be-a-Housewife English friend, Sally. I’ve come across Sally several times throughout my travels to the UK, and she’s not a bad person. Friendly, generous, and looks-wise, not the worst I’ve ever seen. Getting a guy shouldn’t be that hard for her, and with her warm personality, she’s bound to find a nice guy with whom she can have a nice, long-term relationship. The big problem with her is: she’s REALLY desperate! And no amount amount of friendly advice-giving seems to make her realize that with high expectations, come low results.

To be honest, the word “desperate” doesn’t even cut it with Sally. She’s at that post-30 phase of her life when she needs a MAN, and needs a man NOW! Get this: As a pretty religious person for most of her life, she had tried to remain a virgin until marriage. And up to that point, she had succeeded. But getting sick of waiting (she was approaching 30), Sally actually made an ultimatum to GOD, if you can believe it: deliver me my husband by New Year’s Eve, or I swear I’ll give up my body! Now, New Year’s Eve being only about a MONTH AWAY at the time, this was a pretty unrealistic request.

Sure enough, the "deadline" came and went without a husband falling into her lap (imagine that!). Now Sally, once a model of purity and patience, is the most IMpatient, most reckless girl, most promiscuous girl around. She’ll sleep with guys after knowing them for all of 10 minutes, hoping they’ll be "the one". She’d be at dinner with one guy, and text another in the middle of the conversation! And worst of all, she just keeps hopping on the Merry-Go-Round of men, with no merry end in sight. She EXPECTS to actively find the man of her dreams; to sniff him out, to hunt him down. Instead of being patient and letting things come as they are, she actually thinks that finding a husband involves sleeping with guy after guy, until the right one magically shows up.

But life doesn’t work that way, does it?  Especially for guys.  We don’t quite RESPOND so well to female desperation, do we?

Nope, the best things in life don’t come when you’re looking. They come when you’re NOT looking, when your expectations are ZERO. As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, my future wife didn’t come to me when she or I was looking; we met, quite by accident, on a train in Berlin. At the time, Jen, like Sally, wanted to get married relatively soon. She could have been like her friend and pushed the issue, gone out and go hubbie hunting. But she knew that if she forced it upon me, or anyone else for that matter, I sure as hell wouldn’t accede to it! So by being patient, and seeing what resulted in her life, she actually got what she wanted in the end. Patience pays.

But Sally doesn’t have patience, and so she doesn’t have positive results. We both try to help her out, to make her slow down and just enjoy life as it unfolds, but it never works. She breaks the rule that says that the less you push, the more you pull in. Sadly, all she’s been pulling in is misery.

So if you’re hoping for a great girlfriend, or a future wife, whose example do you want to follow? The patient, not-too-high expectations of my fiancee, or the gotta-have-it-now, unreasonable expectations example of Sally?

It’s your choice. But remember, good things come to those who wait.