Female Fortnight:
Getting a Great Relationship

Amanda is one amazing girl, and her interview was one of my favorites. She's a public relations consultant, and she looks the part. Her goal is to lead a great life in every aspect, including in dating.

Amanda explains what she thinks a "great partner" looks like and where she searches for great guys. She also tells us the most successful technique a man has used to approach her, and it's unbelievably simple. You'll also learn why having common interests matters and what Amanda believes it takes to make a relationship last.

"Always Wear Armani"
Interview with Amanda - 26, Public Relations, New York

Describe yourself: what you do for a living, what you enjoy, etc.

I'm 26, and I work in a PR firm. It's great, because ultimately my goal is to move back to the West Coast and start my own firm there. So, yeah, I guess you could say I'm ambitious. I want to lead a great life. I want to have a great career, a great partner, and have it all. In my spare time, I do volunteer work and maintain websites for several non-profit agencies.

How're you doing on the "great partner" part of it?

Getting there. I've got friends my age who are married, but I'm not ready for that yet. At this stage in my life, I really just want to experience a lot of different relationships that are going to teach me different skills. I'm a firm believer in getting my mistakes out of the way before I get married. You only learn by doing, I think. I used to be really interested in reading up on how to create a great relationship, but now I just think it comes by doing. You've got to approach each relationship as a learning experience.

What have you learned so far?

I've learned that I really have to get better at putting my partner first. There's just so much going on that if I don't prioritize the relationship, we just grow apart. That happened with my last two relationships. We were both so busy that the only time we spent together was doing things that we had to do anyway, like cooking dinner or cleaning up the house.

You've got to make an effort every day to connect with your partner in a meaningful way. When you start out dating, it's easy, because the other person is on your mind all the time. You think of all these really great romantic activities, like walking through the gardens or catching the sunset. Then you move in together, and all those special moments just fade into the boring, mundane daily routine. You feel like because you're living together, you don't have to make an effort.

That's why I'm almost starting to think that with my next relationship, I don't want to live with my partner. I want to keep our relationship feeling "special" as long as I can. There's just something wonderful about spending the night in someone else's bed and waking up in someone else's room that takes you out of your ordinary life and into this very special "couple" place. Once it becomes your mutual bedroom and your mutual bed, you just start taking it for granted.

What does a "great" partner look like?

You mean physically? Someone who takes care of himself and has pride in his appearance. Look, I'm in PR, so I know that the packaging matters just as much as the product. No matter how great you are on the inside, the first clue we have about the interior is what's on the outside.

Just by looking at a guy, I immediately know how much exercise he gets, can usually make a fair guess about what kind of diet he eats, and I also can probably hazard some hunches about how he spends his free time. Clothes are identity, so even if you aren't making conscious choices, you're still carrying someone else's message.

I'm really interested in someone who is as invested as me in making sure that the message he's sending out really reflects him.

Where do you look for great guys?

I love outdoor cafes, because I can just sit outside and eat my lunch and people watch. I've met a couple of great guys who actually work not far from me, because I eat my lunches alone. Going alone to places really helps. I've found that men will approach a woman on her own, but won't approach a woman who's with a friend.

I encourage my friends to introduce me to people they know, and I never turn down a party invitation no matter how much I feel like not going. Sometimes you've just got to force yourself to do it. Because, you know, it'll be that one party you feel like not going to that's the one where you could have met Mr. Right.

What's the most successful technique men have used to approach you?

Usually it's just the most mundane thing, like, "The cafe is sure busy today, isn't it?" or, "Hope we don't get rained on." Just a comment about the environment we share. One thing that helps is being a regular at the same place. Sometimes the owner will get to know both of you and maneuver an introduction. I've actually gone on several dates that way.

How long does it take for you to decide whether you want to get to know him further?

If he's got the guts to start a conversation with me, I'm game. I don't turn anyone down for a conversation. I think that meeting more people is what makes life interesting.

But as for getting to know someone in a romantic way ... it probably takes a while. I'm a great fan of getting to know someone over time and then waking up to how amazing they are. I really enjoy going out with men platonically, like, to shows that we both enjoy. That's one fantastic part of being single: the fact that you can spend time with a lot of different men and experience different sides to life.

What attracts you to a man?

These days, it seems to be a common interest in the media and public relations. Working in the same field means you instantly have something to talk about. The danger, of course, is if you're competitors. I always think about James Carville and Mary Matalin. Both are superb at what they do, but at completely opposite ends of the political spectrum!

You hear of so many affairs started at conferences and seminars, and I think it's because of the allure of being with a group of people who share your own passion. Same with people who join clubs and cooking classes and the like. It's not crazy to go looking for the perfect guy or gal at work or even working for your competition.

I've always believed that sexual chemistry is just the spark that starts a relationship. There has to be slow-burning fuel there for the heat to last. That fuel is what you talk about. Can you imagine where you're going to be in fifty years as a couple if you don't have anything to talk about?

What are some tips you could give to men right now if they wanted to attract a great woman like you?

Be interested in your world. Be interested in more than just women: be interested in what it takes to contribute in every area of your life. A woman who wants to excel in every area of her life isn't going to be happy with a man who doesn't have a similar drive for excellence. And always wear an Armani suit: they'll make any man look hot.

Top 5 Tips to Remember

1. The more dating experience you have before settling down, the more mistakes you can get out of the way. I'm with Amanda on this one. Statistics show that marrying when you're young (like in your teens) decreases your chances of staying together for the long haul. Even though your ultimate goal might be to get a girlfriend, there's nothing wrong with building up your skills through dating a lot of different women. When you make mistakes, don't beat yourself up: learn from them and move on. Some things you can only learn from experience.


2. Women care about having something to talk about. You know this already: women love to talk. Even though you might be happy just kicking back and watching a movie or doing something fun together, she feels most connected when you're having a conversation - preferably about something personal. So make the effort to talk about things that she cares about, even if you're not particularly interested.


3. Socialize with people who share your interests. Having a common interest is the single best way to kickstart a relationship, and it doesn't matter what that interest is. You may both like the same obscure band, or you may both share an interest in self-improvement. Whatever it is, seek out groups of people who share that interest. Try clubs, competitions, conferences, seminars, anything you can do socially to connect with people that you may have a lot in common with.


4. Don't stop making an effort just because you live together. Amanda's got a point: everything shifts once you move in together. It's up to you whether that shift is a good thing or a bad thing. Although I think she's going a bit far by blaming living together for the relationship no longer feeling special, it is a risk that you take. Living with a woman is not the same as having a roommate; she's not going to be as cool with the piles of clothes on the floor, milk left out, and a half dozen of your buddies coming over to watch the football. The idea is to just make an effort, not totally change who you are.


5. Commit to being the best you can be. Excellence isn't a goal you reach: it's a commitment to yourself. We all have times in our lives when we just don't give a damn and couldn't be bothered trying. Just don't get stuck there. Keep re-energizing yourself to keep on trying to get better in all areas of your life. Even though it may seem like it doesn't matter and you're not getting anywhere, let me tell you: women will notice. Just like they'll notice you're wearing Armani.

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