Inner Game: Who You Are is Who You Get, Part 2

From James:

What's up? Thanks for joining me. In today's edition, exclusive to members and newsletter subscribers of 000Relationships.com, you'll learn more about building up your inner game: using humor, purpose, and more. Join me and my co-host, relationship expert Amy Waterman, as we discuss great ways to separate yourself from the pack and make yourself unique.

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James: Welcome back to the How to Be Irresistible to Women Newsletter Series, your source for tips and techniques to make you irresistible to women. I’m James and I’m irresistible to women. Now it’s your turn!

In my earlier audio article on Identity: Expect the Best, Get the Best, I stressed the importance of identity and attitude. One of the topics we discussed is a personal favorite of mine, expectations. You learned how not trying to hard to get a girl’s number and not expecting that blond bombshell to just invite herself to your house will, in fact, often lead to such things happening.

I want to continue this topic by talking about expectations as well as about choice, two things that are really exciting. As usual, I’ll be discussing this with my partner in crime and, believe me, guys, she’s worth your time, 000relationships.com female expert, Amy Waterman. So, my margarita maid, ¿qué pasa?

Amy: I’m not doing terribly wonderful this morning: another date on Saturday night.

James: Another disastrous blind date?

Amy: It was okay, just okay, but halfway through the date I got to thinking, “It’s Sunday night, don’t I have to go to work tomorrow?” And I got home before midnight .

James: So is this date worthy of another chance or is this…?

Amy: Probably professional relationship. It was sort of strange: halfway through the date, I found out that his little brother was my boss’s best friend, so it’s hard to date in a small town isn’t it?

James: Yes, it’s very much like that.

So here are the three topics Amy and I will discuss in today’s exclusive audio article, Part II of Identity: Expect the Best, Get the Best. #1: Have high expectations of yourself and of other people. #2: Pro-choice: knowing what to expect and sticking to it. #3: Expect the unexpected: surprising a girl and winning her heart.

We can talk all day about how being different and going against the grain will make you more attractive. It works not only in dating but also in business, politics, just about any area, really. It’s a topic discussed at length by pretty much all the dating gurus out there including David de Angelo.

Amy, you and I have talked quite a bit about how one shouldn’t expect unrealistic, unbelievable things to happen every time you go out to a bar. We’ve said it’s good to go in with low expectations of events, but that doesn’t mean you should have low expectations of yourself. Tell our listeners about the importance about being true to yourself and having high expectations of yourself and of others.

Amy: The area that I see this happening is when guys go out, and they get totally smashed, and they try and hit on every single girl that walks by, and they humiliate themselves!

I have a friend that always goes out. He has a lovely group of females that he goes out dancing with, and he’ll be out there on the dance floor dancing with them, and he’ll see guy after guy come up and try to approach - completely shot out of the water! He just has to laugh: he says these guys are suckers for self-punishment. Why? Because they get drunk and they just don’t see when a woman’s saying, “Get away, I’m not interested.”

James: Right, but what about when a guy thinks that a girl should behave a certain way? We’re not talking about those guys who just want to do these stupid pickup lines. No, we’re talking about guys who actually have a decent approach, respect a woman, but expect a certain behavior. They don’t expect this prima donna, drama queen behavior. What about those kinds of guys?

Amy: Those kinds of guys also - I’m sorry, as a woman, this is one of the areas I’m passionate about – guys, when we’re rejecting you, just walk away gracefully, because if we’re not interested, we’re not.

And there are times when we’re going to go out to a bar or in some other event, and we’re going to be with our friends. We don’t want to get hit on, and we’re going to send you signals saying, “Stay away.” And the guys who just are clueless and just don’t understand when they’re overstaying their bounds - it’s just embarrassing for them, and it’s embarrassing for us, too, because we don’t like having to be bitches and reject them.

James: Exactly, but what do you think of this whole idea of a guy not visualizing getting drunk, but visualizing having a decent conversation with someone, visualizing his success with a woman?

Amy: Yeah, a guy who comes up to me and he’s not seeking to get anything out of me - he doesn’t have an expectation that he’s going to get a date, or get a kiss, or get a dance - he’s just coming up, he’s enjoying the conversation, if he sees it’s not going where he wants, he walks away, and, I’m like, “Wow, that was a great guy,” because he was confident himself, he knew that his only goal was to be himself, see if there was a spark, and, if there wasn’t, he walked away. That’s cool, that’s great.

James: That’s right, guys: if all you expect is just a nice conversation, maybe you’ll actually get something better in return. All you have to do is just go in and just have fun. That’s often when true success will occur.

Amy, you and I are quite familiar with David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating series and the many gurus he’s interviewed.

Amy: Now, that’s not because I want to pick up women, by the way.

James: I particularly like what Ken Kenney said on one of his programs. He said that just because a girl is really hot doesn’t mean you should let her off the hook for behavior you find unacceptable. He says no guy, no matter how attractive this girl is, should let a girl do stuff that annoys him.

Your standards are that a girl should treat you with respect, so make her do that. If you let a girl continue acting like a drama queen, she will, and eventually drive you nuts. All well and good, but, Amy, how can guys appropriately let a girl know that they’re the boss and they won’t stand for such roguish behavior?

Amy: One simple way is just to walk away. A lot of guys go up to a woman - and there’s a lot of immature girls out there who just end up acting up - and they think, “I still want to be with her,” and so they accept her crap, hoping that … pretending that it’s a test, and if they stand there, and they take her crap, they’re going to pass the test. No, to pass the test, you just have to say, “Nice meeting you,” and walk away. Don’t criticize her; don’t say, “Man, you’re being a bit of a drama queen tonight,” although I suppose if you’re trying to be funny you can. But if you walk away, she’s going to say, “Gosh, maybe I wasn’t supposed to treat guys like that.”

James: So out of this we have the whole idea of choice. Now I think a lot of guys will just take the first girl that accepts a date with them, or, like you said, just the first girl that’s willing to talk to them - even if she’s acting like basically a bitch - and not think too much of what they really want in a girl.

But Ken Kenny, again, makes the excellent point that the more a man comes from choice, two things will happen: (1) the higher quality women he will attract, and (2) the more likely the relationship will actually last, because he won’t rush into something that’s not ideal.

Did you get that, guys? You’ll actually get better women when you choose better women. What a great thing! Amy, you’ve seen the opposite of this happen with both single never-been-married guys and guys coming out of a divorce and trying to get into the next marriage. They lower their expectations and, in the process, lower their status. So what’s the whole deal with this?

Amy: I don’t know, but I heard someone say once that 90% of relationships are people who’ve settled, and that’s pretty scary. But when I look around me, I realize that out of most of the people I see who hook up with one another, it’s just because they’re both lonely and they’ll both sleep with one another, so, “Gosh, I guess we should be a couple.” Come on! You can be in that situation if you are lonely and you want someone to sleep with - that’s fine. But don’t pretend it’s a relationship, and when she puts the guilt trip on you to say, “Hey, we’re sleeping together, we must be a couple,” say, “No, I made it clear at the beginning that I just want some companionship.”

I’ve even heard guys say that, “You’re not up to my standards. I’ll sleep with you, but you’re not good enough to be a girlfriend.” I don’t actually advocate that, but I’ve heard guys say it.

James: There’s a fine line. You want to certainly expect the best and let them know that you do, but you don’t want to be too rude at the same time, so there’s sort of a balance there.

So we know what kind of women we want, and we know how to choose them. Now we have to figure out a way to parlay these two things into getting girls to choose us.

Now a lot of guys - Mystery, David D., Craig, pretty much all the great pickup artists - say that to attract a girl, you have to break the mold, do the unexpected. Craig says it - and I like this - if you can break someone’s routine and break their current state, fill it with energy, whether it’s positive or negative, getting a reaction out of somebody is huge, and they will remember that. He says if you can spark a reaction out of somebody, it will impress them.

I totally agree with this. One of my big lessons is that attention, whether good or bad, is like publicity - there is no bad. Attention for attention’s sake is almost unconditionally good. Almost, because getting arrested or getting thrown out of a place is not good for the girl you’re trying to impress.

Amy: And that’s never happened to you, has it, James?

James: No, let’s keep that under wraps. And it’s certainly not good for you, that’s right, but doing things the other guys just aren’t doing, well now, that’s a winner’s game.

So Amy, what can you tell us about this? Any interesting occurrences? Any guys that you’ve gone out with because they did something that you remembered for being so different?

Amy: Well I’m not sure. When I go out, I tend to see cookie-cutter guys. They all seem to look the same.

But I do remember one particular guy, and he was at the gym I used to go to. I’m quite a gym buff myself, and I’d always work out in the free weight section because, of course, there are more guys there, right? And there was this guy there and he was massive. He must have been, you know, six foot five, 250 pounds, ugly as sin, ugliest guy, his mother couldn’t have even loved him. He would go and hit bench presses and he’d grunt and he’d make all these noises. Everybody in the gym thought he was a real dickhead.

But he started talking to me, and, simply because he was so ugly and so huge, I found out later that he was a prison guard. But he would tell me the funniest stories, and I would laugh, and I ended up being irresistibly attracted to this guy simply because he was so different from any single guy I had ever met before. And, at the same time, another guy was going to the gym - who I actually ended up having a fling with - that was gorgeous. He was blonde, he was cut, he was tanned. And he didn’t interest me as much because he was just normal.

James: We could go into a whole other lesson about how being funny and having a good sense of humor is just priceless towards getting girls. I think you’ll agree that that’s one of the top things girls look for.

Amy: Definitely. Part of it is, just think about it: do you want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who’s serious and glum all the time? Or do you want to laugh your way till you’re old?

James: Those are the things you’ll remember, and, guys, it’s all about doing things that girls will remember, that they’ll laugh about when they get older.

So, speaking of funny stuff, David de Angelo has this whole theory of talking funny, doing things that are a little bit of cocky, a little bit of funny. Girls will remember that. Some of the stuff that he and his friends recommend are outright hilarious, really funny, but perhaps a little rude. For example, they talk about things such as deliberately bumping into a girl and saying, “Watch it, punk.” I’m not sure I recommend that. It may work, but, personally, I don’t suggest slapping a girl’s hands or deliberately bumping into her, giving her the finger, whatever they recommend.

Amy: The other thing as well that you’ve got to realize is that the women who that might attract might have a little bit of insecurity and bitchiness, too. Someone like me, forget about it. You treat me that way, I’m gone, because I want a guy who’s going to treat me well.

James: This goes back to the whole thing of choice. What kind of girls do you really want? And then, do you really want the kind of girls who are going to fall for that behavior? That’s something you have to figure out.

However, doing something ballsy is just the point. Girls see that you’ve got the balls to do it, and, because it sparked a reaction in them, they’ll remember that. They’ll acquaint this unique experience with you.

I recommend a little nicer things. For example, I’ve got these friends in Bean Town who love going up to a girl and just saying, “Ya’ll look like Beyonce,” and, as you can see in Amy, it gets a response, not necessarily a good one, but it’s something they’ll probably laugh about with their friends. Some of these girls are even, like, “Wow, really?” It’s just spontaneous, it’s funny, and it gets a response.

Another one is the random high five. Just go up to a girl and say, “Hey, high five!” A girl worth your time will go along with it. She’ll at least get a laugh. Maybe she won’t talk the whole night, but she’ll giggle, she’ll feel like, “Hah hah,” and it’s an easy conversation. Just say something silly, like, “Wow, you’re really good at this.”

Amy: My firm belief is that flirtation brings us back to our child level, when, as children, we used to play together. We didn’t care what the other person thought. We just wanted to have fun!

When you do silly stuff like that, that’s stuff kids do. We all have fantastic memories of playing with other kids. So when we get into that space when you’re acting like a kid, you let me act like a kid. Suddenly, I’m having fun. I’m not feeling pressured, and it makes the whole night so much better.

James: It goes back to the whole topic of those two guys you met at the gym. Which one do you remember more fondly? The guy who was funny, made you laugh, or the guy who was good-looking but pretty dull?

The whole point is that most guys just wouldn’t do this stuff, which is exactly why you’ll get a girl’s attention. The key really is to not be like most guys. That’s a winner’s game.

So, Amy, just one last thing, tell our listeners how important it is to separate yourself from the pack.

Amy: This is what I talk about all the time, especially in terms of the nightlife. Guys sometimes think, “Well, I’m going to be different. I’m going to go out in my biker jacket and leather pants, and maybe look a little bit Goth,” and you’re thinking, “Okay, so now you look like every other Goth guy out there!” And some guys say, “Oh, well, I’m going to get a Mohawk, and I’m going to dress like this,” and you look like all the other punks out there.

We’re not talking about looking different by belonging to an alternative group. That’s still another form of being a cookie cutter. What we’re talking about is being yourself in an authentic way that nobody else can pull off but you.

James: That’s right, and we’re not talking about conforming. We’re talking about comfort. We’re talking about be happy with yourself and just maybe being a little different.

This concludes today’s edition of 000relationships.com’s exclusive newsletter series. For more information about me, James, visit my website, 000relationships.com/towomen.

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