Female Fortnight:
Get More Responses Online

In today's interview, you'll learn just why it pays to have great taste, why your fear of "messing it up" could actually be causing you to bomb on dates, and why your spelling actually matters in online dating.

Rebecca is an athletic twenty-something who works for an accounting firm, and she meets most of her dates online. Her no-nonsense attitude cuts to the chase, and if she's into you, she'll let you know.

Check out my interview with Rebecca, then read my breakdown of her advice in my "Top 5 Tips to Remember."

"Let It Come Naturally"
Interview with Rebecca - 26, Accountant, Oregon

Describe yourself: what you do for a living, what you enjoy, etc.

I'm an accountant in Portland, Oregon. It's a cool job, long hours, and I hate the commute. As for what I do outside of work, I'm really into fitness. Portland is a great place for that. There are tons of hiking trails, and there's a great 24-Hour Fitness just around the corner. Outside of that ... I guess I like the wine bar scene. I've dated some guys who work in the wine industry, and they always have such great taste in food.

Is great taste in food sexy?

Definitely. Oh my god, yeah. I love to go out to dinner with one of those guys. Not only do I know we're going somewhere amazing, but they always order all these side dishes and several bottles of wine, one to go with each course ... including dessert, of course! It's like a major feast. Plus, it's so fascinating to hear them talk about it. I always pick up great tips on what to get for myself, because I'm probably not naturally a wine person.

What else is sexy?

Um ... a sense of confidence. I mean, I'm sure every woman says that, but it's amazing how many guys don't have it. Guys can sometimes be intimidated of me, and I just don't have the patience for it. I dated an older guy once who just had a complex about our age difference, and even though it didn't bother me, it bothered him enough that I finally couldn't handle it any more. You know, he was really awkward around my friends and kept making self-deprecating remarks about how I must think he's an "old fogey" or something. I felt kind of upset, because I really liked him until that point. He was really confident in the beginning.

Sometimes guys do that. They come across as really confident at first - like, the first couple of dates or so. Then the more time you spend with them, especially if you start to date regularly, they start getting all weird. It's like, you can tell that they like you a lot, but they don't want to seem like they do? So they say they can't go out, for example, on Friday night, but then when I ask them what they did on Friday night, they don't really have anything to say. You know they're lying.

I can't stand that. If a guy has to pretend that he's not interested in me just so that he seems more of a "challenge," then I don't have time for that. I date a lot of guys, and I lead a really busy life. If I connect with someone, and he connects with me, then it's good, you know?

But is a guy unattractive if he's too "easy"?

Well, I suppose so. It's not so much about being "easy" as being needy. A guy who really wants a girlfriend, you can see it in his eyes. Sometimes you can tell that a guy thinks you're so amazing that he'll jump over the moon for you. Or they'll do things to impress you so that you'll like them more, like talk about their car or skiing in Switzerland or something. The minute a guy pulls something like that out, I turn off. I know that he's just dropping hints so that I'll think he's some hot shot.

What really interests me is whether or not this guy is fun to be with and interesting. If there's a connection, there's a connection. If we can talk all night and feel like no time has passed at all, then I'm totally into it.

But some guys are just so stiff, you know? They're so scared of messing up. Or they're acting like it's some job interview where they have to get all the questions right.

Are there any questions they have to get right?

Well, the part about kids, probably. I'm really not interested in a guy with kids from a previous relationship. I'm young, and I like feeling free to just go anywhere on the spur of the moment. A guy who's that spontaneous would be awesome, like, someone who would just call me up and say, "Let's drive to, I don't know, California today!" Someone who has to plan everything, because his job is really restrictive or his life is really restrictive, wouldn't be interesting to me.

The other thing, too, is I like to know that a guy is committed to me. Some guys are just players, and even though they're all about you in that moment, you know that the next night they're going to be all about another woman. I do a lot of online dating, so I know that it's probably the case that he's chatting to other women at the same time he's chatting to me. But I guess I just feel that if we meet and there's a connection and we schedule another date, and another, that at some point he's going to focus his efforts on me until it's clear that we either are or are not going to work out.

How have you found online dating?

I really like it. I mean, I spend so much time at work that I really don't have the energy to go out afterwards. Partying doesn't really fit into my lifestyle anymore. I'm more about investing in where I'm at financially so that I can have the money to go out and do cooler things. Like, last year I went mountain biking in Colorado with a friend, and I wouldn't have been able to do that if I hadn't been smart with what I was spending.

The only gripe I have with online dating is having to weed through all the responses I get. I know that I shouldn't be complaining, because it means there are a lot of guys interested in me, but I just don't have the time to write back to everyone personally. And for some of the guys, I can tell that they weren't putting much effort into writing me anyway. Some of their emails look like form letters they're sending out to a hundred women.

What makes you want to write back to someone?

Grammar. Okay, I know that sounds really pedantic, but some of these guys can't spell. I just think that if they can't put in the effort to run it through a spell-checker, then they're not worth my time.

The other thing is if they've actually read my profile. You don't know how many generic emails I get. Something that indicates the person's actually read my profile and considered if we were compatible, rather than just saw my picture and thought, "Oh, that's a pretty face." You know?

Have you had a relationship with someone you met online?

Oh, yeah. Several. Quite a few, actually. I've been meeting most guys online for the past two years. Before that I still had my friends from college, and we would go out and meet people. That was great. But then, you know, everyone gets married and starts moving away, and those who are left aren't into doing the same things. So I didn't have the friends to go out with. That's why I tried the online thing. And I only meet guys I really think I might have a connection with. I don't just go out with anybody. I keep first dates to weeknights, so that there's no expectation of staying out late. Plus, I don't want to waste a weekend with someone I hardly know.

Are there any tips you would give to guys?

In terms of dating advice, you mean? Probably not to think so much or try to figure out what's going to impress me. I like it when it's natural, when I just connect with someone because we have the same interests or same background or same way of thinking. If you have to force it with someone, then you're probably not meant to be together in the first place.

Top 5 Tips to Remember

1. Don't qualify yourself to her. Rebecca isn't the only girl who gets fed up when the guy she's with doesn't think he's good enough for her. You wouldn't guess that there'd be guys out there who put themselves down around their girlfriends, but there are! Look, she wouldn't be dating you unless she thought you were good enough, so snap out of it and congratulate her on deserving such a winning guy.


2. Have great taste. Given that going out to eat is the classic date, you'd think that more guys would know somewhere to go aside from the local steakhouse or gourmet pizza palace. Taking her to an incredible hole-in-the-wall ethnic restaurant or the hottest fusion restaurant in town will distinguish you from the rest. Don't be afraid to introduce her to new foods or new experiences. That's because the more emotion she feels on a date, the more attracted she's going to be to you.


3. Spellcheck. One of the cool things about text messaging and email is the ability to communicate a lot of information by pressing a few buttons. Unlike high school English class, our spelling and grammar don't get graded. Or do they? Professional women like Rebecca take an HR manager's approach to online dating: if the cover letter doesn't make an impression, the profile goes in the bin without a second look. So before pressing the "Send" button, take a few extra seconds to run your message through a spellchecker. And you might even read through her profile while you're at it, too.


4. Don't always play by the rules. You know the rules I'm talking about, the ones that tell you how long you're supposed to wait before calling her, how many times you should see her in a week, how many dinner dates it takes before you make your move. Live on the edge: do something spontaneous and crazy. Only "nice guys" play by the rules.


5. Just have fun. You don't hang out with women because you want a girlfriend. You hang out with women because you like having fun, and sometimes a chick can make great company. Women can sense when you're desperate to get hooked up, and nothing scares them away faster than a sense that you "like" them. "Liking" a girl just reeks of high school. Girls just want to be with someone who's fun, not who "likes" them. So come on - forget about whether you like her or she likes you, and focus on enjoying yourself.

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