Do Your Friends Call You 'Too Picky'? Don't Be Tempted to Settle!

Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on!

Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"

Are You Too Choosy with Men?

by Amy Waterman
© 000Relationships.com

A while ago, a woman wrote to us with a dilemma. She was getting older, and her parents were getting worried that she hadn’t settled with a partner yet.

Her problem was that she found none of the men around her attractive. She was currently seeing an older man who would have been quite keen to take their dates to the next level, but she found him boring.

Yes, he was all right. He was conscientious, had a car and a good job. She found their dates entertaining. But he was so ordinary and plainspoken that he faded into the woodwork.

Her parents urged her to snatch up the opportunity to marry well, shaming her for thinking she was better than everyone else.

"He can offer you a good life. Do you want to get out of this neighborhood? Then take it. You should be so lucky to have a chance like this again."

She understood her parents’ desire to see her provided for, but she couldn’t help but compare him to the fantasies she’d had as child of who she would marry someday. She had always imagined herself with a vibrant, exciting, passionate man who was her match and inspired her to reach greater heights ...

... Not a man who listened kindly and patiently to her. Not a man who soaked up her vibrancy and energy, leaving her dull and passionless. Not a man who tried to buy her affection with advertising what he could offer her.

"What should I do?" she asked us. "Am I simply too picky?"

Before I tell you how I answered, I want to give you another story related to us by clinical psychologist. It was the story of a patient of his, called "Betty."

Betty loved exciting men. She dated drug dealers, alcoholics, men who partied hard, drove fast cars, and led an exciting life high on adrenalin. She knew that her relationships were destructive. These men often abused her physically and emotionally. Yet she couldn’t stop.

One day, a good friend who was worried about her told her, "I know this lovely man. He rings the bells in the church as a hobby. He’s got a good job in a factory and owns his own home. He’s such a nice person. He would love to meet a woman like you."

But Betty wasn’t interested.

Not long after that, Betty was in the car with one of her high-life, drug-dealing boyfriends. They were speeding with the cops chasing them, and they spun off the road. Both of them died instantly.

Was Betty responsible for her death by choosing dangerous men as lovers?

The clinical psychologist used the story to illustrate how our immediate instinct to judge men based on sexual attractiveness limits the sea of available men around us. By rejecting men that we perceive as uninteresting, we blinker ourselves to possibilities.

Now, that was his "moral of the story."

Not for me.

I disagreed with the underlying assumption: namely, that we women can choose who we find attractive. The story implies that if a man has a good job, his own house, and is honest and steady, then we should give him a chance. If we find dangerous men exciting and attractive, then we are courting our own doom. Right?

Maybe not.

It all comes down to David DeAngelo’s slogan: "Attraction is not a choice."

We cannot choose to be attracted to someone. We either feel attraction or we don’t. It is beyond our conscious control.

Parents tell their daughters the world over, "He’s a good boy. Why don’t you go out with him?" And daughters tell their hair out in frustration because they’re just not attracted to him. Women cannot turn on sexual chemistry like water from a tap. If these daughters ever did date these nice, parent-approved boys, a wonderful friendship could develop … but I’ll bet that any forays into kissing and petting would be awkward, passionless, and uncomfortable.

Attraction is not a choice. No amount of convincing ("But he’s got a wonderful education/a great job/his own house/good manners") can force a woman feel sexual attraction towards a man that she doesn’t feel attracted to.

I read an example recently that illustrates just how naturally "picky" a woman’s sexual attraction sensors are. Imagine a hundred women lined up in a room. A man gets to choose any of them he wants to sleep with. He gets to choose as many as he like.

How many of you will bet that he’ll choose to sleep with a high percentage of them?

Now, imagine a hundred men lined up in a room. A woman gets to choose any of them she wants to sleep with. She gets to choose as many as she likes. How many do you think she is going to choose?

Maybe two or three?

Women are naturally picky. We shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It is how we were made.

This does not mean that we should reject out-of-hand men to whom we don’t feel an inner gut attraction. We can always benefit by getting to know him better and enjoying his company.

But in order to make a relationship work, there must be attraction on multiple levels: physical, emotional, and intellectual. (Ideally there is a fourth level as well: the spiritual.) If you are attracted to someone’s mind, chances are you will make good friends. If you are attracted to someone’s mind and heart (e.g., how they treat you and others), chances are you will make great friends. But you cannot have a relationship unless there’s a strong element of physical passion.

Men in particular have a hard time understanding this. Men can feel physical attraction to a great number of women. So when they find that they have emotional and intellectual compatibility with a woman, they think they’re set.

But even if a woman is emotionally and intellectually attracted to a man, the chances that she’ll also feel physical attraction may still be quite small. Physical attraction is independent of emotional and intellectual attraction.

Worse yet, she cannot choose, on a conscious level, whom she finds attractive.

Our triggers for attraction are built into us at the subconscious level. They come from a variety of sources, including childhood experiences, physical indicators of fertility, and evolutionary desires to maximize the survival of any offspring.

We can’t change those triggers. All we can do is recognize them.

So the next time someone tells you, "Why is it that women always choose bad boys? Why can’t they give nice guys a chance?" simply answer, "Attraction is not a choice."

If physical attraction is not there, then taking a intellectually and emotionally compatible friendship to the next level is just a recipe for frustration.