Why Do We Have Relationships Anyway? Staying Together in Tough Times

Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on!

Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"

What's the Purpose of a Relationship?

by Amy Waterman
© 000Relationships.com

In a previous newsletter, I mentioned that non-traditional relationships are increasingly supplanting marriage as the marriage rate continues to decline, more couples choose to live together before marrying, and there is increasingly legal recognition of such "de facto" relationships.

Even though roughly three-fourths of American high school seniors (82% of girls, 70% of boys) agree that "having a good marriage and family life is extremely important" (Source: The State of Our Unionis 2007, p.11), they are much less likely than any generation in history to actually get married.

So what does this mean for us?

Is that diamond engagement ring and dream wedding that we imagined as children now as outdated as the notion of a white picket fence, 2.5 children, and living off one income?

To answer this question, we have to delve deeper into an even bigger question:

Why do we have relationships at all?

Historical Relationships

In the past, romantic love wasn't necessary for a successful marriage. Men and women united in a financial and practical partnership, devoted to the serious business of survival. Domestic chores such as washing and cooking were a full-time job without the benefit of washing machines and electronic appliances.

I saw this for myself first-hand. When I lived in a village in South America, I spent at least three hours every weekend washing my clothes on a smooth rock and carrying buckets of water from the house to the lavanderia. Plus, with no refrigeration and only a gas stove to cook on, I had to cook each meal from scratch ... and there were no convenience foods like microwave meals to make it easy!

As a single person living alone, I was an anomaly. If a young man or woman wanted to leave their parents' home, the only way to do it was to get married and form their own family. There just weren't enough hours in the day to work full-time and do all the basic household chores on one's own. Marriage was a necessary partnership, bound together by the practical constraints of making a life and cemented by a shared faith and cultural values.

Relationships Today

Luckily, most of us in developed countries don't have those financial, social, and cultural pressures to form a partnership with a man simply for the business of survival. Men and women no longer need one another in the same way.

As a result, there are fewer ties binding us. We are free to hook up and break up at will. We date for pleasure and avoid mentioning our long-term intentions for fear of scaring the other person off

For many, the only criteria that a relationship must satisfy is: "Are we getting along, and am I having fun?" Once the relationship stops being fun or once the arguments start, it's sayonara.

According to The State of Our Unions 2007, "marriage is now based almost entirely on close friendship and romantic love.... Today, a successful marriage rests almost entirely on how well one gets along, intimately and for the long term, with someone of the opposite sex" (12).

So what's required in relationships today is something much more difficult....

You have to be one another's soulmate. You have to be one another's best friend. You have to understand and accept the idiosyncracies of the opposite sex. You have to contribute to your partner's quality of life, such that it's more fun being with you than being single.

No wonder so many of our unions break up, with such high standards to live up to!

What Breaks Relationships Apart

Think of your oldest friend. Were there times that you two argued? Were there times that you two stopped "liking" one another? Were there times that you thought your friendship was over for good?

Of course there were. The longer you're with someone, the more likely it is that you're going to annoy one another at times.

There are many men and women who actively avoid intimacy and hold back in a relationship precisely because of this.

They're worried that the more time they spend with their beloved - and the closer they become - the faster they'll hurtle towards that horrible moment of realization that they've spent too much time together and they're starting to annoy one another.

That's really the crisis point, isn't it?

That moment when you're not having as much fun together as you were.

That moment when you suddenly realize that you wish you were on your own rather than your partner.

That moment when you don't particularly like your partner anymore.

So what in the world is strong enough to keep us in relationships once things stop being fun?

What is powerful enough to convince someone who's not enjoying a relationship to stay in it?

• Is love enough?
• Are promises that things will change enough?
• Is a good sex life enough?
• Is your history together enough?
• Is having children together enough?
• Are shared religious beliefs enough?

I'm not convinced that any of the above is enough, on their own.

I'm sure that you, like me, know of couples for whom not love, not a great sex life, not even their children was enough to keep their relationship together.

Sometimes it can feel like there's nothing that can guarantee that you'll stick it out and survive those times when you feel more like enemies than best friends.

Coming Up...

Now, in the next newsletter I'm going to dive into a new model for relationships, a model that can not only help you make sense of the relationships you've had in the past but also give your future relationships more than a fighting chance.

Stay tuned!