What is the Point of a Bad Relationship? You Might Be Surprised!

Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on!

Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"

Courting Controversy: A Radical Theory on Relationships

by Amy Waterman
© 000Relationships.com

For Amanda, the point of a relationship was to "try out" candidates for marriage.

"If he's not The One, then I don't want to waste my time," she told me. "There are so many guys out there that if I want to get married by the time I'm 25, I have to just say no if a guy isn't perfect."

Although Amanda had mastered the ability to be ultra-efficient in her romantic life, she was actually missing the point of these early relationships, according to a radical new theory on relationships.

This theory states that dating is NOT about trying out and discarding men who aren't a perfect fit for you.

Rather, you date to learn relationship skills...

...So that when you DO meet that person you want to be with forever, you have both evolved to the same level.

How Relationships Help Us Learn

Now, before I explain what this theory means, I want to tell you a story first.

A friend told me that when she was a teenager, her best friend "just happened" to be a boy. They weren't romantically attracted to one another at all. In fact, neither of them had ever had a proper relationship before.

But both were curious about what it would be like to have a proper boyfriend or girlfriend. So, even though they weren't romantically interested, they fooled around a bit, just to see what it would be like.

Years later, she attributed those early experiences to helping her get her first real boyfriend. "Both of us wanted to know how to do things right," she said. "We could kind of like practice on each other. And because we were just friends, rather than boyfriend or girlfriend, we could actually talk about what worked and what didn't. We both had the same goal: to get better at relationships before we met someone with whom it would really matter."

For most teenagers, their early dating experiences have this element of curiosity and discovery. They want to know what being in a relationship is like. They want to learn how to do things right.

But as we grow into adults, we stop bringing an attitude of discovery and learning to our relationships.

Instead, we bring an attitude of evaluation and expectations.

The only thing we want to discover is whether this is the right person for us.

We're less interested in learning skills that will help us be better partners for our future lovers, and more interested in evaluating whether we want to keep being in this particular relationship.

No wonder relationships stop being so much fun!

Why No Relationship Is Wasted

Now, if you're in a difficult relationship with someone that you don't have fun with anymore, your immediate impulse is going to be to get out of the relationship. Obviously, the relationship isn't "right" for you because it's hard work and unpleasant!

But Robin Woodsford, clinical psychologist and life coach, believes that if you're having a hard time in a relationship, then these challenges are actually proof that you're in the "perfect" relationship for you at that particular time.

He believes that these challenges are actually teaching you exactly what you need to improve your understanding and move to the next stage in your personal growth.

It's a controversial idea, but one that I thought worthwhile to share with you.

On one hand, it makes sense. When things are easy, you can just flow. You don't have to think too much. You can just enjoy things.

But when things are hard, you have to think about how you're relating to your partner. You have to work through things. Your coping skills are put to the test.

In other words, the harder a relationship is, the more learning opportunities you have.

So, according to Robin, even if a relationship is extremely unpleasant, you are still being given a number of learning opportunities to learn valuable skills. A bad relationship can teach you to stand up for yourself, to demand certain standards of behavior, and to exit the relationship with integrity when those standards are not met. A bad relationship can teach you what you don't want in a relationship.

In short, as long as you focus on what the relationship is trying to teach you, no relationship is ever wasted.

This idea leads to a really interesting conclusion...

What A "Perfect" Relationship Is

Taking that theory to its logical conclusion...

...The most "valuable" relationship is the one in which you learn the most ... not necessarily the one that lasts the longest.

Now, if you're shocked to hear this, I completely understand! It surprised me at first, too.

Like most people, I assumed that a successful relationship was one that led to marriage and a golden wedding anniversary.

I never thought about relationships as learning tools. I never thought about the fact that every relationship, whether good or bad, teaches us new skills.

But Robin Woodsford's article on "Relationship" in Integrative Dialogue #11 (Dec '99) challenged my viewpoint. He writes:

"I do not see the purpose in a relationship as being procreation, company, finding a mate, marriage, etc. These are side shows of the real thing. They are aspects of relating, but not the real reason we come together."

So if the real reason for a relationship isn't finding "The One" ... if it isn't getting married someday ... if it isn't partnering with someone to raise a family ... what is it?

For Robin, the answer is this:

"The real purpose of relationships is in attracting people to us in order to stimulate and support our growth or evolution as a being."

In short, the person we attract to us is exactly the person we need to teach us exactly what we need to learn at that point in our lives.

Interesting idea? I thought so, too!

What This Means for You

Now, this is a radically different theory on relationships than most of us have ever heard before.

Most of you may not agree at all!

But it raises an interesting point...

By evaluating our relationships based on what we learned, rather than whether they lasted, we can feel better about ourselves and our romantic history.

We can see that each of our relationships had a place in our life.

We can see that even though a relationship may not have lasted, we needed it to learn a certain skill that helped us be successful in the next relationship.

So let me ask you a few questions:

What is YOUR relationship teaching you?

What has each of your past relationships taught you?

Was there ever a "wasted" relationship, i.e., one in which you didn't learn anything?

If you can approach your current or future relationships as learning experiences, rather than as win-lose situations where you "win" if you stay together and "lose" if you break up, then you may just find that you feel a lot better about them.

You may just find that each relationship seems a little better than the last.

You may just find that you're attracting better and better men ... because YOU are becoming a better and better woman.

P.S. If you have a comment on this newsletter -- or any of my newsletters, in fact -- then make sure to email me! My email address is:

I look forward to hearing from you!