Want to Ask Him Out? Get These Great Dating & Relationship Tips!
Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on! 
Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"
by Amy Waterman
© 000Relationships.com
I don't know about you, but I don't know anyone who dates anymore. Instead, men and women today "hang out," or "spend time together," or just "do something."
Even when I was a teenager, we talked about guys "asking us out." The word "date" was so dated that I associated it with my mother's era, when boys took girls to the moving pictures and then to the soda fountain.
The Institute for American Values conducted a study in 2001 titled "Hooking Up, Hanging Out, and Hoping for Mr. Right: College Women on Dating and Mating Today." In it, authors Norval Glenn and Elizabeth Marquardt discovered that college women are dating less and less - in the traditional sense. Half of the female college seniors in their survey had been asked out on less than six dates over their college career.
But that didn't mean that these women were focused on their studies. Instead, their romantic liasions were less formal, more abiguous, and characterized by either no commitment or too much.
If dating has traditionally been when "women and men would go together on pre-planned activities in which the intended purpose was to see if that little spark you felt for someone signaled a potentially deeper attraction" ("Hooking Up in College: A Guy's Perspective, and an Advice Columnist's Bad Advice"), then dating is truly becoming obselete, replaced by the even fuzzier term "hooking up."
What is "Hooking Up"?
The term "hook up" has long been in popular culture as a shorthand for getting together. When you call a friend, you might end your conversation with, "Let's hook up sometime."
But what if your friend told you, "You know that great guy I was telling you about? We hooked up at the party last night!" Clearly, "hooking up" has a greater significance.
On college campuses today, "hooking up" with a guy can mean anything from kissing to sleeping together. Most importantly, it involves no commitment. In some cases, it can be synonymous with casual sex.
The study's authors lament the disappearance of a "culture of courtship" among college-age men and women, which they see as replaced by a hook-up culture with few social norms and expectations. They conclude:
"The absence of appropriately updated social norms, rituals, and relationship milestones leaves many young women confused, and
often disempowered, in their relationships with men." (p.7)
In a world where dating is outdated, how can we take back our power as women and assert our right to old-fashioned courtship?
The Freedom to Ask Him Out
As men have become more passive in dating, preferring to ask a girl to "hang out" rather than go on a pre-planned activity that he pays for, women have had to take up the slack. Many of my friends bemoan the loss of the "manly" man who would pursue them single-mindedly and woo them with picnics and fancy dinners and rides on the Ferris wheel.
I suspect that the man they "remember" never really existed outside of the pages of romance novels, but they have a point.
Many men are too passive and afraid of rejection to ask a woman out on a formal date. By asking her to hang out instead, a man avoids a formal declaration of his interest at the same time as he sets up the opportunity for something (perhaps a "hook up"?) to happen.
Yet one positive result of all this is that, if there's a man that you're interested in, you no longer have to wait for him to ask you on a date. Women can now take a more aggressive role in pursuing a man without being branded a "hussy."
I'm not advocating that women take over the role that men previously used to play, e.g., asking a man out. Rather, you can spend time with a man in a less formal way that nevertheless gives him ample opportunity and encouragement to take your companionship to the next level.
Some relationship experts will tell you that there's nothing wrong with being up front about your interest in a man. In fact, David Zinczenko, author of Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women, explains that many men appreciate it when a woman makes the first move. One of his interview participants explains that "it's the biggest turn-on for a guy--for a woman to flirt, to talk, and to be the first one to start a conversation" (p.124).
But there is a big difference between initiating the first contact and asking a man out. By all means, be approachable and flirt with men you like. Start the conversation so that he doesn't have to. But once you get the ball rolling, let it roll into his court. If he doesn't pick it up, it could be that he's clueless ... or it could be that he's simply not interested.
You may wonder why you shouldn't just be frank and ask him out. Letting a man do the work makes him feel like you're more of a prize. You're not offering yourself to him on a platter. You're simply being friendly and giving him the opportunity to take the plunge. If he can't manage to make the next move, then maybe he'll work his way up to it the next time he sees you ... or the next time. You making it easy for him will just eliminate the spark of challenge that makes victory all the sweeter.
If it's pretty clear to you that he does like you and that he is interested in you, but that shyness, a stutter, or a self-esteem issue will keep him from ever asking you out, then here's a solution: organize a group outing to a concert, a festival, an amusement park, or some other fun activity, and invite him along. Not only will you get to see how he interacts with your friends (a good indication of whether or not you'll be a good match), but you'll also give him the opportunity to spend time with you without the pressure of a one-on-one date.
Here's a warning: if you do invite him to share a group outing with you, under no circumstances are you to consider him your special "date." Spend time with your other friends. Allow him to take care of himself. Keep checking in with him every so often, but make it clear that you're not worried about his ability to socialize with these new people. The trust you communicate will speak volumes.
Avoiding a Commitment-Free Hook Up
We all know that men like a challenge. Why, then, would we allow men physical intimacy without having had to work for it?
It may sound unfair, but in the past men expected to have to plan a date, pick the woman up, escort her throughout the night, pay for everything, and deposit her safely on her doorstep at curfew. Modern men have it easy.
As much as you may want to move into physical intimacy with a man, allowing it to simply "happen" may harm your budding relationship more than help it.
I can't tell you how many young people who've told me, "I wish we would have waited longer." As one young man, who ended up dating his roommate, said, "Those months that we spent living together and not being together were excruciating, but in the best possible way. Then once we slept together, I thought, We're never going to be able to go back there. We're never going to ache for one another like that again."
Once you've given him sex, you can't withdraw your consent, so prolong the period of emotional intimacy without going all the way as long as you can. You'll find that every slow inch won is all the sweeter. Plus, your man will realize that he has to earn the right to be with you.
If you're confused about the rules of dating, the original "How to Be Irresistible to Men" e-book lays them out in a clear, simple fashion. Sarah Paul's "Bible" (as one member calls it) will give you all the Do's and Don'ts to make sure you don't commit a dating faux-pas. If you're getting back into dating after a divorce, or if your skills are simply rusty, then get the information you need to come across as a dating expert. Get "How to Be Irresistible to Men."
Happy dating!
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