Are You Tired of Dating Jerks? Discover the TRUTH about Men!

Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on!

Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"

All Men Are Jerks ... Aren't They?

by Amy Waterman
© 000Relationships.com

Candice was dating a jerk. You know the kind: he would cancel on dates at the last minute, wake her up with drunken telephone calls, and remind her that technically he wasn’t her “boyfriend” and could do what he liked.

But she was the better person: she was determined to reform the bad boy and release the good man that she saw deep within him.

As women, we have a unique gift to see the potential within those around us. It’s the quality that makes us wonderful mothers, able to coax forth our children’s talents and encourage them to grow into the best adults they can be.

But if you’ve ever tried to reform a bad boy, you can guess how the story ended. He dumped her then got her pregnant while cheating on his new girlfriend. Candice is now a single mother pouring her nurturing energy into her son. As for the father, no one speaks his name. He’s simply referred to as “Bastard.”

Now, imagine that your best friend told you this story. What would you tell her?

These kinds of stories unify us as women. We all can understand what it’s like to love someone who treats us badly but still believe with all our hearts that our love can change him. Most of us have either been cheated on ourselves or know someone who’s been cheated on. We know what it’s like to give everything we have to a relationship, only to see our lover mock us and throw our gifts back in our faces.

Yes, men aren’t perfect.

But women aren’t, either.

Why All Men Aren’t Jerks

The human mind is an efficient machine. When we have a new experience, the brain generalizes from that particular incident to all experiences of that type.

For example, imagine that you purchase a car from a manufacturer that you’d never bought from before. One thing after another goes wrong. First it’s the brakes, then it’s the spark plugs, then you find out that you need to replace the engine. Fed up, you put the car on the market and vow never to buy from that manufacturer again.

Are all cars produced by that manufacturer lemons? Probably not, or they would be out of business pretty fast. You may have just been unlucky, or you may have been driving the car in conditions it wasn’t designed for.

One bad experience with an item in category X doesn’t make all items in category X bad. But, for some of us, one bad experience is enough. We’re not going to risk it happening again.

In logic, this train of thought has a name: hasty generalization.

Hasty generalization isn’t all bad. Our ability to make quick judgments helps us navigate quickly through the morass of decisions that we must make every day.

Let’s take another example. Janice is in an unfamiliar part of town, and she wants to grab a cup of coffee. On one side of the street, she sees a Starbucks sign. On the other side of the street, she sees an unfamiliar coffee shop. Which does she choose?

For Janice, the answer is the familiar brand: Starbucks. Why? Because she knows that although she may have never been to this particular coffee shop, she has liked all the Starbucks coffee she has drunk in the past. She can expect Starbucks to offer a reasonably uniform experience of coffee, no matter which particular franchise she goes to. Like many of us, Janice prefers to stick with what she knows rather than risk the unknown.

In relationships, the same concept applies. Because we’re risking a lot more than bad coffee or poor service when we choose a man to date, we have to be careful about who we fall for.

In interpersonal relationships, the ability to make quick judgments accurately is known as being a good judge of character. But, more often, the results are not accurate. Here are a few examples:

Are these generalizations accurate? Clearly not!

We know that prejudice is bad. We know that it’s unfair to generalize from one person to a group of people as a whole.

But many women unthinkingly generalize about men in an attempt to protect themselves.

Have you ever thought any of the following?

Challenge any of these beliefs, and the protests start flying: “But it’s true!!! You do have to baby men! All men do think about is sex! It’s a scientific fact!”

Two hundred years ago, scientific “facts” were used to feed prejudice and justify racism. Appealing to science didn’t make such prejudice any more justifiable. Similarly, referring to studies that “prove” an entire category of human beings are untrustworthy, emotionally stunted, and ruled by their baser instincts may make you feel better, but consider the consequences if you were right. Your chances of finding a trustworthy, loving, mature man would have just dropped to nil.

It can be hard for us to see that our beliefs about the opposite sex could ever fall under the same umbrella as prejudice. Everybody does it, after all! It’s just a bit of harmless fun … isn’t it?

Let’s look again at one of the earlier examples. No one will dispute that there are many rowdy and rude young people these days … and probably have been at every point in human history! But if you’ve ever spent time with children, you know that kids tend to live up to the expectations placed on them. If you focus on a child’s positive qualities, he or she feels encouraged to develop those qualities. If you focus on the child’s negative qualities, the child will soon feel like there’s no use trying. You’ve already made it clear what you think, so he or she might as well act out!

When you’ve already judged a man as being a member of the “lesser species,” driven by his baser instincts and unable to look after himself without mothering, he will feel as if he doesn’t have to live up to anything when he’s with you, because you already expect him to cheat and act irresponsibly!

Whatever we place our attention on, encourages it. If we focus on the negative aspects of life, those loom large. If we focus on what we’re grateful for, no matter how small, we are filled with an appreciation of the good things in life.

Therefore, what you think about men has a great influence on what shows up in your life. If you look for evidence that men are liars, cheaters, and abusive, you will find a lot of men who fit the bill. If, on the other hand, you look for evidence that men are loving, honorable, and committed, you’ll find many men eager to prove you right.

“Man-bashing” can actually drive good men out of your life until the only men you find yourself with are those who don’t care what you think of them!

If you have been hurt by men in the past, it’s only natural to be cautious. But when that natural caution translates into suspicion of unfamiliar men or looking for reasons to disqualify a man before you’ve gotten to know him, it stops helping you and starts hindering you.

Men want to spend time with women who see the good in them. Men don’t want to spend time with women who see them as the “lesser” of the sexes and demean them.

If you make it clear to a man that what you love in him is his integrity, honesty, and leadership, he will want to live up to the promise that you see in him.

Beliefs that Help Us and Hinder Us

When I was a little girl, I learned a lot about the “battle between the sexes” from the women in my family. During our family holidays, the women would congregate in the kitchen, talking and cooking and laughing, while the men went outside to do manly things. They would often be late coming back at dinnertime, and I remember how upset my mother became as her carefully prepared dinner sat and sat in the oven.

Even as a child, I’d already formed a number of beliefs about men.

Do you think that these beliefs were helpful?

From experience, I can tell you that they weren’t! Luckily, as I started dating, I met a number of men who proved me wrong and taught me that men could cook, enjoy women’s company, and play by the same rules.

We all have baggage from our past that has programmed us to believe certain things about men. Luckily, not all our beliefs about men are bad. Many beliefs can actually help us to treat men with more sensitivity and respect.

For example, here are some beliefs that I now hold about men:

Can you see how those beliefs result in different behaviors than the beliefs I held as a child?

If you believe that men and women are incompatibly different and locked in a battle for power and influence, then you will recreate those beliefs in your relationships and remain at war with the opposite sex for the rest of your life.

Recently, I saw a bumper sticker that stated, “Marriage is the only battle where you sleep with the enemy.” I feel sorry for the husband or wife who is married to the driver of that car.

Men are not your enemy. They’re human beings, just like you, who want to love and be loved. They’re muddling their way through the best they can, and, even though they may not be perfect, it doesn’t hurt to give them the benefit of the doubt.

They’re trying, just like you are.

Why We Don’t Need Men

A more subtle form of man-bashing is the way we make fun of the opposite sex. I get a number of emails – sent to me by women – making humorous observations about how simple and predictable men really are. Incidentally, I very rarely get emails sent by men making humorous observations about women.

It seems to be perfectly socially acceptable these days to make fun of men. According to Scot McKay, author of Deserve What You Want, this started in the early days of television, when, in programs like The Honeymooners, the male heads of households were emasculated by their witty, sharp-tongued wives. This trend continues to modern sitcoms in which men are portrayed as loving doofuses who are saved time and time again by their more intelligent, practical wives.

It can be useful for us to take a step back and look at how the media has shaped our perceptions of the way men and women relate as partners. Fifty years ago, when the Cleaver household ruled the airwaves, dads were all-knowing, all-powerful figures who brought home the bacon and knew everything there was to know about cars, fixing household appliances, and the mysteries of the adult world. Men were men, women were women, and each had delimited spheres of responsibility.

One of the unfortunate legacies of feminism has been a decreased respect for men who discharge their typically male roles. Today, even a Cary Grant or Humphrey Bogart would be expected to change the diapers and put in his fair share of the housework. In the attempt to restore the balance of social equality, things have gotten lopsided. We praise women for performing traditionally male roles, while we praise men for reconnecting with their sensitive, feminine side. Men can’t just be men, and women can’t just be women: we have to integrate the best of both sexes in every human individual.

And here is where our relationships are affected. As heterosexual women, we’re not attracted to other women; we’re attracted to men. Similarly, heterosexual men are attracted to women. Without sexual difference in the bedroom, we’re left with asexuality, a bland proposition indeed.

Even more importantly, as women focus on being self-sufficient, they take great pride in their ability to support themselves independently and function perfectly well without a man. Independence is all very well and good in the social realm, but, when it comes to relationships, a woman who doesn’t need a man, quite frankly, doesn’t need a man! A man can sense that a woman has no place in her life for him from a mile away, and he won’t waste her time.

“But wait!” you might be thinking. “Isn’t neediness unattractive?”

A woman desperate for a man – any man – is unattractive, but a woman who values the contribution men make to her life is highly attractive.

There is no shame in admitting that, as a woman, you enjoy and appreciate male companionship, but, for many of us, expressing our desire to have a man in our life is simply the cue for our female friends to tell us that we don’t need a man to make us happy.

How often have you heard the following?

Once you’ve become convinced that men have nothing to offer you, allowing any man into your life, let alone leaning on him, feels like a betrayal of everything you’ve worked so hard to achieve.

Being single and independent is not an end in itself. It is only a stage in your journey. Once you’ve experienced what it is like to live on your own and gained confidence in your ability to support yourself, you’re ready to move on to the next stage in life: a stage where you learn how to live in intimate relationship with another human being.

Boy, I’m Glad I’m Not a Man!

Making fun of men not only confirms our independence and freedom from restrictive gender roles. It also unifies us as women. Female solidarity, girl power, and the political power of the female consumer block encourage us to define ourselves in opposition to men.

Women uniting as a group to exercise political power is a concept as old as history. The Greek play Lysistrata (411 BC) represented women denying their husbands sex in order to pressure them to end the Peloponnesian War.

There is power in preferring to be a woman today. Rather than being part of a minority group, being a woman actually confers upon us privileges. Although we can’t pee standing up, we don’t have such a high sex drive to contend with. Although we may be worse at reading maps, we’re better at language.

It can be attractive to feel part of a group that is defined by exclusion rather than inclusion. This game of one-upmanship might be fun, but ultimately it’s not satisfying. It thrives simply because we are more committed to dualism than ever. We’re committing the same mistake as previous generations, but on the other side. While previous generations privileged male skills, we find a perverse pleasure in privileging female skills that males don’t have, almost as if we've reverted to a childish, “Hah, hah, I have something you don’t!”

Alison Armstrong, in her powerful seminars on “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women,” believes that the only way to get the relationships we truly desire is to learn to celebrate the male life force. When men can truly be men, then we as women are satisfied.

Instead of belittling men, instead of looking for evidence that “men are this” or “men are that,” instead of joining together with our female friends or female children against the men in our lives, our goal should be to create unity, not more division.

Your man is not responsible for the sins of mankind. Blaming him for all the bad things that men have done to you over your lifetime will not do any good. You may think you feel better, but that satisfaction will ultimately fade away. Hurting him won’t make you feel better. Putting him down won’t make you feel more powerful. Making fun of men won’t make you more proud to be a woman.

One reason that many of us women put down men or make fun of them is to take away their power over us. We’ve all been hurt by men, and we’re all afraid of getting hurt again. We’re so attracted to men and want their love so much that their rejection and unfeeling comments devastate us.

But our power is not greatest when we are standing united as the women of the world against the men of the world. Rather, our power is greatest when the male life force and female life force are united in the production, protection, and nurturing of life.

A Challenge That Can Change Your Life

I challenge you to commit to avoid man-bashing in any form. When your female friends say, “Men are so stupid,” or, “Aren’t men jerks?” do NOT agree. Avoid participating in any discussion that belittles or stereotypes men.

Instead, celebrate what makes men men, and what makes women women, and the amazing magic that makes us so compatible and complementary. Men should NOT be more like women. (If they were, you wouldn’t be attracted to them!)

And the more good you see in men, the more good men you'll attract!