Do Your Friends Call You 'Too Picky'? Don't Be Tempted to Settle!

Welcome to my "How to Be Irresistible to Men" Newsletter Series! If you are looking for the greatest gold-mine of attraction, seduction, dating, and relationship advice for women ever crammed into a newsletter series, then read on!

Amy Waterman
Host of "How to Be Irresistible to Men"

Male Psychology 101

by Amy Waterman
© 000Relationships.com

How can you get inside a man's head and figure out what he's thinking? When we recently did a survey on the top questions that women wanted the answers to (from a male point of view), we found out that, for most of our respondents, the most confusing aspects of men were these:

That's why, in this newsletter, I want to demystify some of these often-confusing aspects of men by delving deep into the fields of evolutionary psychology and neurobiology ... which are much simpler than they sound!

1. Why Your Man Isn't the Best Communicator

For most women, talking is as natural as breathing. We talk from the moment we get up in the morning to the moment we fall asleep. Talking helps us think through a problem, release pent-up emotions, and connect with others. In fact, one of the worst punishments a woman can inflict is the "silent treatment," and, as many husbands know, silence is a signal that his wife is upset about something.

For men, on the other hand, talking is a tool. It's used to communicate information, organize plans, and argue points. In other words, men don't talk for the sake of talking; they talk in order to accomplish something with their words.

Why is this? Have men just been socialized to be the "strong, silent" types? Or were they simply born that way?

There is evidence to indicate that both nature and nurture may be involved. MRI brain scans show that the male brain is much more compartmentalized than the female brain when it comes to language. Women use both sides of their brain equally on language tasks, while, for men, language is concentrated in the left brain. This leads Barbara and Allen Pease, authors of Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps, to conclude that "for males, speech and language are not specific brain skills."

And, indeed, studies of how well boys and girls master academic subjects show that language and speech-related tasks are easier for females in comparison to males. Female teachers dominate subjects like English, Drama, and Foreign Languages.

This difference in brain activity may be related to our ancestral days as hunter-gatherers. While women spent large amounts of time in groups with other women, chatting to pass the time as they gathered food and looked after children, the male hunters pursued prey in silence. Silence was a virtue, as talkative hunter would have scared any potential prey away!

As a result, men can quite easily pass time in absolute silence, feeling completely comfortable saying nothing at all around other men. As women, however, we would think there was something wrong if our best female friend had nothing to say!

Once you understand that the language differences between the genders, you can use your knowledge to communicate more effectively. Here are some communication tips to speak "male":

1. Don't ask your man to listen to you while he's doing something else. If he's watching television or reading the paper, he won't be able to focus effectively on what you're saying. As a result, many men learn to tune women out and pretend they're listening by nodding their heads. This isn't done to be rude: it's simply that this kind multitasking is more difficult for a man than for a woman. So make it easier for him and either wait for a time that he's free, or turn off the television.

2. Give him time to think. This means that when you ask a question, you shouldn't jump in to fill the silence. Wait for as long as he needs, even if the silence feels uncomfortable. This is important because, while women tend to use speech as a way to think out loud, men tend to think inside their head. They need the silence to focus and work through their thoughts before they're ready to speak.

3. Respect your differences. Women across the world complain that their men won't communicate. But by whose standards? For a man, it is natural to go for long periods without speaking and to communicate intimacy in ways that go beyond words. Yet as women, we need those words to feel loved and connected. It's up to you to understand that, for your man, words are more utilitarian, and to adjust your expectations accordingly. Don't expect him to spend hours on the phone with you or tell you everything he's feeling, in the same way that a female friend would. Love and cherish what makes him a man, even if you wish that in some ways he'd be more like a woman!

2. Why Men Are Attracted to Looks

A friend of mine believes that men are attracted to a woman 75% on looks, 25% on personality. Women, he says, are attracted to men based 25% on looks and 75% on personality. Is he right?

More or less ... yes. Here's why.

Men have a direct connection between their genitals and their sensory organs, which means that men can often be aroused involuntarily by sensual stimuli. This is an especially embarrassing reaction for teenage boys!

For women, on the other hand, sexual arousal usually requires more than looking at a picture of a handsome man. An important study at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands (Holstege, 2005) showed that a crucial factor in a woman's ability to climax is the ability to let go of distracting thoughts and feelings of anxiety. A skilled, trustworthy, patient lover will tend to be a better sexual partner for a woman than a partner who is merely well-built.

A man who is looking for a sexual partner will base his assessment on physical attributes (usually those signifying health, youthfulness, and fertility), while personality traits like intelligence and a sense of humor only come into play when a man is searching for a long-term partner.

So, as unfair as it may seem, we have to accept that men are wired to respond more readily to physical signals of fertility than by the display of pleasing personality traits. Although both, of course, will makes the perfect package!

So don't fight it: take advantage of it!

If men are hard-wired to respond to sensual stimuli, then use all the senses to your advantage. Lower your voice to speak in a softer tone, use a scented soap or fragrance to appeal to his nose, touch him gently on the arm, and wear clothing that emphasizes your feminine shape. Just remember that if you depend on your physical attributes alone, you may get slotted into the "short-term sex" category rather than the "long-term partner" category.

3. Why Men Find It Harder to Commit

There's a revealing saying that shows just how socially programmed the divide between "commitment" and "men" really is:

"Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex."

Although I think sayings like this stereotype the genders in an unhelpful way (implying, for example, that women don't enjoy sex), one thing is certain: many men avoid any form of commitment like the plague ... unless it promises them a lifetime of sex on tap.

In fact, some men report that the reason they won't break up with their current partner, despite being unhappy in the relationship, is because they don't think they could get anyone else. A man who feels that he has no options will stay stuck in a bad relationship ... until he sees a possibility with someone else.

Men seem to have a unique ability to go from one sexual relationship to another without the emotional damage incurred by a woman in a similar situation. Statistically, men are more likely to remarry - and will do so sooner - after a divorce.

The explanations for men's distaste for commitment are numerous and range the gamut from far-fetched to probable. Some say that men are so bad at living on their own that they need to be with a woman to function normally. Others say that given our evolutionary history, it was to a man's genetic advantage to have sex with as many women as possible. Still others say that the male ability to separate sex from love means that the definition of "commitment" varies depending on whether you ask a man or a woman. Having sex with a woman doesn't mean that a man is committed to her, regardless of what she may think about the situation.

Personally, I'm most convinced by studies of brain chemistry. During sex, a hormone called oxytocin is released. Oxytocin is called the hormone of love because it creates a powerful bonding effect. In fact, oxytocin is released when mothers nurse their newborn child, creating a sense of bonding between mother and baby.

However, women release higher levels of this hormone during orgasm than men, therefore experiencing a greater feeling of connection. This means that a woman can feel emotionally connected to man after having sex as a result of her brain chemistry ... even if she intends the experience to be a casual one!

Commitment is about more than having sex together. Commitment is a conscious choice that depends on a number of factors, including social and cultural influences. No matter how much you may think you're on the same wavelength, there is nothing in human biology that defines human beings as monogamous creatures. Monogamy must be negotiated - and the terms of your commitment defined - before you can safely assume that your expectations are aligned.

Find Out More About Men

There are a number of wonderful books about male psychology and how our essential differences impact dating and relationships. The classic "pop" psychology book is Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. Although its ideas are dated, it remains one of the most useful and practical guides to improving gender communication.

My favorite evolutionary anthropologist is Dr. Helen Fisher, author of Anatomy of Love and Why We Love, for those hard-core science geeks among us.

If you want easy-to-read science, simplified to a series of fun anecdotes and illustrations, check out Barbara and Allen Peases' books, including Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps.

Lastly, if you're interested in gender differences from a spiritual perspective, dip into David Deida's It's a Guy Thing, written for women who are trying to understand their man on a spiritual level.

Happy reading!